I guess I've given up for good now. I had a terrible weekend with my H and a number of our mutual friends... it was very uncomfortable for me, acting like things were just as before when they are nothing like before. I wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. But I didn't - I just sucked up and acted like everything was fine.

Anyway, I now know I need to move on and quit wishing for changes that aren't going to happen. As part of that decision, I have decided to buy a house instead of renting - which is big for me because it is more of a "final" step than renting. My realtors think I can be in a new house by X-mas.

I'm sort of excited at the idea of starting all over from scratch, but scared too. And now I'm also wondering, am I burning my bridges by taking this action? Will this make it more difficult for H and I to get back together again in the future? How many people ever do get back together again? How likely is it to work out the second time around? I'm looking for a sanity check now so I won't regret it later. I appreciate any input you might have on people getting back together a second time around.

Deja Vu,

I don't have any advice on what you are asking for but!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> am I burning my bridges by taking this action? Will this make it more difficult for H and I to get back together again in the future </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Houses can be sold as easy as they can be bought!

Deja Vu

I'm in the same boat you are in, I have found the house and ready to make an offer on it. I have not give my agent the green light yet because I'm still between moving on or waiting and hoping (I'm getting tired of waiting by the way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) . I'm leaning toward moving on and see what happen. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that there are other out there who feel the same way you do. Good Luck !!!

Hi James,

I found a house today that I really like and am also ready to move on it. I'm waiting for H to finish his refi and give me my $$. Until I pay off my debts I can't get the mortgage, and until he closes his loan I can't get the $$ to pay the debts. So, besides the emotional roller coaster, I'm also in a sort of holding pattern waiting on H's actions (it seems like that's been the entire history of this M!)

I wish you luck and hope you get your house. As Wish says, we can always sell a house as well as buy one. That helped me decide to go for it. Good luck to you too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Deja Vu:
<strong> Hi James,

I found a house today that I really like and am also ready to move on it. I'm waiting for H to finish his refi and give me my $$. Until I pay off my debts I can't get the mortgage, and until he closes his loan I can't get the $$ to pay the debts. So, besides the emotional roller coaster, I'm also in a sort of holding pattern waiting on H's actions (it seems like that's been the entire history of this M!)

I wish you luck and hope you get your house. As Wish says, we can always sell a house as well as buy one. That helped me decide to go for it. Good luck to you too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOu can't live your life this way. Your WS must live with the decision you make (as you will also). In my case, movng to a new house helepd me face the "reality" of the situation. It was frightening, but I did it. I am recovering every day from this, and you will to. "Starting from scratch" is a time for you to paint a new canvas for your life. Embrace this new start and see it for all the good that it "could" bring you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. If you are still "harboring" hopes of getting back together than maybe you should be doing everything in your power to delay the divorce (NOT that I advoacte this, but this is a common MB "ploy").

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> YOu can't live your life this way. Your WS must live with the decision you make (as you will also). In my case, movng to a new house helepd me face the "reality" of the situation. It was frightening, but I did it. I am recovering every day from this, and you will to. "Starting from scratch" is a time for you to paint a new canvas for your life. Embrace this new start and see it for all the good that it "could" bring you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. If you are still "harboring" hopes of getting back together than maybe you should be doing everything in your power to delay the divorce (NOT that I advoacte this, but this is a common MB "ploy"). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've read your many posts on this topic (of trying to fix M's) - in my case there is no A involved so no WS - just a LS (Lost Spouse). He doesn't know what's wrong with his life... it's a little different situation. He's also suffering from depression, and his meds may not be adjusted right. There are many possibilities and I don't want to slam ALL the doors in case any of these are going on.

However, I'm with you all the way on the notion of not being a doormat. I am not going to hold back on the D in case things work out. No. If that happens, we can get remarried. I've decided that I don't like the way he chooses to solve his problems - stewing by himself and then running away from his commitments instead of trying to fix things. Also, many of his friends have told me he needs to fix himself, and that he is not facing the realities of life. They believe he wants to find a perfect life, and doesn't want to be responsible for his own actions.

I tend to think his friends are right - and quite frankly, I'm not willing to go through this again. I don't know what would it would take to convince me that he has changed - but I'm not going to risk going down this path again.

I'm looking forward to getting my own place. Yes, it's a bit scary - BUT he is staying here and can stew in the memories and worry about fixing all the broken things. I, on the other hand, will be somewhere else and able to rebuild from scratch. I'm not even taking any of the dishes or silverware with me. How many forks and knives do I need anyway?

Still, I feel bad. I really do. I wish things were different. In my more lucid moments, I know this is the way things have to play out, but part of me still holds out hope. It just isn't the rational part.

We seperated last January when we were poised to buy a house together but my husband got cold feet. So, he bought it by himself, and I bought the house had been living in. We got back together in June and I rented out my house and moved in with H....
Now we're getting Divorced, or so it seems, and I can't move back into my place because I signed a 1 yr contract with tennant.
O well. I might be moving to another town anyway, if I get into the school program I want.
So, it's for the best, but the house owning vs renting thing is a non-issue-- if you got back together, that is.
Lucy

oops

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: country mama ]</small>

Here's another in the same boat. My H has filed for divorce, and I have had to buy a place by myself. We had sold our home almost 2 years ago and been searching for another one, had an offer ready when he told me he was leaving me. Are we married to twins separated at birth???

My H is also depressed, although he does not admit it. He FINALLY admitted to a friend last week that while not happy married, he's not happy now. I,too, know that we had much more going FOR us than AGAINST us, but he is dead set on divorce, and I cannot stop that. I believe in my heart that the man I married is still in there somewhere, and that we belong together. Our family belongs together.

Back to the house- you do it!! you need to focus you energy on something positive, and paying a mortgage is much better than throwing money away on rent. My H is upset with me for doing it, but I know it's because he's jealous- hello, my job is to provide a home for OUR children!

I"ve also been searching for stats on divorced folks getting back together, and haven't found much. I don't want to have empty hope, but I just can't seem to give up on him, although I know I need to accept the divorce.

cm

Yes people do get back together. It took fours years but finally my husband came home. He has been home a year now and things are going well.
He said he was NEVER coming back. We lost our home also. We were fighting over it and the bank got it.

Anyway , I have my husband back and one day God will provide a home for us that will be better than the one we had before.

Lots of restored marriages here, www.restorem.org , both before and after divorce.

gentle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by country mama:
<strong> Are we married to twins separated at birth???

My H is also depressed, although he does not admit it. He FINALLY admitted to a friend last week that while not happy married, he's not happy now. I,too, know that we had much more going FOR us than AGAINST us, but he is dead set on divorce, and I cannot stop that. I believe in my heart that the man I married is still in there somewhere, and that we belong together. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel that way too. My H took a personality test at work and asked for my feedback on it. I said, that's the man I married, but that's not the man I'm married to now. He then told me he was afraid he had answered questions the way he thought he was and not how he really is. Apparently he has concerns that he has changed for the worst. He's right. This is not just my opinion, but I've now heard this from his friends and people who have worked with him as well. He has alienated lots of people, yet sees himself as a caring, thoughtful person. NOT!

This is what makes me think - like you - that this person is still in there somewhere. But, you know what? I can't coax it out of him, and can't change him. I think he has expected me to fix him and make his life whole - in which case, the ONLY way he will change is WITHOUT me. So, onward and upward (I hope it's upward!)

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Back to the house- you do it!! you need to focus you energy on something positive, and paying a mortgage is much better than throwing money away on rent. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to. I woke up this AM really excited about that house, and I'm going to call the realtors today and tell them I want to pursue that one.

Thanks for all your input. I think I knew I was doing the right thing, but with so much confusion and second guessing these days, was looking for a sanity check. You all, as usual, provided that nicely. What would we all do without each other here?

Deja Vu,

I'm happy for you, it is time to move forward and <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> upward. I finally told the agent lastnight to put together an offer for the house, base in the ealry indication is that there is a good chance that the offer will be accept. I'm wait for my lawyer to give me a greenlight on this and will be meeting with him Monday. This house is about 20 miles away from stbx house and since we have 50% physical custody of the children, I don't know how to work it, thus meeting with the lawyer. I've got to say that for the first time in more then 2 years, I feel better, not only that I'm doing something for myself and my children, but it also feel like I'm break free from jail. Good luck to you, keep us inform of your progress.

Jim

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jamesp:
<strong> I finally told the agent lastnight to put together an offer for the house, base in the ealry indication is that there is a good chance that the offer will be accept. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you - I hope it works out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Good luck to you, keep us inform of your progress.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My realtor just contacted me to say they have another offer on the house pending, but apparently want my offer as well. So, even though I wasn't quite ready to leap just yet, I'm going to go for it anyway. I have no clue how/where I'm going to come up with the $$ if H's mortgage falls through or doesn't close in time. So, we're going to write the offer tonight. X your fingers for me - I REALLY want that house!!!!!!

WELL I DID IT! I BOUGHT A HOUSE TONIGHT!!!! And I'm EXCITED!

There were a million things that could have gone wrong with the deal, and there was another offer on the table before me besides. BUT they liked my offer better, and I have a verbal acceptance tonight. Papers are not signed yet, but the owners have agreed to everything which is a good sign. They will be putting in a fence for my dogs and getting neighbor signatures that it is ok for me to have 3 dogs there. I wish that wasn't necessary, but that's the law in that town.

We are closing in a month. So, H better get his mortgage closed in time and get me my $$. If he doesn't I'm going to liquidate my IRA. I AM going to close on this house. Millions of things to do now - not the least of which is not lose the job I've only been on 3 months with all the running around and moving hassles I'm facing. Don't be surprised if you all don't hear much from me in the next month. I'm going to be BUSY.

The house is great! It is probably bigger than this one - has 4 BR's, a yard that is 80 x 200 - perfect for the dogs and my agility hobby. All new appliances and exterior doors, paint, etc. Has a fireplace too - and a nice deck. Big attached 2-car garage too. It is 6 miles from work. I'd hoped for closer, but it sure beats the 15+ I have now that requires crossing the river. The new place has several routes I can take, whereas here there really is only one and it often takes up to 45 minutes each way.

This is the best I've felt in weeks!

DV....I can totally relate to where you are at. My WH sat down with our mediator to discuss the divorce I do not want....I'll be sitting down with her next week. I am now in Plan B which WH is seemingly more receptive to go figure. Part of being in Plan B for me is moving forward with my life and part of what my goals were (originally with WH of course) was to invest in a home rather than renting so.....my friend and I are going in together to purchase a home (probably a condo here in Cali) in the next few months. I figure if WH does change his mind about the divorce, he could always join in BUT if he doesn't, then I have done something for myself, something that will help me to continue moving forward with my life.

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: STB 31 WH
Married: 6/17/2004, together 5 years
His Affair: 4 months Fall 03, ended 1/04; another affair with unknown timeline in the making.
D-Day: May 22, 2004; WH immediately left without allowing me to respond or even giving our marriage a worthy shot. I was in Plan A until the end of Oct when WH told me about filing...now in Plan B till the end.

OK - what gives? Last night I was EXCITED about my new house, and now I feel like I'm banishing myself to the hinterlands. (I still like the house). It happened SO fast - less than a week after I first considered buying instead of renting - and now trying to close in a month besides? I have so much to do, and so little time to contemplate what I'm doing.

This is REALLY it - I'm REALLY moving out and my M REALLY is finished. Reality rears its ugly head. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE. I can't believe my M is over - back to the denial phase, just when I thought I was past that, past the anger, and into the acceptance phase. Does it ever end?

This morning I told H I didn't think he met my qualifications for a "friend" - this was after he said he wanted to be friends and that he has "different requirements" for friends than for "intimate partners". I found this offensive for some reason... sometimes I have irrational reactions to things that leave me totally frustrated.

WILL it ever get better? When I'm gone, will this pain end, or will it only get worse? Do I spend time alone dealing with it, or find diversions? I'm at these decision points now and don't know which way to turn.

Does anyone else dread Christmas like I do? I'll be moving out the weekend before Christmas...

DV,

Wow that's certainly fast.....I'm having the same felling as you. Although I have to wait until Monday to get the green light from my lawyer before I could even tell the agent to write up the contract. I'm also hoping to move before Christmas, but for a different reason. It didn't take me long either to go from renting to buying. I wonder if we should slow down and think of the consequences(spelling?). I guess, I will leave it up to God and my lawyer to stop me from doing it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I really do love the house that I'm considering. It is a red brick house in a neighborhood that I have always dream on living in. I've always wanted a stately looking brick house......

Jim

I don't know the answer to your question. I too have (or maybe still am) asked this question. I had many strikes against me on this house. I also had a strong sense of timing, beginning with waking up in the AM and feeling strongly that I had to call the realtors right away and tell them I wanted the house. Then, there was already an offer on the table, AND I had 3 contingencies, including asking them to vacate right away when the house they are building won't be done until Feb. I went into it thinking if it was meant to be, it would happen and if not, not. But they said yes. Still just a verbal - but I'm taking this to mean it was the right thing to do.

Now, panic sets in. But maybe that's just a divorcing person's version of "buyer's remorse."

In the last couple of days, my H has said a couple of things that might shed light on where he is at. He said (and then later retracted) that he had chosen loneliness over a painful relationship. (He retracted the "painful" part). He said I didn't appreciate him and that was part of it, but apparently not all of it. I admitted I hadn't always appreciated him, and he said I never told him when I did.

The other thing he said is this is the right decision for him for the space he's in right now. But also said he was trying to walk a fine line between not wanting to give me false hope and not wanting to kick me when I'm down. So I don't know if that means he might want to work things out if he was in a different space, or just that he's not in a space anymore where he wants to be with me.

He also said he's seeing an IC and it is helping. He asked if I'm still seeing mine, and I said no, that it was starting to be detrimental. But I didn't want to say why - the real reason is my IC doesn't like my H and is telling me what is wrong with him. She does not think we should stay together, and I don't want to work with someone who is not open minded about it right now.

I'm still having buyer's remorse about my house. It's good that I like the house, or I might feel like I'd been pushed into something too fast. But, it has made our split more real, and this is VERY painful. I still really don't want to lose my H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he doesn't I'm going to liquidate my IRA. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOT A SMART IDEA.

if you do you have taxes and a 10% penalty to pay. . . so you only get to keep about 50% of what you withdraw. . .

NOT A SMART IDEA

wiftty