...to point out the terrible side affects of divorce? Do WS' even have the capacity to understand this at the point they're at? My W thinks everything will be fine. When is it a good time to point out that having two parents in the home...gives the kids valuable time with Mom and Dad because there is less household chores for each parent, I feel that I am neglecting my kids because I have so much to do but can't juggle all of it. Also, should I tell her that kids won't have her values instilled because she doesn't or won't get to spend enough time with them to reinforce the things she feels are important, good or bad! The kids don't have the security they should expect to feel by having both parents. My D won't know how to be a W or mother, because she doesn't have a role model. The list goes on and on, but would it make a difference if I gave her a list of the negatives, or would it all be rationalized away? <BR>Floored

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My D won't know how to be a W or mother, because she doesn't have a role model<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I didn't have a role model Floored. My mom cheated. It ended in divorce. She didn't marry om but stayed in his life in spite of our protests and his 2 d's never spoke to him again! he died in 1988 and they never came to funeral.<P>Anyway, it taught me exactly how not to be!!!<P>Then look! I became my dad. I got cheated on! I never thought my life would mirror my parents but it did.<P>Your D will certainly see what to look for in a H. After all she has her "prince-of-a-Dad" as a role model.<P>I think of you so often Floored.<P>I truly ask God to help you,as I feel you can take no more.<P>I will pray for strength for you today.<BR> Bless you.<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Floored,<P>I think that the point your W is at, if you gave her this list, or even if someone else pointed these things out to her, she would try her best to explain them away. If she can't see what this current seperation is already doing to the children, it won't help to have someone point it out to her. Sometimes, people are just like that. They know what they are doing, or have done, is wrong, but don't want to face the facts. I know that in the very beginning, I would look at myself in the mirror, and had no idea who I was looking at. I didn't want to recognize what I had done. I had even told my H on D-Day that I would leave, if he wanted me to, and leave the kids with him. I am past that now, but it is something that I had to do on my own time. I don't know what to tell you to do to help your W to the place that I am at. Plus, it has the added frustrations of having the baby early, and everything that goes with that, emotionally. I don't know if anything can change until she clears her fog. I know that you had mentioned counseling, and maybe that would help her. But, she also has to be willing to get the help before any counseling works. For now, I would not mention any of those very valid points. It may just cause her to go deeper into her fog of denial.<P>Hope I helped.<P>Tigger

Dear Floored,<P>Like Gemini, I think of you often. I said a special prayer for you yesterday at Church because we all sense how much you need strength at this moment to deal with your W.<P>I agree completely with tigger. If WS's could see clearly then I don't think they would do half the things they do. Right now your W should be concerned about how her young daughter is seeing her. But she's not. She is trapped in a mind that is so singular in purpose right now that she has blotted out all other aspects and she would rationalize away any attempt to make her see reason.<P>Continue to be supportive of her, and continue to press for counselling, but at this point I hope you are trying to separate your feelings a bit from the situation so that your heart is not being stomped on repeatedly.<P>Please don't worry about a role model. As Gemini said you are the best role model - as father and as surrogate mother - for your daughter. Through you she will learn strength, courage, love, kindness, compassion, and perseverance. I don't think anyone needs more than that to lead a good life.<P>She will also learn that parenting is forever because you stuck with them when the times got tough. You didn't run off to live a fantasy (although I bet sometimes you would like to!).<P>Hang in there, floored. We are all pulling for you and we are here for you whenever you need it.<P>love,<BR>heavenly<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited February 26, 2001).]

floored:<P>Education of your spouse is generally considered a lovebuster. In all seriousness, she's very unlikely to consider you a reliable, unbiased source anyway. She definitely should be "enlightened"---but it's better to have it come from friends, family, and professional than from you.<P>You're in her corner. You love her, and are willing to do what it takes to reconcile. And I would not act on the divorce statements at all---let her serve you with papers, and stall as long as you can (assuming that there are no legal ramifications that are going to mess you up).

Thanks to all of you sweet people. I am not down at all about all of this, I really can feel your prayers and know that they have made a difference in my life. I keep firm my belief that God has something special planned for my life and as long as I don't try and take over, He will guide me in the right direction. I appreciate the role model comments, I am so thankful that I can see how much my D loves me. Just tonight at her basketball practice, she would keep looking over at me to see how I reacted to her actions..good and bad!! It just made me smile to see how much she values my praise. I heap it on her too!! My little boy always tells me at night "I'm going to come get it woo(your) bed!!" and then just smiles that beautiful smile! <BR>Thank you all for your encouragement, I always know that you all can help me turn those blue days around. <BR>Thank you all, <BR>Floored