<BR>H and I have been doing well lately...We've been communicating and not fighting; I'm now the safe haven from OW...He's talking about how he's miserable; but he hasnt come right out and said he's made a mistake...and hasnt appologized either. He did say that he still cares and that "he will always love me" (by the way; is that just a line?) The one sticking point that I have is that he is 2 payments behind in child support. How can I want to get back with this man who doesnt care about our children enough to make sure that they have food in their mouths our a roof over their heads...Yes; I do make a good living; but it just isnt enough...besides; there is no excuse...other than OW. She is controlling the purse strings and every move he makes...Could that be the problem? The thing that scares me is that we are getting closer to talking about reconciling again; and we are getting close again and getting along; but the state is about to put him behind bars and I am deathly afraid that that will put the nail in the coufin and the marriage will be over because he will blame me. I need the money; but dont want to see him in jail...But on the other side of it; if he goes to jail; that is 21 days away from OW; maybe this will help him clear his head...I just dont understand how he can say he cares about us (me, our d and s) and not help me take care of them...regardless of what the bimbo says. I guess we all just think differently because if it were me who cheated and had lost my children; regardless of what my lover said; i would make sure that they are taken care of and do my part; regardless of what he said...I dont understand. Does it mean that he doesnt care? Please shed some light..Why should I even try to save this marriage if there is no hope?

Boy, I sure hate to sound suspicious, but do you think he is being nice in the hopes that you will NOT pursue the CS? I know that sounds very mean spirited of me. Sorry.<P>Alone, I think it is very important that you r family reconcile. But it cannot be at the expense of your children's well being. I am sure he is paying other bills (car note, food, etc.). His children should be the first "bill" that gets paid. If he cannot afford that, then he needs to get back home or get OW to pitch in on paying CS. <P>I believe in letting folks take the consequences of their actions. He knows what his will be if he fails to pay for his children. <P>I am so sorry. Carolyn

He is having trouble affording everything....Not just child support...I dont have a choice but to make him pay...it's out of my hands now. That's why I got the order in the first place. I didnt trust him to do the right thing. I know his car note is behind because they called me looking for him; and of coarse you know I told him Everything I knew! I love him and want to make things work...but youre right; not at the expense of my babies...They deserve not to have to watch me scrimp and save and struggle to make their dreams come true. I didnt make them by myself and I sure as heck didnt ask for this situation....H would be better off financially with me...but as he said before he left; money isnt everything; but he will soon find out how important it really is. If he was being nice because of the child support and in hopes that I wont pursue him; shame on him...However; that letter that he got giving him 21 days to pay up to date didnt come from my attorney; it came from the clerk of court and the state and it says in the letter that there is nothing that the custodial parent can do to stop the action; that there is a court order in affect and to cure the problem and default; he must pay up to date. So, I dont think that's it...at least I hope not. I think he's looking for a friend and maybe a shoulder to cry on and I've always been there before; why not now? I hope that I am not setting myself up for another fall because I just dont know if I can take another "defeat". Like I said..OW is calling ALL of the shots..SHE has a lot to do with what he does and does not do. SHE doesnt collect child support on her other [censored] child from another marriage she broke up; so she doesnt feel that it is necessary for my H to pay up...She and all of her wisdom was who caused my H to loose everything...She and all of her wisdom will cause him to end up in jail...I wonder how she will like sitting at home alone for 21 days while her married lover spends time in jail because of her so called "wisdom" The hussy doesnt even have a high school diploma. This is why she is where she is in life; nowheresville and noone wants her but my misguided H and at this point Im not even sure he wants her. She cant even get her own man; so she preys upon married men who are not secure enough in themselves and their marriage due to their spouses success...My promotion in Sept 99' is what caused this...at least to some degree...I make more money than he does and it was taking more of my time than he was used to; so he turned to her. I'm not making excuses; im just saying I understand; <BR>With the money situation; I may be diluting myself; but I know things are very tight for them (too bad) but I do feel for him (a little); however not at my expense...which it has been to some degree at this point. OW only makes $6.50/hr (which is pretty sad since her married lover is her boss) so they really dont have a lot of money and since I got her government assistance taken away things have gotten more tight..(I'm so sorry! My tax dollars are NOT financing their little love nest!) I just dont know what to think.

Alone, it sounds like you are doing the best path that you can. Your H is reaping benefits of HIS actions and unfortunately not much that you do will change the out come. If court wants to come after him, sounds like they will do it. You have filed for support for a couple of reasons, but the most important one is because it is what is owed to your children. Don't feel bad that the debt is costing him in any manner. I am VERY sure that if he went to court & offered some sort of plan, they would go along. After all, what good does it do to put him in jail? They really don't want to feed him for 3 weeks. Has you H made any effort along that line? Of course, it is up to him to try & settle with them. You cannot do it for him<P>Please don't feel bad that you have a decent job & can take care of your children. If you were spending more time on the job, well it still isn't your problem that he turned to her. It is just an excuse on his part. Folks with weak characters are always looking for reasons & excuses. The option of turning to you & discussing problems was not the option he chose. I am sure at the time it seemed too hard. Well look at what the other choice brought.<P>Your H is lucky you would still consider having him back. If he is willing to sit in this mess he has made for himself and let OW call the shots... well Alone I think you may just be too good for him. Sorry to have to say that.<P>As long as you are making choices based on what is best for your children and family, you will be on the right course. There are some people in this world who cannot for some reason be adult enough to take responsibility for their lives. Your H may just be one of them. I am sure he loves his children, but just cannot do what it takes to put them first. There are folks in this world like that. They don't try to be evil. They just seem to have a hard time putting the needs of a child first. My brother is one of those folks, which is why I am now raising his D. Who knows what goes on in their minds. I raised my step-daughter from age 8 (she will be 21 next month). In all those years her mother called maybe 10 times and seldom ever sent gifts (if she did send something it was several weeks late... combination Christmas, Valentines, birthday, etc.... what a joke). This child would ask me "how come my mom doesn't ever call me?". I remember telling her "honey, your mom loves you, I am sure of it. But she just has other things that she has to do first". It was a crappy answer, but I honest to God couldn't figure out what else to say. To this day I don't think I could come up with a better answer. Her mom told everyone how much she "loved" my step-D. Weird love if you ask me.<P>Take care... Carolyn

Carolyn,<P>As much as I hate to admit it; I think everything that you are saying is right. You hit the nail on the head. He doesnt take responsiblity for HIS actions and it's always someone else's fault...and I cannot for the life of me understand how in the heck I can still be in love with this man who has not paid one red cent to help take care of his children this year. I dont want him to go to jail; well; maybe I do-because then he will have plenty of time to think of the mess that he has made of his life and the role that this so called "wonderful" woman that he "is in love with" played in that. The other thing that I am having a hard time understanding is how he can be so lazidaisical about our children....He is free to come see them everyday of the week...They stay with his mom while I am at work; He doesnt make the effort..the only child that is important to him at this time is the [censored] child and that irritates me to no end!!!! I try not to get angry about it; but my children need him more than that darn baby; she doesnt even know he is there for goodness sakes...She could care less as long as she has food in her mouth and a bed to sleep in...I know I shouldnt feel resentment to this child because it's parents were so irresponsible and careless and thoughtless of how many people's lives this would mess up...Not just their own; but her other illegitimate child who is 6; Me, my two children; my family; His family; his friends...it's a domino effect that just keeps going and going and going like the energizer bunny. I keep trying to bring him home and some days things look positive and we get along great; but then there are days when I wonder; "This man is not providing for his family now; and he really didnt provide when we were together-there NEVER seemed to be enough money-but he was hogging it all and giving me an allowance; so I never knew what we had and didnt have; so why do I even want to reconcile with this man and put myself through this heartache day after day after day-when I can just bow out of this with grace and dignity now; and just explore what is out there for me and my children? I deserve so much more than that and I am better than this; but I love him and am committed to making my family work and stay together" I get so hopeless confused about what is best for me and my children-on one hand; it would be nice to have him home to help out financially and physically; but then on the other hand; he's not reliable and obviously I cannot trust him for more than one reason; he doesnt even care about a court order...It makes no difference to him...I just pray that he will come out of this and stop letting HER control his life and be a man and do the right thing where MY children are concerned...I am not even the issue any more; it's them. I care about them and their future...if he doesnt care about that;then I will find someone who does!!!

aloneandsad, i don't know what to say. usually i can talk about anything, but there are times here on the board that i read something and can't think of anything to say.<P>all i can say for sure is that you are doing all you can. you were not at fault. and you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. take care. <P>happy_girl

Missy, in another post you mentioned that your child birth experience had been hard & that H then wanted this third child after you took on a new job. That he wanted a child against all rational thought & consideration to your health. And it seemed he wanted this so that you would incur maternity leave right after taking new position. Wow... that is some deep rooted issues there. He seems to have some VERY serious insecurities. And if he was always giving you an allowance, etc with money, well in my opinion (hey... I have one of those TV degrees that you get in six weeks & can then be a practicing guru).. well he has some real big security issues. Maybe he knows the OW is not very smart & will never be a challenge. He could NOT have wanted a third child, especially when he treats the first two this poorly. Gee whiz, he almost has to work to avoid them with your MIL taking care of them. <P>A man with that many issues needs counciling. I don't know if I would want him back, but then... I am a bit of a calleous person I guess. Easy for me to decide what YOU should do and I sit here and can't figure my own position out! Guess I am about as bad as some of the other "do-gooders" who can run everyone's lives. <P>I hope you are feeling better. You have sought so hard for answers, but they can only come from him and I don't know if he can come to terms with who he is & what he is doing. I don't know that there is anything you have overlooked. No magic formula. Take care... Carolyn

UPDATE!!!**********<P>He was doing the right thing!! He was paying-it wasnt being credited!! He showed me the money orders!!! Hallelujah!! He's not so bad afterall!!<BR>Apparently shes not controlling things as much as she would like!!! God is good!!! keep up those prayers for me and everyone out there because I believe in the power of prayer!!!!<P>Aloneandsad (Missy)

Dear Missy<BR>I havent been here in a long time so I dont know your whole story, but honey my heart has gone out to you. The OW was calling a lot of shots in our life for a long time, but that is over. Now she gets no calls. Too bad so sad for her. How your heart must ache. I still cry at night when I think of the nights when I was alone and H was with her. I remember so clearly to wrenching pain. Hang in there honey, God is so good.<BR>BTW, if ow is calling ALL the shots is she telling him to talk to and see you? I bet the hussy isnt too happy about that. haha

Missy,<BR> For what it's worth, here is what the judge told my ex-son-in-law when we hauled him back to court for not paying his child support.<P> The ex-SiL said that he hadn't paid the CS for our grandson because he had been out of work a lot (a lie--he was working under the table), and when he was working, they were taking so much CS for another child he fathered after he and my daughter were divorced, blah, blah, blah.... BTW, his wife is now pregnant, and was in court with him.<P> Well, the judge looked at him and said, "They were taking child support out of your pay for a child born after your divorce? Let me tell you something, young man. This child, born of your marriage, gets the first cut out of your income. In other words, he eats at the dining room table; your illegitimate child born after your divorce will have to eat at the kitchen table, and the child your current wife is now carrying will have to eat on the back porch. From the looks of it, any other children of yours will have to get out and scratch with the chickens for their grub, so you'd better do something to stop having these babies you can't take care of." I do like a plain-spoken person! <BR>

Dear aloneandsad,<BR>I don't know if this will help or if i am giving you false hope. I was in a similar situation a little over 4 years ago. My husband was living with OW, who was pregnant with his child, while I was pregnant with ours at the same time. it sure looked impossible and everybody thought I was a fool for thinking about reconciliation. I did force the chid support issue for our other child. My husband had to pay, and it didn't affect our situation. So first off, I would advise you to make him pay. He knows in his heart that he has to. Second, I was calling and talking to him all the time with a bit of hope here and there given by him. He kept saying, "I'm thinking about coming back." it tore me apart. i finally decided that I couldn't keep opening myself up to that pain and asked him, "Where do you want to be twenty years from now? When you figure that out, let me know." Then I stopped all attempts to win him back. Three long painful days later, he came home and has not left since. I cannot begin to tell you how strong and wonderful our marriage has become. We have since had 2 more children, for a total of four. Sometimes it does work out. Our only problem now is coping with the fact that the OW, who is a trashy whore, will now be part of our lives forever - see my new post for more on that. Please don't give up hope. I don't know if your h. is just playing with your mind, but I know in my case our marriage survived and the same guy who seemed so terribly awful is now the greatest husband and father I have ever dreamed of. He has never ever given me reason to doubt his faithfulness again. Like I said, I hate to give you false hope, but i wish there had been somebody there to tell me a similar story when I was going through it. I felt like such a jerk for hoping, but I was right in the end.

by the way, has anyone told you that you could probably sue for her interfering in the marriage? I just now found out from my lawyer that I could have sued OW back when the affair was going on, although now that it has been over for so long i no longer have a case. Think about it.

cd<P>Thanks for your reply; I am just taking things one day at a time; He is giving hints of hope; He told me last weekend that he had no intentions of leaving-but he felt so guilty and so trapped that he didnt know what else to do. He was reminising about the past with me; and I said to him "So you do think about it" and his response "Sure I do; all of the time" I dont think I am getting false hope from anyone; the only thing that perplexes me about what he is saying and doing are two different things; he stayed around and talked to me for 45 minutes before the visit and brought the children home 45 minutes early so he could talk to me and not have to account for his time with the OW; He called me Tuesday at work to make sure I had received the money that he sent; I told him only part of it and he asked if we were going to be ok on that; and I told him yes; not to worry about it and he said he was worried because we (and I stress the word WE) are his responsibility...He said he wanted to make sure I was feeling ok because of the illness I had just suffered (I was almost suffering from pneumonia) I was telling him about the little things that I am doing for myself now; because I never got to do anything for myself before and then he said "yes you did" we bought you the DVD player and the WEBTV and I told him the DVD was a valentine's day gift from him which I now know was a guilt present..he said "If I was giving you a guilt present-I would have given you the truck" (He has a brand new truck) When he called me Tuesday-OW wasnt at work...I am not trying to be to optimistic; the only thing that discourages me is my mom; she is such a cynic and thinks the "niceness" towards me now and the changes are for motives less than pure-afraid of jail time-but he knows there is nothing I can do about that; I didnt initiate the proceedings-the courts did; and he wanted to claim one of our children on his taxes and I nipped that in the bud; i told him No...He continues to be nice to me; even though I told him no and that I had already filed with both children...I believe strongly in the power of prayer and I continue to pray every day that my husband will realize who and what that woman (if you want to call her that) really is. He's saying that he is going to marry her; but his actions are something different; some of my friends seem to think that he was trying to get my reaction...but my attorney even told me 5 months ago to be aware that might happen...I dont know what to think....Thanks for the advice everyone...Just continue to keep me and my family in your prayers...God says "Ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door shall be opened, seek and ye shall find" I truely believe that my husband will come home...I just have to keep on believing and praying...

oh missy, my prayers are with you. just try to keep a level head and don't get your hopes up either way. i pray your husband comes to his senses and comes home to you and your children. take care. <P>happy_girl

Happy_girl (and everyone else)<P>Thanks so much for your input and especially your prayers. I truely believe that the actions that he is showing me are truely a miracle from God. There is no other way to describe the changes. I hope for my sake that I am not setting myself up for a huge fall..but I have faith in God and I do truely believe that my prayers are being answered...little by little. After all, the Berlin wall didnt come down in a day and neither will that wall OW has created between him and I!! She is responsible for the end of my marriage....she preyed upon a weak man and took advantage of him..He even admitted to being "non-confrontational" which is how most of these things start from what I understand from Dr. H's principals. At least he recognizes it..That's the first step! I am encouraged because he is looking for another job AWAY from HER!!! Apparently spending 24-7 with her is too much. Also, she doesnt trust him; so it will cause more conflict than already exists between them. He and I are getting along better and SHE doesnt like this...they got in a huge arguement about it because she called me a B***h and he defended me. He told her if I am being that way; I have every right; she has NO right!!! And she has NO right to call the mother of his children that...and that really p***ed her off because then she wanted to know what she was...and she told him to get out...This was 3 weekends ago...I just wish they would quit talking about getting married because they cannot make those plans because darnit, he's still married to me and it aint over till the fat lady sings and it sure aint over until GOD says it's over...and it seems as though things are in MY favor considering God doesnt like his bonds broken and divorcing would break the bond between my H, me and God...There is NO bond between God, my H and the mistress!!! The mistress is scorned unless she has a repentive heart and that she doesnt have because she justifies the affair by saying I was a horrible wife. Well, whatever!!! What does she know about being a wife? All she knows is how to make wives miserable and prey upon h!! Its not like this is the 1st marriage she has broken up and it sure wont be the last!!! She is nothing but a homewrecking whore who cares of nothing and noone but herself and her needs and when she's done she throws them (H's) away right along with her morals...I dont even think she cares about her children because if she did; she wouldnt have messed with a married man, brought a child into this world by a married man, and moved a married man into her house with her 6 year old daughter. What is she teaching that child??? Enough about her...I had done well when I stopped thinking about her...No anger or anything; until I think or talk about her and how many many lives she has torn apart!!!

aloneandsad, it looks like what she is teaching her child is to be just like her. She will pay in the end what goes around comes around. Just keep your head up hang in there dont let the piece of crap get to you. She will get what she has coming and I really dont think it will be pretty. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

Dear Sweetpea:<P>I loved your post to Missy, especially the quote from the judge.<P> "They were taking child support out of your pay for a child born after your divorce? Let me tell you something, young man. This child, born of your marriage, gets the first cut out of your income. In other words, he eats at the dining room table; your illegitimate child born after your divorce will have to eat at the kitchen table, and the child your current wife is now carrying will have to eat on the back porch. From the looks of it, any other children of yours will have to get out and scratch with the chickens for their grub, so you'd better do something to stop having these babies you can't take care of."<P>Nobody dares say such things in this time. It is unpopular to take a stand that if you have a child you should be able to provide for it, and that you have no right to demand that others sacrifice their time or money to enable your responsibility. <P>A main reason for marrying is to legitimize children and care for them and protect them, so that "society" will not have to shoulder the burden for the irresponsible parents. When an out of wedlock, fatherless child is born, the liberals raise their voices demanding the same security, benefits and even luxuries that thoughtful people who married and planned for their families sacrifice in order to have for their children. <P>The babies are innocents, but the parent who brings them into the world knowing full well that they don't have first dibs on the married parent's resources, those parents have no right to cry "My baby needs xy or z" if it means the firstborn children from the marriage will have to do without. <P>I will now step down from my soapbox.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess