My son (18) came home from visiting his father, and said that his father had complained about not being invited to a school event that he had known was upcoming. My son told him that since he had never asked about it, he assumed he wasn't interested in attending. Of course he chose to complain after the event had passed. He has attended only two or three school events in the past five years or so - even when specifically asked, and I believe they were all for one daughter. The last event he attended he didn't tell the OW about until after the fact - she called him to find out where he was, as he was of course late returning to her house. I know that for a fact because I was standing right next to him when she called him.

He told my son that just because he doesn't ask about something doesn't mean he doesn't care. Yet to most people that is precisely what it means. It seems to me that most people DO ask about matters they care about - if your coworker has been sick, you ask how they are feeling; if your friend is looking for a new job, you ask how the job search is going, etc. I realize that some people avoid asking about difficult subjects, such as asking about how a dying person is feeling, but school events? I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times their father has called them for some reason other than to say when he will pick them up - and two of those times were when his father was dying/had died. He told our shocked counselor that he didn't call them because the first time he did they didn't have much to say, and that they could always email him if they wanted to contact him. He has never called to wish them happy birthday, though he does give them presents around the time of their birthdays. He has rarely seen them on Father's Day - this year he told them they could not visit that weekend because he was going to a graduation party. When our youngest was seriously ill for a month, he did not ask about her condition.

Most of the time we were married, he contacted his parents a few times a year at most, and they rarely contacted him. Sometimes well over a year went by without him contacting his brother. His parents rarely sent birthday cards to their only grandchildren.

Don't normal people TALK to their loved ones? I know men aren't normally as big on conversation as women, but this is ridiculous. Sometimes I think that he has Asperger's. His superficial social skills are ok, but I think perhaps he is incapable of forming any real attachments.

newly,

My x only contacted his parents a few times a year, very rarely his siblings. Contacts own kids very little, it's not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't do it, it would take time, time he could be playing racquetball or doing something else. I did set up with him that he call on Sunday and Wednesday nights, Sunday nights I wasn't home so the girls could talk however long they wanted and Wednesday nights so that we would be home. It broke the girls hearts to hear a message from their father that they missed. I was still trying to keep him a good father in their eyes. Not my job anymore!!!

He was in FL for three weeks and spent one day with his parents and they complained to me when I talked to thme once and all I could say was that I was sorry that he behaved so badly. Makes me wonder how much I was holding that man up and helping him to do the right things.

It is sad that fathers don't want more to do with their kids, my x lives 12 hours away and at first he came every 3 months to spend a weekend with them, now it might be twice a year, the older ones don't push to go there cost them money and time from work. They've noticed that dad doesn't make the effort for them, He is going to miss so much with the new grandbaby coming. I bought a new digital camcorder so that I would be able to send pictures to him and my son in laws parents, sent pics of Prego daughter last night and already got thank you for in laws but nothing from x, so am I to keep sending things when he can't take the time to thank me, how do I know if he enjoyed seeing them? Or do I do what I know is the right thing to do and send them anyways? I am hijacking your thread now and I am sorry!!! It's just one of those topices that sets me off BIG TIME!!! How dare they ignore and hurt their own children?

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nellie,

One explanation I can think of is your X is like my father and his grandmother. Each would wait for an invitation to be issued, and get bent out of shape if they weren’t invited. It was a way to make people cow-tow to them.

My father only talks to us about personal stuff when he’s playing at being the “good father.” He’s very inattentive, and only interested in us so far as the love and care we can give him. But then, he’s a sociopath.

I’m sorry the children’s father is acting like such a jerk. It must be very painful to you to watch your children suffer from his indifference. They’ll be okay. Truly.

I think he may really be hurt when the kids don't share stuff with him - yet it never seems to occur to him to initiate any kind of conversation with them. When he does talk to the kids, it is usually to lecture them.

Nellie1,

I imagine he hurts too--and is just to proud to admit he made a mistake--and for most people it's easier to blame others than to actually look in the mirror at ourselves--as even part of the problem--

Nellie1 ---

This question came about in the facilitator's office too.

My ex says he won't call the kids. The *f* asked if I would 'enthusiastically encourage' the kids to call him on holidays, etc. I said, "No." I won't tell them they can't call him - but I'm not going to encourage my children to do something that I'm fully aware that he doesn't want. Over 13 years of marriage, he never once wanted to acknowledge or celebrate a holiday - more likely complained that we had a holiday.

My point is - it isn't the kids responsibility to create a relationship with a parent who is absentee by choice. The parent should be innitiating the relationship, and if they are not, the child has no reason to pursue it.

If the parent is hurt - the problem is his/hers.

Jan

He told our son that I had changed a medical appt for another one of our kids and hadn't let him know -which was a lie, because I left him a message on his voice mail immediately, two or three weeks before the new appt. When he made the original appt, he didn't tell me at all - it is a good thing that our child is good at details, because otherwise I wouldn't have have had a clue whom it was with, or when it was.

I stopped communicating with him awhile ago by email, because he rarely actually composed an email - it is obvious from the writing style that the OW did - I know his writing style and word usage after being together for a quarter of a century. I bet almost everyone here could also tell the difference between the writing style of an engineer and a Wellesley graduate.

I left a short polite message on his cell asking him to call me to discuss the medical appt., and he called our son up and told him to tell me to either email him or send him a letter. Then the OW changed the message on his answering machine to say, in her voice, "if you want to get in touch with H, email him or send him a letter" which must have been really confusing to anyone else who may have called. She has since changed his email message to say that it is her phone, and now my son doesn't know how to get ahold of his father to discuss when to pick him up.

Absolutely everyone we have dealt with, including his lawyer, tells him that it is important to talk to each other. The counselor also told him he should call the kids every day. Yet he (or the OW) is trying their best to ensure that all communication go through her only. Apparently even when he is lecturing the kids, she is usually there lecturing and complaining that I "never tell them anything" as well, managing to thoroughly antagonize the kids.

He won't communicate with the kids; he won't communicate with me - apparently he prefers to just complain.

Nellie1,

Is he working? Is there anyway--the kids could meet him for lunch during work hours where this OW is not around??

Oh yeah - he works (at just over one-third of his previous income) at the same place the OW does. He got that job after having stayed unemployed for two years, some of which was during a time when the unemployment rate in his field was almost non-existant. He had virtually no experience in the area in which he is now working, and according to his lawyer he really dislikes it. But she can keep an eye on him there.

The kids do see him for dinner at a fast food restaurant without her.

I recommend you read www.paskids.com