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Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 3
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Three weeks ago I discovered my wife was having an affair with someone I know. It was her former boss. The affair began after he got a job somewhere else, but they still communicated professionally and socially. They have been friends as long as we've been married.<P>It began when I stopped meeting my wife's emotional needs and she turned to him for support. He was there to help her through some very difficult times that I missed.<P>I became suspiscious about 3 months ago, some 6 months into the affair. Finally my suspisions led me to snoop in my wife's briefcase. There I found a letter and card written to him that had not been sent and were dated 3 months earlier. That evening, reading my face, she asked me what was wrong. Waiting until our son went to bed I told her of my snooping and she did not deny anything. Obviously, she couldn't.<P>We are moving forward a day at a time. She has told me she wants to stay with me, but that she cannot just cut him from her life. He has always been a mentor and friend and just recently a lover. The affair is over I am confident, but I have apprehensions.<P>One indicator that we are going to make it is our love-making. It has been phenomenal since the second day after the revelation. We are connecting on levels we have not in a long time, and I am paying attention to her as never before.<P>The problem I have now is that, though most would counsel her to cut off contact with him completely I know she won't, and demanding her too will end our marriage. She is expecting an offer for a job with his organization that will advance her career and increase her income by some 20-25K/yr. He would again be her boss, and they would likely spend some evenings together working.<P>I know what this job entails. I am familiar with the kind of work it is and realize that the evenings are necessary though infrequent. Also, she is the primary income in our family, the breadwinner, so to speak. I want her to have the job, but there is a gnawing concern.<P>I have forgiven her for what she has done, and she has forgiven me for my past ignorance of her. We are truly working to keep our marriage alive and I trust her today, but I don't trust human nature or emotions.<P>If there is any advice out there, or if clarification on any details is needed, please post a reply.

Joined: Aug 1999
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Does your wife still have feelings for the OM? I think it may be dangerous for her to keep this job / accept the new one, for the temptation will still be there. You should'nt have to sit at home everynight and worry that something is going on, you may never be able to have peace with that situation. I don't know of a good solution.<BR>She needs to prove herself ( trust ) and I hope that she can do that. I can imagine that no extra amount of money is worth losing your wife over. Good luck, keep posting.<BR>Ian

Joined: Aug 1999
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I agree with Ian

Joined: Sep 1999
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Thanks IOH and CarolG. I realize the danger in her accepting this job. To tell the truth, I don't know what her feelings for the OM are. What I do know is that he is married, I know his wife. As a matter of fact, we all know each other. He has no intention of leaving his wife and mine knows that.<P>I have taken the steps I can to make sure she has no reason to stray again, and she has drawn closer to me than we have been in some time. I really do feel okay about this, though, as one can imagine, there are still concerns.<P>However, one of the things that is known is that the OM's wife is still in the dark. I leave it up to him to tell her. But, if she ever did find out his career would quite possibly be over, and my wife's would for certain. The OM's wife is a mean, vindictive woman who would stop at nothing to see both OM and W destroyed just for the sport.<P>I am hoping that the job is not offered to my W. It would be much easier. But, if it becomes available she has the inside track, and did before the affair. She will have to prove herself to the staff, and continuing the affair would be certain to destroy any chance to advance further or continue at all in her career.<P>From that perspective I feel safe. Nervous and wondering (at least for awhile) but safe.<P>Thanks again.


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