Howdy all.

Well, as my subject line suggests, my exH is driving me crazier and crazier. I just can NOT imagine how he can be so entirely, completely self-centeredn and so entirely, completely MISS what he is doing to the kids!

Some brief background of this specific incident:
About a week and a half ago, my son was working with his dad at his dad's business, and dad left son at work with a list of 10 things to do. Son got to work doing them, and by his own admission did not give 110% to humping and getting the job done. He completely finished 3 things on the list, had done about 75-80% of the stuff on 5 more things on the list, and did not even start the remaining 2 things on the list. Here's the bizzarro part--up to this point, my exH and son are in complete agreement. My son has spoken with his dad and said, "I admit, dad, that I did not give 110% that day. I wasn't feeling great, and rather than call in, I thought I'd go to work, just keep working at 'em, and get done what I could get done." My exH also agrees and says that 3 were completed to his satisfaction, 5 were about 75-80% done, and the other 2 were not even started.

On my exH's side of the sitch, my son has a tendency to be distracted and not do his absolute best all the time. In other words, a little bit he tends to try to "skate by." Also, son asked if he could have F and Sa nites off so he could cruise for chicks, and rather than just tell his son "no"--exH pouts but gives it to him with resentment. On my son's side of the sitch, he worked for his dad for a whole month one time and the exH didn't pay him (he was just too busy to get to paychecks two times in a row, and he only got to them when basically son and I started to complain.) In other words, they are a FATHER and SON, and both sides took a little advantage of the situation and of each other, but basically enjoyed working together.

Sooo...son didn't do the world's best job, and very consistent to his nature, exH has a FIT!! Calls names, blames, pouts--you name it. After ranting and raving for hours, he basically tells son "You are FIRED! I don't want to ever work with you again!" My son came home that night all upset, he's tired of taking it from his dad, etc. and I tell him that it's between him and his dad and I'm not getting in the middle of it.

The next day, dad is silent, no contact, and I don't want son to get the idea that if he's not working with dad he can sleep until noon and party all nite, so I have my son help me with some of MY business. He helped me fold brochures and pick out places to deliver to, and plan a car/delivery route for the next day...and he was also generally sad and down becuase his dad hurt him and he even said that he felt he was being abandoned by his dad for making a mistake! After still no contact from dad all night long, we make plans that tomorrow son is going to drive me around ALL DAY--he gets the driving experience and I get to deliver my stuff.

The next day, exH calls and asks son, "Do you want to come over and work?" as if nothing had happened. Son is like STUNNED! He says, "Dad, I already had a commitment to help mom today. Can we do it another day?" ExH goes BALLISTIC!! He rants and raves that son is abandoning him just when he needs him, and he can't believe how son is treating him...and meanwhile my son is just shocked. Over and over son tells exH that he just wants to honor the commitment he made to me and that he'd be happy to do it another day...but it's not fair to just blow me off... ExH slams down the phone.

The next day was a Friday night and the restaurant exH works at called son to ask him if he could work Saturday night. At this point, son is SUPER confused, because when he asked exH if he could have F and Sa nights off...remember? Rather than say, "No son, that's not reasonable in the working world. I can give you Fri nite off, but I'll need to schedule you for Sat" instead told son that he COULD have F and Sa nites off and then resented it!! So son told them, "Well, my dad told me I had F and Sa off, and just two days ago my dad fired me altogether, so I'm not working with him anymore." ExH heard that son told the restaurant people this and went BALLISTIC AGAIN!! Swearing...name calling...how dare he?? etc. ExH even went so far as to call me and say that son had cussed out the restaurant people and lied and busted their (explitive). I immediately called the restaurant and they basically restated what son had stated--they asked nicely...he said "my dad fired me" nicely...and both restaurant and son seemed confused as to what to do next.

Jump forward to today.

#1--ExH now has D coming over to do some organizing and filing. I have insisted that he pay her every Saturday to avoid the previous lack of payday, and in his very consistent exH way, he paid her PART of what he owes her but won't pay it all (AARRGGHH!!).

#2--Son has counseling on Thurs. with a guy that I trust and son loves...exH initially agreed to pay $30, I pay $30, son pays $30 to pay for the fee--and now exH won't pay his share because son abandoned him. ExH says, "I don't see it doing any good so what's the point?" Well, A) it takes more than 3 weeks and B) exH agreed to it and C) he's ex's son too and it's in his best interest and D) exH hasn't even talked to counselor OR son so how does he know if it's doing any good?? AARRGGHH!!!

#3--Rather than have son sleeping in until noon every morning, I have him wake up and help me. Every day son either looks for and/or applies for several jobs, and every day that he is not formally employed somewhere I have him helping me do things for MY business. When exH found this out, rather than be happy that his son is not just laying around, the ex literally had a jealousy FIT and is angry that I am getting help. Literally those words: "I am angry that he's helping you get your work done when he should be helping me and just abandoned me."

#4--Son has said to me, "Mom, maybe this will end up to be best because we can be father/son rather than employer/employee." I think this is a rather healthy attitude and is my son's effort to make lemonade out of a pretty sour lemony situation. When my exH heard this (what do you guess??)...RIGHT!! He went BISERK!! You see, it seems to me that son was supposed to suffer and be punished by not working with his dad, and since son is not suffering, exH has to go insane.

#5--Our son has ADHD. This is not an incurably fatal disease, and can easily be worked with and coped with. People with ADHD can grow up to be wonderful, competent, capable, contributing adults. But, some adjustments need to be made, and one of the adjustments is school. School is a constant struggle because the public school attitude of "sit down, shut up, take notes at a lecture and don't rock the boat" does not work well with an ADHD child. Especially in high school, I constantly struggle with his teachers asking them, "Please ASK him to turn in his homework everyday" and running into the attitude, "He's 17yo and should be responsible to do that on his own." "Well yes, maybe he should, but that is NOT where he is at developmentally right now, and it is a wonderous accomplishment for him to DO his homework every night, and every time he does it and FORGETS to turn it in and gets a zero for work he did do, he gets discouraged--so could you please just ASK HIM!!!" AARRGGHH!! or the English teacher who gives him the assignment to do a research paper and son does tons of research, work, and really does his best but is not very good at grammar--and the teacher gives him a D and says "poor paragraph structure". DUH!! When he turns in his rough draft, teach him about what better paragraph structure would be or give him clues that would improve his paper--give him some credit for the research and trying rather than just blowing it off. TEACH HIM TO IMPROVE starting with where he is at--not just "where a 17yo should be" (whatever that is!).

So, last night exH communicates to me that son is my problem now and he's not willing to participate in making decisions on son's schooling because blah, blah, blah. What a cop-out!! My exH is his FATHER!! It is the parent's job to be there for their children, not the other way around!!! Son needs all the assistance he can get when it comes to school, organizing, homework, cooperating with teachers, etc. and now dad is gonna cop an attitude.

#6--ExH calls the house, son answers, and his dad invites DAUGHTER to the house for a ribs BBQ but does not ask his own son to come over.

#7--REALLY...need I go on??

Oh, it is just so frustrating! My exH is acting completely like a BABY, blaming my son, and accusing son of doing exactly what HE is doing! My son never abandoned him ever--he kicked son out of his life and then yelled at him for leaving!

AARRGGHH!!


VERY little hair left today.


CJ

FaithfulnewCJ,

Take 10 deep breathes. Now do it again. Your struggles with your X as a parent sound very familiar to me. Mixed messages, manipulation and misplaced rage cause upset, chaos and craziness for our children and ourselves.

Yes, the craziness continues through the children being put into chaotic and confusing situations and not knowing how to deal with expectations that change all the time (as seems to be with your X) For people with ADHD and their struggle with impulsive decision making and follow through, modelling consistency,structure and routine is helpful. Obviously your X is incapable of this understanding as is mine.

Seems to me that your X is not sure whether he is the buddy , the parent or the other kid in the sand box with the children. Regardless if X does not want to "play" with son, then you cannot either or he wants him back to play with him! Issues are never ever sorted out either, just left to simmer until the next explosion of chaos.

In my sitch, the wife validates X's very similar behaviour to our children and criticizes me as a parent, even though X has no idea about our children's needs,has shown no interest and taken no responsibility to be a parent, except when it is to sabotage a plan of facilitation that has been made by me with/for a child educationally or medically and I have informed X who was opposed to doing anything in the first place. Of course he also then promises the sun and moon and the stars to the child so they make different choices than the one I promoted and worked with them and professionals to put into place. When the child accepts that "father knows better than mom" plan, then X abandons the child and provides nothing he promised and turns on the kid in fury, blaming him/her for causing him problems in the first place. I then am back to where I started and we move forward, after expending an enormous amount of wasted energy....until the next time that dad "has a better, easier, more fantastical plan" and dad is the hero until this all erupts again. It is totally crazy making, but I do know that as long as a child of ours still is in need of a parent, I cannot as yet walk from the craziness that continues to be brought into my life.......

If you have any solutions to dealing with this type of behaviour which is draining, please let me know.

In the mean time enjoy the dates and be prepared for more craziness, perhaps, when your X learns you have another life:)

CJ,

Does your son have modifications at school? If he can be classified as 504, he can be given modifications & the teacher WILL HAVE to LEGALLY follow them. Talk to your son's school counselor. Your son most likely could be classified as 504 due to OHI (other health impairment).

CJ ---

Just a thought...

Relationship between S and XH truly should be between THEM now.

I realize you are attempting to protect (and I agree), I just wonder if you stepped out of the pictured --- don't encourage S to contact or innitiate in any way - leave it to son. When XH calls, say, Sorry XH that is between you and S, please don't tell me anymore.

I just wonder if your stress level might go down and S would find his own comfort level with D.


Continue to encourage S with work, getting a job, school etc. but don't let XH pull you into a disagreement. In the case of counseling - run it past the court - they may order XH to pay. As for schooling - YOU handle issues as his mother - and if XH chooses to become involved leave his involvement alone.

You might tell the teachers - XH and I disagree on treatment of S. I'm the custodial parent, I wish it to be handled thusly - and ask them to voluntarily comply.

I guess my bottom line would be focus your energy on your S and pretend XH is invisible and does not exist (don't we wish that could happen).

Blessings,

Jan