My ex has been emailing me about bringing the kids over to open Christmas presents. Since a few weeks ago when he punched my husband and we had to call the sheriff, and since he is supposed to go to counseling and have supervised visits, but hasn't, I just don't feel comfortable with this.

He keeps trying to guilt me by saying "you don't want to ruin Christmas for them AGAIN this year, do you?". Altho I don't think they had an unhappy Christmas last year, nor will they this year.

I'm also concerned about his choice of gifts. Last year he gave them a PS2 game called "Mother Trucker's" that's full of violence, sex, and words we don't use. He knows better.

Any suggestions on how to respond?

ARE YOU KIDDING????

JUST SAY "NO" !!!!!

(Get a clue!)

LOL, Baba, welcome back. It seems so easy from the outside, that's exactly what I'd tell someone else. No, I'm not going to bring the kids to his place....but what do I do about the presents he's bought them? Tell him they can't have them at all? Tell him to leave them somewhere? I can understand that he wants to see his kids open their presents, what parent wouldn't?

Oh why can't he just make this simple?!!

Okay, I'm one to talk here. I let my STBX walk all over me. I'm not sure if I can actually say the word "No" more than once a week to him.

However, maybe you could forget about what he wants and think about what the kids want and what you want.

As for the presents... maybe you can remind the children about your rules and suggest that they either trade in inapproapriate presents or give them away to the less fortunate.

Is there somewhere neutral that you and the kids could meet up with him?

perhaps you should help your kids with a Xmas list to give him. I know it always sucks when you get everything on your list and no surprises, but what good are surprises when you won't let them have them.

Just make sure that whatever you do, it comes from the kids. I know that if my X were to tell me what was appropriate and what wasn't, I would get pretty pissed. If my kids said "Daddy, this is what I would really like for XMas" how could I say no

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

The kids did give him a list and he already has their presents. I usually do trade them for inappropriate presents....altho they are so bad I can't give them to someone else, I just throw them. He pays no attention to the kids ages and gets the R rated stuff anyway. He gets what HE likes....since everything is about HIM anyway.

The kids want to go to dad's for Christmas, they don't see the mind games he plays; although they were very upset when he hit their stepdad...but their solution is just that stepdad not be there. And I don't feel comfortable alone with my ex.

annasnewlife,

--I usually do trade them for inappropriate presents....altho they are so bad I can't give them to someone else, I just throw them. He pays no attention to the kids ages and gets the R rated stuff anyway.--

TR--Don't trash them--take them back to the store and trade them for something else--if someone else wants to buy them fine--but most of those games are $50 each--you could take them back and either get other games or get clothes or shoes---

You 'ruined' Christmas? Is he for real??!!
He needs to realize that HE is the one who ruined CHristmas - not you. And his choice on 'games' - sounds like he never grew up, that or he's going thru a SECOND Childhood..
"Just Say No"
Ronald Reagan's War On Drugs, 1980s...
It'll work for you too - just tell him no way Jose!
JMHO,
SDLOTR
O and while we're on this subject..
Lord! I could NOT imagine Christmas with my Ex - ha! Not in my wildest NIGHTMARES.
I hope and pray I never have to endure that. I sympathize with you. And that punching your husband out - what about a RESTRAINING ORDER for that one?

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: Sauron The Dark Lord ]</small>

I would've taken the game back.....but where on earth do you BUY a game called "Mother Trucker's"? With ugly men and mostly naked women on the cover? I'd be embarassed to be seen with it.

As to the restraining order, I had one against him for 2 years, and he didn't learn. THey are a pain in the neck as far as communication about the children, so I'd rather not...but it may come to that. Ironically, my husband is a former pro wrestler and a blacksmith; had he not restrained himself he would have pulverized my 170 lb ex.

I'd really rather the kids didn't see him at all, but he IS the kids dad and they love him....and the court says I can't unreasonably with-hold visits. Unfortunately, they don't give guidelines on dealing with someone whose mind games are mind games.....

If you had a restraining order against your EX, and it did not "work", then it seems that HE was not the one that did not learn, instead it was YOU who did not stick to the boundaries. You must have let him back into your lives. Do you feel mentally weak?

STICK NOW to the court imposed boundaries forcing every single visit (including Christmas) with the Dad to be supervised. Make the chaperone to be a man, one he does not like. This way, it will be too much trouble for him to harrass and manipulate the children while seeing them.

If you do not stick with the boundaries the court imposed, not only will he run right over your boundaries again as he has in the past, but YOU are teaching your EX you really have no boundaries, and YOU will be responsible for any fallout with the kids.

Why do you have such trouble sticking with the boundary of having supervised visits only? This is very important. They can open gifts with the third party there. Why you don't petition the court to end the relationship with the molestor is beyond me. Do the kids know he is a child molestor yet? Why do you play with the molestor and continue to let him have unsupervised visits?

You met this molestor, married him, and created children with him. Now please, please, please save the kids from him. Kids are not old enough to know that "child molestors" are bad for them. Even if one happens to be thier own father. YOU have to take control here.

I am risking my mental health to post to you as your situation really frustrates and stresses me out. I figure you will not listen but at least I can fight for your precious kids one more time.

I suggest you give yourself and your precious children a REAL PERMANENT Christmas present. Contact an attorney and ask him this question. Ask how much relationship you really need with your dirtbag ex (I only say this because he is a child molestor). How and who can supervise the visits. Get it before a judge if you have to.

THEN, STICK WITH THE PLAN THE ATTORNEY GIVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT THE KIDS OR YOUR EX SAYS. BE STRONG.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 01:44 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Sounds like baba2 is on target. Hmm. Your current husband is a ex wrestler - that is good. It also is good that he shows great self-control in not smashing your ex's face in. (I know sometimes I've felt like hitting something coz of frustration at my ex)
Mother Truckers. Sounds like a redneck/hillbilly sexual college kids never grew up game. No wonder you'd be embarrassed to be seen with it.
After nearly 7 years, I'm finally able to communicate with my 2 sons - their Mother kept them from me in every way and I did not want to fight her in the courts over it.
Today - they severely RESENT what she did to them. They have contacted me coz they are now of Legal Age and they finally saw how their Mother manipulated and lied to them and they are furious at her for it. Soon, your dear children will see the light. Let's just hope it does not take them 6 years to do so. And.. WHEN they do not want to see him anymore - o well! It'll be on HIM, and NOT you.
Stay strong and do what you can for your dear children and yourself.
God bless you!
SDLOTR

Anna, it takes alot to get BABA upset, and you did it.
We all want to do the right thing for our children, but you are walking a fine line here.
Is it in their best interest to spend time alone with their father - NO.
Is it safe for your and your H to spend time together with everyone - NO
Where is there a safe place to allow the kids time with dad for Christmas - a relative's house with trusting supervisors.
Good Luck.

If it is not safe for your kids to be alone with his dad - why do you have a dilemma at all?

If it is... - You have no control over his behavior during his visitation time, nor over his 'raising children methods', although you (probably) don't agree with his way, right?

The same/similar with his gifts... I don't see any right in throwing them away or trading... They are gifts to your kids from their DAD.
Your kids can do that instead, they'd have the right.

What is your right is to say NO to use/play with the gifts in your home, and leave those gifts at your x's home!

Hope your influence on your kids is stronger than his...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> If you had a restraining order against your EX, and it did not "work", then it seems that HE was not the one that did not learn, instead it was YOU who did not stick to the boundaries. You must have let him back into your lives. Do you feel mentally weak?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baba, I could only get a restraining order for 1 year at a time, and each time had to prove he was a threat to myself. I got one the second year because he had threatened me during the first year I had one. Right now I can't get one against him unless I can actually prove he's a threat to my life right now. It's not that easy to get a long term restraining order, and he has not threatened me in the past year. However, he still didn't learn to "play nice", but mind games don't count.

As to the supervised visits; the nearest place to find someone qualified to supervise is 3 hours away; making it very difficult. While the court makes the judgements; they do nothing afterwards to help you follow them or to enforce them. My attorney costs $140 an hour, so I prefer not to spend alot of time asking her for advice; this is why I'm trying to go it alone and muddle thru this.

Yes, I've explained to the children about the molestation in my ex's past; but as my oldest boy said "he's never done that to ME, mom." All they see is that suddenly one day I took them and left their dad and now they hardly ever get to see him. I hope some day they see that I was protecting them and that's the reason their dad never hurt them. Remember, while my ex did something horrible in his past, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about our children. Even more, GOD LOVES HIM AS MUCH AS HE LOVES YOU AND ME! While I won't allow him to hurt my children, I do not want to cause more emotional pain to him by refusing to let him see them at all. That's why I can't just write him off altogether; it's just not that black and white.

One more note.....the court REQUIRES me to encourage a positive parental relationship between my ex and the children. One of the problems in our situation is that my ex is NOT a REGISTERED sex offender, due to the fact that his offenses occurred two years before registration was required. Since I found out about it, and told the judge, the judge tried to help me out but there are no real teeth in the divorce decree. The only real thing I could do is go back to court and try to get more concrete and enforceable guidelines put in place; but as my attorney told me, unless and until he actually does something wrong, there's not much I can do.

Hi Anna,

I have written to you before and don't know if you even remember, but my situation is so parallel to yours it is unreal. I have a couple of questions that I would like to discuss with you through email if that is okay? What is your email addy?

If you would rather I will put them on this thread, but would prefer to ask in private. I am experiencing some of the same feelings and behaviors from my H.


JT

Sure! email me at annavon2002@yahoo.com or you can message me on yahoo; my id is annavon2002.