I ran into an old neighbor from when I was married yesterday, so we stepped into a cafe and had a soda together; caught up on the news, etc. She told me my ex is home nearly every day and doesn't seem to be working......probly why he doesn't pay his child support. But what really bothered me is that she said she often sees him hanging out at the pool (next town over from mine) and working on his tan. The reason it bothers me is that he was convicted of molesting his stepsons in his first marriage. His visitations with our kids are limited to supervised visits; but now I hear he's spending time at the pool where there are lots of children! I've looked at lists of "warning signs" for pedophiles and he fits every one of them.......but he's not on the centry registry for abusers because his conviction was before that was started. Should I do something about this? What? I really don't want to have another child hurt that way if there's anything I can do to prevent it. I'm also annoyed that he's working on his tan while I work 2 jobs to make ends meet.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

I agree with Laura that you shouldn't compare your life to his (such as - you work 2 jobs while he is working on his tan) BUT I don't think this man should be hanging out at that pool, around children, when he is a convicted sex offender.
I am not sure what you can or should do - perhaps a call to an agency in your area that deals with sex offenders, just to find out what can be done - if anything.
The man is hanging out by the pool all day looking for victims. It is the standard M.O.
Let me give you the short version of my ex FIL's story:
3 years ago - on the 4th of July weekend in fact - our 15 year old niece was at a church camp. There was a speaker who was talking about good touch bad touch, and telling the girls that if they have experienced the "bad touch" they should report it so they can get help. My neice goes forward to say that her grandpa has touched her on several occasions.
Camp counselors called her mom - and the sherrifs department (her mom is my ex husbands sister by the way). As a result of this coming forward we find out that when they were kids my ex's 2 sisters were also molested by their father. They never came forward because they were ashamed, embarassed, all that stuff, and they didn't want to shake up the family. I can accept that - but this is the sad part - this 15 year old niece was left with her grandpa, alone, many times over the years, by her mother who had been molested by him! The mother has been a single mom, and whenever she needed an overnight babysitter she would drop her daughter off with grandpa. Sometimes grandma was there - but more often she was not.
I will never understand what the mom was thinking of. I guess she thought that her father was older now, and had "grown out of it".
Fast forward to today - 3 years later. Grandpa just got out of jail last month. The day he went into jail my husband changed. He began to question everything in his life - and the end result was his A which lead to our D.
My point?
Child molesters don't "grow out of it". He molested his step sons. He is looking for another "fix"
You have to do something.
The down side is this - it isn't going to change the fact that he isn't paying child support. He isn't going to suddenly go back to work and pay what he owes you. But you have the chance to save some other child before it gets any worse.
Keep me posted - this story has hit a nerve with me.

I need to "let go" too, and know it is very hard not to compare.

I'm writing because at the YMCA pool last week, many parents just dropped their children off and left. These kids are young. Yikes.
What could possibly be so important to leave a child alone at a pool. So I can see your concern.

In my mind - sirens are going off - red flags are waving everywhere - fireworks are exploding. This is the YMCA pool- and parents drop their kids off there all the time. He hangs out there a lot becuase it takes a while to make "friends" with a younger boy, get him to trust you, and then.....
He is not just working on his tan - he could do that in his own backyard.
He is sick.
You have to call somebody and find out what can be done.

Anna ---

Contact the police department and ask for a detective (if your department has specialized departments - ask for someone in the special investigators department). Tell the officer what you know, what you suspect, and tell him you are leaving that information and what he does with it in his hands (if you happen to have a copy of any paperwork - give him a copy).

Then - MOVE ON. Get on with your life and when 'friends' come to tell you what he's doing - tell them you don't know that many any more and you'd prefer not to talk to him.

Any chance of relocating a ways apart from him - like 500 miles or more?

I'd recommend it.

Jan

I agree with seekingjoy 100%

You don't need to personally involve yourself with his activities at the pool but if you let local law enforcement know, they will pay attention. They also have more authority in giving any type of information necessary to the manager of the pool.

If not the police, you can probably find a local childrens rights organization that can take care of the "Keeping an eye on him" and you don't need top concern yourself or worry that you didn't do something.

WIWH

Thanks for all the good advice! I know many of the policemen and the sheriff in our town well because of all their support while the no contact order was in effect......they arrested him 12 times! In fact, it was the sheriff who tipped me off that my ex was a convicted sex offender during the divorce, as he did some digging on his own during another investigation. So, I am going to go talk to him and ask him what to do and to let police in the other town know.....altho there is nothing legal they can do; if the pool staff knows that his own children won't be at the pool; perhaps they can notice if he leaves with any other child.

But then, he could go to another pool, another church, and I know I can't continue to protect everyone from him.

AND, a huge surprise this morning when he called me; it was the first time I'd spoken to him since the day I moved out; May 21, 2002. He called to tell me about his new job, how I"d be getting child support and medical insurance for the kids, wanted to know how the kids were; chummy as ever like it all never happened! It was a pleasant conversation but I felt like I was being sucked into that quicksand of unreality that I lived in for sooo long. Not sure how to maintain my boundaries, be a good parent, care about him as a person yet not let him con me into letting the kids be alone with him.......it's all really confusing.