I too have been wondering lately about how much my background and expectations have influenced my ability to identify someone as a suitable mate.
In my case, my concern is not whether I may be attracted only to someone with characteristics of an abuser, but whether I may find attractive only someone who is too preoccupied with her own pursuits to invest much of herself in a relationship. Admittedly a sample set of two is a bit too small to permit firm conclusions, but I'm not sure it's wise for me to dismiss the possibility of there being some significance to the fact that this
does seem - on the surface - to be a shared characteristic of the only women I've ever been seriously interested in.
If there
is some significance to this "coincidence," it suggests that I may have a fear of receiving love. And it is tempting to find support for that interpretation from the additional fact that my greatest source of frustration in dealing with my persistent "unrequited love" situation does not derive from my desire to be loved myself, but rather from my desire to
express love. In other words, I spend very little time thinking about how nice it would be if my friend-who-just-wants-to-be-a-friend loved me, but I
do spend probably too much time wishing I could tell her what I really see in her and what a difference she has made in my life. (I'm not the kind of guy who gets tired of saying "I love you.") Even my therapist suggested some years back (when I was still married) that perhaps my ex-wife had married me because in our premarital history I had demonstrated that I was "safe" - that I wouldn't try to force my way past her boundaries and demand a greater level of intimacy than she was comfortable with.
Am I fooling myself? Am I really running from love and romanticizing the out-of-reach-princess-on-a-pedestal so that I don't have to risk intimacy? Am I accepting her boundaries because I am secretly glad of them but unwilling to take responsibility for those boundaries myself?
I feel guilty. Here I am, a prime "catch" - on paper at least - with a stable professional career, with talents and brains and reasonably good looks, and with a not inordinate amount of baggage. My friends - my unmarried
female friends! - have pointed out to me that there is not exactly a bumper-crop of single Christian men around - at least not those who actually live according to what they profess to believe - while there are so many women (particularly "older" women of my age and above) who are out there lamenting their dismal prospects for finding a good man.
Shouldn't I be doing something about that? Shouldn't I be doing
my part to make some hard-pressed lonely woman happy? I
know I've got the makings of a great husband, with better-than-average marriage skills. And here I am saying I want kids while there are so many single mothers out there who might really benefit from "having a man around the house."
But what am I doing instead? I'm still stuck in this foolish obsession over one woman who shows no signs of ever being "interested" in me. Worse, she's young enough (technically) to be my daughter, thus confirming the complaints of all those women who claim that the few good men who haven't already been "taken" are off chasing younger women.
It just seems like such a stupid
waste.
Of course, I would feel a lot worse about it if I thought there was anything I could really
do about it. And perhaps I would feel worse if so many of those unmarried female friends of mine who had pointed out the dearth of Christian men weren't somehow managing one-by-one to find them anyway. And I might actually take my feelings seriously if even
one woman in my life other than my ex-wife - who had never dated anyone but me (and then did so only after a reasonably lengthy friendship) - had
ever revealed the slightest bit of romantic interest in me.
Ironic, isn't it? Me feeling guilty about not sharing myself when I apparently haven't got anything anyone wants anyway... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
It's a premature conclusion, I realize, although it plays nicely into my insecurities. I have a lot of confidence in my character, but not much at all in my social aptitude. Do I talk too much? Do I laugh too loudly? Do I come across as a know-it-all? Heck,
do I part my hair the wrong way!?Or, following the theory that what women
say they want - sensitivity, honesty, and respect - is not what actually attracts them, am I just one of those guys who is forever destined to be seen only as a friend while they set their sights on the losers and jerks?
Again, my only comfort is that there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. As long as I know something is out of my hands, I do a much better job of trusting God to take care of the situation.
In the meantime I'm not willing to stop being sensitive and honest and respectful. I'm going to keep trying to work on my social skills, although I know I will never have the social magnetism of...well, for example, of the woman I'm so interested in.
And I'm going to continue trying to keep my heart and eyes open. Since the time of my divorce, I have met many women whom I respect and admire. Some I'm pretty sure I could fall in love with if I allowed myself to do so. With others I think it
might be possible. But every time I consider whether I should try to pursue something in that direction, I ask myself whether this is someone I could see myself living with day by day without going nuts - whether this is someone whose goals and lifestyle preferences I would enthusiastically support - whether this is someone whom I think would make a really good co-parent with me - whether this is someone whom I feel I can understand, but who nevertheless constantly surprises and delights me - whether this is someone whose strengths and weaknesses would balance and complement mine.
I don't see how I can pursue a relationship with any woman unless I can answer all those questions positively with regard to her. And while my ability to imagine living with someone may be limited by my past experiences, most of the other questions are less problematic in that regard. And no matter how many angles I have used to approach these questions, the fact remains that only one woman I know (leaving my ex-wife out the picture if you don't mind) comes anywhere close to meeting all my criteria - and she meets them all in shocking abundance.
I simply cannot believe that I am "running" from love" just because I am not willing to settle for less. It doesn't have to be
her, but I believe God has at least used her to show me that what I want in a wife is not an impossible ideal. I do not think I am over-romanticizing or putting this woman on a pedestal. I know very well that she's not perfect, and I've been told that she can be hard to live with (by those who have lived with her). I laughed at that, because I had a pretty good idea what they meant, and I pointed out that I'd learned a lot during my marriage about what sort of things I could adapt to, whether more or less easily, and I knew what it was like to be married to a high-maintenance woman. I am under no illusion that a relationship with this woman would be
easy; I just know that it would be oh so worth the work.
Which is kind of my point. Marriage is hard work, and if I'm going to make that kind of effort, it had better be for something I
really want, because I
like my freedom and independence. I'm not going to marry someone unless I believe all the way to the core of my being that building that relationship is more valuable to me than anything else in this world.
I am not
afraid of intimacy; I'm just picky. In fact, the same therapist who suggested that my ex-wife had married me because she perceived me as "safe" also pointed out that she was wrong: what she was seeing was "gentleness" (to use his word), and it did not stop me from repeatedly pursuing intimacy with her, which in the end she feared more than she craved.
I don't know what God is going to do in my life, but right now I can only keep trying to grow in the ways He shows me, keep my heart and eyes as open as possible for any unanticipated opportunities He may bring my way, and accept the fact that for now I am stuck with being "in love" with a woman who shows no sign that she will ever reciprocate those feelings.
I just wish she wasn't so beautiful...
