I hope it doesn't come to a D, but my W is having an affair and its not ending. If we D, is it unusual to have a condition of custody to be no contact between our kids and the other person in the affair? Does this change if W marries OP?

Thanx.

I don't know where you live, but I would doubt it, unless you are in an Arab Country... :-)

The only exception might be if that person (OP) had a criminal record, a substance abuse problem, or a history of abuse.

But the question you have to ask yourself is, is this:
What course of action will cause the least damage to your children? You are hurting and want to keep OP out of your wife's life, but placing such a demand for custody will undoubtedly get nasty, and potentially leak out publicly, and is that in your children's best interests?

Several MBers have been able to put in their papers the condition of no unrelated overnight visitors of the opposite sex while the children are present.

Unless the children are nursing infants, if she is having the affair, why are you not fighting for full physical custody (with every other weekend visitation for her)? Whatever you do, don't move out of the family home. If she wants to separate, she should be the one leaving.

Don't count on getting this in your document.
Unless the person has a really bad record, it won't happen.
Work on helping you and your children heal emotionally through the divorce (however, it sounds very early in the process so you might want to review your options).
Also, you may want to post on JFO just found out.
They may help you more.

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

In most cases I have seen on MB, the person who is the primary parent has NOT been the one who had the affair - the primary parent is typically the one who is more heavily invested in the marriage as well as the children. In many cases, this IS the person who gets custody - whether male or female.

When my ex left and we went to court to determine temporary child support and visitation, I had this in my court order. I asked the judge for it and got it. My argument was that it was immoral and I didn't want the children exposed to that. The judge agreed and also told my ex that a divorce would be hard enough on my children and it wouldn't be fair to expect them to accept another woman. He ordered that my ex's OW not be allowed around the children until the divorce was final. Of course, he told me that the same applied to me. This didn't bother me since I wasn't interested in finding another man so soon.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That was put into my divorce papers by my ex who was having an affair. Had to be in there. At least I know he follows the divorce orders because he has never (ONCE) since we signed the papers have taken the kids for any visitation. Says its not against the law. He drops the child support off every 2 weeks and says hi to wh one is home for about 10 minutes and goes on his way. That is his visitation time. He feels its enough! Like me and the kids don't know its because he is shacked up with the OW and she means more to him that they do.

Bladybug, does he still tell people he's a father?
I'm disgusted by parents who fail to see their children after a divorce.
It's hard enough on a child to lose a family, but to lose a parent at the same time is not necessary.

It is true that A's do not have any impact on the actual divorce settlment in most state's.

But most judge's will take A's into consideration in regaurd's to child custody, most parent's who have A's are not the primary childcare giver
(they wouldn't be able to have an A if they were).

You should find out if this is an avenue to search down, it would give you the most control you can get after divorce.

Newly,

He thinks he is a great father. When we first seperated and I would call him to help with the boys his response was call the police - that will straighten them out. My kids were (b)16 1/2, (b)15 and (g)9 at then time this craziness started) HELLO! The kids were upset and needed their father.

Now that I have not been with XH for 2 years and so many months he calls and asks me why I have not told him about the problems I have been having with the children..

My response to XH - "When we first split up I did call you to help with the kids - to come and get them and spend time with them and your response to me was call the police. OK! Like that is going to help 2 boys who couldn't understand why their dad just left them and spends NO time with them. But yes - I did call the police to try and scare them a bit the police would calm the kids down and tell them DIVORCE is hard on all families but that we need to stick together- but XH they are not their father - YOU ARE!

SOOOO I have learned to not call either YOU or them. That I do the best I can. We work it out and we move on.

XH didn't have much to say to that -- was quiet for a minute and then said well call me - I will straighten them out. I have heard how he tries to straighten them out (Yells and curses at them on the phone) HMMMMMMMM why would I call you - you can't even visit with them or take them to dinner or anything... NO THANK YOU! If you want to come and spend time with them - come and get them I will not stop you! You want to be a father please do so - but if I have a problem with them I will handle it the best I can. I have learned to be both mother and father.

I realize that in the end I will have my children when I am old and gray - and he will be a lonely old man.

My vent!

it was put into my X OW D papers. but X gets around it. X is always there for breakfast but tells the kids he just dropped by to have breakfast every morning. saying he is living at his parents home, they will lie in court for him if needed. they tell their dad his cloths are in mom bedroom. when X sent a letter last yr, his new lable had her address, we found out later that the house is in both names.

To very possibly avoid dealing with this issue, have you exposed the affair to OM's wife yet?

WAT

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Bladybug,

Your ex sounds like mine! Except mine doesn't even bother with the child support and doesn't stop by every 2 weeks. Has only kept the kids for about 10 nights in over 4 years. Hasn't kept the 2 younger ones overnight or done anything with them in almost 2 years. Father of the year, huh?

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You may wish to considering reading "Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life" by Dr. Sam Marguiles, Ph.D, J.D. which contains some truly excellent advice on how to approach this issue. Despite the pain of WS having affair, setting up conditions for their moving on after divorce only serves to freeze you in anger, frustration and pain. And you end up with conditions that you too need to abide by. Once all the dust is cleared (which can only happen if you want to move forward) having these types of conditions only serves to continue the pain and arguing and fighting between divorcing/divorced parents, ALL OF WHICH IS BAD FOR THE CHILDREN. Read the book.

Ok...I had it in my papers btw...and he claimed she didn't live there but my son knew it and saw her even naked once over there.

Remember...
YOU ARE DEALING WITH LIARS AND CHEATS. Why would they keep the law when they can't keep their vows?

Mine was forced to marry preggo OW and it was funny...she ADMITTED THEY WERE LIVING TOGETHER...when she called me in sept. and told me she had "packed up her suv" and "left him" after he went partying and staying out all night. I said "oh, FV are you admitting you're shacked up with my still legal husband?" she denies.

They will lie lie lie.

Get used to it. A sentence on a piece of paper won't force them to have morals around the kids. I think mine would have been still shacked up with her openly if it weren't in the papers although she's a crafty little golddigger...she "forgot" to take her pill again and forced his hand and swallowed the watermelon seed.

Just remember, if they lie to you, they will lie about everything. Kids they think aren't as smart and they really believe kids won't believe their lies.

Childless & Sad,

I didn't want my kids around my ex's OW for a good reason. The woman is a drug dealer and user, so is my ex. Their lifestyle is drinking and partying. Not something I want my kids around. I did it for their safety, not out of hurt or anger.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />