What in the world is wrong with me? After all the hurt and pain this man has caused me and the kids....I still miss him. I miss our family being together...I miss watching the kids grow up, together. I miss him....and I still feel lost. I miss the specialness of our family. I want his love still.

I am dating a wonderful man who shows me what love is every single day. I have the love of my kids, and I have a good-but stressful job...what in the world is wrong with me?

He is married...he has been terribly mean and vindictive to me. We are currently going back to court because of non-payment of child support, medical bills and tuition....I could go on and on. He still has trouble with alcohol, anger and a huge ego.

He was supposed to come and visit the kids this weekend. Ends up, he thought we had a court date....so he canceled the weekend. Just like that---both he and his "wife-bimbo" wrote my son tons of emails that they were coming to see him this weekend--then they cancelled.

I have been struggling financially, helping the kids with their tuition, raising my family. For the past month, I have had to get physical therapy for my neck (discovered I have 2 degenerative discs in my neck--so I am in traction right now.) I also found out that I have high blood pressure--something I have never had before.

I have still lost my "love of life"---and as hard as I try, I can't seem to get it back. I still feel so betrayed, our hopes and dreams for the future are gone, we have lost our retirement house, our extended families, everything just seems to still be tossed up in the air for me. I don't know how to move forward without him in my life.....and I should be moving forward---but I would still love to have my family back together. And I know that is impossible.

I know I have many blessings in my life...but I just can't get over this. WHY????? When I see friends heading for the same direction---I have tried so hard to tell them what it is like. And so far, everyone has gone on and divorced and moved on. Their attitude seems to be that's life.

In church, we have had many sermons on how devastating divorce is and how God hates it--but people seem to do it anyway.

I want to move on and be happy. I am trying my best to raise my kids normally---but this is so hard...and I just feel so hurt still. Why did this happen? I know that God has a plan for me, I know I am a good person, a good parent, I know I was a good wife and a good teacher. Why do I feel that my life has lost its meaning? I wish I could answer my own questions.

I think the hard part about living here is there are too many memories from the whole community. I face our divorce every day at church, at school, on base and at the kids activities. It's hard to look happy and adjusted all the time---when inside, my heart is still bleeding. How do you move on? It will be 4 years since he moved out April 1st.

This summer would have been our 25th aniversary. How did he just walk away like he has. He doesn't seem to have any memories of our life together at all. He really doesn't miss it. He says he misses the kids and has told me numerous times "that he divorced me, not the kids". Nope...he divorced and changed all of our lives.

We have moved forward...but there is still a big hole in our lives. Does that ever change...or am I psychotic?

Sorry for the ramble...most days I function fine. He called this morning to talk to my two younger kids. I miss talking to him...I still love the sound of his voice. I still wish this whole episode was just another nightmare...but I know it isn't.

Is life just survival...trying to make the best out of a bad situation? That is what I feel like now. My heart still hurts. Pat

movinonnmissouri:

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

You are right, of course. God DOES hate divorce, and therefore, we ought to hate it, too.

Partly b/c we are "becoming one....." and then THIS happens. It's as if a part of you is ripped right out of you, part of your heart just ripped to shreds. What God has made, He hates to see man destroy.

However, lots of folks DO "move on." Lots of folks go on to find love again, and live love-filled, happy lives. It sounds like this is what you want to do.

It's also true that whenever you look at your kids,your future; you see the possibilities, the broken dreams, possibilities, etc. for a life together w/your WH that you envisioned when you first M'd. I get that.

However, if you truly want to "move on" now - want to become happy again, and really get on with life (and maybe even explore the possibility of finding love again w/your new man, I have a few suggestions. Please understand, you asked for help, ok? This is only my opinion, ok?

The first thing I notice from your post is that you seem to not be finding any joy in any part of your life. Movinon, this sounds like you are suffering from depression. Big surprise, eh?

Are you currently on A/D? Would you consider getting them from your Dr. for a time? I think it would help your frame of mind right now.

My personal opinion is that this whole experience is always with us, and sometimes as the most inopportune times, the feelings of helplessness and overwhelming sadness can overtake us and depress us. Even when we think we've moved past it and we're "OK" now, I think it can creep back in, and suck us under once again. That seems to be where you are right now. You might just need a little lift to get over this hump.

I'll pray God's blessings and Goodness for you.

God Bless you and Keep You, and Make His Face to shine upon you, my dear friend.

Thanks Lupolady,

I think I am depressed. I will be going back into the doctors next week for therapy and to ck my bloodpressure again. Maybe I will ask them then.

I have just been a blob this weekend. Maybe I just need down time to grieve again.

Just heard that my ex was rehired as a Northwest pilot again...starting in March. That should help with some of the financial problems hopefully.

It will definitely help with his attempt to modidfy his child support payments....and that will help me financially.

This whole thing is just so hard in so many ways. I desparately need a job change...and in fact have to get my masters within 2 years. That is hard to do without finances. I will be teaching for at least another 12 years before I can retire....don't know how much longer I can keep going at the pace I have been the last few years.

I am glad things are working out for you and your husband....

Things would have been so much easier if he hadn't of done this. This was supposed to have been the more relaxing part of our lives---and for me--my life continues as it always has: struggling for money, trying to be the supportive parent, trying to keep the house over our heads, trying to be a good teacher.

My life is not better because of what has happened--just more stress and less support from former family.

I really miss my mom also. At least she was an ear to talk these things over with when I couldn't handle anymore.

Oh well...I had better get some laundry done and bills paid.

Kind of bleak today. Sorry

Pat,

I am sorry that you are feeling down!!!! I think that lupo is right and that getting on an A/D for a while would be of benefit to you!!!

I know that what would have been our 25th is coming up. We had always planned to buy a Mustang and take a road trip, I plan on having alot of fun in my new Mustang, will I be sad? yeah probably some, that he is not with me, but hey his loss!!!!

I know that I am tired of being the mom/dad the parent. It seems that it's me 24/7 he's in Korea and won't be on mid tour til June, not that he was that much help anyways!!! I only have one at home I can't imagine having 2 or 3 at home. But even with the older ones married and on their own I still have to parent them. It's just differently.

It's hard I didn't want this for my life, like you said this was suppose to be the good times. I miss what was my marriage and what could have been, those are things that I will always miss. I just try not to focus on them. We sang a song in church this morning about how God knew your name at different stages in life and one verse is about marriage and then a few verses later it's about getting older. I just started bawling, I didn't think that I would be a single grandma. And that hurts, I am mad at him for doing this to me and my life.

Probably no words of wisdom here tonight or many of encouragement either, just wanted to commeserate with you a little, yes I want my husband and my marriage back, I want to be in life where I had planned to be here, not on this detour!!!!

Take care,
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pat, I really empathize with you. I'm still not Dv'd, even though WH moved in with MOW over 4 years ago and I've been in NC for almost 3 years. We sold our "dream home" this past fall and I'm running our business alone, which, like yours, is also a very stressful job. I'm still sending him a check every two weeks in hopes of someday buying him out. Neither he nor MOW has worked since moving in together.

Like yours, WH has a problem with alcohol and he also has a problem with drugs. He is also mean and vindictive toward me. He accuses me of being the greedy b**ch who is controlling all our money - that's partly true since I've done all I can to protect our assets until the Dv is final, which will ultimately benefit him as well.

Despite not being Dv'd, I, too, am dating a really nice man and feel terrible about dragging him into the middle of this mess - not that there's any problem for him from WH, but that I'm still married and still not over my M emotionally.

Meanwhile, this past June, my stepson, WH's only child, and mine, too (I helped raise him since infancy and I was unable to have children for medical reasons), shot himself to death at the age of 23. He, too, had a problem with alcohol and drugs and was drunk at the time. WH and his exW banned me from the funeral, blaming me for not giving them money to hire stepson a lawyer on probation violation charges two years before his death. WH hadn't spoken to his son and rejected all son's attempts to contact him for the past TWO YEARS! This was devastating to his son.

So, there really is no more family to return to, even if WH got clean and sober and ended R with MOW (I've heard rumors she's pregnant). He's lost his driver's license and his professional license, gained about 100 pounds, and claims to be disabled. I'm missing what once was and the dreams for the future that are gone forever. Like you, the memories now only hurt me instead of forming a shared history.

I am moving on, as it sounds like you are. It's a process. It's hard to just forget your whole life before the age of 50. As lupolady said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even when we think we've moved past it and we're "OK" now, I think it can creep back in, and suck us under once again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Pat,

I'm no oldtimer - particularly to this board. But I was at a movie last night with two girls from my counseling group. They were asking me how I was doing with regards to the pending D, etc. And I answered that I seem to be OK, except during times when I get 'down.' And during those times, it feels as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders - I relive the sadness of the whole situation, relive the loneliness, relive the memories, etc. In essence, it is a trip back to depression-ville.

One of the ladies (who has been D for 4 years now) said to me, "LIT, those feelings never completely go away. There will always be a time when you will feel the sadness and the loneliness. But you will find with time that those feelings usually happen less frequently. Hang in there, and remember that you choose to make your life what it is."

Please don't beat yourself up about "why" you are still feeling these emotions. You feel them because you are human, and you loved your ex very much. And you still love what you believe he could have ultimately been. IMVHO, there is nothing wrong with that. Grief does not disappear just because our S does...or because they treat us poorly...or because the M ends. Grief is just that...a rememberance of things that once were, and might have been.

But as others said, try not to get stuck in this place. Anti-d's are usually a help if you feel that these emotions are beginning to control you. Perhaps even going to a divorce care group for person-to-person support?

You have every right to feel sad (((Pat))). But please try to remember that you deserve to enjoy life. Maybe pick up some hobbies you have wanted to do. Join a club. Take a class. As they say "Fake it till you make it." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And for the others who have 'moved on' faster than you - pay no mind....we all have our own timeline. You will heal when your heart tells you it is time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Many thoughts and prayers your way!

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

Hi MovinOn! I know the feeling - of a past Life gone. Dead. Shattered dreams. Yes it hurts sometimes. My full SigLine kinda sums up how I feel (some of this is taken from the LOTR Books) -
"This World is changed: I feel it in the water, I feel it in the Earth. I smell it in the air.. Much that once was is lost, for few now live who remember it. How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand. There is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep. That have taken hold.. I am wounded, wounded; it will never really heal. It is gone forever, and all sometimes seems dark and empty. The wound aches and the memory of darkness is heavy on me. There is no real going back - it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same. I am wounded with knife, poison, and mind, and a long burden.. ofttimes it almost seems too much to bear.. Where shall I find rest, in Death? Until then - I will live life to the best I can with my Soul-Mate... and then .. on a night of rain, I'll smell a sweet fragrance on the air and hear the sound of singing.. the grey rain-curtain of this Life turns all to silver glass and is rolled back, and I behold white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise.. as I continue walking on the River Of Light.. following in the footsteps of Loved Ones. There, in The Haven Of Rest, I will once again be reunited with those Loved Ones and then, only then, will I have final peace, closure and Healing from the One who created me..."
I put that together in the depths of a depression I was in earlier last year. I love my kids, I love my wife and I sometimes miss what I remember as 'the good times' my former wife and kids, as well as our circle of friends and family once had.. but I do NOT miss the bad times, and believe me, there were far too many of those. My wife now - she was a widow when I met her. She feels the same way - she sometimes misses her former life. Big dreams, a love together, and high hopes - all smashed beyond repair. So she moved on - what other choice is there? I moved on - there was no other SANE choice I could make. You sound like you miss the GOOD TIMES you once had in your former life. You can make it easier on yourself if you remember a ratio: like, what percentage of good times vs. bad times were there? In my particular case, it was something like 95 percent BAD and 5 percent good...
I always try to look for the good in everything, but some things are so lousey that you just have to let it go and move on.
JMHO,
SDLOM

Pat - Sadly you and I are on the same wave length alot... I don't think it is that you want your exhusband back - I think it is that you are hurt -that he just left like he never had anything to begin with - that he just went and started over with someone new like you never existed - like you didn't have feelings - like you didn't matter... ?? And then you have to see the two of them together which just adds insult to injury... I think I like you - mourn the loss of what I thought my life was gonna be with this man - we made a family - we had our whole lives planned - we loved our husbands - than bam - for no reason he changed everything - crushed us and just left us there - like we were nobody and they moved on and are seemingly happy - and while we try and try - it is a daily struggle to move on - to let go - to accept that we to can be happy - without them... And you know the funny thing is that we are probably happier without them - we are just to hurt to accept it - our lives plans have been totally ripped to crap - and our once "easy" if you will lives are now a constantly struggle - financially - and every other way imagineable... Then like you said there are people - whose spouse cheats and they find out and the next day -that person is out of their lives forever - Now how they do that - I would love to know.... But then there are people like us - who for some reason end up being our own worst enemy - it is like we dont' think we are worthy to have someone else love us - it is like we cannot allow our lives to move on - because we are so hurt - we are so dillusioned with the world if you will because this has happened to us...Now you have been seeing this man for quite sometime --- Do you love him??? I think if you do love him then you have to allow yourself to be happy - to form a new relationship with him and let your past become just that your past... Remember like everyone tells me - Happiness is the best revenge...

Movin,
I’m so glad to see some of the “old timers” (comparatively speaking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) like yourself posting here who are being real about what it’s like after a few years of separation/divorce. Especially from those who haven’t raced into dating/marriage again. Not only was I able to identify with your post, but also with those who posted after you.

We can’t just “get over” long-term marriages quite as easily as some who were only married a few years. I think, just as we spent many years building our marriage, raising kids, building careers (ours and spouse’s), etc., it takes a bit longer coming to terms with its demise. Meanwhile, we’ve got the added responsibility of teen or adult kids (I feel as if I'm the only moral compass my kids have right now), businesses, careers in full swing, and all kinds of financial things going on. I’m still going through emotional things too...after being separated almost 3 years! So it’s good to know I’m not alone, and neither are you! I know we can get through this, but as was posted previously, it will just take some time. Thanks again for sharing your feelings.

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 12:08 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Movin...

Thank you for being transparent by sharing your pain here. This touched me in ways you will never know.

I'm so sorry this pain lingers on for you.

My heart weeps with yours today.

I hope it gets better for you. I really do.

Grrrrrr - just lost my post......

(((((((((pat)))))))))))
Don't think WX is having the time of his life, no matter how it appears. I never met an alcoholic ( looking back from recovery) who said they were happy when drinking. It was more like that vulture on the bed post waiting to torture them from the minute they wake up. Have you tried alanon? It could mean the difference between joy & happiness and misery.

You & XH probably had some wonderful times in the years you were M. That is hard to let go of. You love the man who God intended him to be, not what he's become. I think God puts an inner-knower inside of us that makes us feel uncomfortable when it's something God would not want us to do.

Hang in there - God can get you through.

D.

Pat,
Not much I can add that hasnt already been said. You got some great advice and support. Let me add my hugggz

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PAT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yeah, the long term thing really hurts alot. I have moved on and gotten past everything for the most part. I too was involved with a dysfunctional alcoholic/drug abuser marriage. Al-Anon helped me treendously.

Please ask your doc about the anti-depressants. Its tough carrying the load that we have been.

The things that hurt me more now are the things my X does in regards to the children mostly. Yesterday he pulled a nasty stunt on my daughter. and I have to deal with the repercussions, as always. It hurts me that he still has any kind of power over us.

This past snowy weekend I spent quite a bit of time cleaning up some stuff in the attic and came across a box of old cards and momentos from our wedding, courtship,early marriage. It was sad to read through all that stuff. It meant alot to me, thats why I saved them all theseyears, but I looked through the box without the devastating pain of 3 years ago.

I used most of the stuff for kindling in my fireplace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Had a nice toasty fire to sit in front of with my fiance and cleaned up the attic to boot. Win Win all around <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Smiles,
Dawn

Oh My Gosh Thank You All!!!

I have been so busy with work this week...I haven't had time to check. What a wonderful surprise. I really miss talking to all of you. Thank you so much for your thoughts....and it is just nice knowing that I am not the only one still being affected by this--even 4 years after DDay.

It helps just being able to talk about it. I don't know why I have days (weekends) like last weekend. I think it is a combination of being tired, the pressures of being a single parent of 4, and work which has always been really draining. There is never a day that goes by I don't think about this to some degree. Sometimes I have waves of anger, sometimes I am just fed up with him, sometimes I shift the blame all to her (dumb, I know), and other times I just miss our life together and I miss him. I definitely don't want him back--especially since he hasn't addressed any of his problems--and alcohol is still a huge factor. He has hurt me so badly over the years....I think I am still trying to figure out why he did what he did. It hurts the way he has rewritten history, our family relationships with his family have been affected---it is a mess.

I still hate that she has (or tries to have access to my kids--so far, only my youngest even half-way accepts this person). The girls have very little to do with her.

I am sad that the kids have lost their father tho--and I am afraid that that is the way it will be. This is really not what I wanted for me or my kids. I HATE divorce.

The man I am dating is great. Do I love him? I don't know... I care deeply for him, we have an easy relationship, he is great to the kids, in fact all the kids and their friends love him. We have kind of fallen into a relationship. We are comfortable right now. He has 6 kids...I have 4--they are our first priority right now...and we try to help each other out. He is dependable, loving , kind---I don't know.......I guess time will tell. I keep waiting for a shoe to fall.

Lupolady,
I checked with the doctor about Anti-D's. She is more worried right now about my high blood pressure. To be honest...I am kind of worried about that too....I have never had it before. Maybe things are really starting to take a toll on my body. I went in Monday and it was still high. We had an unfortunate incident at school that day tho--a student of mine from last year passed away Sunday evening...a really sweat little girl. She had a grand mal seizure--and died. It was a pretty stressful day on Monday for all of us. The kids have been really upset at school.

Last week they wanted me to start taking predizone (sp?)--I got the prescription--but haven't started them. A friend of mine who is a doctor said that that can cause your blood pressure to go up also--so it is good I haven't started that yet. Trying to decide if menopause has happened.....50 an interesting age to be starting all over in many phases of life.

I also haven't been able to exercise because of my neck...One of our PE teachers has been teaching a fitness class after school for free--but I haven't been able to go for about a month now because of my neck---and I could definitely use some exercise.

Daybreak,
It was so good hearing from you. It is hard....and I know weddings, grandbabies, and all of those wonderful family events will be altered by our divorce. How sad. I think that is what hurts so bad about being here. I see so many of our students and their families coming back here in command positions. Many of them retiring and doing what we should have been doing--going on cruises, getting retirement jobs, watching their kids go off to college--and doing all these things together. It is really hard for me to watch. You know--those "ideal" military families. Breaks my heart. I wished we had made it too.

LetSTry,
You have been in my thoughts and prayers so many times. We have a lot in common. I am so sorry for the loss of your adopted son. That has got to be a tremendous emptiness. And it is amazing how they can blame you for everything...isn't it? Hard to take. At times it is just so ludicrous what they say....but it still hurts even tho you know what they say is so outlandish....the power of "The Fog". Hang in there. I am still looking for the silver lining in this mess also.

L.I.T.
Thank you for your sensible and kind words. I needed that. I know I am still grieving.....but shouldn't the pain be easing a little? I look around me everywhere I go now....man, there is a lot of divorce going around. I guess we don't have any choice but to keep moving through it...I just wish I would feel better faster. Sometimes, like this last weekend---my heart is still breaking....and I know it is over. I wonder if it is easier without kids. I still have a hard time having the two of them come anywhere near me and I am worse when they have my kids. And the feelings are so intense. And these feelings are so unlike the "real" me.. I go along fine for awhile---and then he writes or does something stupid with the kids--and off I go on another emotional journey---and then I get mad that he is still capable of affecting me.

Sauron,
You described so much of how I feel. I love looking at it percentage wise. We did have many good parts to our marriage--but there was also some horribly bad. I really do miss what it could have been. And I really miss the good times.

As I have said in long ago posts tho--I have heard his conversations with her...........and she is not treated any better than I was. I am glad I don't have to deal with his bad sides anymore. In that aspect life is much better here without him. And it is probably better for the kids also. I am glad it is normal to have some of these fluctuations in feelings tho. Thank you for your thoughts.

Maw,

We have been on the same timeline through this mess. I don't know if I know how to be happy anymore. I'm not spontaneous anymore, I don't have the same youthfull outlook I used to have-I feel old--and I am old acoording to my kids and students, and my ex's new wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I hope when I am 100, I can look back on these past 25 years as an unhappy blip in time--but it feels like sometimes this blip is turning into a big black hole. Yuck!!!! As Dawn says, I didn't even want this detour. I am sorry to hear you had to sell your dreamhouse. We had to sell our retirement home up on Lake Champlain. I am still sick about that. I am still hanging on to our family home--barely. I hope I can make it another 6 years here for my two youngest. Without child support, it is tough.
Avondale25,
Thank you...it helps me to know that I am not alone too. Wish I could spead up the healing quicker tho. I am tired of feeling like this--I really am.

Be4Long,
You don't know how your posts have helped me...I was really down these past fews days. Your posts have been like a breath of fresh air. I am sorry you have to go through this--but I really appreciate your empathy.

WGTT,

I know you have mentioned Al Anon to me before--but I just can't fit anything more into my schedule at the moment....But I will investigate it--maybe this summer. Do you go even tho you don't have anyone with a problem at the time--will they deal with past issues (exH). I think deep down I am starting to believe OW and ex's blame for what went wrong in the marriage---I know it is not true, but I have to tell my heart that it isn't. I really do miss the fun times---and I miss having my family whole and together. He has a lot of problems, and alcohol is a biggy--but I really think it is hiding other issues. 4. He sures tries to act happy around me tho---if I hadn't of heard those conversations---I think this would have killed me.

Dawn,
Congratulations again on your engagement. I am so happy for you. I also looked through and separated into storage boxs tons of letters, cards and photograghs---helps me remember that I am not crazy--and we did have a good marriage and a great family through most of our time together. I sitll can't burn or throw them away...yet. I will look forward to a HUGE bonfire sometime in the future tho. Maybe they will help with the heating bill.

Well thank you all again. It took quite a lot of weight off my shoulders knowing that you have been here too & it is a normal process. I guess I have never been this close to a divorce before. Keep in contact!!!! Pat

movinon

I read your post and could not stop crying. I feel EXACTLY as you do. I have not been married as long as you have, but the pain of rejection and having to raise 2 kids alone is unbearable. I have good days and bad days, but the pain is not really getting any better.

Somebody mentioned looking at the raio of good to bad in the marriage. Well, my marriage was 95% GOOD, and only 5% bad, so it's very hard for me to accept this as being anything but WRONG!

I don't want to get into my sob story, bucause I guess deep down they're all the same, but I wanted you to know that I"ve been apart from H for a year, D is to be final very soon, and I still cry often and am struggling to hold myself together some days, for the sake of my beautiful children.

So, while I'm not offering advice, as i don't have 1 cent to give, much less 2 (besides, I need those cents to pay bills) I do want you to know that others feel the same way you do; you're not alone. I haven't slept in a year. My kids went from having mom home full time to daycare nearly full time (I'm a teacher too. I now sub, do special ed consulting work and teach two classes at the university).

Hang in there, and let's get through this.

cm

oops

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 01:38 AM: Message edited by: country mama ]</small>

Pat,

Believe I know where you are.

I still miss my old life and want it back; however, the X is not who he was, so I don't want him, I just want my life. Yet I know that life is gone forever and like you I hurt for my boys.

But we have to play the hand life deals us


School.....is it June yet.......

I look at my students and all of my problems are so minor to what most of my kids live in day in and out. Of course when they are making me pull out my hair, I have a very hard time remembering...

Thinking of you

Pat..my long time buddy...Good to hear from you and it's ok...from time to time to have that stabbing ache return. Mine does even. Mine happened when I saw this week a commercial for the new movie "phantom of the opera"...Then my aunt calls last night to tell me to go see it...well what they all forget is that 1)was my favorite musical ever...and that xh took me and got me seats in presidential box at theater in hometown to see it a few years ago...and 2)that my entire wedding songs...from when bridesmaids came out to the groomsman to the xh coming down aisle was songs from Phantom played by a wonderful harpist. very gorgeous. I had the song "all I ask of You" Played when I came out followed by bridal march. I saw it on tv and hearing parts of all i ask of you, burst into tears. A thousand years could pass and I would probably cry when I hear it.

If you need it, I have a good friend who married the pilot who's the trainer for all the NW pilots btw...he is also very good friend of mine. If you need some verification he's working and maybe how long etc...they are both on their second marriages and were married to a cheater and a spousal abuser. Both are lovingly married and the guy's of great character. Know they'd love to help somebody else who went thru what they did before meeting each other.

And yea, I sometimes miss the x. He was horrible. He is horrible. He is NOT the person I ever knew. But I miss the man he PRETENDED he was. I know that now.

Will I ever feel butterflies again? Sometimes I think I can. And sometimes I think I will never be able to. But I know that life is funny. When you least expect it, things happen.

For example, the man I SHOULD have married, my college xbf, is coming to town next month and will be here a week. His company is showing their products at a large trade show here and he's staying a week at the ritz...he and I were best friends for five years before we ever dated and I met the xh on the rebound almost immediately after my xbf and I broke up. I saw him over thanksgiving and he was wonderful to me and to my child. He is kind and laid back and I know if we lived in same city, he'd probably be the man I would marry. Could I get butterflies again? I don't know. I felt something when I was around him last time. We had two evenings together...one evening, our kids (and yes, he named his daughter the same name he and I picked out if it were to be a girl..Kelsey Ann)played together and he and I watched "it's a wonderful life" while drinking very good cabernet. It was odd, our kids (his 2 age 4 and 8 and my son now age 6) got along very very well. And when we were getting ready to leave, my son said "mom, I don't want to go...I like my new friends!". So the next night, he and I took all our kids to see spongebob movie. It was wierd. But I am fine around his kids and he's great around my son. He said "wow...it is amazing. He looks just like you..he's adorable and I don't see one speck of darth in him at all."

Maybe I could fall again. But I realize love is a verb...something you do everyday. I think that the in love feeling is what you're missing. And as for me, I think it's overrated.

Could I? Maybe. Will I ever be completely over the divorce and the tragedy of what I call "the destruction of an american family"? No. It is nothing but a tragedy.

Usually something will trigger the depression stuff...for me, it's usually situational depression and lately, it was triggered by the job change situation. I hate change after going thru so much. That's when the moodiness, weepiness, and sleep disruption and wierd dreams (of x and sometimes things we did) appeared once more. And then seeing the phantom of the opera commercial one day threw me into tears. But I realize now that something triggers it to happen. You have to stop yourself, snap yourself out of it, realize what they DID do and what you would NEVER take again and thank God for where you are NOW and that your survived the hell. Love doesn't do that to people ok? Love does not. You must get outside, do something even if it's like pulling teeth. If you find yourelf doing this depression stuff for longer than a few weeks, it may be time to get back on an antidepressant for a few months until you're back feeling better...Or you could read "Life Strategies" by dr. phil as I do and get a little "Texas Kick in the Pants" and have him make you so angry that you forget you're depressed at all and get off your tush and do something about it.

Nothin' but love for ya. Prayers coming too!

Dear Country Mama, Sing, and Peachy

Thank you for your posts. I guess we will just have to be survivors of this Tsunami in our lives...I guess there never will be any answers for why our spouses did this to us and our families. They have lost a lot and don't even realize it. And no matter their reasons or how they treat us now---they are the ones that broke their vows and hurt their families.

Now...how to move on and be HAPPY--that is where I am still struggling....I don't want to be one of those people who are stuck here forever---so please keep me in your prayers as I will keep you in mine. Pat

I don't think you ever "get over" someone you love, and especially not after a long term marriage. People may claim that you just miss your former life, but I do not believe that is true - I also miss my husband, just as if he had died. It has been almost 6 years and that has not changed.

Hopefully your doctors would hesitate to prescribe anti-depressants, especially when they would interact with medications for your neck and your blood pressure. Everytime I read someone else casually suggesting mood altering drugs, I feel like screaming. There are two children and a mother in my area who are dead quite possibly because their father/husband was given Prozac, and a poor child in my kids' high school committed suicide within days of having her dosage of anti-depressants raised.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>