My wife has filed for divorce 18 months ago and late last year moved the process to the courts. She and her lawyers have made a proposal- she wants a lot (kids, house, child support, etc). I have tried to make her change her mind but it obviously not working.

I cannot accept this divorce for many reasons but primarily because of the three children (16, 15, and 7). The youngest is very very close to me and I can't bear the idea of losing custody. The other two are less close and more independent.

Financially, we are well off but the divorce will hurt our standard of living significantly. My wife understand this and is trying to get as much as she can.

I will have to fight her legally but it seems such a waste of money and emotion. We live together although during the week I am working and living in a town 100 miles away.

I have spent our 17 years making money and giving my family a very good life. I sacrificed my relationship with my wife and two older kids because my job required all my energy.

I cannot accept this divorce but don't know what to do accept go the legal route. My wife has a soft spot in her heart for me and is concerned about financial matters and the kids but keeps moving the process forward. She denies that there is someone else but I don't fully believe her.

Any ideas? I am going nuts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sanegop:
<strong> My wife has filed for divorce 18 months ago and late last year moved the process to the courts. She and her lawyers have made a proposal- she wants a lot (kids, house, child support, etc). I have tried to make her change her mind but it obviously not working.

I cannot accept this divorce for many reasons but primarily because of the three children (16, 15, and 7). The youngest is very very close to me and I can't bear the idea of losing custody. The other two are less close and more independent.

Financially, we are well off but the divorce will hurt our standard of living significantly. . . .
I have spent our 17 years making money and giving my family a very good life. I sacrificed my relationship with my wife and two older kids because my job required all my energy.
. . . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand your W's point of view. Look at what you have written here-not, "I love her and I can't imagine life without her". No, it's all about your standard of living and how you can't live without your youngest child (and not, I notice, that you are concerned about how this will affect that child or what is best for that child).

Yes, yes, I know, there is more to this than what you wrote. But what you wrote is what came to your mind first when you had to give a succinct summary of your problem. And I bet what you wrote is what your W hears. Of course she doesn't want to stay just for the standard of living. There are words for women who trade sexual favors for material comforts, and none of them are nice.

If you want to convince your W to stay, you have to convince her that you love her and want to meet her needs, which will be hard to do unless you love her and want to meet her needs. I suggest you read all the concepts on this site, especially the ones about emottional needs. maybe it isn't too late if you can only learn to take a different approach. What you are doing hasn't worked.

Thanks El. You are right about what I wrote.

My wife does believe I love her very much and that I will be devastated if she leaves me. She knows that I have never been unfaitful. She knows I am not interested in being with any other women. She knows I love only her.

But she tells me that she does not love me anymore.

I still tell her that I love her but how long can one do this. I have to let her also know about my other concerns.

I get your point and will check the info on emotions.

sane,
While I agree with El, you have to get a lawyer too. She has someone looking out for her legal rights and will seek more. If you just accept what she offers, you will lose big time, namely you kids.

My x's lawyer tried her to go for half the lawn care equipment( she moved to an apartment), half the sporting goods( I have a couple ball gloves, a $200 set of golf clubs, and she hates sports), but she didn't do this.

She did agree that I wouldn't touch her pension(which was small) but then they added it to my pension and asked for half of that. There were a couple other screwy thing in there that I was able to pick out as did my lawyer.

So IF you are going to divorce, you need legal protection to fight for your rights, especially for your kids.

Hang in!

You seem to take criticism well- I'm impressed. Is there any chance you can do that with your W? Maybe tell her you have been doing some thinking about how much of your efforts over the years went into work rather than your relationship and you realize now why she thinks you don't love her.

Maybe you can get to her this way. Even when you guys divorce, you still have to stay in contact because of the kids, no matter who has custody. It will be best for the kids if you can be cordial and respectful to each other. So you can ask her what changes she thinks you need to make for that to happen, and then work on them.

Also, although I think finding yourself an attorney is wise, you might want to suggest to her that the two of you find a mediator to help you arrive at a fair settlement and come up with the custody arrangement that is best for your children. Again, this will give you an opportunity to show you can listen to her and validate her feelings (even if you don't give her everything she wants) and help you make one last good impression.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She denies that there is someone else but I don't fully believe her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mmm..noone's picked up on this and I want to venture a comment: sadly, in most cases, this is true. You've said she's very concerned for you, and your well-being. You work 100 miles away.
You haven't said if you've been for MC.
You've spent all your energies at work.
All this doesn't add up to a good situation.

If she does have someone else in her life, then you're facing an uphill battle, even if you try to address the issues mentioned by ELSPETH. It may be a good idea anyway, since it can only make you a better person.

Read all you can on the site and enrich yourself.

muzohead

Sanegop:

Just did a search for postings by you, and found only 4. You also reveal very little in them.
Pardon my candour, but are you posting on other boards, or exploring other avenues on how to save your M? Counselling?

What is the extent of your abuse towards your W?
What are you not telling us?
Is this the importance you attach to saving your marriage? If it is, I'm not surprised at your wife's actions.
Why not tell us your story. We've heard it all, and can offer some good advice, if better informed.
You're concentrating on the divorce as if it's something that has a life of it's own...not as if there are people and emotions behind it. If there's nothing more to tell, it's my guess your W has given up, and perhaps hopes that the whole divorce thing will SHOCK you into appropriate marriage-saving action.

Don't disappoint her.

muzohead