Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 97
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 97
<BR>Hello again, everyone!<P>I need some advise; H and I are talking about reconciling and him coming home. I know you all say Hurry! Right? Well, In my heart is saying because that's what I wanted...but my head is saying something different. I'm thinking too much...every little thing reminds me of the lies and I flash back to a time when we both were so miserable...Like today...I found a hair on my shirt that I know was mine; but my head flashed back to a LIE that he told me about a hair that I know wasnt mine and he tried to convince me it was...Or when it snowed here last week...I flashed back to when he LIED to me last winter about not being able to get home and he was staying with a friend who didnt have a phone so he could stay with HER. Just little things like that come up and I think about them sleeping together and going to bed together and him putting his arms around HER when it should have been his arms around me!!! How do I stop this??? I am never going to get to that place where I want to be if I keep this up and it's never going to work...Does anyone else have this problem and if so, how do you get through it..I mean it's things that I didnt even think I would remember....Please share!!!<P>Thanks in advance for your advice!!!<P>Alone<p>[This message has been edited by aloneandsad (edited March 03, 2001).]

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
Alone:<P>It's been over two years for me since we began our reconciliation and I still have these flashback moments where I obsess over what happened between my husband and the OW.<P>It happens less and less as time goes on, with longer intervals between episodes. What makes the biggest difference is the reassurance I get from my husband. If your husband is reassuring to you and shows his regret and works to make things up to you, then these flashbacks and triggers will become fewer and farther between as the healing continues.<P>I don't think we will ever be entirely free from it but we can look forward to these obsessions fading more and more with each passing year. <P>Don't give up, Alone, and stay strong. You will get through this. You are going through the toughest part right now, just remember it won't always be this hard or this bad. Keep praying, keep close to your husband and keep posting.<P>You're in my prayers, Alone...I know what you are going through.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited March 05, 2001).]

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 901
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 901
Dear Alone,<BR>You are not alone. I was going to post today about something very similair to this. Things were getting better as Catnip said as time past. Its been almost 2 years since the 1st d-day. Now we have moved back to where I was when their affair began and things have flashed back to me. Like how I would wake up crying in the middle of the night and the horrid words that were passed between us and the loving words. The lovings words that were said when he was talking to me and then he would hang up the phone and go and sleep with her. I guess we will always have the thoughts, but my H has done everything possible to make it up to me. There is NO contact with OW/OC..due to OW's decisions, which was such a blessing. He is almost always sweet and loving. He helps around the house, he cooks, he is a wonderful daddy to our daughter. He even puts up with my hysterical crying and screaming 2 years later. I know he loves me and that is how I deal with the visions. She was nothing. Meant nothing is nothing. Lust will always pass, then what have you got. They had nothing. We are together and I am glad that we are. Times come and go when you will obsess over it. Those are the times when you pray for peace. I guess I have answered what I would have posted. For me it also helps greatly to know I am not alone. And neither are you.<P>Praying for you<P>broken_wings

Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
a.ands.,<BR>Ditto the other two posts. It's been 2 years and I still have flashback moments, but they are NOT as bad as time goes on. They used to ruin days, even weeks... now they are moments, and I have good stuff to fill in the emptiness.<P>Two thoughts: a pain shared is a pain halved (tell a trusted friend, sometimes H); and time does heal. It's kind of like the weight from pregnancy... takes 9 months to put it on and at LEAST 9 months to take it off... takes lots of time to recover, but you gotta get started before you can "end"...<P>It's not a lot in the face of pain, but I'm rooting for you!<P>J<BR>PS I should say that the really important "good stuff" is my H's remorse and concrete actions by him to show his dedication to us; the longer that goes on, the more secure I am and the less in the past. Your H needs to know how important that is to your healing!!<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited March 03, 2001).]

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 1,169
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 1,169
aloneandsad,<BR>Glad things are working for you we was quit worried as to what was going on. Its been almost 2 yrs for us and it does get better but I still find I am having problems with this. Like the others have said its all in how h treats you as to how often this will happen. My h doesnt have to do anything really that terrible to send me right into a tissy. There are alot a times I wonder if I really want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. Tomorrow is always a new day. I find things usually are better the next day when I am having this problem. My prayers go out to the both of you that you can find your happiness you so badly want. with love flowerseed<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited March 04, 2001).]

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 788
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 788
aloneandsad,<P>i agree with everyone. it has been 4 years since D-day on the affair, and i still have those moments every once in awhile where i obsess with those little details. i go over it in my head, i see a picture of us from around that time and think, had he been with her then? why do we look happy when we were having such a hard time in our marriage, etc... it gets less with time. and i hope one day it will be gone from my memory. oh how i wish sometimes i could go to a hypnotist and be rid of all these thoughts forever. wouldn't that be nice. but anyway, i hope that if you and you H reconcile that you do it slowly and the right way, and address the problems that got you where you are, and work on them. counseling, or whatever you need to do. take care. prayers for you...<P>happy_girl

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 971
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 971
Dear aloneandsad,<BR>I am so glad that things are at least looking up. I was very concerned about you and prayed for you a LOT.<P>This sounds very trite, but TIME is the only thing that helps. Also remember that affairs are not based on LOVE at all. Just the illusion of love. It's hard to remember sometimes, but its true.<P>I am short on words today, so I'll just say that I'll continue to pray very hard for you.<BR>-cd

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
Dear aloneandsand,<P>I just read your post and I was so happy to hear that you are talking reconciliation. Like the others, I remember when you were "alone and sad" and the horrors that you endured while your H was trying to make life with the OW work out. It is wonderful that you have reached this point.<P>Like the others have said, I too have my flashbacks and they are generally like yours -- remembering a lie that he tried to convince me was true. My H had me believing that I was crazy for always accusing him of things and that my accusations had no basis whatsoever. That is such a hard thing to deal with later when it comes out that everything you suspected was absolutely true.<P>My H and I made a pact that after we brought all of our issues into the open, discussed the affair, discussed all of the things that happened in our marriage that brought us to that awful point in our life that we would start a "new day". It does not mean that everything that happened was okay. But it does mean that we have acknowledged that the things that happened in the old days were wrong and that we are taking the steps to make these new days better.<P>Sometimes if I bring up some old feeling of sadness, my H will remind me that these are the "new days". All of those lies were tied in to the same "fog". If we are to renew our lives together, then we felt that we had to put those old hurtful memories into perspective.<P>They don't go away and they do lessen with time. But now when I think those thoughts I am able to say "that was then, this is now and if I keep thinking like I did then, I will be right back there". As much as my H's actions were wrong and hurt me, I also have learned a number of things about myself and the way that I treated him that needed to be corrected.<P>Nowadays, I focus on the new and improved version of our love and our life together. I hope you will be able to put the gremlins in their proper place and don't let anything stop you from enjoying the renewal of your life together.<P>Best of luck to you. My prayers are with you.<BR>love<BR>- heavenly


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5