Cat, CD and others,<BR>Tomorrow is my W's birthday, should I do anything? Ya'll said I should let my W know that I am the best thing that ever happened to her and that she will miss me the rest of her life, but should I tell her in person, or say it in a B-day card. I don't want to seem cold, but I don't want her to think I am wasting away waiting for her.<BR>Floored

Dear Floored, <BR>This is a tough one. My h's birthday didn't fall within the perameters of the affair, but our anniversery did. I vowed that i would not call him that day, but I sat by the phone all day long waiting for the call from him that I knew wouldn't come. Anniversery came and went. 3 am next morning I broke down and called him at his work on the night shift (remember, this was before I really went into my own version of plan b). Anyway, it was a disaster. he acted like he knew I wouldn't be able to resist calling to put him on a guilt trip about the whole thing. At that point, it just reaffirmed to him that I was wasting away pining over him.<BR>My gut instinct is to tell you not to contact w at all since i think that your w needs to get the panicky why-didn't-he-call, I've-been-waiting-all-day-for-the-call feeling. I do believe that you should SHOW her (when she happens to see you around, like at daughters games) that you are the best thing that ever happened to her, but since you are already this far into plan b, I think actually telling her might screw up the whole thing. I think a better way would be like flowerseed did - have friends or relatives point it out to her. Meantime, just be at your most radiantly kind and warm self when she sees you out and about, but I wouldn't initiate contact at this point if I were you. If you don't call or send a card, I am guessing that she will spend all day getting hit with the furthur reality of what life is without you, but if you do call or send a card, she'll probably just be more satisfied that she can keep you on the hook for a longer period of time. Looking back, I certainly wish I hadn't called my h on our anniversery. If I had truly implemented a plan-B type plan then and stayed with it, I think he would have had to face reality sooner.<BR>Anyway, that's just my humble opinion. Hope it helps. I will pray today that wife is plagued with memories of years gone by with you on this important day.<BR>with love and best wishes,<BR>cd

floored, <BR>I dont think I would send a card . She will see how wonderful you are by the wonderful things she had from you in the past and what she doesnt have now. I agree with cd. You be Mr wonderful just not to her right now. Maybe you could have the kids include you in a card if you feel you really have to. with love flowerseed

Floored:<P>No contact, means NO contact...Plan B is designed to get you through birthdays, anniversaries and holidays without being disappointed by your wayward spouse's response or lack thereof.<P>I know you feel the pull to make contact, to wish her a happy birthday and to use her birthday as an excuse to show her you love her and in hopes of earning points for yourself. This is normal...and desperate.<P>But, you don't want to do that now because it may just give her the smug satisfaction that she can play the game longer than she should. You don't want to do anything that will prolong your agony.<P>If I were you, (and it would be a struggle), I would not even acknowledge her birthday in any form. Believe it or not, this will get her attention more than anything else...I mean, she is expecting you to come through for her tomorrow on some level and not hearing from you, getting a card, gift or flowers, will bother her.<P>It's a tough call but I think if you acknowledged her birthday in any way, it would backfire in some way and delay your reconnection. Just my humble opinion.<P>Catnip =^^=

floored,<P>Repeating what catnip said: No contact means NO CONTACT!<P>I also strongly disagree with TELLING your wife the following:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Ya'll said I should let my W know that I am the best thing that ever happened to her and that she will miss me the rest of her life<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you say that, in any way, shape, or form, it will be a lovebuster. It's arrogant, conceited, and disrespectful.<P>On the other hand, I wholeheartedly support you DEMONSTRATING that you are the best thing that ever happened to you wife---by your excellent plan A actions. And that you DEMONSTRATE to your wife that she will miss you---by employing this appropriate Plan B strategy.<P>Just don't talk about it. And while you're not "wasting away waiting for her", you are in a separation to save your marriage. So no dating or anything approaching it. She'll know that you're no longer waiting for her to return to the marriage when you serve her with divorce papers. But I would still wait a while for that.

Does the fact that my W knows I help the kids make her birthday presents and help pick out the clothes enable her to keep going on, or is that impersonal enough to still be safe on my part? I have no desire to speak to her or even send her a card, but I did find a funny one..it had a picture of several old presidents on the front and one was holding an old urn. The caption said "Which one of these men is older than you?"...and inside it said "the one in the urn!!" My W, if she were in her normal state of mind, would have appreciated that, especially since she is turning 30! So, I guess it's unanimous..I'll stay in a purely Plan B mode. By the way K, I have no earthly desire to date right now..but I do live in a college town and it's starting to get spring-like and the girls like to lay out down by the river, and....BUT, they are way too young!! Right?!<BR>Floored

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>but I do live in a college town and it's starting to get spring-like and the girls like to lay out down by the river, and....BUT, they are way too young!! Right?!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Definitely too young for you!! At least this year...

K,<BR><B> Definitely too young for you!! At least this year... </B>[/QUOTE]<BR>That's not fair K, I'm only 32, although I feel like I've aged about 10 years in the last 6 mos! I don't think I could even bring myself to date one of those girls..they seem so high maintenance now days! You know, they might need new tongue rings, belly button rings, new tatoo's, etc.!<P>

Oh,K, I disagree! If one has worked hard in the marriage for many years and one knows his or her worth, I don't think it is a 'lovebuster' to remind wayward spouse of this asset. In fact, it is disrespectful to to the betrayed spouse that wayward spouse forgot.<P>Sometimes a little comment of the special things about us remind us both of what we were, what we are and what we hope to become.<P>Catnip =^^=

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In fact, it is disrespectful to to the betrayed spouse that wayward spouse forgot.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Catnip---they're no doubt that floored's wife has a list of lovebusters that could fill a nice-sized novel right now. And if she was here getting advice, that's where I'd have her focus.<P>But, the main concern floored has right now is two-fold:<P>1. How to prevent him from losing love for his wife.<P>2. How to avoid him causing his wife to lose love for him.<P>At this point, the no-contact really covers both options. If he were to go to his wife (assume that she's "in love" with someone else), and tells her how "great a guy he is, and what a mistake she's making...", how do you think that'll make her feel?<P>The first part (what a great guy floored is) won't ring true to her. I'm guessing that floored had "shared responsibility" in having his wife fall out of love with him. So in her eyes, he wasn't such a great guy. Now he may have addressed ALL the issues he was responsible to during Plan A (and I think that he has, in a large part)---but it's better to have floored say to his wife that he's "willing to work on the marriage for the benefit of her happiness and that of the family." It's a forward-directed statement, which is what he should be focusing on.<P>The second part---"that she's making a mistake and she'll miss him for the rest of her life" is simply disrespectful to her. It can be absolutely true (in floored eyes, and in everyone's opinion here---including mine), but if it's not HER OPINION to force this point-of-view down her throat is disrespectful.<P>Instead, an offer of willingness to reconcile, with a forward-directed statement concerning her happiness and the family's well-being is more appropriate.<P>And he made these when he went into Plan B, through the Plan B letter. Now he needs to sit on the sidelines and wait. And protect his love for his spouse.

Dear K,<BR>I think that what you are saying is absolutely true. it was my intention to point out to floored that he needs to show, by actions and just by being himself and WITHOUT breaking the rules of plan B, that he is the best thing that ever happened to w. By that, I mean demonstrating to others what a great guy he is. I got the impression that floored may be(unintentionally) projecting a hang-dog, whupped and defeated attitude to others, which is not going to have friends and family running to tell w how wonderful he is.<P>BUT, I still have to agree with Catnip in some respects. I think it depends on the person. In my case, telling my h that I was the best thing that ever happened to him did help in the long run. Of course I shouldn't have said it in the nasty way that I did, but my h comes from a history of the people he loves running out on him (his parents abandoned him on the streets, not just once, but several times), and it was his natural response to do the same to me when things got rough between us. I HAD to point out to him that he was doing the same thing to me, and that by leaving me he was choosing to leave behind all the hard work he had done in forming an actual relationship, and that by slipping back to old childhood-teenage habits he was destined to go back to empty one-night stands with scuzzy women. My h simply could not see beyond his nose what he was doing to himself without me telling him because he had reverted back to the sad lifestyle he was raised in. In our case, I have always been the ONLY person who has been able to help him break free of his past, the ONLY person who could break through to touch his soul. Any morals and values that he has were learned from me because he had absolutely no one to teach him or to guide him during his childhood. As much as he was trying to push me away and hurt me through the affair, I knew he was also counting on me to tell him the truth. if I had failed to do so, he would have never seen it for himself, he simply did not have the background that would make him capable of doing so. I think that when you are dealing with spouses who are struggling with issues such as childhood abandonment or deep-rooted illnesses (such as Catnip's h's alcoholism) you have to adjust the rules a little bit because people like that are going to need a little more help in seeing clearly. I have had to help my h to see a lot of things differently. Christmas is a good example. At first, h could not see anything good about a holiday in which his parents had always woken him up to watch his brother and sister open presents from Santa, while he, the youngest, got nothing at all. Now Christmas with our kids is his favorite time of all. But if he didn't even know the joy in that without me showing him, how could I possibly expect him to see the truth about his affair without telling him?<P>My h has been a lot of work, really, but what a sweet loving man he has turned out to be!<P>-cd

I chose the silent approach. My W came to get the kids about a hour ago and I didn't wish her a happy B-day, even though my kids were talking about it right there in the car! Earlier today W had left a message about our son, so I had to call her back. Luckily she didn't answer so I left her a message in which I told her that it still hurt too much to see her at D's games and hearing her talk about OC as if no big deal. I also requested that she not leave messages anymore, especially if she mentioned OC and how she mentions having to go to hospital to feed OC. I told her that that might not be intentional, but it was a sensitive issue with me. I never made eye contact with W this afternoon, but then after she left I thought I might have given the "beaten dog" impression and wished I had have acted differently. Should I fake it when I see her as if I am "happy-man"? I don't feel happy. I feel somewhat free for the next couple of days because the kids will be with W. That's not wrong to feel relieved, is it? Enough rambling.<BR>Floored

Is it wrong to feel relieved? Lord, no! LOL. I'm a stay-home mom and I love my kids, but any adult needs some time to themselves!!! You can't give from an empty bucket...<P>