I am remarried for 10 months now. I separated from my ex six years ago (my kids were 2 and 4) on discovering his fourth affair. Well... I only know of four, anyhow. Last year X married affair #4... he's cheated on her, too.

Hubby raised his son on his own for seven years. His ex became schizophrenic and decided to self-treat with illegal drugs and alcohol. She left her family for a 60 year old biker and hasn't been seen for four years. Hubby has always been very open and honest with his son about why his marriage ended and why Son hasn't seen his Mom for a long time.

Now Hubby feels I need to be honest with my kids. I don't agree. They are now 10 and 8 and have not asked why we divorced. On one hand, I don't want the kids to believe that marriages should end at the drop of a hat, I want them to value marriage the way Hubby and I do. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt them by telling them that their dad's new marriage started off as an affair. I share custody with my ex.

So, who's right? Should I tell my kids now, before they ask? Or should I just be prepared for an honest yet simple answer WHEN they ask?

I'm one for honesty--why? Because that is what the bible teaches--

You don't have to tell them his new wife was the final straw on why you split up--but you can be honest about why you divorced--

I look at it-- if I want my kids to be honest with me, then I need to set the example by being honest with them--but that's just my opinion--
even with painful things--that way they know they come to me about anything--

I agree with being honest too, BUT... I have been advised by 2 attorneys and my shrink to divert any questions the kids, same ages as yours by the way, have about their mother to their mother. We are going back to court and me being honest with them is one of her issues.

The truth depends on the teller.
I think it's important to take the high road and not badmouth the other parent to the children. They will find out soon enough for themselves.
If you do tell them your "truth", it's difficult to determine the correct age appropriate wording.

My kids are 5 & 7, and they get more than I imagined.

first, honesty is key, paramount.

however, there is an age appropriate answer for everything. AGE APPROPRIATE

Details, opinions, need to be age appropriate, and only need to be discussed if brought up in conversation. . . also, one must learn to speak for oneself, and not speak for others, which needs to be followed. If you initiated the divorce, and it comes up, then you need to answer the question with an age appropriate answer. . .

if the kids are at a dating age, then discuss it in terms of dating expectations, if they are younger than that, discuss it in terms of respect issues. . . and expectations. . .

However, don't always discuss the issue in personal terms, discuss the issue in conceptual terms. . . take the names and positions out of the answer, and ask them what they would think if their best friend did x,or y, or z, or if dating, that one is easier. . . talk about TRUST and how TRUST is so very important, and how lying and cheating break trust and can break marriages. . without discussing actual facts. . . they will get the message. . .

I have discussed how competing with family members breaks up families. . . so that when the kids start competing, i put an end to that, and stress support. . . a husband does not compete with the wife for attention. . . I discuss leadership, and how a parent is supposed to display leadership, teach values, and keep kids safe. . . my son, 15, wants to participate in activities that are not safe in school terms, and I told him no this weekend, and the terms that i want him to finish school, that the activity is too risky and that he will have time to do that when he is more mature. . .

have your explanation discuss leadership, explain respect, responsibility to the self and others, and how people react to trust and borken trust. . .

if you can do that, without specific actions and events, then its age appropriate and they will learn the right lesson.

wiftty

My kids are small (7 and 3). They don't need to know why TBXWW and I are divorcing. The 7-year-old asks sometimes why we are divorcing, and I toe the party line: "Mommy and Daddy weren't happy together, etc." Needless to say, that's a true statement but it leaves out a ton of info.

However, if when they're older one of them asks, point blank, if either I or TBXWW cheated, I will say, "I never did. As for your mother, you'll have to ask her that question."

Thanks, everyone. Good information.

I wouldn't want my kids thinking that divorce was ok if the parents weren't "happy" with each other. If the kids do figure it out, they will feel betrayed by the parent who kept it secret as well as the by the WS.

My parents were together, but I actually believed that some people divorced for that reason until after my H left and I started doing research on the topic. Throughout my marriage I had no idea that it was common for spouses to leave without it being obvious that they were unhappy - it was only after he left that I found out that a much more typical scenario is for a spouse to leave for an OP completely out of the blue. In addition to the terrible feeling of betrayal due to my spouse's actions, I felt betrayed because no one had ever told me that hardly anyone leaves unless there is an OP, or that it is common for spouses to leave without warning. If I had known that when I was in my early twenties before my H and I were married, I would have been highly suspicious about his behavior at one point, and might have never married him and thus saved myself and our six children all this heartache.