I was hoping you all could help me. We received the following e-mail from OW. I'm scared. I don't feel comfortable with divulging this information to her. Does she have a right to this? We are now scrambling to retain an attorney but not something we can afford. I desperately need advice.<P>OW: I need the following information from you by tomorrow morning. If you could<BR>just send the answers in e-mail form now and then they can follow up with<BR>documentation as needed.<P> I need your address<BR> I need your personal income as well as Annual household income<BR> Desired visitation. I know it's 0%, but if you could re-send a response<BR> stating that<BR> Because you want a Paternity test I need to know:<BR> If you will be contesting paternity<BR> Specifics of how you intend to have the test completed<BR> If you will be withholding settlement until it's complete<BR> *And, please note that you are solely responsible for all costs and fees<BR> related with this procedure.<P>I am planning on having the labor and delivery costs, (pre-natal) DR appts, and<BR>other maternity costs included in the settlement, so we don't have to<BR>communicate with each other. I didn't think you'd have an issue with this.<BR>**********<BR>I put this response together. Any comments?<P>As we previously stated we are not comfortable with disclosing this information to you directly. Can you please provide the name and number of your attorney and we will provide to him/her.<P>We had consulted some mediation offices however it appears you do not wish to go that route and the advice we received was such that one party could not unbiasly represent each of us fairly. Unfortunate since this could save each of us money I'm sure we all need.<P>I will make some further calls tonight to see if we can retain someone as soon as possible. I believe what you are requesting in terms of maternity expenses go above an beyond what is needed and I'm sorry you couldn't take my daughter's well being into account . You are not only taking from Mark you are taking from my daughter as well and we are going to do everything possible to protect her.<P>Again once we retain an attorney we will have them contact yours immediately. Please provide the name and phone number. Thanks.<P><p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited November 07, 2000).]

LSM,<P>Do not divulge any such information to the OW!<P>First, get yourself a lawyer and do not provide any information either to the OW or to her attorney directly. You will provide whatever information is required to your lawyer at his or her request only.<P>Second, tone down the e-mail a bit and stick to the facts:<P>Say you are in the process of retaining an attorney because one attorney cannot represent both parties. <P>State that once you have your attorney he or she will contact the OW's attorney to make the appropriate arrangements and your lawyer will inform you what information is required.<P>Encourage the OW to try mediation once again as an effort to save money which would be better spent on the OC.<P>Do not address whether the expenses she is quoting are reasonable -- your attorneys will work out those details.<P>Do not bring your H or your daughter into the matter and do not say that you will do whatever is necessary to protect your daughter -- that can be used as a threat by the OW.<P>Keep your note simple and to the point -- even though you may be seething inside... what nerve this OW has!!<P>Stay calm, she's just trying to bait you -- so don't let her do it.<P>- Heavenly<BR>

lsm,<BR>I'm no lawyer but I think you did the right thing. There is no need to give her ANY information without the advice of your own lawyer!! As for paternity, in our case, we paid $600 total to have blood DNA testing provided by a private company. The results had nothing to do with the child support details other than proving that my H is the bio-father. And yes, there was no child support provided until DNA results came back! About maternity costs, in our case the XOW had medical coverage and we were never asked to participate. I don't think that is your H's responsibility, but the law is the authority to be concerned about here. I hope you find a lawyer soon. If possible, ask any local contacts you have in the community to chose "a good one". I have a friend who is in court often due to she and her H's ex-spouses, and she said which lawyer you have can make all the difference... if s/he has a good/bad reputation within the system, knows the judge, etc.<P>Good luck! Don't let her get you down!

Heavenly thank you so much for responding. I trust your judgement knowing your education. You are right I should make this personal no matter how much it is. You don't know how much you've helped me.<P>In California they law does not take into account the household income. Why would she be requesting this information? Also are we required to pay for costs of paternity tests?<P>I'm going by attorney's in the phone book. Is there a better way to find one?<P>I'll edit my e-mail. Again you have no idea how much you've helped me.<P>Jenny thank you also for your response. I know you've been through this and I admire that you are now in recovery. I hope I can model your actions and get my marriage back to where it was. I'm scared to death I'll lose everything I have. Or have to start selling what we do have in order to make these payments.<P>Please keep me in your thoughts. I need your strength to make it throught this one. Thank the lord for sending you all to me when I needed you most. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

LSM,<P>You might want to check on line. When my H and I were concerned for his and my safety, we asked a cousin, who is actually a judge in AZ some legal ?'s, and he suggested looking there. I believe it is the Christian Legal Society. They can either contact you through your email, or you can call their number, which is on the sight. Luckily, we didn't have to take any other legal action, other than what happened to OM in the military. For once, the system worked for us, and he was off the island in less than a month from the date of the assult. Again, check there, and hope it helps. I also agree with Heavenly about not providing ANY info directly to her or her lawyer. You are in our prayers.<P>Tigger

I know I said I wouldn't post, but I think I can offer some info. First off, DO NOT give her any information directly. Even if you don't retain an attorney, when you are served with papers to appear, you will also receive a "packet" of documents to complete. In that packet is an expense declaration. That is the form that will break down your monthly expenses. You will also be given a form to "respond". Use this form to state the facts and why you may contest whatever she is requesting, i.e. the amount of child support. I'll bet you 10 to 1 that the reason she wants to know your income now is so she can request a specific amount for child support without appearing to the judge as greedy. You are not required to provide any information other than info requested BY THE COURT. Unfortunately, the information you file with the court (expense declaration) she will have access to, if she goes to the court and requests it. You will not have to provide any proof of income until you go to court, at which time the judge will enter some numbers into a computer program that will determine the amount of child support. Whether it's fair or unfair, the program is very objective and will take only her info and your husband's info….not your whole household's. If California has jurisdiction, your husband will have to also provide medical coverage, 1/2 the cost of all uninsured medical expenses, and 1/2 her child care expenses (if she requests it). If she does request child care money, ask for proof of what she is paying and see if you can pay directly to the child care provider. But I'm getting ahead of myself. My recommended plan of action: Wait for her to file. Do not give her any information beforehand. Her and your husband will be required to go to mediation prior to going to court. At that time, let the mediator know that he is questioning paternity and would like a paternity test. Everything he says will be documented by the mediator and provided to the judge in a report/recommendation. The key here is to be cooperative and show that your concern is for the best interests of the child. The mediator is a child advocate. Once you go to court and the judge is made aware of your request for a paternity test, he will issue a continuance, usually about 30 days, to provide time for the testing to be done and results to come back. I'm sorry to tell you that your husband will most likely have to pay that expense. She can also request that your husband pay for HALF her medical expenses….not all of them. She has a better chance of winning that judgement if she files her paperwork PRIOR to delivery. Otherwise, it's a toss up. However, you could counter by requesting that since you are paying for the test, then she pay for her own medical expenses. Otherwise, request all medical costs be split evenly between both parties INCLUDING the cost of testing. That might take some of the wind out of her sails.<P>Sensitive issue: Do you really want to keep visitation at 0%? The amount of visitation you have will have an effect on how much child support you pay. Also, California predominantly supports joint legal and physical custody. Unless it would be too difficult for you, which is perfectly understandable, I would go for at least a 20/80 custody split. If you (your husband) does want to retain some visitation, do not let her use the term "reasonable visitation". That would give her total control over how, when and where. Have the judge clearly define the parameters of visitation.<P>Don't let her bully you around by giving you deadlines and using scare tactics. If you can, retain an attorney. Call the state bar and ask for a referral. Also, contact your local DA's office (department of child support enforcement). They usually have someone there to assist with paperwork and sometimes can give you an inside track to the judges in your area.<P>Okay, now I'll retreat back into lurking. Good luck!<P>Oh, one more thing. If you're not comfortable accepting the info I've provided, try directing your posts for legal advise to Bystander. She is better known by this board and is a wealth of knowledge. I'm pretty sure she would be happy to help you.<BR>

lostsoulmate,<P>I would hold back on everything and do just as everyone has suggested here. You do not have to answer to her for anything.<P>I remembered we are both awaiting on a February due date. The only difference between us is that you know what is going on. We have still not heard a word from this OW. We still do not even really know if she really was pregnant or went through with it. I hate not knowing and feeling like everything could blow up in my face after we have made a lot of progress with our marriage.<P>I will keep you and your family in my prayers and DO NOT let her tell you you have to do anything.<P>Carrie

Dear Lostsoulmate,<P> Listen to heavenly, she knows what she's talking about. Don't be intimidated by OWs' letter, that's what she wants!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Ohbratti1 I appreciate your input. Given you are an OW I trust what you say to be the truth and have a better aspect of what this girl is doing. Not that you did or would do the same but you know what she's going through feeling since you've been there. Thank you.<P>Carriemom, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this OW in your life is lying about the baby. I will pray for you and ask for this to be true. Maybe she's realized that it was her decision alone to give birth to this child so she's decided that it's also her responsibility. I'll keep you in my thoughts.<P>Gregg, thank you for your encouragement as well. I deeply trust Heavenlys advice. We have consulted a couple lawyers and have a recommendation coming from a family friend who is also an attorney.<P>Everyone I just ask that you all pray for me. I'm so afraid that we will have to start selling our assets just to pay these expenses. Things we've worked so hard for for that past 13 years. I just don't know what that will do to me.<P>I will keep you posted. Talk to you all soon. Please take care of yourselves. I think of you often. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Whew, LSM, you've received some outstanding advice. I have nothing more to offer as it has all been said. Just stopping in to lend my support and prayers and to encourage you to stay strong and don't let anyone cow you.<P>BTW, Bystander is a guy.<P>Catnip =^^=

Thank you Catnip. I was hoping you'd respond. I hope you got my message under anniem's post. You are in my thoughts daily. Take care of yourself and I wish you all the luck, strength, love and support I could give. You stay strong as well. You are my inspiration.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

WHOA!!Wait a minute here!<BR>Do NOT provide ANY informaiton to her UNLESS it is through legal channels (albiet mediation, lawyers, WHATEVER). SHe is NOT privvy to ANY of that information AT THIS TIME!<BR>As for her maternity expenses, BULL!<BR>Does she not have insurance? If so, her insurance pays the bills. Your H and her are NOT married therefore as far as I know, he is not responsible for those bills (UNLESS you guys are adopting her child then that changes it a bit)<BR>BTW, what is this settlement offer? I have NEVER heard of that? Make sure you discuss that as well. As far as I know, a father can NOT have his rights termintated therefore he is resposnsible for CS until said child is 18 (that is why I have NEVER even requested CS, my children are MY responsibility!). I don't think a settlement will relinqish the CS responsibility. IT sounds to me like this so called woman is taking you guys for a MAJOR ride. Be careful and talk to someone QUICK and DO NOT give her any information. Good luck!!!<P><BR>

lostsoulmate, I agree with everyone else, it seems like paterity would have to be established before she could go after anything.It sounds like she thinks she was just a fly that landed in the wrong place and got pregnate. My husband had a something like this done to him from a time before I had meant him. she waited 4 1/2 years though. She was going after about 40,000 and it turned out to not even be his child. We had to pay for the draw but the state picked up the rest. It cost $125.00. Dont let the fruit loop get to ya ! with love flowerseed

Dear LSM,<P>Please do not let people scare you unnecessarily. OW often have nothing to lose and they would resort to any intimidation to get what they want. The witch in our case was only frightened after she was imprisoned. Once out of the lockup, the witch started threatening and intimidating us and all our family members again. It extorted a large sum of dosh.<P>The police and my friend in the police were after her case, and they are so familiar with these tactics from scorned fruit loops (thanks flowerseed).<P>So, like you are wisely advised, get legal aid. You don't even have to divulge information to the police without the presence and advice of a lawyer, let alone some fly (thanks flowerseed again) who thought she hit jackpot.<P>God help you<BR>take care<BR>weep

Thank you all. Duraine again I know part of your situation and appreciate your reply.<P>That was my first thought. Yes this girl has insurance so I'm wonderin if she's that greety that she wants us to split the co-payments with her. I'm discusted anyone would do this. Mostly because this takes away from my baby. And that I just can't stand. Does she want us to pay for her maternity clothes?<P>Maybe she's just going for gold. And that scares me more.<P>Let me ask you all this. She has yet to e-mail us her laywers name. What do you think would be the reason she isn't providing this info? Do you think she's just going to serve us then? Without any attempt at cooperation?<P>I feel so helpless everyone. I'm sorry I'm begging for so much advice. Bear with me.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

LSM,<BR>If she has yet to email you her lawyers name than chances are she DOESN'T have one.<BR>This is sounding more and more like extortion to me. Get that paternity test done. Worse case scenairo, go through the courts in order to PROTECT YOURSELF. Maybe this child isn't your H's afterall. Maybe she has just "targeted" him. Who knows? Although I am not fond of court (have not and will not go through that arena!), in your situation it MIGHT,or might not , help you....<BR>Get a lawyer, get paternity established (probably cheaper through Child Support enforcment than privately), and than if the child does turn out to be your H's (I have a STRONG feeling it isn't, the OW seems TOO "sneaky"), maybe then you can work out something in terms of CS. Good luck to you. But don't get scared or bullied by the person. Take care.....<BR>

If the OW has an attorney, you should have received a notice of representation AND the attorney would be the one contacting you to ask for information, not her. If she's trying to get info herself, then she might be filing Pro Per (as her own "attorney"). In any case, don't be afraid of her "just serving you". It's just a formality that you shouldn't fear. Once you're served, you'll have an opportunity to respond and then go for mediation. Mediation is mandatory in California. Like Heavenly said, stick to the facts and keep a cooperative demeanor with the mediator. Don't let her tug you into an emotional/personal battle with her. Treat it as a business relationship and remain formal with her. If she truly has an attorney, there is no need for her to contact you. Let her know that you would prefer contact to remain formal and to be conducted through your attorneys…after all, that is what they are being paid for (to act on behalf of their client). Advise her that you are not comfortable with divulging such personal information to her and that you need to receive a notice of representation from her attorney. Once that has been done and you have been served with the necessary paperwork, you will provide whatever information is requested by THE COURT…and that this will be done through your attorney (if you get one).<P>As for your concern about paying for maternity expenses, she can only attempt to recover half of her pre-natal MEDICAL costs. One other thing, if your H is the father, he will only be responsible for child support back to the date she filed….unless she's received any kind of state aid.<P>I'll be honest with you. I'm in the same situation she's in and MY biggest fear is the custody issue. That's your trump card, if you choose to use it. I'm very afraid of being separated from my baby for any amount of time. But I have an even greater fear of not formalizing custody and risking him taking my baby without my consent, which could lead to an even greater mess that would have to be sorted out in court anyway. The H in my situation has stated that he will give me what I want in regard to custody, so my intent is to get it court sanctioned as quickly as possible. Like you, I feel the need to protect myself and my family. You have every right to. I offer you my prayers and hopes for a good outcome.<P><BR>For anyone else who reads this, I truly do apologize for invading your haven. The only reason I'm doing so is because I believe I have something to offer this lady. Please allow me to do this.

lostsoulmate, Make sure you keep copys of all the crap this fly is sending you , if it turns out not to be your husbands, I would think you would have grounds for a lawsuit. I can not imaigine in a millon years getting knocked up from a married man and then extorting money for it. To me these woman are nothing but prostitutes. It makes me so mad I think I need to become a lawyer and do something about it. Oh and I just love how they worry about there children being in a cusdty battle but dont give one s*** about the wife or her kids. It really sounds like this could possible not be your husbands. Pray to god we all will for you. I wouldnt believe anything the tramp has to say either the one I mentioned eariler told the D.A. that she had not had sex with anyone else that was even wrote up in the papers we recieved. Gee I wonder how she got pregnate than since it wasnt my husbands. With love flowerseed

LSM,<P>Just caught up on what is happening with you and I am glad to hear you say that you are getting a referral for a lawyer from a family friend.<P>While all lawyers have the same basic education, there are wide differences in effectiveness and style. It is always best to be referred by someone you know and trust who has had success and a good experience.<P>Seems like you have everything under control now. Just keep calm (at least on the outside!) and keep your wits about you. At a time like this people tend to get off balance and that is when they make serious errors in judgement.<P>We are all praying for you -- and maybe, as the others have said -- your story will have a happier ending and the OC won't even be your H's.<P>God bless you and give you strength,<BR>- heavenly

Duranie, Ohbratti thank you both for your input. It means a great deal.<P>I just continue to wonder what this girl is up to. At first I had fantasy's that she was lying about even being pregnant just to try to keep my H in the picture. But now I don't believe that's true. It's just gotten way to out of hand. The laywer we were referred to is completed overloaded. So we are getting referred again. I'm getting nervous and just would feel so much better if we found someone. I believe this girl is being sneaky and underhanded and for one reason only. Because my H decided to stay with me.<P>Heavenly thank you for checking in on me. I only dream that the baby isn't my H's. But given that it is and is born healthy I am encouraging him to pursue a relationship. The OW lives less than 2 miles away from us and knowing my H and his deep loyalty to blood I can just see this eating away at him. This was a hard thing to do since I don't know where that would put me. But I think it was the right thing to do. I'll keep you all posted on the outcome and if we can finally find a lawyer. I thank you all so much again for your support. I wish there was a way I could express the appreciation. God Bless. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"