Tonight I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for, I am so blessed.<P>Two and a half years ago, my world began to change. Looking back, I did notice the change, but, thought it was just that. A change...nothing to be alarmed with, nothing to call out the calvary for, just some minor 'hiccups' in the marriage. Something so minor as our little annoyances would just come out in the wash. Just some little changes. Yeah, he started drinking, but, he'll probably come out of it on his own.<P>Wrong. David's evil twin emerged instead. The speed with which the course of events that altered our lives forever took on at such a speed, at such an alarming pace, it still takes my breath away when I think how fast it all happened. <P>I mean, after all, David was always a loose cannon. It was one of the things I found so intriguing about him. So much personality, so intellegent and so ... <BR>There was always something going on--he made life happen in the most extraordinary way. Life with David was like living with an extremely charasmatic, precocious 7 year old. And, oh, how he made me feel. <P>David made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman he's ever met. In fact, when he courted me, the letters....those letters. I would reread them in stunned disbelief when he was gone not being able to fathom how he could be like this for all those years and then suddenly turn into a rejecting, cold and unrecognizable person he had become in January 1998. Those letters made me refuse to beleive he meant all those terrible things he was saying, made me refuse to believe it was over between us, made me refuse to give up, made me want what I had and made me fight for my marriage, for David. I wanted it all back. It was mine. He promised! Damn it.<P>For 17 and half years, he made me feel as if everything that came out of my mouth was adorable, clever and funny. He would laugh that warm deep laugh of his with all that love and warmth in his eyes and tell me that he thanked God for me, for us and that he couldn't believe that he was lucky enough to find someone like me. He told me that everytime we made love it was like brand new. He said I made him 'drool'. LOL He was so passionate. It was so exciting and so much fun. We really did it for each other.<P>David thought I was smart, too. he entrusted me with running two businesses for him and marveled at my public relations and advertising abilities. He would watch me talk to people and I would catch him watching me out of the corner of my eye while involved in conversation. The look of pride on his face just encouraged me to take my talents another step further.<P>He constantly came up to me to touch me, hug me, tell me over and over how deeply in love he was with me. When he was gone, he would call me constantly just because he missed me--even after 5, 10, 15, 17 years! <BR>Every night we would sit on the sofa, me first with my back against the arm, and then David up against me. We would watch tv, listen to music or Prairie Home or just chat. <BR>He'd rub my feet and talk about how lucky we were. We talked about how much our fidelity mattered to us and he would say how proud he was that "we were each other's very own special person, only belonging to each other."<P>Ahhh, those were golden days and nights that lasted 17 and a half years. We never got tired of each other, never got bored, never got sick of each other. <BR>I loved David's creative mind (he has four patents) and his ability to make things happen. I know, I know. He was sometimes child like, but, that was part of his creativity, part of his charm. <BR>He has an excellent intellect and now he has a new maturity I have never seen beore, which is, unfortunately, a product of the last two years of unspeakable heartache. <P>At any rate, I find this new maturity calming and reassuring for me and that he has not lost his creativity or his enthusiasm for new ideas makes it an interesting blend. In fact, it's the best of both worlds, regardless of how it was inspired.<P>I wish with all my heart the events of the past two years would never have happened. In retrospect, I can think of a hundred things I could have done rather than complacently think that we were immune from this kind of horror, that would have changed the face of the outcomes. But, I really, really, believed that he was completely incapable of betrayal. So I let it go. I let things take on a life of it's own when he started drinking.<P>I know I can be redundant, and many of you have heard me say this over and over, but, the one thing I held dearest to 'us' was the sexual exclusivity. I took it as my 'consolation' prize for not being able to have children with this man, a deep and private pain that I pushed inside. <BR>When I/we lost that, I felt that specialness disappear. After all, what did we have that was unique just to us anymore? <P>What was left was gratitude. Not the gratitude I had before, laced with smugness that this couldn't happen to us, but a gratitude that went far beyond anything we have experienced before.<P>After David got through two treatment programs, survived his suicide attempt, got through withdrawal, denial and deception, got through Retrouvaille, got through the bogus hearings in NY, seeing the OW sober in NY for the first time (that's another story--kind of like a drunk at 'last call' thinking the female impersonator at the end of the bar is the lovliest thing he's ever seen-Meow. Sorry.) got on medication and allowed himself to remember what we were and what we had and remembered how we were together and all our history, he fell in love with me all over again. And, I feel in love with him all over again.<P>He keeps saying, "B, this is just like 1979 all over again" (He calls me B) He says, "I am beyond grateful that you let me come home." The truth is I reeled him home, he reluctantly acquiesced, but if he wants to think it was his idea, OK. If you get a chance to read my post from a year ago that changed the entire course of our marriage and whipped him out of withdrawal, it's called "My Once in a Lifetime". I printed it up for him and left it on the table and took off for three days. He said the power of the written word was incredible, it made him see, and remember... <BR>Sometimes it's good to know the history of what things were like then and what progress and changes have come to pass.<P>His deep remorse is a healing balm, his renewed dedication to the marriage and to me is more than I thought was possible after what had happened to us. That other person who temporarily inhabited my husband's body from January 1998 until June 1999 was simply David's evil twin. It was his dark side exacerbated by alcohol and compounded by his bipolar disease.<P>My point is, is that as wretched, painful and ugly as those two years were, we have come to a higher plane of sorts. It's been a weird dance of two steps forward, huge regressions backwards, then a few more steps forward, then back. (Dosey-doe) <P>Just three weeks ago, I was contemplating divorce becasue of my obsession. I have a problem with obsessing. I just can't seem to beleive what happened. I think I 'choose' to obsess. I am still angry as hell. And I hate 'her'. So I'm petty, so what?<BR>Maybe in time I will come to be able to deal with it better.<P>I still rant and rage when I am alone. I told my friend, Bystander, that I am still in an incredible amount of pain, that I just can't seem to shake it. Bystander came to NY for the hearings when I had David's power of attorney when he was in treatment for the second time. He was instrumental in keeping me focused and created many diversions to keep me from falling apart. OW was there with OC and I was curiously drawn to OC. It should have been mine. That pain is raw. So raw.<P>David is doing so well. He is so happy and positive and he's like he used to be, only better. He has that new maturity I was talking about earlier. He looks good, clear eyes and healthy, smiles and laughs all the time, keeps busy and focused on what we need to do (damage control) and gives me attention and conversation and love. And sex. Lot's and lot's of really good, hot sex. It's very healing and conducive to reconnecting, I highly recommend it.<P>Every morning I wake up cradled in his arms and he tells me how much he loves me and how grateful he is that I took him back and that he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He talks about going back to Carmel (our favorite place to hang out) and renewing our vows, and about all the things we are going to do once we repair the damage to our business.<P>The progress we've made is remarkable. The healing is taking place even if I am the one struggling with issues. I don't mention "things", I don't tell him of my pain anymore, he knows. He is in horrible pain, too. I take it here, instead.<P>What did people do before MB? I wish Popeye's mom would have had this kind of support to get her through those heartbreaking times. <BR>I wish David and I could have gained all this insight and knowledge and been able to strengthen our marriage without these horrific consequences and all this disgusting pain and strife.<P>I have immense gratitude for this forum and for all of you. I feel so close to all of you, especially on this particular site.<P>Thanks for listening to me. It was cleansing and fun for me to write about this. I thought instead of telling you what a SOB he was as I have done so often since I came to this forum a year ago, I thought I would introduce you to David, the love of my life. The good stuff. There's so much more to tell but I have gone on and on forever and time to close because I get kicked off the internet this time of night every now and then and I would hate to write all this and have it disap.. <P>catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited May 21, 2000).]

catnip,<P>Wow, what an incredible story. That was beautifully written, and I appreciate you taking the time to write it. <P>I think you hit the nail on the head about obsession with OW/OC. I too obsess about it...to the point where I contemplate just plain leaving. But like you, I think I also choose to obsess about it. Somehow it feels empowering or enlightening. Maybe I do it to figure out how to learn to trust again.<P>Anyhow, I really enjoyed hearing about how much you continue to love "the love of my life". It helps to hear why people choose to keep on with a marriage that so many people on the "outside" would think is unsalvagable. Thank you!!

Catnip,<BR>Thank you for sharing! Your story is very uplifting.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Catnip,<P>I could really relate to some of your story. When my H first told me I was so hurt and angry. I couln't understand it because we had been married for 17 years. I took my anger out on him - probably driving him towards the OW. He became so different, not at all the loving man and considerate man I married. I hated the OW too. I don't thing I hate her now (that took a lot of praying) but I don't like her. (just being honest). Why do you think we have negative feelings for these OW's but love for our H's? After all, it was our H's who promised to love and cherish til death.....<P><BR>

catnip,<BR>I'm so happy for you that you have these uplifting things to say You've come a long way. Congradulations!<P>CD,<BR>I think what you described is very natural and happens to us all. When we are trying to reconcile with our loved one, both spouses working hard to meet each others' needs, that leaves the OP the obvious scapegoat for those inevitable bad feelings about what happened. We have no reason to 'reconcile' with the OP, as that would further interfer with the marriage! I think it DOES help ourselves when we can forgive everyone to the point that we are aren't hurting ourSELVES with our anger over what has happened, but I admit at nearly 2 years, I'm still working on that re: XOW.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

CD:<P>I hate the OW because I warned her the first weekend she and my husband were together that he was sick and needed help and she said she would 'kick my [censored]' if I called her again. She had plenty of opportunity to do the right thing.<P>My spouse is remorseful, the OW is hauling us into court every two minutes to pick our pockets and selfishly kept a child she couldn't care for.<P>So, I hate OW for changing my life forever. I have ISSUES with my spouse for changing my life forever, but, we have this history...and once upon a time we were 'us' and it's much harder to throw that away than scapegoat the OW.<P>My spouses illness is quite acute. His selfishness is borne out of a disease; hers is borne out of desperation to get a man at any cost no matter who it hurts. Damn the torpedos.<P>There lies the difference.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>PS Thanks, Jen, for your kind words....just when you thought I have progressed... LOL<BR>

<BR>CD,<P>I think hatred for the OP is common in any situation involving infidelity. I've entertained the following explanation for it...warning, I have no data to support this wild assertion! <P>Whenever an actor does something, there are two potential explanations for the behavior (or some combination of these two). The first of these is a dispositional attribution, where we assign the actor's behavior to the kind of person who acted. For example, bad people rob banks, and because this person robbed a bank, he must be a bad person. The second of these is a situational attribution, where we assign the person's behavior to the situational forces at work. For example, we've all felt obligated to tell a white lie at some point, so as to not hurt someone's feelings. Of course lying is wrong, but we feel constrained by the situation to do it anyway, because we perceive the harm in hurt feelings to surpass the harm in telling a small lie.<P>What does this have to do with an OP? Perhaps we look at a wayward spouse who loves us, and we have to ask, "How could this person, who I love so much, have done something this truly horrible to me?" We can make a judgment that they acted for dispositional reasons and/or they acted for situational reasons. The dispositional judgment is actually threatening to a betrayed, because it carries with it an implicit possibility that another infidelity could happen in the future. Thus, there is a bias to want to assign the cause of the infidelity to the OP, to make the betrayer's behavior as *situational* as possible. This relieves us, to an extent, of the vague uneasiness that this nightmare could revisit in the future. And once we've assigned a situational attribution, it gets pretty easy to view the OP's behavior as the direct cause of all the misery, and that quickly translates into outright hatred.<P>Bystander

Excellent analysis, Bystander!<P>I'd also like to add that in our unique cases, it was not our respective H but the OW who had the final right to 'grant us a pardon' if you will, from a lifetime of attachment. That being understood, the OW, despite whatever H, not to mention W had to say about the matter, chose to bring the OC into the world. Therefore, especially in the case of a child born of an affair, we find it so much easier to blame the OW, IMHO.

<BR>PPB,<P>That "last chance for a pardon" is a great point! <P>Bystander

The other woman becomes the villain for 'keeping' the child and thus sentencing that child to a life of disadvantages, alife without a participating dad, no family ties with bio dad family and it all seems to be all for mercenary reasons, to garner a significant portion of the husband's, the wife's the couple's children's income shares.<P>When the betrayed family must endure the injustices of these OW from brief affairs getting as much as the wife of many years would get, the OW is twice the villain.<P>When the OW is hanging onto the child in hopes the husband will leave his wife/life for her or when it is a vindictive gesture to pay them back for staying together, she is thrice the villain.<P>It's easy to barbeque the OW for a myriad of reasons, least of all, she did not protect her body when screwing around with a married man giving no thought to the impact her actions would have on an entire family/marriage, or caring. The blatant and obvious selfishness takes any empathy we may occasionally feel towards her.<P>Catnip =^^=