I think I know the answer, but it just really pisses me off. I just came from my D's basketball game, where W came to see her play. It just hurts to see her and hear her talk about OC as if it's just the happiest thing in the world. I had to cover for her again when I took our kids to a kid function and someone asked if the baby had hair as blonde as it's brother and sister. I didn't know what to say, because I don't know! I guess that's why it bothers me so much when I see my W and she has no idea what pain it causes me when I hear her talk so happily about the single most painful thing I have ever been through. I just pray that these feelings of anger toward her brazen disregard of my feelings will pass. I can only hope that if/when she comes back to reality, she will have some idea of the magnitude of pain she has caused me, because it's obvious she doesn't feel it right now. <BR>Catnip, I know that you have said how sad and remorseful your H is now, but it took almost 2 years, I don't know if I can hold on that long. I hope it doesn't take that long!<BR>Floored

floored,<BR>I'm soooo sorry for your pain and your W's cruel obliviousness to it. She is either in her fog, or simply lacking humanity. I see why you should not have contact during Plan B and maybe you should consider switching off being at D's games... this is hurting you. Without you present, people can ask your W those painful questions. <P>Rooting for you,<BR>J

Floored:<P>Jenny's sentiments mirror my own. Plan B will insulate you from these horrible encounters that leave you feeling such pain. Plan B, Floored. Stay with it and don't cross paths with her.<P>My husband's remorse began almost immediately, but it was intermittent for the first six months after he came home. He was so screwed up and in such turmoil himself, he couldn't deal with his behavior and his actions. The remorse and regret kept building and building over the past 18 months and finally peaked out a couple weeks ago. At least I hope it is starting to level off because I don't know how much more he can take.<P>In the beginning, when he was away, he showed no remorse, just hostility and contempt and blatant disregard for my feelings. When he came back is when he showed the first stirrings of remorse so don't expect to see any remorse until when and if your wife returns. She needs to justify her actions right now, so she must pretend to be happy and excited about her present stage in life. My husband did the same thing. <P>He pretended he was happy and said he was relieved to be away from me. I would just look at him as if he were crazy and say "Why? Why on earth would you be releived to be away from me? I am the best thing that ever happened to you. You were always so happy with me and I have given you no reason in all these years to be glad to be away from me." <P>I refused to accept this indictment and I genuinely couldn't understand why he was'nt absolutely madly in love with me. Probably because it all happened so fast and we had been so happy for so many years. Maybe I am just conceited and thought I was a better wife than what he thought I was at the time. <P>All I know is that I put so much consciencous effort into being the best wife any man could ask for that his declarations that I fell short and he was glad to be rid of me, didn't compute. It confused me and put me off balance. And oddly enough, my reaction to him and my confidence in my position of spouse and lover, made him reassess the situation and led him home. <P>Projecting a new attitude of confidence in what you were and what you gave to the marriage certainly makes the wayward spouse look at their rejected spouse with renewed vision sometimes. If you act as if she is insane to have left you, insane to be rejecting you when you have so much more to offer and you are such a catch, my guess is that she will become confused as to her current mindset and begin questioning her choices.<P>Just my opinion based on what happened to me.<P>Catnip =^^=

Thanks Jenny and Cat. I had been switching off games with my W, but she is the one who refused to comply with that agreement. My D really wants me to be there and I'm torn - put up with my W's drama queen attitude, or hurt my D's feelings. There are only 3 more games this season, so I think I may bow out for one and ask W to do the same..that way we only have to see each other one more time. Cat, it's comforting to know that the WS' brazen attitudes are predictable, at least it is something we can prepare for. I just talked to my D and she said that they were going to the hospital to see OC. I sort of want her to see OM's last name on the babies isolet so that W will have to explain, but then again, I want to shield her from that pain. I just want something to jar my W's brain to snap her out of her "coma".<BR>Floored

Floored,<P>I have been trying to think of the right things to say to your post. I am at a loss, but something you stated today made me think a little harder. Maybe your D seeing that name for her sister will cause a reaction that will "open" your W's eyes, or clear her fog. She will see the pain that she is causing her other child, first hand. Kind of like what Gemini's son and H have gone through. If she is still in her little(big) fog, she won't realize what she is doing to hurt you, but if she is any kind of mother at all, she will see the pain she is causing her D, and if it is bad enough, it could knock her on her a$$!! Otherwise, I don't know what else to say to your situation. It makes me want to scream with each new antic she comes up with!! I really wish there was something I could tell you to do that would make her snap out of it, but there isn't. I'm sorry that I don't have anything else to offer about the situation. If your D does go, just be prepared to comfort her when she comes home. I know that I would be asking my mother why we are looking at this little girl if the last names were different, and so would my children. Aaahhh, the innocence of children. Maybe it will be our answer to our prayers for your W.<P>Tigger

Dear Floored,<BR>Please keep in mind as you read this that when I went through the stage similar to where you are now, I didn't have any idea about the Harley's principals - I wish I had because I think if I had done things the way they suggest, the whole a would have been ended far sooner. As it was, though, I was like a rat in a dark tunnel groping blindly for a way out. as luck would have it, I stumbled into a plan b of sorts that ended up working. so I will say this: I agree with Catnip in that you need to present confidence and what-not to your wife. Catnip talked about how her attitude of knowing she was a great wife forced her h to look at her differently. when I cut of contact with my h, I told him very plainly, (and I paraphrase now because I don't recall my exact wording) "Yes, I have made mistakes. I have not always been a good wife. But there is no doubt that I am still the very best thing that has, or ever will, happen to you. And if you choose to throw that away, that's your own problem. I now realize what mistakes I have made, and I have changed the way I act, the way I think, the way I feel a wife should be. I'm different now. I still think that no matter what I have done, you were lucky to get me. And I want to have the chance to show you how good it can be between us. But if you choose not to accept me as your wife, if you choose not to end this affair, know this: Someday, long after you have divorced me, some bright young man somewhere out there will realize what a wonderful prize I am and that fellow will be the one to find out what a great wife I can be. So I'm pretty confident my future will work out, one way or another. You, on the other hand, I see slinking from slut to slut, spending the rest of your life in short-term, go-nowhere, wake-up-in-the-morning-stinking-of-beer-and-wishing-you-could-chew-your-arm-off-so-that-you-don't-have-to-risk-waking-the ugly-whore-you-fell-into-bed-with-last-night relationships." I think about that time, my h started to realize that I wasn't a pot of stew he could keep on the back burner indefinitely, that sooner or later other vultures would be swooping in to get a taste.<P>Floored, your kindness and strength of character literally radiates through your words and your posts. I can tell, just by sitting here looking at my computer screen what a catch you are. For heaven's sake, make sure your wife knows it too. I'm not saying you should flirt with everything in a skirt, but just project your innate goodness and desirability and sooner or later that will knock the blinders right off of her.<P>Also, I do understand why you keep covering for your wife to friends and acquaintances, but don't you think maybe you should toss a few of the tough ones her way? Like maybe the next time somebody asks, '"How is the new baby?" you could say, "Oh, there is so much going on right now, I just don't know where to begin. I'm sure (insert wife's name here) would be happy to give you all the details. Why don't you give her a call at ***-****" I think if old wifey starts getting mired down in her own pile of crap she might start thinking twice about how happy she is.<BR>With love and prayers,<BR>cd

My D asked my W when she was coming home, and she told her that she would tell her for sure when the baby got out of the hospital. My D didn't get to see the baby because of still having the stiffles. I guess this is the home stretch, huh? When should I tell my W that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her? I guess I have nothing to lose, but is it the best thing to do? Thanks for your helpful replies.<BR>Floored

When she thanks you for being there for her, you can say, "See how much I love you? I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me"...say it with a loving and friendly smile so she doesn't think you're being a smart a$$.<P>Another phrase that shook my husband to the core was "If you left me, you would miss me the rest of your life." He knew it was true...or he was afraid if he left for good, it would be true.<P>Catnip =^^=

floored, I pretty much told my h the same thing as catnip. What I think would help you if someone else were to tell your wife how wonderful you are. I think maybe I wouldnt cover up for her anymore. I got lucky in my case my h had to hear how wonderful I was from his freinds. I think when I started telling him the same thing he opened his eyes. I didnt have the patience of alot of you guys. I had had enough even before I knew he had cheated. When I had enough that was when he decided to come clean and work on fixing what went wrong. Good luck floored I feel for ya. with love flowerseed