Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 327
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 327
Twice in the past week, two totally different people who I've spoken with and know that me and my X are divorced, have both said what a jerk he was (not in relationship to me, but just in general). They actually used the exact same word!!

This has never happened before and we've been divorced for a couple of years. I have a really hard time knowing how to respond....mostly I just don't respond and silently say a prayer for him.

Regardless of the hurt, pain and incredible anguish he caused in my life, I have healed and have tried very, very hard NOT to speak bad of him. He is an emotionally mixed up person, had a very bad childhood and while he IS responsible for his actions, I guess I do have some compassion for him.

I am totally not in love with him at all, but I am realistic enuf to know that he will always be a part of me in some way...mostly I think of him like a brother, who is sometimes mildly annoying and who sometimes makes bad choices.

I'm not sure what I'm asking or why I'm commenting on this, but what do others think of this? I really don't like dishing dirt on him with others, nor like to even hear it, but I also don't really feel that it's my place to "stand up" for him.

Has anyone else had a situation similar to this?

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,749
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,749
Hi mrsO

I have been in a similar sitaution lately, my MIL is very sick, and both of his sisters have mentioned how he has not been to see her as much as me. At first I found myself making the same old excuses for him, he does not deal well with illness, but then I felt stupid doing that and saw it a just another way he is selfish and withdraws from difficult sitautions. And Lately I feel a little sorry for him becasue once she is gone, I would think he would have regrets, unless he is able to keep everything locked away from his feelings. Now I am trying to just let it go...

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
Mrs O, you seem to be saying words of compassion. Yes, you were married to this man for many years. You gave your heart to him, your words to him, and he was the one that you confided in. This is hard, and when someone says that your X is a jerk, it very well could be true.

I believe that prayer will help you and your X. It is hard to have others talk disrespectfully about your ex. For you married this person, so what does they say about you and your chosen partner that the marriage failed?

I also, do pray for my ex when someone puts him down. He was the man I married for love, for I loved this man, and chose him to live the rest of my life with, and chose him to have children with. Now he is my ex, and he has done some really stupid things, but we all have. The affair was the most stupid thing I think he has ever done. And now that he is back with the otherwoman, that is his problem now.

You are a woman of compassion, and deep love for your ex. A love that will never go away.

Like many say, it takes time to heal. And maybe one day, 10 years down the road, we will feel differently, not sure. All I know, is I am leading my life according to Gods plan.

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
Ms.O,

You could respond in a few ways--

In silence as you have in the past--

or

by saying something to the effect that your sorry they have apparently been hurt by him and hope they can one day work through their hurt--

Or

Ask them "have you brought that to his attention, maybe he doesn't realize he's acting this way, and if you say something to him--maybe he'll change?

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 327
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 327
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong> For you married this person, so what does they say about you and your chosen partner that the marriage failed? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, that's true too! But along with the two comments were also comments that "he's changed alot in the past coupla years" which I find to be true too. (And yes, he can be a jerk sometimes!)

Regardless, I think that I will be connected to him for life. I personally think that when you join you life with a person in marriage, it's a spiritual/emotional bond that goes beyond just a piece of paper. And even the divorce cannot break that.

ThornedRose: I think those are good responses, esp. the one asking the person to tell him if he's acting like a jerk. But again, it's up them to do so.

I think they think they are making me feel better to say he's a jerk. But it doesn't.

I can't help it...I do have compassion on him. When I forgave him what he did, I asked the Lord to let me see him as He did, and I guess that's what He did!

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 2,580
R
RWD Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 2,580
My x's sister said to mr that she thought I would be the one to have the affair because x treated me so badly.

I've defended my x a couple time to my mother who started criticizing her as a mother. Other than missing a lot of their stuff beacuse of work, she was a good mother.

Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 2,580
R
RWD Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 2,580
My x's sister said to mr that she thought I would be the one to have the affair because x treated me so badly.

I've defended my x a couple time to my mother who started criticizing her as a mother. Other than missing a lot of their stuff beacuse of work, she was a good mother.

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
Ms.O,


--I think those are good responses, esp. the one asking the person to tell him if he's acting like a jerk. But again, it's up them to do so.

TR--yes, it us up to them--but also let's them know that you really aren't interested and if they have a problem with something he is or is not doing--then they need to deal with it--

--I think they think they are making me feel better to say he's a jerk. But it doesn't.

TR--You could also tell them--your really not interested in discussing your X--and if that is ALL they have to talk about--maybe they should contact you another time--when they have other things to talk about--

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
Ah...I get this alot too.

My family bashes the x. My bro in law, a surgeon, once had to be talked outta driving four hours to get here b/c he wanted to "give him a reason to visit a doc like him" (ortho). That was after my fall down flight of steps and the whole l side being bruised.

Most people do not use words as mild as "jerk" to describe my x. I sure wish that I could get to point where I see him as an annoying brother or something, but I think it's much better for me to keep as far away as possible as he's not changed and doing same stuff to new golddigger w.

When people say stuff, including his business partners' wife, I just downplay it and try to take the high ground.

If you talk negatively about them, these same people can sometimes (if they still have any dealings with the x) could casually leave out their thoughts/words and only mention your negative ones thus stirring up trouble all over again.

It's usually better to leave a stinking poo pile alone as they don't smell as bad rather than kick it around a bit. Just my .02

Like I learned from my high school newspaper sponsor (I was editor), always "consider the source" before repeating anything or giving a comment to.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 327
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 327
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justpeachy:
<strong> It's usually better to leave a stinking poo pile alone as they don't smell as bad rather than kick it around a bit. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HA....so true, so true!! Thanks all for your responses.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5