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#77815 07/01/02 05:34 PM
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My husband is not able to have sexual intercourse because every time he tries he gets a very painful cramp in his groin. It's gotten so that he doesn't even let his mind think about sex anymore for fear of the pain. It has been over 3 years since we have tried. Anyone ever heard of something like this? He doesn't seem to get the cramp other times.

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Has he seen a doctor about this? Also, have you tried the on top position? C

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He has not seen the doctor yet for this. At one point he told me he was goint to, but I think he is procrastinating out of shame & embarassement. He becomes upset over the subject, so we have been ignoring it. I guess this won't solve anything. What I miss most is the stuff that comes with it......the kissing, the intimacy.

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addie,
I don't want to alarm you, but many on these boards can tell you that this could be a signal of infidelity. 3 years and you have not had sex and he has not seen a doctor? I do not think that many men would want give up sexual intimacy for such a long time just out of embarrasment at seeing a doctor.

He needs to see a urologist ASAP to determine if there is a medical problem. If not, than I would evaluate what is going on in your relationship that he would be willing to go without for so long.

Please forgive me if I have overstepped by suggesting this, but I have heard too many stories to find this normal behavior. His health is the 1st concern, and I would approach it from that angle. He needs to know that you are concerned about him, and take it from there.

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I can see where your coming from when you say he may be stepping out, but, in this case I really think he is not. He was having some problems maintaining an erection before he started getting the cramps, and even then, his duration was so quick (I think because he worried if he didn't hurry up, he would loose it and then fail). But we have had so many other M. problems, (his drug problem - ice & weed), and occasional temper tantrums - his off and on unemployment and basice innability to take care of himself financially. I have kicked him out of the house for months at a time, (longest was 8 months) because of being fed up with these problems.

You may wonder what I even see in him. That part is easy. In many ways he is very thoughtful and considerate. He is one of the few really clean men I have ever met, he can make the bed and fold a blanket more precisely than I can. He never makes a mess that he doesn't clean up himself, cooks, does dishes and even occasionally runs the vacum or washes the windows. No, he is not the least effemanate, in fact he is one of the biggest, "macho-ist" men I know. I met him in our local sports bar/dance club, where he worked as a bouncer. He (usually) talks to me in the sweetest tone of voice, and is great fun to talk to. I never feel lonely when I am with him. And another plus, is he is great to look at, just looking at him makes my little heart go "pitter-pat".

This last time I finally let him come back home after he asked me (over the phone) to please "not give up on him". (he was living out-side at the time, homeless. Even his parents have thrown up there hands...and this man is no boy, he is 48 years old. When is he going to learn?) Anyway, I suggested he study the Bible and go to Bible meetings with me, as I felt the only one who could really help us is God himself. Low and behold, he took my suggestion and began studying the Bible and attending meetings in earnest. That was last February. He later told me that at first he was just doing it to be able to make me happy and be able to come home, but then he said as he learned things about the Bible that he never new before, he started doing it for himself. So........that's why I'm still hanging in there. I feel there is some real hope now. and about what I first said, we never even had any sex to "make up" when he first came back home or anything. I really think it is either a physical problem, or maybe even emotional, as he feels bad about himself that his employement is only an "on-call" job as a substitute security (he quit the bar jobs 3 yrs ago - bad environment). I have been trying to take things a step at a time, and not put too much pressure on him as he has such a long climb up. I can see him making some strides, though..

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I am not a MD or Counselor, but I have never heard of such a thing. What specifically is meant by "groin" area -- inside part of upper part of leg -- part of body between the leg & hip? Or are you being sensitive and actually mean the penis?
My first instinct was that maybe he is having some sexual orientation issues. I know that does not sound good. I understand that a guy's masuline physic or mannerism does not preclude them from being gay as such.
I also understand that as us guys get closer to 50, there are many that have some dysfunctions in this area. Perhaps with a big ego, he just does not want to face that reality & uses the cramps thing as an excuse. Here again, medical advice is warranted. Perhaps a circulatory problem? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
It seems more than a physical thing, the moods are not there either? Does he stay up late at night after you retire & on the computer or dirty movies on TV? This gets really weird, but does he have his own private, self love sessions? Three years with no "release" would be like a lifetime for most guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

On the surfice, it seems he has no s** drive --- too many of the wrong kinds of drugs?? Hey waite, Steroids?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It does sound like a hormonal thing.

There is a natural substitute for Viagra, called, (don't laugh!): "Horny Goat Weed" -- really -- that might help, but I believe some medical advice is mandatory, for sure! Even counseling!
Best of luck!
HH

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Addieprey,

As Hurrian Hoosier stated, I too, am not a doctor or counslor, however my wife is a doctor and after discussing this briefly with her, she states the obvious - he must get to a doctor and have a thorough examination before any progress can be made. You must realize that any thing said is purely speculation, but this type of condition is not "normal". The cramps are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. Your husband may have some type of neurological problem in the groin area, he may have circulation problems, he could have a slow growing cancer, he could have ... many things that only an examination would reveal. Further testing such as ultra sound, x-rays, CAT scans, or MRIs may be needed before an accurate diagnosis can be made. Delaying this could potentially cost him his life.

Good luck and God bless
RC

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I'm not a counselor or dr. either, but it does sound psyhcological in nature..(No not saying he's crazy) but I have heard of men having performance problems..and it's usually because they were sexually abused at sometime..so they have a fear..

I personally know 4 men who were sexually abused
and all of them from what they have shared with me have at one point had a problem with sex..one of them was my group counselor at one time and he shared part of his story with us..so that we would feel more comfortable sharing our stories with him..he is a wonderful counselor..these men shared their past abuse with me..because I shared mine with them..they've seen my growth and healing and wanted to know how I have grown past some of the triggers..

one of these men can't get hard without there being some form of bondage..and he has to be in total control..if the woman shows any type of initiation..he can't get hard at all..his mind
freaks..he desires his wife to be the initiator,
but this fear from his past abuse is THAT over powering for him..

Another thinks he has to be macho, he has this feeling that he has to fight to prove he's a man..
and he even hit his ex wife because of his own insecurities in that area..(he's in jail now, because of his temper) and he's dealing with this while in jail..

The other has been thought to be homosexual because of how he carries himself..he's a clean freak, impecable in that area..

But, it is something to consider..it would cause shame..and self doubt..and it could cause him to feel pain in that area to avoid those feelings of shame..that he can't please you sexually..

All of them went through the drug and or drinking phase..trying to run from the memories..(I did the same..hid out in drinking)three of them turned to God..one is still not sure he trusts God completely yet..but the other two are healing..the other is still running from God..
he still has a difficult time thinking of God being a loving father..as he doesn't know what a living father was like..and his dad was a professing Christian..so he runs from that..
thinking God would want him to do that to him..

Like I said, I'm NOT a counselor..so I can't say this is the problem...but based on the few men I do know who have openly shared things w/ me about their abuse..and what they experienced because of it..it's a possibility...


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