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#773400 06/24/04 06:39 PM
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Liz & JO,

Can I come to the party?

Now I'm being bumbed off for UO.....

back later

#773401 06/24/04 07:18 PM
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I had to log in to respond to you Jo,

What if I said I was happy and content.. and then I met someone? Because I really was. So don't get snotty with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Call me instead and you can vent all you like.

#773402 06/24/04 07:50 PM
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SING! My angel!

Oh yeah! It's really a parrrtay now! WOO HOO!

Lora! How nice to see you too!

See Jo, how can you be snotty when you have such a nice group of friends??!!

If you have friends like us, you don't need enemies OOPS, I mean anything! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

#773403 06/24/04 08:18 PM
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I noticed that several of the few people who said they were happy and had not met someone had had marriages that were abusive. They often mentioned feeling something that sounds to me like relief. But what about those whose marriages were not abusive, but "normal," where the WS was a decent man and loving father until falling into severe depression?

#773404 06/24/04 08:55 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They often mentioned feeling something that sounds to me like relief. But what about those whose marriages were not abusive, but "normal," where the WS was a decent man and loving father until falling into severe depression? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could see where this would be something a lot harder to recover from. Without the sense of relief it would be harder to let go and move on to having the happy ending that everyone hopes for.

My WS is a decent woman and loving mother and I was not in what I would consider an abusive relationship. However, I still see signs of relief in my future knowing that there may be a better future for me.

Don't have that happy ending yet but I will!

WIWH

#773405 06/24/04 10:35 PM
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Ahhh, everyone's journey's has touched my heart and put on a big smile on my face.

I received my papers a month ago. But there is 31 grace period and today I looked at the calender I am free, free, free. I am doin a happy dance.

After a two year long drawn needless legal battle I am free. I love the progress and great news for some of you who are opening their hearts again.

I have a long ways to go-- odd for me to asked out on dates, I politely turn them away, just don't think that way. But am far from ready especially for my children sake and not quite the woman I want to be just yet.

Newly your doing simply marvelous. Hope you'll remember me as mayflower, you helped me through a difficult time last year, haven't been back to MB since several weeks ago. A year has gone by but it has been a very ugly year.

I am very, very, very happy for my divorce and my life that will be done. What really excites me, is I did it by the grace of God, faithfully honored my wedding vows to the end today.

I feal like I crossed yet another great threshold into the unknown, the some wonderful finish line in my soul, racing through the ribbons of a different race.

I'm free to run on, and be happy.There is a very special joy that I have not felt since the day I made those vows. It is finished, what an awful 23 yrs of hell. But what a victory there is now. I am so encouraged and blessed.

Hope I will be blessed in never having to see or hear from my XH again ever. Wha hoooo,

Doing a bit mourning yet for my children. Two years of grieving good enough---want to be happy. Bruised, battered, but am healing.

#773406 06/24/04 10:39 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I noticed that several of the few people who said they were happy and had not met someone had had marriages that were abusive. They often mentioned feeling something that sounds to me like relief. But what about those whose marriages were not abusive, but "normal," where the WS was a decent man and loving father until falling into severe depression? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll bite. Every situation is different. I mean really... who else here can say their husband fell 4 stories! Each situation comes with it's unique little twist.

But there you go... that situation could be compared to mine. I had brain injury, you depression. Both very real medical issues. Things we couldn't control. Things we can't fix and man would we give anything to do so. But, we can't. We can't fix other people. We can't make them love us, and we sure as heck shouldn't beat our heads into a brick wall because we want things the way we want them.

It's all time. The old stupid oft used cliche... Time heals all wounds. Ok, sometimes it doesn't, but run with me here a sec.

Realize that there are things beyond your control, give them up, and do what you need to do to make a life for yourself. If you follow that formula somewhere somehow it has got to work.

#773407 06/25/04 12:03 AM
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Hi Jo and HEY to all the old timers!!!

Wow 5006 posts, that's too cool. I still lurk but don't have much advice to give.

Hey, I was one that found happiness before the D. I was chatting with an old time buddy and asked if she was "happily married" She responded that happiness comes from within not by whom you are with. I am not sure that she knows to this day how much that statement meant to me or how it changed my outlook.

I picked myself up by the sneaker straps [I don't wear boots] and dusted the old Zippy off. Three months before my D was final I rewarded the new me with a "divorce present" yeppers a brand new arrest me red Trans Am. Later got the vanity plate "XWS LOSS" just for poops and giggles.

Oh and then I met up with G. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Does this count?

#773408 06/25/04 05:40 AM
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Hey! It's Zippy the Pinhead....

You ALWAYS count!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

And how is Jo this bright and sunny morning?

#773409 06/25/04 08:48 AM
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Jo,

Do you really think it's jealousy? From what you've said you have dated different men--but then broke it off--when it got to a certain point of seriousness--

That doesn't sound like jealousy that other's have been able to move forward--but more concern that you are still cautious in that area--

And you know--I really think that's normal for a healthy person--think back to what you've been through and how much you've grown and changed over the past few years--there is nothing wrong with wanting to "wait" or 'put off' being in another relationship when you've been deeply hurt from the one--

The fact remains as this--you have dated other men since you've been divorced--you have learned something about each of these men which has helped you to learn

1. that not all men are like your ex--

2. To build your personal boundaries

3. to put those boundaries into practice within a relationship--

And you know what--Boundaries--are something we should have learned as children--so that we can protect ourselves from danger--

And I think something your still learning--I had to learn this--is that boundaries aren't Concrete wall's--thay are more like a yard with a fence around it--and the fence has a gate that can be opened and closed--so that we can protect ourselves--we can let in who we want in there--and we can ask to leave who we want to ask to leave--nothing say's we can't invite someone in and then later decide to ask them to leave--

Think about your home--you can invite the repairman over to fix your sink--but that doesn't mean you want him to move in with you--you trust that he will come fix what he needs to--and then go on his way--that is a small boundary--(but for some it's a huge one--if they have ever been taken advantage of by a repairman)

But with your heart--that is something totally different--your heart (or in Biblical terms, your soul) has been deeply hurt--and to just trust it to someone else to love and care for--is something HUGE to ask--

the only one you can truly trust to take care of your heart is you and God--and even trusting God sometimes is a major step--I mean--we can't SEE Him--so How can we really know for sure that HE will protect and care for us?? We don't just step out there and trust Him--for many of us--it's taken a long time to learn to trust Him in small things--the first step in trusting Him is accepting that He is--that He does actually exist
and then we begin to trust Him with little things

I think the biggest area of learning to trust God is in providing for us--which is why so many people don't tithe 10% of their income--we worked for it--and if I give 10% I'm not sure I'll have enough to live on--even though He tell's us to Prove HIM in that area--we still don't--we afraid
to--and for some of us that have experienced that
provision--we still get scared sometimes when life get's overwhelming--and we pull back--

Just as you have done in these relationships--you get to a point where you trust them even a little--and then you get overwhelmed and pull back--so it's normal--

each time you step out in faith just a little more--and you back away--you can look at the reasons your pulling away--and can recognize I need to work on that area of trust--so you take it slowly to be sure you have your boundaries in the right place--to ensure this person isn't going to run over them--but will respect them--

It's a slow process and we learn where to place them with close family members first--and then friendships--and then in dating--think about children--we as parents are to teach them their own personal boundaries--then they start meeting friends outside the home-and learn to set them their--that's actually the reason my kids can't date until they are 16--at a younger age they are still learning how to say NO to peer pressure--
they don't need everyone to like them--they don't need to LIKE everyone--and they don't need to do something just because everyone else seem's to be doing it--or say's they are doing it--so they can be accepted--

So looking back at your life--did you learn those boundaries as a child? are you, like many of us--just learning them as an adult? Or are you basically going through your emotionally charged teen years with more wisdom and understanding learning where your boundaries belong again??

Anyway you look at it--your at the right place for you--in order for you to grow emotionally stronger--

I was just thinking about my youngest daughter she's 12--and is jealous that all her friends are dating--and she isn't--(because MOM won't let her) as I know she's not emotionally ready--

something you can look at here--is God (your dad) telling you it's okay to move forward? and your not ready out of fear? Or is He telling you it's not time to move on yet, because your not emotionally ready? either way--both places are okay--for now, until you have the courage to step out in faith--just know--if at some point you find yourself being pulled in two directions of not wanting to step out in faith--and wanting to--if you always pull away--you may miss out on one of God's blessings for your life--but it is ok to be cautious and make sure it's what is right for you--

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

#773410 06/25/04 10:35 AM
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Jo,

I've been thinking of you after you posted this yesterday. I thought, hum, what thoughts do I have to offer you? Then I came across this and thought of you AND many of us here:

STRONG WOMAN VERSUS A WOMAN OF STRENGTH
 
A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape ...
a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.
 
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ....
a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.
 
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ... 
a woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.
 
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future ...
a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings  and capitalizes on them.
 
A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face ...
a woman of strength wears grace.
 
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey
a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

Anonymous

You are a special lady indeed!

#773411 06/25/04 02:47 PM
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Well it's a darn good thing that this site logs in my password automatically, because never in one hundred years would I have remembered it!

Hey guys...how are you all!

Jo and Lora ... warms my heart to see you girls.

I've been down a long and rough road due to exactly what this post is about. All I can say at this point is that I should have listened to you guys and all of the others who were telling me to wait! I didn't because it felt so darn good at the time to not hurt anymore. WRONG-O Allison.

I hate admitting just how wrong I was and have not posted here in months and months due to my humiliation...but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to say hello to my friends.

Nice to see so many old friends on this thread.

allison

#773412 06/26/04 02:44 PM
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OMG .. Allison!

I'm going to respond to you at length, but I have to run a few errands, but I will be back.


I also have others to respond to as well.

Jo

#773413 06/26/04 07:13 PM
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Well, if we're all coming out of the woodwork...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


In answer to the question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will someone please please please respond with a success story where they ended up divorced yet they are very happy and content, BUT didn't get that way via: "and oh by the way, I met someone".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heck, I've met lots of people! Nothing has worked out, though.

I'm still pretty happy despite that fact. I figured out that I'm glad I'm not married to the XW anymore. I'm okay with the fact that she's engaged again (poor guy!), and I've long since learned to live by myself...no relationships needed!

Oh, sure, I'd like to have another go at it someday, but I'm not holding my breath.

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 08:20 PM: Message edited by: cjack ]</small>

#773414 06/27/04 12:16 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>Will someone please please please respond with a success story where they ended up divorced yet they are very happy and content, BUT didn't get that way via: "and oh by the way, I met someone".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure I quite qualify, because (a) I did meet someone, and (b) I am frustrated by her lack of interest in taking our friendship in a romantic direction.

However, I am thoroughly delighted with the way my life has been going. I don't know where it's going, but God has been so active in my life, that I am very excited to see what He's going to do next. My frustration with my relationship situation is just one piece of the pattern, and I can see and appreciate how everything about that aspect of my life has been another part of my growth and healing process.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How in the world do you trust when Harley tells us never completely and fully trust your spouse, that we're all wired for infidelity. Anyone know?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I started to get interested in someone new - the first woman I had ever truly been interested in besides my (ex-)wife - I had to ask myself that same question: could I ever fully trust again. To my surprise, I discovered that they answer was "yes"! God had gotten me through betrayal once already; so as painful as it had been, I knew that with God's help I could survive it if I had to go through it again. And the alternative of never trusting again seemed even more dreadful to me than the prospect of another betrayal.

#773415 06/27/04 06:06 AM
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GnomeDePlume,

Please try not to get frustrated at her lack of interest--that could be a blessing in disquise for you--

Take the time to ask trusted friends and pastor what they see in her--as a potential mate for you--what do they see in her as far as her growth in Christ--as to where you are in your walk--

Look at her spiritual walk away from your's--does she study the word on her own? Is she actively growing in her own relationship with Christ? How is her prayer life away from you? with you? do you pray together? if not, have you tried to pray with her, if so what was her response? Do you study the bible together? or talk about what your learning from your own studies? does she share what she's learning with you?

I know for some that might sound strange--but if your overlooking these areas--and going totally on well--she goes to church with me--or she reads the bible with me occassionally--and God can change those areas--you'll struggle--because if your relationship with Christ is an area you don't want to compromise--(and I believe that it is) then she needs to be strong in her own walk and her own relationship with Christ---you really should make sure she's following Christ for herself--and not for you--

And right now, as she's not wanting to move things forward it gives you the opportunity to look at things from all angles--to make sure it's really God's BEST for you!!

I realize none of this may apply to you in the relationship at this point--but if your wanting to move things forward--they are worth looking at--
or they may be thing's she's looking at and wanting to see if your walk is for real--or if she think's it's all an act just for her--and something that will change once she takes that step forward--

#773416 06/27/04 11:53 PM
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I am 2.5 years post divorce from a serial cheater who left me for my best friend when I was pregnant with our third child.

I have peace and contentment, and feel like nothing is missing from my life. And I'm not dating anyone. I have dated, and even had a year long serious relationship that I broke off because he was ready to get married and I wasn't, but that was over a year ago. People ask me all the time if I've met anyone, and I think it is a bit amusing that they think that is what would make mine a success story. I think I am a success story not because of me, but because of what God has done in my life. I know He is in charge, and that if I keep trying to do His will, all will be well with my soul!

I have so many positive things in my life that it would be foolish of me to focus on what I don't have, even though our society seems wired to run on coupleness and love. The fact that I have three young children to channel my energy into may make a difference for me, though.

If God has a Godly man for me, I'm hoping He will give me the trust and discernment to recognize him. And if he doesn't, I can fly with that too!

Krista, a single success <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#773417 06/28/04 06:21 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong> GnomeDePlume,

Please try not to get frustrated at her lack of interest--that could be a blessing in disquise for you--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No disguise is necessary. Our relationship has been a blessing to both of us, and since neither of us were ready for romance when my interest first developed, her lack of interest has ensured that our friendship has grown at a healthy pace and in a healthy manner.

I am a patient man, and I think that if I knew my feelings would be reciprocated some day, I would be ecstatic with how our relationship is progressing. But since I don't know that, I struggle with my feelings, fearing that my fixation on her is preventing me from seeing other possibilities clearly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Take the time to ask trusted friends and pastor what they see in her--as a potential mate for you--what do they see in her as far as her growth in Christ--as to where you are in your walk--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a bit tricky. Out of respect for her feelings, I have avoided talking about "us" with our mutual friends. However, most of those friends know that I am interested in someone, and a fair number of them - perhaps all by now, for all I know - have figured out who that someone is. Not one has offered me an opinion about our suitability for each other, and not one has attempted to discourage my interest. This includes the pastor with whom I have discussed the situation from the beginning (since I wanted someone to hold me accountable for my behavior toward this woman).

The typical reaction from mutual friends goes along the lines of: "Well, of course! She's an amazing woman. How could you not be interested?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Look at her spiritual walk away from your's--does she study the word on her own? Is she actively growing in her own relationship with Christ? How is her prayer life away from you? with you? do you pray together? if not, have you tried to pray with her, if so what was her response? Do you study the bible together? or talk about what your learning from your own studies? does she share what she's learning with you?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her spiritual walk is progressing beautifully - as is my own. She studies the Bible and thinks and has an active prayer life. In fact, just about any time someone talks to her about a concern, her reaction is "Let's pray about it." We belong to the same Bible study group, we share what we are learning frequently, and we give each other verses of encouragement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I know for some that might sound strange--but if your overlooking these areas--and going totally on well--she goes to church with me--or she reads the bible with me occassionally--and God can change those areas--you'll struggle--because if your relationship with Christ is an area you don't want to compromise--(and I believe that it is) then she needs to be strong in her own walk and her own relationship with Christ---you really should make sure she's following Christ for herself--and not for you--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heh. The bigger question, given the fact that I'm the one interested while she's not, is whether I'm the one following Christ for her. But both of us are putting Christ first, and we both know it.

I completely agree that this is not an area in which compromise is acceptable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>And right now, as she's not wanting to move things forward it gives you the opportunity to look at things from all angles--to make sure it's really God's BEST for you!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed! And believe me, I've agonized over this question, along with the question of whether it's really God's best for her. Unfortunately, everything I consider suggests that it could be, which doesn't help me let my hopes die.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I realize none of this may apply to you in the relationship at this point--but if your wanting to move things forward--they are worth looking at--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heh. I don't want to move things forward. If our relationship is going to progress in that direction, then I want God to move it forward. As I see it, my job is just to be myself, live my life according to what God shows me to do, and love this woman in whatever ways respect her boundaries.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>or they may be thing's she's looking at and wanting to see if your walk is for real--or if she think's it's all an act just for her--and something that will change once she takes that step forward--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, I think she just doesn't see me as the kind of man she would want to marry. Maybe it's the age gap, or maybe it's something else. But since she isn't interested in pursuing marriage prospects at this time in her life, I'm not sure that she has given sufficient thought to what kind of man she would want.

But as for me, I'm pretty sure she knows I'm for real. She has ample opportunity to see what I'm doing with my life in areas that have nothing to do with her.

#773418 06/29/04 09:57 PM
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Ok, need to add my 2 cents worth here!!!! Been gone to camp for a week so just seen it today!

I'm divorced and I'm happy!!! Not neccessarily happy that I'm divorced!!!! Did that make sense??? I didn't want the divorce and wish for what could of and should of been my life at this time!!! I do not let this control me or my life, I admit it and move on.

Actually I am very much liking my life right now!! It's nice to come and go with my daughter when I want, do the things that I want when I want and not worry about how some one else might be effected by my wants.

I haven't meet anyone, not for lack of trying sometimes, but that is something that is just not meant to be in my life right now and that's ok, Somebody will come around someday and I can wait, cause he's going to be Somebody good!!!


So those are my thoughts on this matter!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#773419 07/03/04 11:10 PM
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Slight Threadjack Ahead:

HI ZIPPY AND MITZI!!!
I am still in Va. Beach, enjoying being single. I was recalled to Active Duty (Naval Reserve), and spent some time in London. Great City!!!

Back to Subject - I have been divorced for five years, am very happy being on my own, and have not yet dated anyone. I guess I'm too picky and/or have trust issues. But, no matter - life is good just the same! I've not really met anyone here that I'm interested in dating (yet). I have been too busy with another person I met (ME) that I had not seen in a while. Like many others, I thought it best to deal with my own baggage and grieve the end of my other life, in order to be healthy and happy, whether or not I met someone. I did, however, met a man at a friend's Wedding whose kindness, wit and sensitivity touched my heart. It was a welcome reminder that I'm not quite dead yet, and that a really kind, wonderful man can still touch my heart. Unfortunately, he lives on the West Coast, and is about 12 years younger than me. Just enjoying his company for a short period of time raised my spirits and reminded me that it is possible to have those feelings again.

Anyway, I am open to meeting someone special, but it just hasn't happened. Perhaps I need to be more proactive!!! But, whatever happens, I know that I will be just fine. If I end up single, I know I will still be happy. If I meet someone and re-marry, I know that I have taken the time to work on myself and hopefully will not make the same mistakes in my first marriage, that I will be aware of indications of trouble, and take action before it's too late.

I have not posted here in a long time and have just mostly been lurking the last few years. I will post a more complete update later.

There is life after divorce! And it can be wonderful, if you let it!!!

Love and Blessings,
Marsha

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