Well, I won Round 1, but didn't think there'd be a Round 2. Round 1 ended when H returned home 2 days after moving in with OW. He moved back after agreeing to work on our marriage and giving up OW. The day after moving back, OW showed him the paperwork that she was pregnant. H was very loving for about 2 weeks after that. (BTW, we have no children - our choice.)<P>Round 2: Then he quit talking and turned surly again. Night before last I got him to talk. He admitted that he doesn't know how he feels about the OC. I've made it clear to him that I'll accept the OC, but will accept no contact with OW except as it relates to OC. I told H that visitations should take place at our house, not hers. OW has apparently made it clear that *I* am not to have anything to do with OC. <P>Yesterday H moved in with a male friend for "a few days" to figure out how he's going to deal with OC. I told him I hoped he'd take my feelings into account and that there *was* a limit to what I can endure. <P>He admits this whole thing is a mid-life crisis and, finally, has agreed to see a counselor if he doesn't get himself straightened out. It also appears to me that his family has a history of depression. He is also talking about anti-depressants now. After not being able to say I love you all week, he did say it over the phone last night. I really think he does love me, but can't stand the pressure of the OC. <P>So I guess I'm asking for your thoughts and prayers that he *will* get to a counselor so we can get on with our lives. He likes to think he can do this on his own, but I really believe we need some outside help.<P>Thanks for being here. . .<P>Sue<BR>

childless,<P>I'm sorry to hear about the situation. Your H sounds like he's a major confused, guilty mess. My H reacted in much the same way at first. We actually mutually agreed to separate, more because I wasn't sure if I could handle the OW and OC. After a few months of talking to H and him spending alot of time with me and our daughter we decided to move back together. It has been a rough road. Whenever I did manage to get H to talk about his feelings in regard to OC, he always talked about the guilt involved with producing a child as a result of an affair. That he thought our daughter would grow up to hate him once she found out. That I would choose not to stay with him, etc. Actually, since the OW has had the OC (in April) things have gotten better. OW has shown her truly ugly side. One that he denied was there, one that I was 100% positive was there. Now H and I are working a united front to keep OW and her lawyer at bay.<P>I think counseling would be the best idea for your H, and for you. If H refuses to go to counseling, I say you go. My H refused counseling, but I ended up going. It helped me out quite a bit. <P>Also, I think you are being totally realistic in having OC come to your house as opposed to H going to OW's home. If she's anything like our OW she will use visitations as a control issue. But once court ordered, she can whine and moan all she wants!<P>In the meantime, I will pray for the both of you....<P>

I think you have a headstart because you know about the pending child before it is born and can use this time to work on your relationship and define what you want your relationship to the child to be. I didn't have that luxury.<P>If he is sure his relationship with the OW is over, you are even more ahead of the game. At least you aren't dealing with that issue too! Be encouraged!<P>Whatever reasons you have for not wanting children with your H must also hold true for him and any other women. That surely must work in your favor too!<P>It's going to be painful, but I think your H is going to need to be able to feel he can talk to you. Listen. If you can make him feel supported during this time, and make the decision about what to do now together, you will be in great shape. <P>Don't forget about your own emotional needs though. I'd get a counselor for that. I found out in my 1st marriage that two people can't have a crisis at the same time because it leaves both unsupported. They just aren't able to deal with someone else's stuff when they have so much of their own going on. So, get someone UNBIASED to talk to about your feelings.<P>From what you've said, you really sound like you are in a good position to beat this thing and come out intact. I know there will be hard times ahead, but you can do this.

Childless,<BR>I believe that you and your are going through one of the harder phases of this mess. My H and I were working on our issues while the XOW was pregnant but it was difficult. Your wounds are still fresh. For me, my H felt like he needed to emotionally support the XOW while she was pregnant. There was no way I was going to agree to that. I was like you, childless, in that I agreed to be involved with the OC as a family apart from the XOW. The XOW cannot keep you away from the OC. You can get court mandated visitation and then she has no choice.<P>I'm sure your H is going through a lot of guilt right now. He needs to get counseling regardless of what he decides to do. You need to get counseling also. You said "I really think he does love me, but can't stand the pressure of the OC." I am sure that he does love you. But I think it is probably the pressure from the OW that is messing with your H by saying things like you are not to be involved with the OC. Unfortunately, the OW does have a certain amount of power in this situation. But, it is not hopeless. You and your H can work things out. Continue to be supportive of him and Plan A your heart out.<P>Best wishes, <BR>Audrey

childless,<BR>You are being TOTALLY reasonable!!!! You are doing everything right! Keep up the good work! <P>I read in one infidelity book that, contrary to our feelings of craziness, it IS the betrayed who is in the sounder state of mind! It is up to us to set the climate. The betrayer is the nutcase at the moment, and I pray your H will come to a better place soon.<P>Sending Good wishes your way,<BR>Jenny

When is OW due? Like Tryingtomoveforward states, the OW will turn ugly once the child is born and she realizes that she won't get her man. Once your H sees that side of her, things will change. <P>It seems she is playing the poor,tender mom-to-be act to the hilt. Please remind your H that if he is the biological father he has legal visitation rights regardless of the OW's wishes. If visitation means that his lawfully wedded wife will have access to OC, then too bad for the OW. He has paternal rights (if he wants them) no matter what game she tries to pull. <P>Stay strong.

Thanks, everyone, for the words of encouragement!<P>Yes, H is a confused, guilty mess! But last night he agreed to see the doctor for anti-depressant medication. A small victory for me. He also told me that OW does *not* know he's staying with his friend! Her last day of work at the same place as H is today - hurray! I think she was trying to put pressure on him again; and, as usual, he was running away from it. The stop smoking prescription (I forget the name) that he took a couple of years ago is also an anti-depressant. I and others noticed a definite change in attitude while he was taking it. So, hopefully, this will work.<P>Yes, I do have several things going for me. H has not cared much for children; so once the pressure is off from OW, I think he will see my reasoning. Another good thing is that we *have* talked more in the last few months than ever before. I do listen to him, and he *does* listen to me. <P>OW has already turned ugly and baby isn't due until November. Last week she told him she thought she was losing the baby. I held my tongue when he told me, but thought: Hallelujah! But it was just another play on his feelings. I've begun to make a case for custody if H wants. So let her get ugly!<P>I have seen a counselor in the past, and it wasn't particularly successful. I'm more a self-help type of person. MB (especially His Needs, Her Needs) and Divorce as Friends have been a great help to me in the last few months. BUT, I will go with H if he gives me the chance.<P>I hope the visitation thing will work itself out. I really don't want to go to court because I'm afraid we'll end up paying much more in child support. CS here is based upon *family* income, and I'm the primary provider. OW knows what H makes, but I don't think she knows what I make. Hopefully, H and OW will be able to work out $ without going to court. But that's why I've started my case for custody. <P>Our situation is less complicated than most of you, I guess, because we have no other children. I probably would have a whole difference perspective on things if we did. But, as I told H, I'll try to make the best of a difficult situation. Luckily, I *am* a strong person. If we can get beyond this, I'm positive our marriage will be much stronger than ever.<P>Again, thanks for all your replies.<BR>