Last week I told my ex absolutely NO unsupervised visits since he hasn't gone to counseling at all that I know of since the divorce. He called last night and was his charming Dr. Jekyll self; trying to convince me to bring the kids out to his place to open the $600 in presents he got them; telling me I could supervise, telling me how much he had wanted our marriage to work, how I needed to do this "for the kids".......uggghhh! He knows how to push every button....the kids button, the guilt button, the i wish it had worked button.....but I KNOW it's all a lie to get me to do what he wants. On the phone I finally said I'd think about it; and then talked my husband who said absolutely no way was I going and my ex could just find a way to set up a supervised visit or sit on the presents. (Baba would like my husband.)

So I emailed the ex and told him until I heard otherwise from my lawyer, no unsupervised visits and I wasn't bringing the kids to his house alone. I haven't heard from him yet; but I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop now; I'm sure his reaction will be volatile.

The kids keep asking when they'll see dad for Christmas.....what do I tell them?

I agree with your H that the supervisor shouldn't be you.

Who is supposed to arrange for a supervisor, you or him?

Can your H do it? Or do it with you? (I'll bet he would rather find a suitable supervisor himself.)

Do you have a friend or relative who would/could do it? (I would have them charge him, payable upfront before kids get out of the car <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

How were supervised visitations handled before? Who supervised? Who made the arrangements?

Why were supervised visits not required in October when you posted this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He sees the kids weekly and caught up on back child support, so I guess I can't ask for more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best I can remember, you "invited" him back into their lives once the restraining order elapsed something about the kids needing a relationship with their dad (I agree if it is safe). Just because the restraining order lapsed, didn't mean the supervised visits clause changed.

It appears to me, that this visit thing is changing on a whim (maybe your new husbands). I don't know, but take a strong look at it for yourself.

I am not trying to hurt you, but just want you to look at the big picture. The supervised visit thing is not something to be enforced at your convenience.

The requirement never changed; I just gave in to his constant badgering and sweet talking; as well as feeling bad for the kids wanting to see their dad so much. However, that doesn't mean I did the right thing according to the law. Now I'm trying to do the right thing because I have more support and backbone than I did before.

LovingBoundaries;

We never actually HAD supervised visits, because they are to be arranged with someone who is trained in sexual abuse issues and he never found anyone. That's why I felt so bad for the kids that they hadn't even seen him in over 2 years and finally relented. I know it wasn't right, but he wore me down as he's an expert charmer and con man; and knows how to push my buttons.

Anna, you are doing SO GOOD holding to the supervised visits law. Keep it up NO MATTER WHAT!

There is no reason somebody cannot arrange for a supervised visit. Once your ex knows that you REFUSE TO BEND THE RULES SET DOWN BY THE COURT, he will change and not pressure you guys as much.

But if he knows he can get you to bend and manipulate the family, to do what he wants outside the law, he may "buy the kids gifts" just to be able to "get you to bend the rules" and therefore will do it again and again until the court ordered clause is worthless.

The court ordered supervised visits to protect you and your boys. Please let NOTHING STOP that from being carried out. Tell the EX you have to follow the court ruling. You cannot go round it.

The totally supervised visits are great for many reasons. They prevent any manipulation or abuse from the EX to your kids. They keep the visits short and sweet. The EX has to pay someone to supervise in order to see the boys!!!! They show the EX that you are strong. They keep the visits few and far between since it is better for the kids to break the bond with the bio dad who is a manipulative molestor and will do nothing but create problems in the good life you and your family now have.

Remember, this EX deserves NOTHING after putting you through abuse, sexual abuse, and lying, and all that he did to hurt you and the kids. He deserves death. (in my mind)

But even if you think the EX has changed or is "nice" now, keep with the supervised visits, please! Then, the huge mistake you made marrying and creating children with this molestor will not continue and you can enjoy the rest of your and your kids lives.

Keep him as far away from your lives as you legally can. He is terrible.

Thanks for being strong and protecting the kids.

<small>[ December 19, 2004, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

I am not saying she should not follow the court order. I guess what I am saying is that it SHOULD have been followed all along.

For whatever her reasons, she decided the kids could visit without supervision. Then there is a marriage and even some kind of altercation between the current husband and EX. Then, she can no longer allow unsupervised visits.

Sounds suspect as to if this is really about protecting the kids. You know he might could take her to court and show this and get the order changed based on the fact that she was allowing unsupervised visits for a time.

Have you ever heard that once the cat is out of the bag it is hard to put it back in. You know, that is true. So be very, very careful in what you start because it is hard to stop something once it starts. I lived by this in raising my teenagers and it worked for me. If I wasn't willing for them or comfortable with them doing an event or activity, I didn't let them start it.

Thanks Baba, I am really trying to do this right....it helps alot to have a husband with very firm boundaries who doesn't allow people to play games with him. He's very good for me, as I have to admit that weak boundaries have given me big problems in the past.

It really isn't about changing my mind whichever way the wind blows. For two years I followed the no contact order strictly and called the police when he broke the rules. But when he started to call after it ended, he sounded so remorseful and sweet and sad about the kids.......and the kids WERE missing their dad because they had forgotten the bad parts by then......that I gave in; hoping that he had really changed and altho I would never marry him again, perhaps we could be "friendly". I was wrong, it was the same old con game. ANd when I gave an inch, he took a mile. The incident with my husband was a wake up call; and the sheriff scolded me too (he's a friend, btw). I know it's hard to go back when I've made a mistake, but I immediately wrote my lawyer a letter telling her what happened and about the unsupervised visits, so she's aware of what's happened. If he takes me to court about visitation, I'll just have to deal with it; but the emails he sent about how he won't have supervised visitation or see a "stupid shrink" are pretty incriminating; and the judge knows how manipulitive he is; so I think the judge would scold me and tell me not to allow visits.

My ex is filing bankruptcy now, after selling the house for $40,000 more than he owed on it; so he must be having some big financial troubles; I don't think he'll take me to court right now.

Merry Christmas everyone wanting to share God love for all of us at this time of year! I am sorry for all hurt and pain! It it gets better, better, we are going to make it through!

Want to share God love and care-passing on e-comfort card. Turn up your speakers and feels God love, and comfort just for a moment. WS just can't aways have all the attention.

Blessing!

http://www.angelhugs.net/rose.html

Christ Love
All my love
Sky