<BR>Dear *******,<P>I am sending you this letter to let you know that I forgive you. I forgive you for your dishonesty, deceit, and disgusting behavior. However, my forgiveness does not excuse your reprehensible behavior and deceit. It just states that you owe me a debt, you know this and I know this, but it is a debt that can NEVER be repaid, so it is forgiven. It is forgiven so that we may go on with our lives in peace. I cannot continue to be angry with you because I can understand why you wanted my husband...He used to be a good, decent man before you hooked your claws into him. However, again I say to you, that understanding does not excuse your behavior. I still do not trust you and probably never will and even though I do not know you personally and dont care to, I can see through you and size up your moral character a lot faster than most who know you. To say that I forgive you in Biblical terms is to say that I love you as my neighbor-however, you did not love me, my children or even my husband very much when you came into our family and ripped it apart. I am not standing in judgement of you, but you will suffer the consequences of your actions someday...maybe not today, tomorrow, next week. or even next year, but you will pay for the offenses committed against my family. It is not for me to say how or when, my sister in Christ, but it will happen. I will let God handle your punishment. Remember "In the beginning, God created them male and female and the male shalt leave his mother and father and be joined with his wife and they shalt become one flesh, let no man (or woman) separate what God has joined together." I will leave you with that. I can end this with a clear conscience knowing that I have done the right thing. Again, I remind you "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and apparently, you didnt love yourself very much when you slept with a married man (MY husband) and broke up our family. You sure didnt love his (our) children very much either, so spare me the garbage that you would never hurt my children because that is an outright lie! You already have! No matter how you justify your actions; the blame for all of this lies on your shoulders. You could have sent this misguided married man home to his family and if the two of you were truly meant to be together; God would have provided, but instead, you broke his comandments and went with your needs of the flesh. May God keep you and bless you and your children. You are forgiven.<P>In God's love and forgiveness,<P>Melissa<p>[This message has been edited by aloneandsad (edited February 01, 2001).]

It's a beautifully written letter, and I hope it helped you feel better; but, don't send it to her. <P>She doesn't care what she did to your family, and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of reading about your pain. That would be giving her power over you. Don't give it to her.

Hi Melissa,<P>First of all, I understand where you are coming from, as a Christian BS. I've thought of doing the same thing, but my letters/thoughts always came out like yours.<P>I have two comments to make....this is just my opinion, and I'm not meaning to be harsh:<P>1) Has this woman ASKED for your forgiveness? <P>2) This letter is for you, not her. <P>Thruought the letter, you say you won't judge her and that you love her as a sister in Christ, but I find this letter very judgmental.<P>Forgiveness means to grant a pardon, to cancel a debt, to cease to feel resentment against. Have you REALLY forgiven her? To pardon means to release from liability. You seem to be hammering her over the head with all her horrible acts, while in the next breath saying you forgive her. That's like saying "you're a dirty, rotten, slimy, sinner who doesn't deserve life, but I, in my magnamousness, forgive you."<P>It comes across as self-righteous. And maybe you are more righteous than her, but forgiveness isn't the vehicle for pointing that out.<P>When God forgives us, He acts as if it didn't happen. He removes our sins as far away as the east is from the west. I'm not saying you CAN even forget what's happened....we're not God. But that doesn't mean you should keep throwing it up in every sentence and then end it all by saying "I forgive you."<P>Assuming she didn't even ask for your fogiveness....whay should she even CARE how you feel about her? She'll probably just say "I don't need or want your forgiveness." You cannot be her conscience. She is in la-la land and it's the Holy Spirit who will convice her, not your letter. If she is a sister in Christ, she KNOWS where her actions will ultimately lead her. <P>It seems like you are trying to teach her what a immoral person she is, while showing her what a generous person you are. Won't work.<P>If you truly do forgive her, then if I were you, I would take this letter, say a prayer to God and burn it as a symbol of your committment to forgive her and others. If you can do that...actually forgive her in your heart without even uttering a word....then maybe you really have forgiven her.<P>All I ask is that you check your motives. When/if the time comes that she ASKS for your forgiveness, then you will be able to give it freely and non-judgementally.<P>I hope you take this in the way I meant it....in love. Like I said, I wanted to do the same thing many times, but I had to keep checking my motives. All my letters sounded the same way as yours. <P>I'll say a prayer for you.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Thanks SweetPea and Mrs. O;<P>I have decided not to send the letter...Just keep it as a journal of my thoughts...Until my husband comes home. Mrs. O-Believe it or not; I truly do forgive her; but I still may hold a bit of resentment..I am not angry with her anymore-although it may sound it..I guess more than anything..I was hoping that if I decided to send it; she would see the light of God and do the right thing and send my husband back home where he belongs. Maybe I am judging her and being a little self rightous and I will have to deal with God on my own terms for that. Forgiveness and being judgemental and self righteous are all separate issues...and I must answer to God for that...Just like she is the one who will have to answer to him for her misgivings-if she is truly repentive..and I know you are both right that she doesnt care if I forgive her or not...all she knows is the here and now and what she is concerned with is the fact that she "WON"....and that's fine; I accept my defeat and have peace with it-I just keep praying that my husband will realize what he had in "us" and come home. I actually feel sorry for her because she will ALWAYS be looking over her shoulder at me. I wouldnt want to live like that...Believe it or not; ive rewritten the letter several times since I posted and they all came out sounding like that and that's part of the reason I am not sending it...It is an improvement from the one I wrote when I first learned of the affair...That one was NOT nice at all...I know that I cannot save her from herself and change her...I knew this in my heart when I wrote it...I wanted to just tell her; but she is just nasty with every encounter; so I thought a letter might be the best avenue...At least I know in my Gut how I feel and I dont hate her anymore; I really dont feel anything for her...but pity.<P>thanks, I appreciate it...that's why I come here! As hard as some of it may have been to hear (Mrs. O); but I appreciate your candor and honesty.<P>God bless you!<BR>Alone

missy, i think that it is a good idea not so send the letter. i don't have much else to add except i find it very helpful to write down my feelings to people, in letter form even if i never plan on sending them. and when you read them later, you see how far you have come. take care missy. i know you are suffering. god bless you and your children, and i pray your husband will come home soon.<P>happy_girl

I agree with not sending it. Honestly and with no offense intended, this doesn't sound really forgiving; it sounds like a lecture, one I'd give myself! And the XOW probably wouldn't "get it" anyway. <P>With cyberhugs and all best wishes to you, your children, your healing and wholeness!<BR>Jenny<P>

Thanks Jenny and happy_girl;<P>No offense taken Jenny-I need to re-examine my heart and do a Gut check..I thought that I had forgiven her-or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of that? I still have such mixed emotions and I am trying not to let my emotions rule me. I want to forgive-truly I do. I'm trying my best to do the right thing for everyone...I guess I thought that since I could forgive my H that I could forgive her...but the truth is I love my H so it is easier to forgive those that we love even if they hurt us deeply-so deeply that our hearts may never completely heal...it as not as easy to forgive OW because I dont know her and never had a relationship with her other than brief encounters at my H place of business or on the phone...I havent seen her since the baby was born except in passing (while she was hiding in the back of my H truck-she's lucky at that time that I restrained myself from ripping her eyes out because it was shortly after she hit my 3 year old son) The letter that I wrote back in July is completely different from this one-full of hate and contempt-although you guys apparently see a different prospective on this one. I'm going to look back on this letter in 6 months and see how I feel then and see how my thoughts have changed. It definately helped to write down my feelings and get them out there-even though I can never send this letter. Even if it werent so "judgemental" I still couldnt send it because it would bring her into my world...and allow her to know my pain and she doesnt need to know that I am STILL hurting 8 months later. She already thinks she is "the better woman" because she "won" my H from me and I dont need to give her anymore ammunition. I really do want to forgive her and I thought I had-but re-reading my letter and re-examining my self-maybe I havent truly forgiven her. <P>Betrayal is a hard thing to overcome and what I cant understand is how someone I didnt even know would have that desire in her heart to deliberately hurt me and my children without any remorse or forethought. Maybe I'm naive. I could never do something like this (especially when I KNOW there are children involved!!) In the midst of all of this; I am now dealing from betrayal from my father as well-so maybe a little of that is coming out in the letter as well. Like I said-I think I'll just keep it to myself and look back in a few months and see how far I've come!!!<P>Keep praying for me and my H-On Thursday we had a long conversation (about 20 min) on the phone. It was refreshing..I kept telling him I had to go (because I was at work and it was end of month number crunching time and the figures had to be in by 3 pm) but he kept talking...and I kept listening. We laughed and joked. I still believe that he Will come home-it's just that I have to slowly get the venom out of him that she has poisoned him with..show him how loving I can be and that my home is "safe" unlike hers where there is domestic violence going on. They cannot truly love each other with that mess going on. H mother seems to think that there will not be a marriage between OW and H...and that H may want to come home...I'm not getting my hopes up-but you know what they say about mother's intuition? We will see how this weekend goes-it is visitation weekend...last time H came 45 min early to just "talk" and brought the children home 45 min early to "talk" some more. I think he is trying to see where my head is...I know my H and if I go back over the last year-he was in denial for months and never thought that I would tell him to get out (of coarse now-I'm regretting that) because I never thought that I could forgive him and get past it.<P>Thank you all again!<BR>alone(Missy)

Dear Aloneandsad,<BR>I have been thinking about you so much. Wondering how it is going for you. I am praying SO HARD for you that your h will realize what he is missing and come home to you. When he comes to pick up the kids, have your place looking, smelling, feeling as warm and homey as possible. Do candles, have a pie in the oven (or some such silly thing) Remind him of what a real home is. I am sure that sleazy ow is not concentrating on things like that with a new baby in the picture. make sure you have planned some fun family events for you and the kids to do during the coming week, even if it's just going out to MCDonald's, that you can mention to him in an offhanded manner, so that he feels the pull of his family life. I spoke to my h about this, and he said that more than anything, it was the little things like this that he missed, the peace and comfort of his real home and family that pulled him away from the false happiness with ow. He said that sometimes when he was with ow he tried to imagine that time had stopped on our end, at that he wasn't really losing precious moments, but when he knew we were doing things without him, living the life of a family without him, it was making his heart churn every second. Show your h where his real life is. Make your home one filled with love, laughter, and caring. I know that you already know this stuff, but I just want you to know how much I am wanting this to happen for you. God must have an entire ear-full of my prayers on this alone. Good luck and God bless. - cd

Alone, I have not posted on this yet since it made me so sad. I am glad you are not going to send this. The one thing that keeps me from having any contact with OW is that I WILL NOT give her any control over my thoughts or actions. That includes thinking about her in any way. I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing that I spent 10 minutes even bothering to write a letter to her. <P>These folks are not functioning on the same level as you and I are. They are not concerned about their children, your children, morals, society, families, their eternal souls or anything else. They just don't function the way we do. So contacting her and trying to get her to see these concepts is a waste of time. Might as well spend your time teaching pigs to speak French. It is a waste of your time and the pigs are never going to be put in a position to use all this knowledge! After all, who would EVER take them to France!<P>Keep writing your letters to yourself, your husband and us. That is a productive activity that you will benefit from. Take care... Carolyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by takingcare:<BR><B>Alone, I have not posted on this yet since it made me so sad. I am glad you are not going to send this. The one thing that keeps me from having any contact with OW is that I WILL NOT give her any control over my thoughts or actions. That includes thinking about her in any way. I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing that I spent 10 minutes even bothering to write a letter to her. <P>These folks are not functioning on the same level as you and I are. They are not concerned about their children, your children, morals, society, families, their eternal souls or anything else. They just don't function the way we do. So contacting her and trying to get her to see these concepts is a waste of time. Might as well spend your time teaching pigs to speak French. It is a waste of your time and the pigs are never going to be put in a position to use all this knowledge! After all, who would EVER take them to France!<P>Keep writing your letters to yourself, your husband and us. That is a productive activity that you will benefit from. Take care... Carolyn </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hello all.<BR>I have been reading here since my own devastation in September. I have not posted and I had thought of sending a similar letter to Ow.<BR>Just knowing the joy she would receive from knowing the pain she caused was reason enough for me not to write or mail her.<BR>The OC was born in November and she mailed me an invitation to the baby shower and a copy of the birth certificate showing she named him Jr. So now the H has two sons with his name. We go for the conference for CS in two weeks. She refused to have paternity test done through-out the pregnancy.<BR>I learned about the affair and the pregnancy from a message the OW left on the machine. <BR>I have some good days now that I changed the phone number. <BR>After 23 years of marriage this is a strange place to be and sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going.<p>[This message has been edited by husrtsomuch (edited February 02, 2001).]

Dear Aloneandsad,<BR>Regarding the letter: In the middle of my h's affair, i went personally to see ow. I begged her to leave my h alone, told her that i needed him home and that my son and I were hurting. told her that we barely had enough to eat and that son sobbed in his sleep missing his daddy. i asked her to look inside herself and be compassionate, do the Godly thing, and release him to us. Mind you, I was all but on my knees in front of her. She laughed at me. Went on to describe how much pleasure she got from my h's lovemaking. Had a grand time the next few days recreating the whole pitiful scene to her friends and coworkers. I'm afraid your ow will do the same. Do not open yourself up to this. I know that you are thinking you can shock her into having morals, but you can't. Concentrate on your h. Tell him how you know deep inside he is good. Tell him you still want a life with him. I know you have already said you wouldn't give her the letter, I just wanted to reiterate what a sound decision you are making. Going to the ow only reinforces their feelings of superiority.<BR>love, cd

husrtsomuch, I am so sorry you have had to go thru this it amazes me as to how awful these pigs can be. The ow cannot refuse a paterenty test if she is going after your h she has to take the oc in for one. Talk about harrassment I think this one takes the cake. with love flowerseed <p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited February 02, 2001).]

Thanks guys (gals)!<P>I appreciate all of the feedback...Hurtsomuch-I am so sorry that happened to you. I have talked to my OW on the phone a couple of times and it was not a pretty thing..She almost got me fired...Since then-I have had no contact with her whatsoever and dont intend to unless absolutly necessary. It would be much to painful...and Gosh; to hear how it was for her to make love to my husband...Oh my heavens-stick me in a padded cell and throw away the key. I am praying for us all...Of coarse you know my own needs are at the top...I couldnt imagine hearing about HER being with my husband. I have imagined it several times; but I dont want to hear about it. I think we are on our way back...I just have trouble believing that it will happen considering he is going home to his mistress every night and getting in the bed with HER when he should be getting into bed with me!!! I try not to think about that fact too much because if I did; I would never sleep.<P>God bless you all! Thanks again-and cd, I appreciate your advice-A friend of mine told me to do the same thing-she also told me to go the the Adult store and buy some "lotion" with pharamones in it that is supposed to drive the opposite sex crazy. Ill keep you guys posted-good or bad...This weekend should be an interesting one...I do know this.