How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?


When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth!

Okay LH, it was funny!

Women Strike too!!!
What Women Should Know About Men



1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.



2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.



3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.



4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.

He probably lies about other things too.



5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.



6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.



7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.



8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --

"don't" and "stop" (but not used together).



9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.



10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.



11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.



12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women.



13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving

-- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!



14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially

violent -- but they make great pets!



15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.



16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

What, Exactly, Are Cats?


1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Material Safety Data Sheet

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550lbs.

Occurence: Copious quantities throughout the world.

Physical properties:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted field and a variety of esthers.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts when given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in states varying from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical properties:
1. Has a genuine affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of attention.
3. VOLATILE: May explode without warning for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in water, but activity greatly increased with alcohol.

Most common uses:
1. Primarily ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Found to be a great aid to relaxation.

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosey pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to a fresher specimen.

Hazards:
1. Hard to retain when left in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal (not to mention deadly) to possess more than one at a time.

One For The Girls



What can a bird do that a man can't?

Whistle through its pecker.



Why did the man cross the road?

He heard the chicken was a slut.



Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.



Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They won't stop to ask directions.



Why did God put men on earth?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.





What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up

playing with them.




Why do men masturbate?

It's sex with someone they love.



Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.



Why did God make man before woman?

You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.



Why is pee yellow and sperm white?

So you can tell if he's coming or going.



How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?

Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.



Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?

It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Difference Between Men and Women


1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

LOL
Cant' keep up, I have to work a little too ya know:-p I will be back!

Well Chestnut,

You got him going!

And you'le never keep up. Especially if you start into the blonde stuff :-)


Thanx both for the laughs

WIWH

Damned Medication:
>
> A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
>
> He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
>
> At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
>
> Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
>
> He declines again. "No, still not hungry."
>
>
> "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Oh, this is great fun!! Thanks, LH!

Some of my favorites:

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A Tourist!!!!

What's the difference between a Corvette and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside!!

A woman wants one man who will fulfill all her needs....A man wants all women to fulfill his one need!!!

My apologies to all the guys!!!!!!