Yesterday my ex sent me an email. The subject line was "read this and feel good about yourself". Attached was an article about how courts are stacked against fathers and how easy it is for a woman to cry abuse and keep fathers from their children. It was actually an excellent article, except that it doesn't apply to our situation.

My ex husband really was abusive to me. He really did spend prison time for molesting two boys, and had commited a felony by pulling a gun on a police officer. (Before I knew him). I didn't make anything up, and the judge took everything out of my hands and insisted he have counseling and supervised visits, which he won't do.

So why doesn't he get it? He blames me for not being able to see the kids when HE is the one who has to set up the visits and see the counselor, not me.

I didn't bother to reply to him, it doesn't seem like he hears a word I say. If he thinks the abuse didn't exist, why doesn't he go to counseling and prove he doesn't have a problem?

he is too selfish to ever "get it". that is my snap judgement for the day.

He's a MAN man? Would a REAL MAN admit he had problems? I'll never get why abusive men won't even admit to what they did. There's big stats that they won't, even those in jail for murder will say it's their wives fault. If they never accept their part of it, look at themselves they'll never "get it." It's a blame someone else world, people don't like to take responsibility for their actions. Even if they hit rock bottom, some still won't wake up. It's almost Biblical, like they are blind, they can't see, they are like sheep wandering through life. The preacher gave that analogy in church one Sunday, I saw my own abusive husband in the analogy - sheep go astray, they are alone, all they are interested in is eating and self indulgence, they loose sight of everyone around them, and they just don't see it. A sheepherder has a job of finding the lost sheep. But if they dont' want to be found, they'll keep going off, won't pay attention, acting stupid. Your husband is likely lost, doesn't see it, doesn't get it, even in a crisis doesn't wake up. It's sad isn't it? I have hope my separated husband will wake up in a crisis, his motive - he can lose his child too, and he's likely lost me due to ongoing abuse. Sad.

It is so sad that do not "get it". I am hoping that one day my H will "get it", but as I have read and learned that it is highly unlikely that he ever will.

Horsey, I like your analogy or your pastor's. My H is quite the same way and all I want is for him one day to see that he is the cause of all this hurt and pain he has put us through. I am not going to hold my breathe, but it is still a hope. I must leave him in the hands of the Lord.

Anna,I fear that I will be living a parallel life to yours. My H sounds and even talks the same way as your does. He just (for lack of better words )deosn't "get it".

I hope to move on with my life once the divorce is final and live happily with someone who loves me and " gets what it means to be a family"; however, I do not want to be bothered with constant reminders of my marriage with WH. I know that will be hard because we have babies, but I feel you anguish and disgust with his whole mentality. I am sorry that you endure it from time to time. It's easy to say ignore it, but you shouldn't even have to deal with it.

All I can say is I am praying for PEACE for you in dealing with such a fool.

Hope you have better days,

Waiting 2 Exhale <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My wise mom used those words for my husband "he doesn't get it..." she's used them a long time. Even after I left before, came back he still didn't get it. Even after jail, he still doesn't get it. What would it take if he still doesn't get it at this point. I get it, I get my part in it, I"m going to my own counselor to address my own issues, which I've magnified while he has diminished his. I'm nice, I try not to place blame completely on another person, but this is insane when someone really does wrong and still doesn't see the abuse was their fault, their choices... oh my gosh.

After I left him, I got a no contact order... he broke it 12 times! Then the judge offered him a deal.....he could go to court and possibly get jail time or go on probation if he didn't break the order again. He CHOSE to go to court because he could PROVE it was my fault he broke the NC order! Of course, he couldn't, and did 30 days in jail. That was my fault too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I do feel very sad for him....he was molested as a 12 year old boy and I was hoping that counseling for himself and supervised visits would not only allow him to spend time with our kids in a healthy way, but maybe even help him to heal. I could never be married to him again (esp. since I'm remarried!) or even friends, but I would like to see him healed for his own sake.

He thinks it's all about me trying to "get back at him". He just doesn't get it.

Is that my friend Bill - Abby's dad who posted? Heaven help us if it is....how are you, friend?

Anna, nah, the fog people never get it. Not even my doofus gets it.

Anna, the fog people never get it.

BUT is that my friend Bill - Abby's dad, who posted? If it is, how are you? Good to see you around.

Men will never get it as they are inconsiderate donkey's butts! I am getting ready to go thru a divorce and my hubby who is a good 150 lbs heavier then me still believes that he never physically abused me. He even has his family believing the same thing. What a bunch of dummies. The great thing is that I had to spend the night in jail for Domestic Violence cos we got into it and I called the cops and he left knowing that if he did, he would not be arrested. The first time in my life I tried to fight back, I go to jail and he left me there all night and half the day long! Men are so irresponsible and we as women need to fight back as I for one am so sick of being stomped on.

I can't decide if you're just venting or if you're serious.

I will concede that the "getit" rate is very low, but it is not impossible.

Frankly, I think because there are very few resources out there teaching people how to "get it".

SO it's a crapshoot.

Simone1, I'd encourge you to post your story. There's a lot of wrath and venom in your writing, perhaps getting it all out in one big vent will help.

Jaye, I'm venting mostly. But I'm serious in that I wish he'd understand and take responsibility for his actions in the past and then get counseling and actually be there for his kids and have a relationship with them.....

doubt it will happen.

There appears to be a lot of bitterness and anger on his part. W/o serious help, you're right, he's not going to "get it".

I wish somebebody would invent a "Get it" gun, that could be given to the spouse with a clue, to zap some sense into the clueless spouse. Would've saved me and my wife 7+ y ears of misery.