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Joined: May 2000
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The session with the social worker and psychiatrist was the most gut-wrenching thing I have been through in years.

In it, I owned the part of me that is broken. But all x would talk about in terms of problems was MY problems. I know that those two mental health workers didn't miss that fact. x talked about how he had gone to son's teachers and schools and other people and told them what a bad housekeeper I am and how this was really messing up the children.

They told us we have to lay aside our anger with each other and work on having a better relationship with each other - for our children's sake.

But all x could talk about was my brokeness.

I told them, before he did, that this was my problem. Then I told them what I needed to try to work on the relationship.

But all x could talk about was my brokeness. He was so bad that his wife hung her head and shook it.

And how am I supposed to work on a relationship with someone who continues to treat me so?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> x talked about how he had gone to son's teachers and schools and other people and told them what a bad housekeeper I am and how this was really messing up the children. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All I can say to that is....PULEEEZZZZ!!

My uncle and aunt and my cousins (now adult) are some of the most laid-back, well-adjusted people I know. And my aunt's house was and still is continually messy. I always thought it felt "homey". And though I am bothered when my house is truly dirty, I am no neat-freak! My house is rarely ever organized and in good order. (I see a lot of my daughter's ADHD traits in myself!) And I've never once had reason to believe that it has an adverse affect on my kids' wellbeing.

That said, on to more serious issues near and dear to my heart:

If your daughter is truly suicidal, you can never be too careful. I would take every note, every statement, anything seriously! And get her help no matter what your X thinks.

My daughter is a cutter. It is a heartbreaking thing to deal with. The only relief I have is that cutters are rarely truly suicidal (though I've had moments where I was afraid for her life and called her friends).

She cuts to release her emotional pain, I guess. We tried to get her inpatient help a year ago and it was denied because the insurance company decided she wasn't suicidal/homicidal and could do fine with outpatient treatment. It has been one of the most frustrating battles I've fought. I'm currently appealing an $1,800 bill for one night's stay (the psychiatrist admitted her to the psych hospital and then the insurance company discharged her the next day and denied the claim, stating the level of care wasn't necessary and that she shouldn't have been admitted).

My daughter will go months without cutting, and then something bad will happen and she'll put dozens of razor cuts all over her forearms. And yes, she picks at the scabs as they heal, keeping them irritated and bleading. She has what are probably permanent scars.

Through all this I've learned and grown, and found that instead of trying to give her all my wonderful "motherly advice" or plead with her not to do these things when she's hurting or angry, if she talked, I just listened. I tend to want to help, and to give advice. But I found that she just wanted to know that I cared, and that I was there for her no matter what she did. She didn't necessarily want me to say a thing. She just wanted me to be there for her.

Right now she is doing better, but she could easily crash and burn again. Teenage emotions are unstable on a good day, and to throw in depression or other psychologic issues makes for disaster.

Just stay as composed and strong as you can for her, and let her know that no matter what she does or doesn't do, that although you may not agree with her or understand her, you will always love her and will never leave her.

LL

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I am so sorry you had such a bad experience, Cinderella. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I don't understand why it is okay to beat up on you. How is that gonna help G?
I will continue to pray.

R's Psychiatrist upped her meds a bit yesterday, since she had a rough night Wednesday. I hope that helps. She is also avoiding the trigger until she sees her counselor next.
It was very nice, my husband said to me yesterday that he was thankful I was around- since he wouldn't be able to handle the situation on his own. I have said the same thing to him on our first trip back from the hospital and said it again.
I don't know how you are able to handle all of this, Cinderella. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You are doing a great job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (I wish there was a hugging graemlin)

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If I didn't know it was the wrong thing to do, I would go into Monday's session and accuse x of engaging in slander and in parental alienation. Then I would ask if the social worker or psychiatrist could help me find a way to deal with my renewed anger and hatred of my x so that I could do the right thing for my daughter.

And I'd start to build as good a case against him as I could and see if I could go for sole custody. But that would get to nasty.

That second part would ruin my daughter's chances of ever being healthy. So, I can't do it.

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I completely understand.

Is there a way to take care of yourself, at the same time of taking care of G? It's not gonna help anyone for your X to spew all that crap.

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keeping ya'll in my thoughts and prayers.....

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I must be one of the most confused women in the world.

Spent a good part of the weekend crying at the drop of a hat.

I have a beautiful daughter who can't see the beauty in herself. I have a wonderful son who has his own struggles. An 80-y-o mother who is having trouble with memory but doesn't have any signifcant health problems. 2 cats and a new dog which growls at my son. And a BF who loves me.

So, anyway, I had to take bf to the airport today. Went by mom's and fixed her medicine box for the week.

Then, I went to doofus's house to pick up son who had been there since Wed p.m.

When I got there, x said he needed to talk to me. I started retreating. Said we could talk Monday (tomorrow) but that wouldn't do. Remeber he very well may be a narcisstic, manipulative, passive/aggressive ISTJ and he had eviscerated, humiliated, and embarrased me on Friday - embarrasing his wife at the same time.

So, what did he say but that he was sorry. Sorry that he has said those things. And I told him he had undone a lot of my healing. That I didn't know how quickly I could forgive him for what he had done.

And he seemed truly sorry.

I don't know.

I suppose I will stay open to the concept of forgiving him though I want to see if he can walk the walk now that he has talked the talk.

He even said daughter has said she would rather live with me if my house were neater. He and his wife have both offered to do whatever they could to help me deal with my issue. So, what are they doing to help him with his?

Bear in mind that that was the only reason he ever gave me for wanting a divorce.

So, where is this coming from? What do I make of this? Did I have to endure that so that he might have a measure of healing?

I sit in possession of knowledge that would wreck his marriage. But, I can't get my pain out of my system by dumping it on him - in front of other people. So, how do I let him get by this easily.

And you'll love this. He and his wife were to take the children to see her children next weekend because it will be her grandson's first birthday. Now, the wife is going alone due to all that has happened. How is she feeling?

What in the world?

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Dreading, in a way, today's meeting. Looking forward to it in others.

It will be interesting to see how x acts and what he says.

Talk is cheap. Let's go find out what happens.

I'll be back.

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I pray that it goes good today. I am glad your ex apologized, even though it doesn't un-do everything he said and that you feel.

Have you been able to talk to your daughter on the phone? If so, how is she doing?

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Yesterday's meeting went really well. There was so much less tension that it was unreal. Maybe doofus had a breakthrough. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help this beautiful child.

I am actually excited about the prospect of family therapy for all three adults and both children. I think it could be the best thing that happened to me since the divorce. x's wife is excited about it too.

If we can work on getting us all more healthy it will be a wonderful thing. This is just fabulous. I am sorry it took this kind of crisis to make it possible, however. I really like this psychiatrist. And I am so glad to hear he does family therapy as well as psychiatry. And daughter wants to continue seeing her personal therapist.

Life can be sweet after agony.

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Awesome update, thank you!

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About the house, call Oprah or one of those home improvement shows. I think it would be great fun to have someone clean and organize my house.

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So, what are the names of the shows. I have no cable tv - $40 for television each month is not on my list of priorities. Oprah I could probably find by internet. Hey - I'll take any help.

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There's a program called "Clean House" on the Style Network (unfortunately it's Cable TV in my area) www.stylenetwork.com. Do a search for "Clean House" on that site. I think they may only work out of one specific geographical area, but you might check. They come into homes....clean out lots of "stuff" (you know, "but I might need this someday" stuff, knowing it's sat there for years!)..., hold a yard sale and then decorate and organize for the person/family.

Do you have a friend or family member that's good at organizing? Just from watching that show I've learned organizing tips...ways to sort and store stuff. It's makes it a lot easier to keep things cleaned up if there's a specific spot to put the stuff. I'm not good at setting up the original organization, but some people seem to have a real gift for it.

Something I've done recently..clean out my bedroom closet! If I haven't worn it in the past year or so....it went into a bag for the Salvation Army. I prompted myself to "pass it on" by reminding myself that I was being "selfish" to hold onto clothing that could be worn by others, but just sat unused in my closet. I also approach one area or one drawer or one closet at a time. I finish it up before I pick another area. Otherwise it can get overwhelming to try and clean everything all at once.

Re: cutting behavior. Sometimes people cut because it releases endorphins (natural feel good chemicals in the body). Others talk about how when things seem out of control, they cut to try and "focus" their pain on one thing. I think you're doing great getting help for your daughter!! How wonderful that your daughter's friends and school staff took her "call for help" seriously. And of course you'd want to let the school know she was hospitalized in a psych. unit! Geez, they already knew there was a "problem". I'm sure they'd want to know she was getting the proper help. Sounds like your ex is a real control freak...IMHO...They're such difficult people to deal with. Keep up the good work!

Last edited by heartmending; 04/04/05 07:02 AM.
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I had little choice but to get immediate help. Tomorrow she sees her psychiatrist again. She saw her psychologist last Thursday and will see her again this Wednesday. Her dad and I will alternate appts taking her to the psychologist because she will need to see her once a week for a while.

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Visit to psychiatrist went well. He got her to give up some of the things in her over-scheduled life. Talked about anxiety. Talked about priorities.

She sees him again in a few weeks for an individual appt. Then a couple of weeks after that, the whole family goes - her dad, stepmother, brother, and me along with that sweet daughter of mine.

She saw her counselor again today. (psychologist) She thinks daughter is doing much better.

Thank God I was there for her that day. Thank God the counselor cleared her calendar for us. Thank God the hospital was nearby and had a bed for her. Thank God for mental health workers and for medication. Thank God for my wonderful daughter (and son). Thank God for always providing.

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