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Joined: Sep 2000
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Unlike Gem, this is a gift I could have done without. I'm glad hers was good. Anyway, I received a letter in the mail addressed to my W from the medicaide office. I wondered if it had something to do with paternity, so I just held it up to the light to see if I could see something..and I did. It had the notice of insured to the OC which did indeed have the OM's last name. I kind of expected this, but it still made my day just go BLAH-H-H-H. I knew W had used the OM's mom's name for the OC's middle name, but this just added a little bit more pain to the mix..sort of like a little pinch of salt to the wound!! Do you ever get to the point that you just throw up your hands and say "THAT'S IT, YOU HAVE HURT ME ENOUGH!!"??<BR>My BIL sent me and email yesterday that said he did not know his sister anymore..meaning he had no idea what she was doing. He thinks she is telling everyone what they want to hear individually..even the OM. He told me how much he respected me and was glad the kids were with me. I appreciated that so much. <BR>Floored

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Oh, Floored. When is this nightmare going to end. I am so sorry your heart is so heavy...what's left of it. I, too, wondered back in early 1999 when I would feel enough be enough. Such a hard call...we all so want to make sure that we are making the right decisions and hoping that somehow we will know when the timing is right to make necessary changes...we are afraid to act too hastily 'just in case'.<P>One never really knows, do they? We have to run on timelines and gut instinct; we have to determine whether or not our spouse is sick and needs help or if they are just willful, selfish and evil. Then we have to determine if the pain they have caused is something we can forgive and live with.<P>I am fortunate enough to have an almost idyllic situation...now. But it came at a huge price. I endured for almost two years before the turn around, but once the turn around came, I am stunned at the avalanche of good that has come. My healing only just began in October so I have a long way to go, but with my husband on medication, his true personality has emerged. He is no longer drinking and is now focused on me and on us.<P>I find I have a lot of demons I battle even though he is consistently wonderful now. I worry that this is not real, or he is not sincere when he has probably never been more so. So it has become my problem.<P>We're in so much pain anyway, regardless of what stage we are in with our spouse. Even those of us in recovery, true recovery, have occasional heartburn over the events that changed the fabric of the marriage. And then the fallout we experience, the triggers and issues that will dog us the rest of our lives have to be considered. You get to a point where decisions have to be made.<P>Your wife has just given birth and is still in immeasurable emotional upheaval not sure of anything because her hormones are whacked and her thinking is warped. She isn't seeing things the way they really are and will probably go through months of surrealistic insanity, as you will, until decisions are made to either move forward together or find your own way alone.<P>Those are your choices, Floored. And soon you will know which route will be the best for you and your kids. The pain of rejection is what ties us to the offending spouse because we want so much to be desired and wanted above anyone else by them. We want to win. We want to be chosen. If it had been me or you to decide the marriage was over and moved on, our spouses would be the ones in pain where we are and not perched on high holding the cards.<P>Sometimes it is all point of view; sometimes it is the need to win, ego and being desired. I admit to the latter. It aint pretty, but it is true. And besides, I couldn't imagine my life without my husband and that all the hard work from the past twenty years was in vain and that what we had meant nothing. I couldn't bear it, so I stayed and fought until I was beaten and bloodied, but luckily, he came around himself. Just in time. You see, I had made a decision to move on, and I meant it, he knew it and it shook him to the core. He knew time and pateince had run out, and even though I struggled and died a thousand deaths over our imminent parting, I was ready to move on. That is when the changes began.<P>I'm not saying that this is something you should do, I'm just saying you will know when it is time to make life decisions. When you know you cannot take one more minute of the uncertainty is when you'll be able to seek what it is you must have to survive, and she will know that she played the game too long.<P>God bless and comfort you, Floored. You're in my prayers.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited February 14, 2001).]

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floored:<P>This is part of what Plan B is for, to insulate you from this crap.<P>Keep with the program. You're in my prayers!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Dear Floored,<BR>I was so hopeful for you when i saw the title of the post. I was thinking that maybe your wife did something - anything - nice for you. i am so sorry that I was wrong.<BR>I can't really add to much to what Catnip said except to say that I too came to a point in the midst of my h's ongoing betrayal that I could no longer do anything but choose to move on. I could no longer play his game. I, like Catnip, was blessed in that at the moment I made my decision, my husband realized that his time, his chance to come back, was slipping away fast.<BR>i am not suggesting - because I really don't know - that you are at or should be at that point now. I just want to let you know that there is almost an immense relief that comes when you find yourself at that point.<BR>My prayers continue to be with you.<BR>With love, cd<BR>ps. names can be changed. This can be undone, if you find that you still want it to be. Don't think that the name is a finality.

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Floored,<P>I am so sorry to hear about the news you received. I do not really have much to add to what the others have said. I agree with them that you will know when you have had enough. I will hope and pray that your W comes to her senses before you reach that point. Also, I wanted to express my admiration for your ability to offer comfort to me despite all the pain that you are going through. It means so much to me. Hope this helps a little.<P>Dolphin

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floored, i too was hoping for some good news. i am sorry your wife continues to throw more blows at you. like K said, this is why you are in plan B. i hope you are okay. my prayers for you and your kiddos.<P>happy_girl

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Geeze Floored...I can't believe that! OM could give his name while you're still married? UGH!!!! And she could use it even if she's married? <P>Plan B honey. I will pray for peace for you.<P>Cyber hugs to you.... Get some real hugs from your kids today too.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

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floored Offline OP
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Cat,<BR>How did you endure 2 yrs. of this terrible ride? I would love to get buried in an avalanche of good right now! I remember my W being emotionally wacked after our little boy was born early, but now I have a hard time seeing when the end of the hormonal upheaval will end. Does it ever really end?!! I think you are right on about wanting to be wanted by your spouse especailly now when you know they don't want you. What hurts so much is that I can remember the good times, but why can't she? Everyone says that I will know when it is time to move on, but what is that?..is it a peace that you have or a final painful act that puts you over the edge? I have found that no matter how painful the act, given a day or two I usually pray it away..does that make me too forgiving..will I ultimately reach my limit?<P>K, once again, you're right. I don't know what I would do if I was Plan A'ing and had to go through all of this pain. Like I asked Cat, how will I come to the point that I have had enough? I have a real peace right now and feel like I will be fine either way, but I still have a lot of hope that things will work out. It just seems like things are getting so complicated and my only motivation to reconcile is so my kids won't have to live without their mom.<P>CD, thanks for the post and sorry for the fake title to my post..I had just seen Gem's topic and thought that was a good title for Valentine's Day. Did you ever Plan B? Like K said I am so thankful I am in B. Thanks for the name change comment..sometimes I think of a situation as final, and I appreciate the thump on the head to snap me back to reality!!<P>Dolphin, Happy_girl, Gem, thanks for the prayers and good thoughts. Gem, in TX you can do whatever you want!! It may be a blessing that OM acknowledged paternity in case things don't work out with me and my W. At least there won't be a question as far as CS, and who knows, he may be willing to get out from under the CS if W and I reconcile. I hope OM is really strapped financially and starts to panic.<P>Does anyone know when CS actually starts? Will OM start to get the bills soon or does my W have to file for CS. Forgive my stupidity, but can a mother refuse to pursue CS or does the state require it when the child is on public assistance?<BR>Floored<P><p>[This message has been edited by floored (edited February 15, 2001).]

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Dear Floored,<BR>In Pennsylvania, mothers are "forced" to file child support under two conditions.<BR>1. if the mother is receiving cash assistance from welfare. They don't have to file if they are receiving medical assistance and/or food stamps.<BR>or<BR>2. If the mother has applied for subsidized child care.<BR>If the laws are the same where you are, and I'd guess they're pretty close, unless your wife has applied for cash assistance and/or subsidized child care, she doesn't have to file unless she wants to. and at this point, I would guess she doesn't want to yet.<P>Hope the thump on the head regarding name change wasn't painful.<P>I know its been said to death, but just remember when reality really starts to set in, which it hasn't yet, your wife's whole perspective on her "new life" is going to be shot to hell. I'm sure that it's easy for her at this point to be wrapped up in a fantasy world about the romance of her and om having a child together, but when the real facts sink in they are going to be like a big slap in the face. No doubt about it.<P>As to when you know you have come to the point of not being able to go on like this: I guess i can only say that when (and if) you get there, you will know without a shadow of a doubt. For me, it was almost as if God had written it down on a stone tablet and shoved it under my nose to read. i just KNEW. Like Catnip, i had bruised and bloodied myself trying to keep up hope. Almost like when you are holding your breath under water, you come to the point where you either HAVE to come up for air, or you will be forced to suck in dirty seawater and drown. it honestly comes to a point that is both as simple and as real as that.<P>I'm praying, praying, praying that God speaks to your wife's heart. God will soon be sick of hearing from me, I'm sure, at the rate I'm going lately.<BR>With love and continued best wishes,<BR>cd

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Floored,<P>I needed to sleep on this one, and have my brain totally cleared of the crazyness I went through yesterday before I could post to you. I didn't want to say something that didn't make any cense. We all know how I feel about your situation, and your W, so I won't get into that. What I do want to say is that I think you should continue in Plan B for the allotted time that Jen suggested to you. Especially if you can still "pray away" these feelings of having enough. <P>I wish I could get inside your W's head to see exactly what she is thinking! Through all that time that you were in Plan A, and have now switched to Plan B, she still doesn't seem to see the love you have for her. I really don't understand that at all. Or the fact that she isn't being the mother she should be to the other two children in her life! I know that on our D-Day, I offered to my H to leave, and leave him with the children, but I don't know if I could ever actually do that! There I went, ranting slightly about my feelings for what your W is putting you through. Sorry.<P>As for the CS, from what I have read from other's here, if the child is on state assistance, they will push the issue of CS as soon as they can. But that isn't from personal experience.<P>I will pray for your strength to sustane you in this time of frustration and pain. I wish I could do more.<P>Tigger<P>


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