Hi Catnip and everyone,<P>So sorry to hear of your recent pain, Catnip. The more I hear of your situation, the more I discover we have in common. I, too, am coming up on 2 year anniversay of DDay in just a few days. I have been having a real rollercoaster ride the past few days, and after reading your posts, I have concluded that this "anniversary" is probably at the root of it all. <P>I have also experienced those "not still 'in love' feelings" you mentioned, but just recently. Yesterday and today I have been in a major funk, like just after DDay in '98.<P>I had intended to stay away from this site for awhile after the "invasion of the affair partners" because I felt as though our private safe haven had been invaded even though there was no flaming. BUT, I realize I need this interaction far more than I once thought, especially since I don't really have a support group of family and friends and I have a counselor who seems to see this had an "adjustment issue" that "I" need to deal with, and my H just needs to be patient and understanding and not do squat! I cancelled this afternoon's session, in fact, because I usually leave his office more upset than when I arrived, and I just can't deal with that today. There aren't any counselors in my community who specialize or have much expertise in affair-recovery issues, and he is as close as I can find. Really, all he does is lend a friendly ear most of the time, but it's better than nothing.<P>ANYWAY, if you recall, I, too, would like to pursue a personal injury suit against the OW and am watching your case carefully to see how to proceed. The OW in my situation is obssessive and has a major personality disorder but has managed to manipulate the legal system in our community to do her bidding. I work with a relative of hers who says that he has never seen a more manipulative human being and that I need to be very careful. You would not believe some of the things she has done. She has invaded every area of our personal life including MY personal credit report and Equifax and our bank account. But that's another story.<P>I just wanted to send you my encouragement and support, and hope that somehow we can all help one another to get through this horrible ordeal.<P>anniem<BR>

Dear AnnieM,<P>Some of the MBers do telephone counselling with the Harleys. I am not sure as to its effectiveness but maybe you can give it a shot?<P>I was also very upset that the OW posted here were destructive instead of constructive. I was deeply shocked and saddened that one of the wives had a late pregnacy that was terminated and the OW here actually appeared so cold-hearted about that painful ordeal, and had her labelled insane, psycho, etc.. What goes around comes around. We really have no way of stopping them from lurking, posting, etc., so we might as well get on with our own recovery.<P>Your situation is not unlike many who have manipulative and treacherous OW, and I hope that you are able to protect yourself well. I was given the book 'The power of a praying wife" by Stormie Omartian. It is a really good book to help me understand that a man's walk through life is full of temptations and other obstacles and how a wife can best help her H to walk in the light.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

Dear Catnip,<P>Thank you for your equally moving reply. You and I share a common history of infertility and so I know firsthand what those words spoken by the OW about your H's reaction to the news of her pregnancy did to you.<P>I was suffering infertility too at the time the OC in my life was born and I will never forget how I felt knowing that another woman was giving my H the gift that I was trying so hard to give him.<P>You really captured my feelings when you said that we are the ones that are "haunted and tortured". These feelings pop up at the strangest times -- the triggers are everywhere. <P>I may see a pregnant woman at church and imagine the OW carrying my H's child. I still imagine them together, laughing, talking, sharing intimate secrets. My H thinks I am crazy to keep reliving these things and hurting myself over and over again. He says that it hurts him all over again when he sees the misery that I am in.<P>But his misery is not nearly as severe as mine. Largely because he has ME to take care of him and to make him feel better. Meanwhile, who takes care of me?<P>I even think about having an A myself just to get back at him and to make him feel the hurt that I feel. I worry myself when I start to think crazy things like that. I have the utmost respect for my marriage vows and I don't think I could live with myself if I violated them. <P>They say that one person in a relationship always loves more and gives more -- I guess that is where we went wrong (BSs). We've made everything so nice and cozy for the WSs.<P>I know this down period will pass but I appreciate being able to let out the grief and frustration to others who know what I am feeling.<P>God bless you all.<BR>- Heavenly

Dear Heavenly,<P>I understand the A thing because I told my church pastors that nothing is sacred anymore and I feel like returning the favor. they empathised and said that that is a natural reaction but that will only hurt me more than the H. I didn't get it at that time because I was so sure that all I wanted was to hit back the hardest.<P>Now, I know that an A on the rebound is not worth it because the hurt to my WS is only second hand since he dealt the first blow. Moreover, I am pretty sure that WS would use that to make his adultery less severe and will feel less remorse overnight. I have told my WS that I might as well go and have an affair, and he turned pale and said that I wouldn't. I really doubt he can stomach his wife having an affair. He kept asking me to be magnanimous.<P>It really takes a lot of straining to hear God's teachings that prevent me from throwing all my self-respect away. However, I am going to continue keeping fit and smashing and honourable, and if WS ever walk wayward again, I will not be walked all over again. <P><BR>Heavenly,<BR>There is a bible study down in Women's Bible Study and if you want more solace, you can join Taj's study on 'the character and nature of God'. God loves you and you know that He alone is sufficent for all your needs. But in his love, he gave you a lovely family, intelligence and a wonderful soul, more than probably you ever wished for? The WS's A is a huge stumbling block for you but it can also be a huge signpost for us to look first to God because He is the saviour and the truth, and worship Him, not our Hs.<P>God loves you<BR>weep

Dear sweet Weep,<P>Thank you for your comfort, your encouragement, your wisdom. The bible is also a source of strong support for me and I will check into the bible study.<P>Without a doubt, I have met some of the most wonderful, intelligent, brave, and compassionate people in the world right here on these screens. Although we are all in a rotten situation, it gives me great comfort to know that in times of trouble people truly do reach out to help heal each other.<P>God bless you, Weep and everyone else as we help each other find our way.<BR>- Heavenly

Catnip, Heavenly, Weep, and Anniem,<P> I have been following this thread,and your stories. I grew up in a house full of women( two younger sisters), so I may be biased, but I am just bolown away by your loyalty, comitment, and determination. <BR> I truly believe that women are the civilizing force in our society. You are the nurturers, the educators, the social consience, the backbone. I truly admire you! <BR> You have my utmost respect!!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Catnip my heart breaks for you. You have been my role model during all of my own personal problems. My tears now are for you and the pain you still feel.<P>I wish I could take it away from you. You don't deserve any of this and I hope that the saying "Good things come to those who wait" rings true for you.<P>I hope you and your H find each other again and find yourselves looking over 2 generations of family, into each others eyes see nothing but devotion, dedication, respect and the deepest love possible. I'm sorry Catnip. I will keep you in my thoughts always. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Gregg (aka Lynton),<P>I am always blown away by random acts of kindness such as your words! Throughout this ordeal I have found strength and courage deep inside myself that I never knew existed.<P>It is a constant struggle for us all, but I believe with all my heart that God loves us and we will find our way to whatever peace He has planned for us. Meanwhile, during the trip, blessings are always appreciated (smile).<P>Our foundations of comfort, safety, trust, love -- everything that we built for our long term future -- have been shaken badly by our spouses betrayals. But if we lean on each other maybe we can re-build -- not the same foundation but a different one that will also be strong.<P>I use an analogy for my situation that I would like to share with you. If you break a cup, then you repair it with crazy glue, three things can happen: first, the crack may not be noticeable and the cup will look as good as new; second, you will treat that cup with great care to make sure you don't break it again; and third, the crazy glue may turn out to be stronger than the original glue. <P>I am praying that with all my H and I have been through we will be more gentle and caring with each other to make sure that we don't break again and through the pain and suffering may come a level of communication and understanding that is better and stronger than the first time.<P>We have a number of survivors among us who are helping us get there. We are all glad that you have joined us -- just sorry for the reason you are here. <P>God bless.<BR>- Heavenly<BR>

Heavenly,<P> Despite the reason I'm here, I feel privaleged to knoww you. We are all survivors. I sincerely hope our sharing on this forum will make a difference. I love your analogy. I have told my wife all along that our marriage can be stronger than ever, not so much because of me, but because I still believe in her. You don't really know how strong your marriage is until it is tested, and we have all been maximaly tested. No thanks needed for kindness, I have been shown more than my share in this place.<BR>My prayers are with you.<P> God bless you, <P> <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Heavenly, <P> Oh, by the way, Lynton is my middle name. <P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

catnip<BR>My prayors are with you. You are so strong, and have helped me so much, I wish there was something I could do for you, so I will pray. Take care of yourself.<BR>Noodles

Dear Gregg,<P>Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I really needed that. I grew up as the encourager to my family, friends and loved ones and was an eternal optimist. It really feels so different to be on the other side. But through it all, I am trying to see what good all this suffering is to me. I really have little idea but am praying to know God's will in my life.<P>I am also touched by your positive energy and how you have managed to take life as a changing landscape of lessons learned, love, growth, maturity, and utmost loyalty. You treat others with a lot of compassion and treasure the preciousness of a fellow human. I am humbled to have learnt this quality from someone who is suffering as much.<P>If you have followed my stories, then you will understand that there is little hope of sanity if I were to follow my own heart and mind and conventional wisdom. I listen to those but I surrender all the uncertainties and 'why me' to Jesus and rest in His Amazing Grace. <P>God bless and loves you<BR>weep

Dear Weep,(such a sad name)<P> Thank you for the kind words.<P><BR> The only time I've felt any peace through this ordeal, are the times I got down on my knees, as a Catholic schoolboy, and prayed, "God, I give it back to you, Thy will be done."<BR> That's the best advice I can give.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg