I am wondering if there are some characteristics that make a person more likely to cheat. Obviously if they have cheated on their last spouse, it's a very bad sign, but are there more subtle indicators? An awful lot of the betrayers seem to be conflict avoiders. I never realized how much of a conflict avoider my H was, because he didn't hesistate to display his anger toward me, but apparently I was not allowed to get angry him. I guess the tendency to get mad at other people when life was not going well was another sign, as was his inability to see multiple alternative solutions - he often said that he "had" to do such and such, with the only other alternative that he could see being something totally unacceptable. But he was such an involved father when the older kids were little, I had no idea that he would ever be as withdrawn from them as his father apparently was from him. He reminds me so much of his father now, who is chronically cranky and seems to never have had more than a superficial relationship with his kids. My H was so hurt by his father's extremely negative reaction to his going into business for himself, but he never mentioned it to him. I don't think he has ever had an argument with his parents - is this normal? I argued with my parents frequently, and spent hours debating politics and religion with my father, and our kids certainly don't hesitate to argue with me. I'm rambling here...

Nellie, I just had to respond to your post. You could have written a discription of my h.He,too, is a conflict avoider. He has been agonizing for a year over this relationship with the ow. He didn't tell me till a month ago. He also loses his temper with me when ever I do something wrong. Yet he will never see things from another point of veiw. I believe he is very self-absorbed. Also, His father never complimented him or thought his ideas had any validity. This of course really has bothered him. I don't know if these are predictors of infidelity , but it is interesting that our husbands are so much alike.

Nellie and Noel -<BR>This phenomenon is not a male-only domain. My W is a conflict avoider, however she readily admits this and says it's my fault. The only problem with this is that she also does it with the rest of her family and has at least as long as I have known her.<P>Her parents divorced when she was young and her mother was stressed and had problems of her own which made her very intolerant. The father started a new life with a new wife. When W had problems at home(with mother) she was always sent to live with Dad. She developed a deep relationship with step-mom only to have S-M reject her completely once her own child was born. W was misunderstood as a child, seen as a troubled, trouble-maker when all she really needed was attention from the right person. Much of this carried forth into her adult life. She learned to cope as a child by withdrawing and avoiding any conflict.<P><Rant mode on>Her therapist started down this road with her and I had much hope that some of the problems in the marriage she attributed to me would actually be realized as outgrowths from her childhood treatment as I believe them to be. However, the therapist soon changed course and started agreeing with my wife that I was the problem, even hinting that I was an emotional and psychological abuser. All of this without ever talking to me.<P>Unfortunately, once on this path, the therapist has never strayed and my lot just gets worse and worse. She still hasn't asked to talk to me and is driving W to OM. W has even told OM that the therapist is "sure on your side in this".<P>Anyway, <rant mode off> I think that the two of you are really on to something. I don't think that this type of treatment by parents is necessarily a certain predictor of infidelity, but based on my experience plus the stories you both have told, it sure must be taken into account.<P>I would like to learn how to "cure" a conflict avoider. I know that sometimes conflict is negative and damaging, but if handled correctly, I believe it is a necessary part of any relationship whether spousal, lover or just friend.

I have learned several things from this experience, none of them good:<BR>1) you should never marry someone who avoids talking about difficult issues<BR>2) it is not safe to ever display anger to your spouse, no matter how much anger they display to you<BR>3) you should never ask you spouse to do anything for you, or they will resent it later, no matter how willing they seem at the time<BR>4) if your spouse's life is not going well, and they seem irritable, you should assume that they are blaming it on you, no matter what they say to the contrary<BR>

From the descriptions of childhood - to the description of "no conflict resolution skills" - I have hereby diagnosed my husband as a classic case of conflict avoider syndrome. Big Big Big Time.<P>Thanks Nellie for the thread.

Nellie1,<BR> My W was a classic conflict avoider.She always said"Don't sweat the small stuff",and "It's not worth arguing about".Then look what happened.Why can't people just come out and say they're unhappy instead of putting up a false front?Your 4 rules are a little over the top,but I know why you feel this way.My W turned everything around and used it against me,too.It's like she could dish it out in our marriage,but she could'nt take it.I like your idea of who not to marry,because I've read that some people just don't do marriage well.On top of not marrying a conflict avoider,here's a few more.<BR> 1.Don't marry someone who needs to be the center of attention.<BR> 2.Don't marry someone who's too independant to really need anybody else.<BR> 3.Don't marry someone who puts their own family before their marriage.<BR> 4.Don't marry someone who's histrionic-that is,a drama queen(or king),overly flirtatious.<BR> 5.Opposites may attract,but can't always live together.<BR> 6.Don't marry someone who's overly jealous, angry,egotistical,psychotic,abusive,or just got out of prison. <BR>Did I leave anything out,or is there really anybody out there worth marrying?(just joking,I hope.) --Murph

I think I must agree with you, Nellie. In fact, I was thinking in posting my thought whether a betrayer has always been a conflict avoider?<P>My H was a BIG conflict avoider. He tried so hard to please everybody else although that would mean upsetting me because he thought that I would be by his side nomatter what.<P>Anyhow, he is getting better now. He just turned down her mother request to live side by side with the rest of his siblings. I know how difficult it was for him as he is the youngest son and really close to his mother. Furthermore, MIL is a very lovely person as well but having his sisters and brothers as our neighbour might be a little bit suffocated. I was so glad when he told me that he had turned down his mother wish.<P>He is now more open in discussing his negative feelings although I really have to bite my tongue to make him feel secure in discussing things with me. I tried so hard to stay calm and sweet nomatter how hard it seemed to pull things out of his chest. I kept on telling him that to have a healthy relationship meaning to have an open and honest discussion about things that disturbed us.<P>Phiew...I am glad that I do have impact on him. <P>Saskia

My H is a huge conflict avoider (funny how I never heard of that word until I found this site, and its used constantly here!). <P>But anyway, in our marriage, I am the one who is always trying to get closer, talk about our pasts to get to know one another, work through conflict by talking it through, etc.. My H avoids this like the plague. And I am the Betrayer here. <P>It can't be true that all betrayers are conflict avoiders. But maybe, its true that in all marriages where there is an affair, one partner is a conflict avoider.

Well, I'd like to add that the likelihood of someone who had an affair being a conflict avoider is very high, but the likelihood of someone who had an affair being married to a conflict avoider is also very high. My H is as classic a conflict avoider as they come, and he had an affair. I, on the other hand, am a direct opposite to a conflict avoider, and I had an affair. But that conflict avoidance invaded and infected our marriage and ability to communicate with each other immensely. <P>I already am pretty familiar with Nellie's dilemma, and I read through the available profiles of those of you on this thread, and I think it's important to not that several of you have spouses who are still involved with the OP. I feel this is profound because I think that also plays a significant part in your perception of a person who has an affair. I mean, look at Sherrilyn's H. Did you read the beautiful words he spoke to his wife? And yet, he is a betrayer. He, like myself, and many other betrayers ended our affairs immediately, without hesitation. I would have sooner killed myself than to put my H through what some of you are being put through. And yet, I am a betrayer.<P>So, to answer your question, "are there some characteristics that make a person more likely to cheat?" My answer would be, maybe. But those characteristics are going to be wide and varied. I think if we follow what the good Dr. Harley tells us, it is characteristics of the marriage that can make a spouse more likely to cheat. Add together little or no communication, little or no openness and honesty, little or no emotional intimacy, not spending enough quality time together, not fulfillling each other's emotional needs and the sum will be a marriage where either spouse is vulnerable to an affair.<P>I think it's more a matter of prevention and attention rather than prediction. Unless we are Kreskin, we can't predict anything, but once we are armed with knowledge and good marital skills, we do have the ability to prevent these things that can wreak havok on a marriage.<P>If I had known then what I know now, how different things would have been. But, as they say, you live and learn.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

OMG Tamis!!! GMTA!!!

This is weird, I am the one who is the conflict avoider in our relationship. I was abused as a child and thought myself (at that time) unworthy of confrontation.. He went to someone who enjoys making and working on conflicts, like himself. I guess I am the abnormal one!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Chick's,<P>No, you're not abnormal at all. As you can see, like your H, both Tamis and I are married to conflict avoiders. Speaking for myself, I became attached to the OM more on a level of having someone to share my feelings with, and who would share his with me, more than anything else. Things just ballooned from there.<P>So, you're not abnormal. In fact, you're situation is probably pretty common.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.