I posted another thread about telling your kids about dating....and someone mentioned "being ready to date again".


So, what exactly do folks think that means? LOL

I never dated before....my wife was "chosen" at age 12...her and I really didn't even date...we moved into something...and then moved into marriage. But I wouldn't say there was ever a "dating" period.

So, at 34 now, I guess I am dating for the first time. 13 years of marriage, that's 3.1 years of time to wait....and wait....for what?

I have SO MANY QUESTIONS about myself, in that I have to brake totally free of the turnicate in which I was raised (religion) and also need to break free of the marriage in which I lived (extremely unhealthy mentally). So many things that I realize held me back in life, in a fixed position, a combination of lack of compatability, a tremendous fear of divorce and moving on becuase the the impact on the kids, religious wrappings, etc.

I'm fairly certain I have broken all those chains...but I am also certain that the handcuffs that bound me to the walls are still on my wrists. I suspect they always will be. Especially since it seems the questions one asks about how it can be, should be, etc. can't really be answered until one meets other people.

Anyways, so what does "being ready" mean FOR YOU?

I made a plan when I was 12...I picked my career, my final destination in that career, how I'd live, and whom I'd marry. Well, it is all true, except the marriage part...that part is gone. So, yeah, now I don't make plans about tomorrow. That's not a bad thing here, it's good. In other words, I'm open to daily re-evaluation...and change! Unlike before.


So, what does "being ready" mean to you?

I am not ready to date. It's been 2 28 months since I lived with X, and divorced for 8 months.
I still have alot of work to do on myself increasing my emotional intelligence before I can feel confident about making the right choices.
Now, my focus is on my children, and minimizing the impact on them, and getting settled into our new house.

I'm worried that Dating may take the focus off of them, and they are the most important people in this. They need a full time parent to help them adjust to the changes (even though I'm not with them all the time). Many people get distracted by dating after a divorce, and involve other people too early in the children's lives. For me, I don't think it's fair to my children to do this, so I choose to wait.

What newly said and more.

1. The reality of the death of your marriage.

2. Being able to live alone, or with your kids, feeling comfortable that you can make it alone. Learning who you are. What you want. Future goals, dreams etc.

So many times, marriages happened out of economice, children coming, our own insecurities etc. It is time to undo the damage done and learn how to live again. Being with someone for a long time doesnt just end with a signature.

3. Learning how to make choices, but more importantly, the right ones.

4. Your learning experience. Understand it. Trust it. Dont fall into the same trap.

If we were to jump into another relationship right away, it defines ourselves.

Insecurity, Need for sex ( you will find that it isnt as important as you thought) Need for a team rather than to try alone and succeed.

5. Emomtional Baggage brought into a new relationship hurts the new one. I have a freind who just left a relationship that was started too soon after the separation. She tormented him with her problems dealing with kid issues, bills, child support etc. She realized it and broke it off. He was devistated. Now she is taking a time out. To get her head together. To just focus on herself and kids. We all learn at different paces, so only you can define yours.

Ah...OK, I understand what you are saying....


There's no way anyone would ever get between my kids and I. I can understand that fear...but there's not a chance that could happen.

As for sex, I am STUNNED how my "desire" for sex is SO RADICALLY reduced now that the miserable marriage is gone. I can only assume it was "part of my plan" or something...LOL.

I know from reading Frued and Jung's work...Jung describes me fairly well. My personal ambition and energy comes from wanting to understand, from wanting to know WHY, not from a sexual desire as freud described.

Somehow, apparently, being in a bad loveless marriage, it seemed to bring out this desire for sex, that I no longer feel. Rather, I seek understanding. Odd.

As far as being happy alone, LOL, I've never been as happy as I have been in these past 8 months. I think mp22 would totally agree as well....and it seems that sometimes things are held on to that should have been let go LONG AGO.

I think everyone should define “dating” first. Casually dating, playing the field, is something entirely different from dating to find a mate. And people are probably ready for this kind of thing before they’re ready for a “relationship.”

And how do you know you’re ready until you try? Sometimes “not being ready” is an excuse.

On the other hand, the realities of being a working, divorced custodial parent are such that we don’t have time for anything more than the most casual of dates even when we’re ready!

[B][/B] </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There's no way anyone would ever get between my kids and I. I can understand that fear...but there's not a chance that could happen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say this now. But watch people you know. The infatuation stage and attraction are strong. You want to spend time with your new amore, and suddenly, there isn't as much time to spend with the kids or on the house, or getting stuff done.
Some people just replace one bad relationship with another. I say, Why bother?
I want a real, good relationship, not just somebody. I've done that before and it wasn't worth it.

And now I need to do the paperwork for my "church" divorce, so I'll be reliving everything again, and need to discuss it in front of a panel of priests.

I agree newly....rebound is common. I see it everywhere...but I don't see it in me.

I have no interest in "finding sex". I have no expectation of "meeting my new wife".

But I do have an interest in meeting people, woman, to talk and to learn.

I have my kids 5 nights a week...I don't have much time for such things...I understnad that. But, I have indeed been amazed to learn that not all woman are represented by my X. LOL

Of course, I already knew that, if from nothing else, from my experiences here on MB. LOL

Great topic,

I too feel that I used sex as a release from a bad married life. It was great, dont get me wrong but I miss it but not like I thought I would. STBXW said men think about it at least 10 times a day. Not me ever. If I walked in the door and she was there and said, lets do it, ain gotta tel twice. But with the impending divorce, the trial and tribulations of dealing with her, I have very little desire and I too would rather talk to a woman than ravage her. I think it is a defense mechanism in us that says to put it on hold, keep it in our pants, take matters into our own hands, and the many other cliche's there are.

Great subject! I've a few different men in the past few months. All of them were really very nice. Only one was somehow with whom I would entertain the thought of moving forward. But it wasn't to be. (Best part was we'd known each other in our previous lives but only to see.)

When that relationship was confirmed purely platonic it seemed to signal to me the need for some time on my own with my kids.

I'm really comfortable with that. I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who doesn't feel the need for romance. Maybe I'm just meant to be on my own with my kids.

Right now.

I’ll take my romance in mild flirting for now. This morning I thought about sharing my home with another man. (I did first think about having my STBX back in the home.) And you know what? The whole thing made me feel sick. I don’t want to change, adapt, sacrifice or compromise for a long while. I may not be the best candidate for a relationship.

I think it varies according to each person's needs and what they have come out of. I can see where those who suffered abuse, violence, or otherwise very harsh circumstances would need more time and assistance in recovery. Some of those may never have the inclination to marry again, which is understandable.

For myself, I have lived alone for 1 year now and D will be finalized shortly. I felt a release from ANY attachment to her after about 6 months. Our M was realistically one of detachment for many years, anyway, so my recovery time has been relatively short. Neither of us were perpetrators or victims of abuse or violence. I still have no idea why she actually abandoned the M but it's a moot point by now.

I am ready to move on and the Lord has opened a door of a new family for me, and for that I am so grateful. The past is the past. I have learned some hard lessons and sought earnestly to change myself. My next M will be successful and fulfilling. I have perfect peace and contentment at this point.

I'm not sure how to define "ready to date again," but I am not quite yet.

I haven't been on a date since I was 17, and met my now exH. We were together for 12 years before the separation, married for 7. The prospect of dating still scares me. A couple of days ago, the same day my divorce was final, a friend of mine suggested we go try "speed dating" (where you meet about 10 different people, for about 5 minutes each, etc.) sometime soon and I just couldn't stop laughing at her suggestion. There is NOT A CHANCE that am I ready for that.

Greengables said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think everyone should define “dating” first. Casually dating, playing the field, is something entirely different from dating to find a mate. And people are probably ready for this kind of thing before they’re ready for a “relationship.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though I don't feel ready for dating, I guess maybe some casual dating would makes sense before more serious stuff. However, my goal is to find a man to have a healthier marriage with and to have children with. I think I'd have trouble wasting time with anyone that I didn't think were capable of a serious "relationship" and that didn't have having children as an important goal in their life.

Something else you said greengables that I can completely understand is this: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’ll take my romance in mild flirting for now. This morning I thought about sharing my home with another man. (I did first think about having my STBX back in the home.) And you know what? The whole thing made me feel sick. I don’t want to change, adapt, sacrifice or compromise for a long while. I may not be the best candidate for a relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">During the past year and a half or so of my separation was the first time in my life that I ever lived alone. I don't think I could even begin to fathom living with someone, anyone right now, not even a female roommate. I am enjoying not having to compromise or adapt for anyone right now. I'd have to meet someone pretty amazing in order to be willing to give this independence up I think.

Just my thoughts on the topic,

Jen

I think another really interesting questions along these lines is:


How do you know when to end a relationship? And do you do it as soon as you feel it?

I've never really dated, I've never broken up, so it's not something I've ever done.

It seems to me VERY OBVIOUS that one would know...and as soon as one does, then you break up.

But is that what really happens? Do you meet someone, feel a little intrigued, and date a bit...and then when you see signs of the first "WHAT_OH", do you just walk away?

So many people seem NOT to do that, right? Whether it be for security, for sex, to use someone...whatever the reason.

Speed dating...LOL...that actually sounds like it could be fun. It would be very fun to see how quickly you can assess people...and answer the question about if there'd be any possibility of a future.

I think it is wifty who writes about being able to assess someone in just a few minutes, or much less, and in many ways, I totally believe in that.

But I agree, there's a HUGE difference between casual dating, which I will define as things like dinner, talking, NOT sex, NOT serious thoughts of spending life together...LOL. Anyways, causual dating and then "looking with a purpose".

On that note, that also greatly affects the answer of "When do you know when to dump someone"

A causual date, I'll call that more of a new friend. Whereas a romantic thing, with thoughts of a future, that's far more.

Maybe it is those thoughts about the future that DEFINE if it is a casual thing or not...Interesting.

bp22,

I am rarely lurk here but your thread caught my eyes.

I am done w/ my M when the judge grant me change of status. I have no bitterness toward the whole thing I know I had done my best. However I wasn't ready back then b/c I have personal goals/issues that I would like to acomplish/resolve and also there is financial settlement that I need to watch out for. I guess it is more like I don't want to bring someone else even as GF into my life before everything is done. Now the financial settlement is done, I am ready go back into the market <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I define ready by putting a closure to my Dv and issues such that I am not contaminating my next R.

I am also learning about dating now ... my exW is my first date. I got into one mishap just last month on my first try. How to break it off ? ... If you saw a red flags you should be up front and walk away from the tought of R. I would not walk away from friendship if both of you enjoy each other company.

Yes, there is "Just friend" & "friend w/ potential for R". I think you have to communicate what you want up front & open so that both of you are on the same page at all time.

I have a question for you.

We all know MB concept to build love: ENs, LBs, Time, Honesty. Isn't this putting her at disadvantage situation ?. Are you going to use them w/o telling her ? What is your take on this ?.

Personally, I don't use it unless she know about it too and we are in committed R. I am not intentionally use MB to access her LB$. If who I am and what I am capable of match hers ENs and/or LBs that is super. However I am not going out my way to intentionally "change" or try to fillin hers. I need one reason ... unless and until we are in committed R, I would not do that. BTW, she knows MB too but other issues that she brought in make R going south.

-rh-

Redhat...

I like what you said about "ready" being when you have let it all go...and won't bring it into the new relationship.

Are you asking if I would speak MB talk to a new lady? Or would I hand her a couple of books someday, when I suspected a chance of seriousness in our relationship?

I don't know....maybe. I think I would bring up all the ideas of MB, albeit perhaps not in MB lingo. I certainly have my long list of questions that I developed over the past couple of years here...and these would all be seriously explored. Would I tell her this? Or would I just explore them?

I don't know. I guess much depends on how she was...if she might be taken back by such a thing, offended, etc. Hmmmm....I suspect the time would come when I would bare all...and have to reveal all my posts here...LOL...and that would actually be fine. I've never said anything that was part of my evolution...and I have nothing to hide.

So, yes, I do think that someone whom has learned some of the relationships skills/concepts from here has an "advantage" over someone who hasn't. I don't think these things are rocket science...but they ARE important to a successful relationship. They are all, indeed, very fundamental.

So, I think I'd see how tings went...and eventually I'm sure I bring up the whole marriage builders thing...and maybe even hand her a book or two. But certainly not initially.

If I saw problems, I think I'd just run. LOL I'd never hope that MB concepts can chnage her.

In fact, I'd NEVER want to try and change anyone....or act in a special way for me. If it isn't natural, it IS going to cause resentment. So, I'd never use MB to "change someone". Just myself. LIkewise, I would not change myself against my will for another...to suddenly start doing something...that's not a good sign. UNLESS that thing is a new, fun thing that you have discovered.

I'm ALL for "going places I wouldn't go alone"...physically and figuratively. It seems that respect, compatability, and trust...the three pillars I call them...they can bring about all sorts of great things.

bp22,

You are ready ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . However take it easy.

About changes ... well in MB we have to learn and be able to fillin our mate's ENs !. You could wait a long time before you find one that has it naturally and you for her too !. You want to change for her and vice versa. The change comes from choice - Love is a choice. Read again giver&taker and instinct&habit. As long as you learn to be a smart giver & taker you will be fine.

Have you read Buyer, renter and freeloader ?. It is a good book ...

-rh-

Redhat said:
"We all know MB concept to build love: ENs, LBs, Time, Honesty. Isn't this putting her at disadvantage situation ?. Are you going to use them w/o telling her ? What is your take on this ?.

Personally, I don't use it unless she know about it too and we are in committed R. I am not intentionally use MB to access her LB$. If who I am and what I am capable of match hers ENs and/or LBs that is super. However I am not going out my way to intentionally "change" or try to fillin hers. I need one reason ... unless and until we are in committed R, I would not do that. BTW, she knows MB too but other issues that she brought in make R going south."

I was pleased to see this response from Redhat. This is what I've been thinking I'll do when it's time for me, and to see that someone I respect from these boards sees it this way too makes me think that I might be getting it finally? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Note to Redhat while I'm here--thank you so much for all the terrific advice and explanations you gave to other posters over the past few years. You were helping me too and I appreciate it!

LovingBoundaries,

You are welcome. It has helped me too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, what does "being ready" mean to you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, let me try from my own experience.
my first date, well, i wasn't ready, i had flashbacks with the X, i was needy, i craved attention from any female that had a great sense of humor . . .

how do i know now if i am ready? well, first, i don't look at "dating" as a word in my vocabularly. i meet people, and study people, and not until i can figure out another's motivations from simple interaction, did i feel comfortable in being in a committed relationship. . .

second, probabilities. . very low for success as the older one gets. . . the pool becomes filled with emotionally weak people. . . there are still some good ones, but very hard to find. . . . . my X loves the dating scene. . . but her dates are total losers. . not my kind of interest. .

know yourself, be comfortable with yourself, and be able to NOT make a commitment to anyone else is important. . . because you want to find the right person. .. and there are many to meet. . mostly casually. . .

now, the weirdest part of my life has been living with my parents for the last 9 months. . . why? because they both have very similar behaviors to my X wife. . . ugh, that means that i made an unconscious match with someone i don't particular like the qualities of. . . just because they were familiar patterns that i grew up with. . .

and the worst is that i acted like my dad when i was dating my X, and that is not me. . . at all. . .so when i became me, at about age 32 . . . my X did not like me at all .. . and my parents only now begin to understand me . . . not badly, but in the way that i handle myself with respect to others. . . and with them . . .

its very enlightening, and my current girlfriend, whom i have been with for awhile, . . is very much like me, and very unlike my parents, but matches me very well . . we are alike, . . not different, as with myself and my XW and my parents. . . so the key is to know yourself, and in knowing yourself, you can describe from where you came, why you like what you do, and why you don't. . . and what you dislike, and why, and if you can verbalize that, and stand by it. . . meaning, if the person has any qualities thatyou don't like, you don't continue "meeting"

by knowing yourself, by being able to say no to any what appears to be a good catch. . . right away. . . and to know why you said no, and why you would say yes. . . and then having the experience of doing it. .. you have never had much experience in saying no. . . now you have to practice it. . . and i have practiced it. . . and i continue to practice it. . .


wiftty

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 01:14 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong> [QUOTE]. . . the pool becomes filled with emotionally weak people. . . there are still some good ones, but very hard to find. . . . .
wiftty </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My friends give me a hard time since I am going out with female not on my age bracket (10 yr. my junior). They don't understand what you have just posted. You seems have a lot of experience in dating, thanks for sharing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you learn the most from your mistakes and I have made more than most . . so I am wise with experience of what not to do!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could not help it ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> , where do you gain experience of what to do ?. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Live Learn & Love
-rh-