Gosh, it has been seemingly forever since I've posted here. I used to post here as "movingfoward", but have since changed e-mail address and couldn't remember my password. I was happily surprised when I got on here tonight and saw this new board. I've always wanted the support of others who are in the situation of OW+OC. This is perfect. <P>When I began posting the OW was pregnant with OC. Well, she had the OC April 3, so now it has become for real! In fact right now I am typing up an answer for the court in response to her petition for paternity, custody and visitation. We are unsure as to whether H is the father. The dates just don't exactly mesh. In fact the probable date of conception and the time that OW and my H were intimate is a month off. I'm trying not to get too confident, because I think I'll really be depressed if I'm wrong. Anyhow, I have not seen the OC, and don't think I want to until the DNA tests confirm one way or the other. But the OW has made her presence known regardless...she has visited my H's sister and parents, while refusing to let the child visit with H. In fact she sent my mother-in-law a mother's day card from herself and the "alleged" grandchild (read OC). That really ticked me off, because I am almost sure she is doing this out of spite. I think she feels like she has control over the situation now that she has the child. Before it was her begging to have my H be by her side, as in relationship, while he refused to acknowledge her. Now I believe that she is using the child to make my H jealous, or something along those lines. Pretty sad really, the OC is the one who will suffer. Anyhow, I will definately be around more. I look forward to talking with everyone!

Welcome! So sorry you have to be here, but glad we got the forum.<P>My wise MotherInLaw has some prior experience with this. My then-single Brother-IL had a child 10 years ago by a woman who is very dysfunctional, controlling, manipulative, 4 kids now with 4 different fathers all across the USA. My MIL is the only one maintaining contact with the mother/child (BIL pays support, no visits). MIL said to me "these women are very needy and will do ANYthing to get their needs met." MIL knows she is being used at times, but wants to be available to the child.<P>MIL is also the one 'our' XOW chose to name OC after; XOW wrote MIL at least twice, sent pictures, trying to suck her into the fray, but MIL choses to stay out of it. Like the affair, XOW is trying to get HER needs (not necessarily the child's!!! ) met no matter who it hurts. Same for 'your' XOW, movingforward! I agree, it is the child who is ultimately hurt by her infighting, and I hope your inlaws wise up to it.<P>BEWARE of obviously dysfunctional people!! I SO regret ever letting XOW/"friend" share ANY of our family life. We are very careful who we spend time with now. (That is only one part of the affair, of course; we're also recovering the marriage ). <P>One more thing. A friend reminded me that people who don't respect themselves (many in affairs) also cannot show respect for others!<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited May 18, 2000).]

Jenny,<P>Thanks for the response. I doubted I would get any tonight! I actually have seen the child, only pictures, ones that she sent my H about 2 weeks ago. My MIL actually is not supportive of the OW. In fact I think she was shocked when OW showed up with OC in tow. My MIL also wanted a good look at the OC, and since "examining" the OC, doesn't think it's my H's. But, like your MIL, my MIL has some experience where all this is concerned too! (Is it something genetic??) My then single BIL impregnated a woman who is WAY dysfunctional. The child is now 5 and is in a sad way. The woman's own mother has called SRS, but nothing has been done as of yet. This woman also has 2 other children, 2 different fathers.My BIL is fighting for custody, but for some reason, it seems to be an uphill battle. I feel for BIL's now wife, who is pregnant right now. Anyhow, my MIL is now supportive of that child now that it is known that BIL is in fact the father. So I'm not looking forward to the day, if OC is my H's, that everyone becomes intertwined with OW and OC. <P>Sometimes I feel awfully selfish, because I'm so sick of dealing with the hurt this affair has done. I truly thought the OW was a true friend. Heck she was in my hospital room immediately following delivery of my child. Now I find myself thinking, "Who can I really trust?" That's what really sucks, I'm not sure. I don't trust my own judgement. Now with the possibility that OC is H's, I think about having to deal with OW for years on end, and it hurts!! Sometimes I blame myself for not seeing the beginning of what would become the affair. How could I have been such a nim nod? And as selfish as this may sound, when I think of the support payments, I think, that is money that I could have used for my daughter and her needs. Right now, we don't even have the money for an attorney, so here I am searching the internet for legal forms so I can magically become a lawyer in a week. I guess this is my way of having the slightest bit of control over a situation where I have little to none. Oh well, life continues on... Anyhow, H and I are actually doing pretty good as far as rebuilding our marriage. This is actually bringing us closer in some twisted way. I'm glad to hear that you and your H are also recovering. Well good luck to you. I'm sure I'll see you around.<p>[This message has been edited by tryingtomoveforward (edited May 18, 2000).]

Welcome, or should I say welcome back. My inlaws want nothing to do with the OW or OC, they consider her a high stakes prostitute. I hate the whole money situation, I mention that quite often, but it is because that is what is on the front burner. We too cannot afford an attorney. I did some leg work and I have spoken to over ten attorneys. They all say that I am basically up the creek. The laws show no mercy for the fathers, and more important no mercy for the family. My daughter is going to have less of everything when the official court papers go through. We already know the amount. Part of me wants to run away from this situation. I think if I am going to have to work and my child is going to have to suffer, than I should just leave and start over. <P>The hardest problem, my friends don't understand, they too think I should just skip out. That living on welfare, and my child not having her father is better than staying. It is all too soon for me. I want to get everything settled with the OW with court. I think it makes it hard to heal when you are spending the bulk of your time trying to figure out how to get control of your life. I hate that this OW is still being an influence in my life even though it has been almost three years since the incident. FYI, it was a one night stand, she was thrilled to be pregnant. She has done this before to a another officer, both her and my husband were drunk. He was trying to leave, and she convinced him otherwise. She just now decided that she wants the money, the child is two. My daughter is 21 months. Sorry I was rambling about myself, back to you.<P>I can't believe the nerve of some of these women. To go over to your MIL and act as though what is going on is normal. We were talking on another thread about the OW naming the children with family names. I think they really feel like they are going to get somewhere by using the child. So much for the innoccent child thinking, that only seems to be mentioned when the father is involved. I feel sorry for all of the children, it is hard no matter what role you are in. She is trying to put a wedge between your H and his own family by letting them see the child. I am so sorry you are in this siutation. This is a club no one wants to belong to, but one that I am glad is here. I have felt a lot better being able to come here. I know you mentioned that you used to come here. I used to go to a different board, but have switched here. No one understands unless they are living it. Welcome, I hope you will feel some comfort and relief by posting here. Sorry if I carried on too much.<P>babstr.

Our OW also outed us to MIL, FIL, SIL. She was a friend of FIL's family. OW thought that everyone on this side would rush to support her but guess what? They decided that this situation was a hot potato and no one wants to get burned. She only has her own people to relie on now. I love when at least a portion of their misdeeds backfire.

moving forward,<BR>I didn't realize or had forgotten that you too have the "friend" element to deal with. <P>Double betrayal!! Extra difficult. Similarly, XOW held my hand at the 4mo ultrasound with my last pregnancy. Little did I know she was also equally pregnant with my H's child.(OC and my child born same month). Twisted, twisted. I can't watch the tape. I trusted her to babysit, housesit... the list goes ON! I too ask "how can I have been so stupid?!" but they were very careful, and I totally trusted my H. I've had to pack away 3 years of photos and videotape, mostly of my precious son, because they are also chock-full of XOW and her (older)children.<P>I have found it very difficult to build a new support/friend network in my new location, much because of this "who can you trust" business. It's made my life harder in so many ways, but I'm slowly making it anew. I can be friends in a more careful, slow way. I can be better friends with my H. I've learned I can be better friends with my SELF, too.<P>I'm kinda babbling now.<BR>So glad we have this board. It's lonely to not be able to discuss it freely with others, most of whom will never understand...