My H has not ended his PA/EA with the pregnant OW. When we get together, he either avoids eye contact or gives me tons of attention. He has not made a real committment to staying married even though when he "confessed" to the affair April 2, he told me he would do what ever it took to keep me...so far its in words only. We both feel to divorce now would only lead to regrets but I feel like he is keeping me so she cant pressure him for marriage. I am dying inside. H has a whole new group of friends (all single or divorced) (most Ive never met) and has told me OW knows most of them. He wont take me out w/friends and when we do something, its alway with our child and usually at our home. We did meet some friends Friday night at an outdoor event and I know they have met OW too. I am in plan A and by Gods grace will stay in it but the pain and uncertainty is turmoilic (is that a word?). Is it worth it?? I know I contributed heavily to the break down of our marriage but he did his share too. He never consulted me as to his plans, took up a drag racing hobby (major time consumption/most weekends 7+ months a year) in the first year of our marriage without asking for my input, had convinced me he was a believer (I was a baby christian) when we married (we had dated a few years before I got saved) (now he says hes just not a strong christian and doesnt want to go to church or hang with other christians but I can deal with that, had an EA 3 years ago and began lying to me heavily from that point. (she got pregnant by someone else) Would stay away from home most nights almost from the beginning of our marriage, came home 11 pm or later (2/3am) many nights while working on racecar or just because he didnt want to be with me. Seldom would call me at work, told me to go back to work full time when I was 6 months pregnant so I could "pull my own weight" (I was working 30+hrs a week the previous 3 years of marriage while going to school 2+classes a semester). Went out of town racing the first 3 weekends after our son was born and really had not been nice to me most of our marriage. Since we have been married, he regreted it and its been obvious to all who see us. He prefers everyone and everything else to me. I know if he would put a real effort into it, we could have a great marriage, because I remember what our dating was like when he wanted to be with me and now that I know what I did wrong...it could be all we ever hoped for, I just dont know if I want to get past the OW-ONLY because she is pregnant and he is not breaking it off. I cant do this!!!!!!! I just needed to vent. The emotional rollercoaster is eating me up. I told God I cant love this man, He has to if anyone is going to and so far He is. I think my plan A will go through May (ive asked him to move home for a 60 day trial...he said he'd let me know this weekend...Im not expecting anything) My next request will to be going on a Retrouville weekend (even though the PA/EA is still on...its in early June...if thats a no go...I think plan B and a legal separtion (I need to protect me and my child right now)....(I had already filed for divorce before the affair was confirmed). In Missouri, after 3 months of being legally separtated, a divorce can occur...by then the OC will be close to birth. If we arent in this together by then, I think "the fat lady will sing". Thanks for allowing me to let off steam, I feel better already.<BR>Kris

SISL,<BR>I'm so sorry that your H is still involved in his EA/PA. I can empathize with the emotional roller coaster that you are going through. My H wanted to emotionally support the XOW during her pregnancy. He felt that he needed to do it for the benefit of the unborn child. There was no way I could have handled that. Your H sounds like he is very selfish (much like my H). I'm not sure if you or your H are in counseling, but that is the first thing I would recommend. One of the things that I have learned through counseling is that I 'enabled' my H's selfishness by not being assertive enough and letting him know my needs and my feelings. I have to say, also, that I don't think that my H and I were able to truly begin recovery until after the OC was born. <P>The decisions that we face in this situation are tough. There are no ideal solutions. We can help guide you and let you know what we have done, but it is up to you to decide what you can handle. <P>Gotta run, I'll check back later.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Thanks Audrey, I also posted this on general questions...I feel better now..A long walk at lunch helped. Yes Im in counseling and have been since he moved out (Nov). I dont think I can last until the OC is born to begin recovery, H & OW will have been building too much of a history by then. Ill hang in as long as I can...God willing..<P>Its very encouraging to know you are recovering. Maybe me someday????? It is so very helpful to hear others stories even when not resulting in pregnancy. Its easier knowing Im not alone.<BR>Kris

Hi SISL:<P>Ugh. Such and awful place to be in. I am so glad you are in couselling. Is there any hope for your spouse to join you?<P>The lying is hard to deal with because it keeps you off balance thinking one thing when really another is happening. As long as your spouse is dishonest and not wanting you to meet his friends or take you with him to the races, there are some real mountains you'll both have to climb and overcome to find recovery and the only way to do this sometimes is through professionals. <P>I truly hope he will get some hope if he really wants to save the marriage. He has said he wants to. Is there anything you can do to get him to go?<P>catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR>I wish there was something I could do. He went with me 2 times and then once by himself. The time he went by himself was to tell the counselor he got OW pregnant and now how to tell me. Thats the last time he went. I dont know what hes doing and he says he doesnt either. She tells him "I love you" and he told me he tells her that sometime now. He also tells me that. He is lying to her about seeing me, I know that. He told me she is more frustrated than either he or I about the whole situation (I doubt that). Maybe she'll start major LBing... .... We will see.<BR>Thanks for your thoughts.<BR>Kris

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am glad too, that you are in counseling. I also think that it is wise that you need to put you and your child first. I know how hard the lying can be, and for you it is still going on. The waiting can be murder also. I am in the throws of this also. But of course the child is already two, I just found out three months ago. So I have to deal with years of lies. <P>If your husband is lying to both of you, that makes it hard for you to see who the real man is. Is he the man you fell in love with who is having a hard time. Or this man who has been lying to you? That makes it more difficult also. Waiting to see who is the real person. I guess I am not really giving you any real words of encourgement. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Try to concentrate on giving yourself some time. Try to do something special for yourself. I know it is hard. You are in my thoughts. Sorry if I wasn't much help.<P>babstr.

Babstr,<BR>Thanks for understanding. Im sorry you H has also lied to you for so long. What ever happened to good old fashioned honesty?? Oh well. I hope and pray you and H can truly recover. I know that is my desire for my marriage too. Life is hard isnt it? Im just glad Im learning how to learn from my mistakes. <BR>Kris