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#780625 12/13/04 11:35 PM
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We have been divorced over a year and he has been out of the house for 2 years now and I just found it under a drawer. Hard core stuff that makes me feel icky...

It makes me wonder about men, makes me wonder about my now boyfriend. Is this something you can talk about to a man?

I don't think I am a prude. But I don't ever want to be with a man who prefers porn over intimacy again.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

#780626 12/14/04 09:14 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It makes me wonder about men, makes me wonder about my now boyfriend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OUCH!

Not all of us men are like that.

DD and I were tearing out an old cieling in our basement and wouldn't you know what fell out right in front of her! She was excited that magazines fell from the cieling. Thankfully, I was able to grab them before she could see what they were.

No they were'nt mine. Must have been there for years before we bought the house.

If this is something that concerns you then, yes, it is something that you can talk about to a man.

Better to talk to him about it than wonder and come to your own conclusions!

WIWH

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

#780627 12/15/04 12:29 AM
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Hi Lora, Sorry to hear about your unpleasant discovery. I say, talk to your boyfriend about it. All men are not like your XWH.

Tonight I ran into a man in the large grocery store in the next town who used to run a small grocery store in the small town where we both live. He approached me to ask how I was doing and to compliment me on being a survivor since he'd heard I was still running our business and was "giving jobs to our [small town] people." Then, out of the blue he said, "I know you were treated badly, but don't think all of us [men] are like that."

Then I ran into a young woman who told me that her friend told her he sees STBXH and MOW all the time because they buy pot from one of his friends. It was one of those unpleasant flashback-type experiences like you finding the porn. I still react, but it's much less intense than it used to be.

When you've been traumatized, as we were, reminders of what we went through still make us react like we're back there again. But we're not and your boyfriend isn't your XWH. Remember, honesty about who you are and how you feel will strengthen your relationship.

#780628 12/15/04 12:47 AM
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Boy, is it just me or do those porn stashes get found at the WORST times??

My exH was a sex-addict. After he moved out, we were packing up to move from our family house to our townhome (where we're living now) and the movers came to move our recliner couch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Out fell a rubber dildo and a gay sex tape! OY!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I was so embarrassed, and the movers just laughed and made funny crude comments. My kids were both disgusted and said stuff like, "Can you believe he left that THERE???" or "We SAT on that couch...ewwwww."

After we were all moved in and settled in our new townhome, the kids and I had a bit of a giggle over it and steamcleaned the couch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It has been my experience that most men are intrigued by the seductive nature of porn. Some allow it to overcome them and make it more important than anything in their life. OTOH, some men have an interest in porn but also have a healthy attitude about sex--you can speak to them and also even make requests about using it or not using it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Lora, your new boyfriend is an entirely different man and person from your ex. Speak to him about how you feel about porn.


CJ

#780629 12/15/04 02:22 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It has been my experience that most men are intrigued by the seductive nature of porn. Some allow it to overcome them and make it more important than anything in their life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a recovering sex addict whose addiction included porn, I would add that for most it isn't a matter of 'allowing' porn to overcome them and 'making' it more important than anything in their life. I don't believe that most (if any) men set out to be overcome by porn and give it that place in their lives nor do they 'allow' it. Rather, as with myself, it begins with curiosity and finding that porn (and usually it DOESN'T start with the hardcore stuff) has an intoxicating effect on us. It is an escape. Without a conscious decision to be overcome by it, we gradually become aware that we have been overcome by it. We are disgusted with ourselves and perhaps rationalize that we can control it. Some of us stop over and over again only to repeatedly find ourselves unable to resist the pull back. Like all addictions, we need stronger and stronger 'doses' (longer times of viewing and often harder and harder core porn) to get the same effect. Mind you, your xh and many other men like him, they are some woman's son and some woman's sister, and some boy's dad, and yes, some woman's husband or xh....they are human beings caught in degradation, making horrible decisions that take them away from those they once loved and those who love them, plunging them deeper and deeper into a darkness of shame and self-loathing that only another hit of porn can seem to temporarily relieve. I realize that it's hard if not impossible for someone who hasn't been there to understand but PLEASE try. Try for your sake, for your children's sake, and yes, even for the sake of your xh. By understand I do not mean excuse or minimize or tolerate. I mean simply remember that he still is a human being; remember that you too have your own struggles (and if you don't think you do, you might consider if self-righteousness is it!); remember the man he once was before this awful sickness overtook him and pray that he might see and act on his need for healing. Perhaps he will not just return to the man he was previously but become a man of stronger character and deeper compassion. Maybe whereas he once used his computer to view images that in his fantasy made him feel desired or even loved, he will become a man who uses his computer to visit the MB site eager to learn how to right his wrongs and love his wife and family.
One more thing: recent statistics show that, at least in terms of internet porn, women's viewing of porn is rising rapidly. And with the double standard of our society, the shame for such women is even worse than for men. That shame is a big part of the toxicity and bondage of porn. If that is not your struggle and you can't even imagine that it could ever be so, be grateful and keep your distance. But if some of these tormented souls make their way to this board, please try to understand and reach out to them with compassion. If you do their coming here could be one of their first steps toward recovery.

#780630 12/15/04 06:21 AM
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Xscoundral..you explanation of sex addiction concurs with the explanation my councelor stated to me in regards to WS...first curiousity..then on to soft porn etc..keeping in mind I am not trying to judge you here and admire your honesty... was wondering if you could answer these questions to help me understand the thought process...how does one recover from this addiction?...I was told there is no cure not like for example alcohol addiction...the only way is for the individual is to seek help...how does one resist the temptation to shall we say slip into that lifestyle again?...and is there a line when crossed that the sex addict nevers returns to the person of self respect again?...what lines would they be?...

#780631 12/15/04 07:56 AM
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New Outlook--There is a book called "Every Man's Battle" that's supposed to be really good--it's about porn addiction--and how to overcome it--

Here are some links that may be helpful to gain more understanding---

http://www.family.org/cforum/fnif/news/a0034603.cfm

http://www.family.org/cforum/fosi/pornography/

http://www.family.org/married/facts/A0030343.cfm

<small>[ December 15, 2004, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

#780632 12/15/04 09:37 AM
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Thanks for the links Thorned Rose

#780633 12/15/04 08:56 PM
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I was thinking maybe no one had any imput on this topic, so was glad to come back and see all your thoughtful replys.

WIWH, thanks for the male viewpoint. I will talk to my boyfriend about it soon as I stop feeling so inadequate and responsible for it.

Letstry, Good to hear from you, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were. I'm sorry you are still having triggers too. I hope we are over them soon! I could not believe how finding that crap set me reeling back to the feelings in the marriage of being not good enough so that he would rather view porn then touch me.

CJ,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I found it the day before his birthday and had the evil thought of shipping it to him for a little gift. I certainly hope I don't find any more.... maybe I should check the couch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Xs,
THanks for your story too. I don't know how I feel about your story. I have no connection to my X so I don't have to make any kind of peace with him about this. Its myself that I have a hard time with, feeling bad that he turned to that and rejected me.

I really think he used porn as an easy release to avoid intimacy with a real person. I hope the reasons I was drawn to a relationship with him are more resolved and I am ready for something better. I will talk to my boyfriend about it as soon as I figure out how and its not so painful to me. Thanks everyone for you imput and helping me clarify my thoughts.

#780634 12/15/04 10:51 PM
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Lora, I definitely empathize since my STBXH is addicted to SO many things, apparently including porn from the paraphrenalia, videos, and stuff downloaded to my computer during the 3 or so weeks he and MOW lived in the house after he kicked me out.

The important thing to remember is that all that stuff you said really is true, it really is HIS problem. He didn't reject you for porn. It's not because you weren't attractive/sexy enough. He's an addict and as XS said, addicts don't choose their addiction, they're overcome by it, but want to think they are in control of it. That's the denial that maintains the addiction. For us CO-whatevers, it's so important to realize we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it since these beliefs contribute to our own denial and make us sick, too. I think sharing your feelings with your BF, regardless of his reaction, will be very healing for you.

#780635 12/15/04 11:26 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will talk to my boyfriend about it soon as I stop feeling so inadequate and responsible for it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no reason for you to feel that way. I've seen my share of porn. Can't say I'm an addict or anything like that, but I never related any of it to W, inadequacies of W or desires from W.

It is doubtfull that any thing related to this in your X's past or even your BF's would even have anything to do with you.

WIWH

#780636 12/16/04 08:58 AM
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Lora,

There are some books out there written by women whose husbands were addicted to porn--and who moved from the Affair of the Mind on to other Affairs--and how these women healed and were able to regain their own self-image--

Coping With Your Husband's Betrayal

Any form of unfaithfulness — an affair, pornography or just uncontrollable lust — threatens a marriage. Filled with stories of women who have survived this intimate issue, this book offers tremendous insight into an all-too-common addiction. Discover how to cope with your anger and shattered self-image to allow the healing process to begin.


An Affair of the Mind
One Woman's Courageous Battle to Salvage Her Family From the Devastation of Pornography

Author Laurie Hall shares her courageous struggle to protect herself and two children from her husband's addiction to pornography. Providing encouragement, insight and a plan of action, An Affair of the Mind proves that yes... there is hope.

#780637 12/16/04 09:30 AM
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Thanks Letstry and WIWH,

You know how intellectually you can know something, but somehow deep down in your core you can not beleive it? I think my issues about being rejected from being adopted, and the affair on top of that make it hard for me to truely accept that it is not somehow all my fault. I am so tired of working on it and feeling like I have made progress, and then something so small and stupid like finding that stuff can set me back to what seems like square one. I was thinking about ending counseling, but maybe I am not yet ready to do that.

Thorned Rose,

Thanks for the book suggestions, I will see if I can find them.

#780638 12/16/04 09:54 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lora:
<strong> We have been divorced over a year and he has been out of the house for 2 years now and I just found it under a drawer. Hard core stuff that makes me feel icky...

It makes me wonder about men, makes me wonder about my now boyfriend. Is this something you can talk about to a man?

I don't think I am a prude. But I don't ever want to be with a man who prefers porn over intimacy again.

Any advice on how to deal with this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STOP THE PRESS!

(1) If I read what you wrote, the porn belonged to your ex-husband and he is no longer part of your life.

(2) You have no indication/evidence that your current boyfiend is using porn, but are concerned because he is a "man".

CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, but most of the replies have jumped to the conclusion that you are confronted with a porn-addicted significant other. This is NOT the case in your situation.

Now, if you want to talk about porn usage with your boyfriend, go right ahead, but if he is loving to you and hasn't shown any interest in the stuff, then you would be bringing this up based on your ex's behavior and not BF's behavior.

Food for thought.

#780639 12/16/04 10:21 AM
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QG,

Yes, this is true. But I have never talked to him about porn, I don't know what his attitude is towards it, and if you can't talk about it while dating, my experiance tells me it only gets harder to talk about.

I hope to just open the discussion and express my feelings not accuse him of being like my X. Negotiating a new relationship with old emotional baggage is a tricky thing. What is your opinion? Do you think I should deal with it on my own and not bring it up?

#780640 12/16/04 10:31 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lora:
<strong>I hope to just open the discussion and express my feelings not accuse him of being like my X.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds perfect to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

From all the replies about porn/sex addicts, I was afraid you were going to approach him like he was already guilty of something! If you approach him like he hasn't done anything wrong and you want to know his view on it, I think the conversion will go very well.

Good luck!

#780641 12/16/04 12:43 PM
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Lora,

--You know how intellectually you can know something, but somehow deep down in your core you can not beleive it?

TR-yes, I do know this

--I think my issues about being rejected from being adopted, and the affair on top of that make it hard for me to truely accept that it is not somehow all my fault.

TR--why do you believe that because you were adopted you were rejected?

Putting a child up for adoption takes a lot of courage--a lot more than having an abortion--

Adoption tells me that they loved YOU more than you could ever imagine--as it was acknowledged they didn't think they could provide for you the home they knew YOU deserved--and felt someone else could provide better than they could--

It was more about their own belief that their circumstances could change--and not necessarily about NOT wanting you--but more about wanting BETTER for you--

And your ex-h's porn issues are about him--and his inability to really open up to someone else on an emotional level--which again, have nothing to do with you--but are more about his own inner self-esteem issues--and how he feels about himself--like maybe HE isn't worthy of an emotionally intimate relationship--

You aren't defined by how other people treat you--

What defines you--is who you are as an entire person--not pieces of you--Your intelligence doesn't define your entirety, your body doesn't even define who you are--even your personality doesn't completely define who you are--it's all of those things combined--

Do you know that the Bible tells us that God knew you even before you were born?? Jeremiah 1:4-5,
He even knows how many hairs are on your head, and your more precious to God than even the sparrows
according to Matthew 10:29-31, Did you know God chose you before He even planned Creation? Eph. 1:11-12; that you were NOT a mistake--Psalm 139:15-16; He even determined when you would be born according to Acts 17:26; And you were knit together by God and you were fearfully and wonderfully made according to Psalm 139:13-14;
And God even brought you forth on the day you were born according to Psalm 71:6;

Did you know it's Gods desire to lavish you with His love according to 1 John 3:1; and that His plan for your future has always been filled with
hope according to Jeremiah 31:3--

And the Bible tells us so many other wonderful things like that about the Creator of the Universe
and how He feels about us--that it really shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks--

#780642 12/16/04 07:49 PM
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New Outlook and all here,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> was wondering if you could answer these questions to help me understand the thought process...how does one recover from this addiction?...I was told there is no cure not like for example alcohol addiction...the only way is for the individual is to seek help...how does one resist the temptation to shall we say slip into that lifestyle again?...and is there a line when crossed that the sex addict nevers returns to the person of self respect again?...what lines would they be?...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all let me say to all here who may be suffering from wounds inflicted by the sexual/porn addiction of their partners...I'm sorry. I'm not only sorry for your pain but I speak from my heart as one who has inflicted those same wounds on my wife and children. It is a horrible thing....my addiction cost me my job and it is a significant factor in my impending divorce. Devastating just doesn't seem to be an adequate enough word to describe how my life has been (and continues to be) impacted by my addiction and my choices.

You ask the kinds of questions that most people who love addicts ask. They are important questions but the answers are not easy. Actually there is no such thing as a 'once-and-for-all' cure for ANY addiction: alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, overeating, work, etc.... That doesn't mean that people can't stop or recover but there is a difference between stop (abstinence) and recovery (which is different from abstinence) and being CURED. Addiction is an incurable disease though there are many who find amazing recovery and wholeness from their disease. But the MOST recovered and whole people would not say they are cured. Saying or thinking that is actually a symptom of the activity of the disease, specifically the activity called DENIAL. Any addict, no matter how long in sobriety, can 'relapse' and go back into acting out of their disease. While this may seem like incredibly bad news, addicts in active recovery know that there is a good side to this. As the SA White Book says </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for--the loving God who is our refuge and our strength. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So how does one enter into active recovery? Way too much to say here but I would particularly emphasize that recovery is a spiritual process that one cannot do alone. We need others who understand and struggle with the same addiction. Typically people don't take this step until they hit a 'bottom' of some sort. Consider the following quotes (also from SA White Book)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One stage at a time, I had been seducing and victimizing myself into a great lie: The Wages of Lust Is Life. I had never come to terms with the true nature of my problem: The wages of lust is death. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Denial becomes woven into the fabric of our being. By refusing to listen to that still small voice within, we begin by denying we are hurting ourselves. For this lie to persist, denial must pervert the reality of ourselves and others and turns into blindness. We become unwilling and finally unable to see the truth about ourselves. Finally, our addiction takes priority over everything else, and our ability to work, live in the real world, and relate comfortably with others suffers accordingly. In advanced stages, sexaholic practice becomes our main coping mechanism and only source of pleasure. Then it no longer helps us cope and begins causing new problems that must be coped with. In this vicious cycle, what was used as the cure becomes the sickness; what was used as the medicine becomes the poison; the Answer becomes the Problem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we must differentiate between the physical action and the spiritual action (attitude) taking place at the same time in the same individual. Because he lives inside his attitudes, the individual doesn’t see them; he sees only the physical activity and thinks he’s feeling guilty for that. It is truly puzzling to him. Hence the confusion on the proper motivation for wanting to stop any given addiction. When we look only at the activity itself, most of us find no sufficient motive to stop, but if we can see its spiritual consequences, this can help us despair of it sooner and surrender. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sexual addiction can be more difficult than other addictions because 'we carry our supply with us.' What that means is that it is not only viewing porn or having affairs that constitutes our addiction, but on a more basic level it is lust. And many of us found that we had 'porn shops' in our minds. There is also a physical component in sexual addiction in that the chemicals stimulated in the brain by sexual activity are the same as those stimulated by morphine! Further, sexual addiction, like addiction to food, is something that we also have a healthy need for and it can be very difficult to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy sexual activity even with our spouses.

I know that may sound very discouraging but recovery is possible and, I believe, enriches life in ways that go beyond what seems to go with recovery from other addictions. People in active sexual addiction recovery don't just overcome the temptation to act out (affairs, porn, etc...) but learn also how to overcome objectifying women and themselves, how to recognize flights into fantasy and intrigue and how to stay in reality. They work a spiritual program of recovery that requires them to face their defects, seek God to remove them, and right their wrongs.

Is there a line that addicts can cross where they are hopeless? Actually that line is when the addiction becomes active in our lives. Every addict is hopeless to recover on his own. It always takes a miracle (actually numerous miracles) for any addict to recover. But recovery is a spiritual program in which miracles regulary occur. What we may see as the line of no return may be the bottom the addict needs to hit to jolt them out of their denial and seek help.

A couple of other things I would add to this very long post (I do hope it has been helpful to those whose lives have been affected by sexual addiction in one way or another). There is already great advice on this site about ways for husbands and wives to hold each other accountable for where they are at and what they are doing all the time. Secondly, what sexual addiction tends to do to the spouses of the addicts (besides inflict enormous pain) is it brings out that spouses own issues or illness. This is a very delicate thing to talk about. I do not mean in any way to imply that the spouse is responsible for the addict's struggle. In fact one of the prominent ways that the spouse's own issues or illness is manifested is that they feel like they are responsible and like they must thus control the addict. That has the opposite effect of pushing the addict deeper into his/her addiction. It is a SCAREY thing to be married to an addict. Unless the spouse faces their fears and finds help to overcome them, the spouse will be tormented and the relationship doomed. At this point, that's where my wife is. I am still praying for a miracle but also trying to prepare myself for walking through the devastation of divorce without resorting to my 'drug' but rather somehow finding even more healing and recovery as I face my pain.

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QG,
OK, I'll try not to accuse the poor guy based on my X. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TR,
Well, thats the happy adoption story isn't it? I spent so long feeling guilty that I could never quite buy it and had to deny my real feelings and couriosity. I was born before abortion was possible in a home for unwed mothers to a 16 year old. Even now nearly 50 years later,she seems to have a hard time accepting that I exist and I feel like she is ashamed of herself for being weak. I see that that is her issue, and its funny that she sent me the same bible quote as your first one. I think she is having a hard time forgiving herself.

XS, well, the affair certainly brough out all my issues and I worked to heal somwhat from them. I guess I can see where addiction might too. I guess that was a whole area that we ignored in our marriage, although it got much worse once he began the affair.

#780644 12/17/04 12:43 AM
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Lora,

Well, thats the happy adoption story isn't it?

TR--Honestly, No, it's not the happy adoption story--why? because any woman who gives her child up for whatever reason was/is hurting on the inside--hurting because they can't afford to keep their child for whatever reasons--be it mentally,
financially, or emotionally--

However, the happy part is that SOMEONE did choose to adopt the child--someone chose to take that child in and love it as their own--


--I spent so long feeling guilty that I could never quite buy it and had to deny my real feelings and couriosity.

TR--Why did you have to deny your feelings?? they were yours to feel--just as they are now--no reason to deny them--

--Even now nearly 50 years later,she seems to have a hard time accepting that I exist and I feel like she is ashamed of herself for being weak.

TR--And she might feel ashamed of herself for being weak--but I also think she carries a burden of guilt--that she gave you up--that she got pregnant to begin with out of wedlock--that she believed the lies of some boy--and she probably feel's dirty inside as well--and seeing or hearing from you probably makes those feelings come to the surface even more---

--I see that that is her issue, and its funny that she sent me the same bible quote as your first one.

TR--And your right--it is her issue--one she has to live with--but it's also YOUR issue as you often feel rejected because of her choice--good or bad--one you could help her with if you choose to do so--

--I think she is having a hard time forgiving herself.--

TR--I imagine she is--for many reasons--one in that you feel rejected by her--and because of what she feels about herself on the inside party because of the choice she made--and the choices she made after that---but I'm curious--have you forgiven her? Have you shared with her how blest you were to grow up in the home you did?? (If it was truly a blessing??) and I imagine 50 years ago
it was the best possible choice at the time for a 16 year old girl--

I imagine 50 years ago her family probably disowned her and sent her to the unwed mothers home for putting a black mark on the family name
as teenagers back then didn't have the support of their families the way so many do today--it's not looked upon in the same way--it doesn't tarnish the family name like it did then--teenage girls don't get the same reputation today they had 50 years ago for getting pregnant out of wedlock--

So yeah, I imagine she probably does feel ashamed
and is having a tough time forgiving herself, and possibly a difficult time accepting God's forgiveness as well--even though she may know God forgives her on one level--I wonder by what you said if she really FEELS forgiven---

So really, the only happy part of any adoption is the fact that another family willingly takes them in to love them--and raise them as their own---

You know, my husband was actually rejected by his birth mother--he was born 3 months pre-mature in the 1950's--his parents were married, still are for that matter--they had other kids--but she literally left him to die--while the rest of the family moved away--it was by the grace of God that her sister went to check on things and found him
in a dresser drawer and took him home with her--
she cared for him, fed him and loved him--all the while expecting him to die--but hoping he wouldn't
as she couldn't have children--they didn't adopt him until he was a teenager--all the while knowing her sister and her husband could come in and take him away--he grew up knowing his mother was his aunt and his aunt was his mother--but the woman who raised him loved him--and wanted him--

It wasn't a good situation--but it worked out for the best--as he wouldn't be the man he is today had his natural parents actually tried to raise him--I doubt he would be alive today had that been the choice--as they were so messed up emotionally
and she couldn't have cared for him the way her sister did--

His natural mother sent him a letter when he was teenager asking if he wanted to come live with them--he said NO--she has her regrets even now
because of her choices--but like your birth mother
she has to live with them--and has a hard time forgiving herself--

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