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#768528 04/04/04 09:45 AM
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Lora Offline OP
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I waited almost a year since my divorce, I have continued counseling, I am working through my own stuff, and yesterday I went on the first date I have had in 20 years.

I was OK before and through most of it, but at the end I sort of freaked. As I was driving home I wondered what in the H*** I was doing. I am OK alone, have adjusted to it, love my cat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I had fear of ending up married and struggling to end it and suffereing through betrayal and pain and years of more crap. I wonder if any man or relationship is worth it. I wonder what love is and if it is worth it if it just ends so badly. I wonder why I can't take a day at a time... he hasn't asked me to marry him for petes sake, just to go out again. I wonder what he sees in me when I still don't feel I am worth that much or that attractive.

I wonder how I can ever have sex again after so many years without and not being very secure about my body and after all the rejection I have felt from my X. And after a hysterectomy.


HELP. Anyone got any words of wisdom for me?

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

#768529 04/04/04 10:26 AM
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Lora, I am not quite sure how I will handle dating myself. I am still married and just starting the process of getting divorced. I do know that I don't want to date now for several reasons. First, I am definetly 'damaged goods' and doubt if any woman would want to spend much time with me on a date. Second, I am still married and I feel very funny dating while in that legal state. (What really gets me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> is the thought of my WW having her romatic affair past and present, and her I am prevented from dating by moral standards that she has shredded into so much waste material.)

One thing I have to deal with and I think you hinted at it, is how do I learn to trust my own judgement. I mean this. My WW fooled me so long and so well that how can I be sure that any woman is truly being honest and straight with me? You see it's not her judgment I doubt, it's my ability to judge her. My 2 cents.

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

#768530 04/04/04 11:01 AM
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Lora...Let's see...hmmmm.

My x told me that I am...and I quote "fat, ugly, stupid, and a @itch". Who would want to date that? Who'd want me anyway. He actually said that.

After 2 years almost of being away from him, I know now that he's completely wrong.

That it was HE who had the problem and I had a c section too btw. I've worked on me. Plan A'd myself. I take decent care of me.

When you loose the focus of your x and their effect on your life weakens, suddenly you get stronger. I swear it's true.

Both you and Justin have been through rough times. We feel ugly and rejected but it's not at all about that. Trust me. It's not.

I remember the first date I had. I went to a movie with him. He said later on he couldn't stop looking at me. That he thought I could have knocked him over with a feather.

Now it seems I am literally become the "runaway bride syndrome". Several guys chasing and I am doing the running and I don't know why. I am sure it's because of something my x did or any remaining lasting effect of that. Maybe I am just plain scared of being in a position that COULD POTENTIALLY CAUSE ME TO HURT OR FEEL EVEN .00001 percent of the hurt I felt before.

And there will be days when I will still look at the mirror and see the ugly fat stupid person there. And then something happens and I get snapped outta it. Almost I'd guess how an anorexic feels when they look at themselves in a mirror. We get BRAINWASHED by the negative words that only JUSTIFY THE ACTIONS OF OUR X. If we were smarter, more attractive, better cooks, better at housework, they wouldn't BE FORCED TO GO SLEEPING AROUND AND BEING A HO.

Well now I don't do as much housework. If it gets done, it gets done and we don't sweat it. As long as things are somewhat tidy it's ok. I am smarter now I think because I have to think quick on my feet now and can't fall on his checkbook as backup. I am a great cook of kid-cuisine now. Anybody I get in a committment with had better love mac n cheese ok?

Lies are what they are. Lies. My suggestion is to block the thoughts and to replace them with a good plan A for you.

Also, Justin I am praying for you. I know how you feel.

Soon you'll want to date. And trust me..a good and decent person is hard to find these days so supply will not be short. Soon you may findyourself suffering from the "runaway bride syndrome" that I have as it would seem now. I keep thinking they will hurt me or that they'll turn into my x.

Wanna hear the most vivid nightmare I ever had recently? I dreamed I was in Destin FL (vacation town that me and my friends and family used to go to). I was there with my son, college boyfriend whom I have recently gone out with again, and my s and BIL and their kids. We are eating at a dockside restaurant and then we get the bill. My cbf gets out his credit card to pay and I see him write down on the slip the name of my XH. And I look at his card and it says name of my XH on it. I freak out. I tell everybody, family and cbf that "don't you know who's name you just signed?" Everybody thinks I am making it up and nobody gets it.

I think my fear is basically that the guy I choose will turn into him...be like my x. So that's my greatest dating fear.

Gosh. This has been so helpful. I think I almost figured it out now. See what posting can do for you?

#768531 04/04/04 11:07 AM
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Peachy and Justin,

I think thats my biggest fear too, that I will date someone just like my H and not recognize it, that my judgement is off, or that I am somehow attracting or searching for that type. I don't ever want to be tied to and live with someone who punishes me by not speaking or dealing with things again.

#768532 04/04/04 04:09 PM
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I think everyone fears that. I know that my x turned out to be so much like my dad that it wasn't funny. So, I truly fear being blind to that the next time. I knew when before I married doofus that I didn't want a man like my father. I KNEW THAT!!!! But I didn't see it.

Now I'm really paranoid.

As much as I like the Diplomat, I'm sometimes afraid that I'm not seeing everything right.

Don't know....just don't know....how to deal with that in the future?

In class at church this morning, it's a class very loosely based on the 12 steps, the sentence on the board was:

Everyone is normal until you really get to know them.

#768533 04/04/04 05:00 PM
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I think thats my biggest fear too, that I will date someone just like my H and not recognize it, that my judgement is off, or that I am somehow attracting or searching for that type. I don't ever want to be tied to and live with someone who punishes me by not speaking or dealing with things again.

sufdb...Then let your friends set up your dates. Seriously, if you are concerned about your judgement, try a matchmaker.

#768534 04/04/04 05:36 PM
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{{{L}}}

What a night you had!

I think it took a lot of courage for you to even test the dating waters. I would be petrified!

I don't know how I could EVER trust another man again. I can't see how anyone could love me for me (and my kitty) the way my husband did. I know the man I married is trapped in the WSs body somewhere!

I've told myself from time to time that I can't ever be with another man in any way because if I were, it would taint my body for my husband. I haven't even kissed another man since 1992 when I met my husband. It would be my luck that I would go out on a date, maybe kiss someone and then my husband would want to come back and I would have to tell my husband that I was physical with someone besides him. Head games with myself? Probably, but my heart tells me to keep my body pure for my husband. That might sounds lame to some of you but I promised myswself to him forever and that is a promise I always intended to keep.

Good luck !!

#768535 04/04/04 07:22 PM
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My divorce won't be final til May 24, so I have a ways to go before I can even think about dating. The scary thing is, I feel in many ways that I could go out with someone tomorrow without a problem. I guess I am just desperate for female attention. Not sex, just affirmation that I am a nice guy and maybe a compliment about my appearance. I have lost weight (unvoluntarily) and become fit, but my wife (we are still under one roof) wouldn't comment about me if her life depended on it. I, however, tell her all the time how good she looks with the weight she has lost and becoming fit herself. She has bought lots of new clothes - the kind I have always wanted her to wear - and it is OBVIOUS that she is wanting some attention. Her mom says that she probably wants other women to see her cute new figure just as much as she wants men to. Any comment on that from anyone here?

She says she won't date for a long time - just read books, listen to music, relax, etc. I don't believe it. Everyone in her and my family hopes that we can gives things another chance after time and space. I still love her dearly as my bride and the mother of our two beautiful children. I just hope that I get that second chance before anything happens with another person for herself OR me.

I have thought and heard that "it's tough out there", and that I shouldn't worry about my wife jumping into something else so soon. But when I read here about people being chased by several different suitors, it makes me feel insecure and hopeless.

I pray for a "hedge of thorns" around her to keep others away. I pray for patience for myself, and that she will want me again someday after seeing my changes, my potential, and maybe remember that we actually had some good times as well.

Jody

Jody

#768536 04/04/04 07:44 PM
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Jody -

I can attest to what your wife's mom said. Yes, women (at least me) will dress for other women as much as for themselves and other men. We have to show the "competition" how "hot" we are! We also have to show other women and men how lucky our husbands are because they choose us. I have lost a lot of weight over the last couple of years (60 pounds - I was always really skinny and then gained weight during the engagement and the first year of our marriage) and have rediscovered how much I loved my body. From wearing new clothes to jumping on the elliptical machine.

I don't mean to generalize about how all women feel. I should've just said that's how I feel and how a couple of other women I know feel.

JMHO.

#768537 04/04/04 07:59 PM
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None of us are damaged goods. We have all made mistakes, made good choices, made bad choices, and you just get through life the best way you can with the information you have at any given point. Stop kicking yourself over the past and handle the right now.
Dating is a tough one. I am concerned about how to find a quality person who is a better choice for me than the men I have chosen (or have been chosen by) in the past. I want male attention (see my premature dating entry) but not at any cost to my self-esteem, confidence, morals or any part of my life. (to bring you up to speed - I have gone on a couple dates with a cute doctor and I think something fishy is going on)
Having a hysterectomy - what does that have to do with a new relationship? Sorry if that sounds brutal but put it into perspective...do you feel less of a woman, concerned that the person you meet will want kids? Gosh, I have stretch marks on my hips and inner thighs from repeated weight loss and weight gain (eating disorders in my youth) so what! I still wear a bikini in the summer time! I could give a sh$$ less what people think when they see my body. Self love is so important and I really believe that we all need that more than anything. Self love breeds self confidence, self respect and boundary setting. All good things that could make huge differences in all of our lives.
If you want to go on another date - go! Cut loose and have some fun - life is too short! Stop worrying about possible years of misery and watch for red flags - you are smart you know what is healthy and what isn't! Give yourself some credit, buy a push-up bra and kick up your heels for goodness sake! If you aren't quite ready, take the advice cinderella gave me - stop dating - go when you are ready!


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