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<BR>Hi again,<P>As most of you know; I have been hoping and praying for my marriage...for my husband to come home to me and our children. We had come close to reconciliation...he hadnt come back home yet, but we were talking and it was good and it seemed as if my prayers were being answered. He's still living in fantasy land with OW and OC playing house; but talking to me on a regular basis and coming to see us on a regular basis....That was good; however I just couldnt get past the visions and the hurt...and another man came along-Telling me how beautiful, sweet, sexy and smart I am...I havent heard that in a loooooong time. Even talking with my husband...I'm not trying to justify my actions...but it just felt so good to hear it and to have attention paid to me..to be touched and to be looked at like I matter....So one thing led to another and bam! I commited adultery=which makes me no better than my H. I was hurting and aching and lonely because I go to bed every night by myself while he wraps his arms around another woman. My H doesnt know about it...but I do and God does and that's the worst...I had started to have feelings for this man, now he calls me and says that he is not ready for a relationship....Why am I not worthy of anyone? Why should I expect that I would be? My own father doesnt love me; so why would another man, be it my H or any other man find me worthy? I feel like for every step that I have taken forward during this whole process I have taken 15 steps backward. Until this man, I was prepared to restore my marriage and bring my H back home; now I'm not sure what I want....If I can fall this easily for someone else; how can I be sure that if my H came, that I wouldnt stray in a moment of weakness and frustration and hurt like I did a week ago? I feel like such an idiot! I gave up on God, myself and my marriage in one single moment of stupidity. I let myself feel something for someone else that I didnt know was possible....I thought that I would love my H forever...I messed up!<P>Let me digress...it got kicked into high gear when my H brought OW to my home...to my door to my space. I was hurt and angry and discouraged because I saw them walking arm in arm; hand in hand toward my door..and it hurt; it hurt real bad. It broke my heart in half. This is how it happened...then this man expressed a little bit of interest and I just let loose. I havent hurt like this or felt this inadequate in a long time. Why?<P>I have nowhere to turn but here. I dont know what to do. Why did it hurt me so badly that this man I have only been seeing called me to say that he doesnt want a "relationship"? I guess maybe I figured that I committed adultery so God wont allow me to restore my marriage. They say it always gets worse before it gets better. I am so tired of hurting and being alone. I just wish that my H and I would have done more than talking...I wish he would have asked me if he could come home....He told my children that there is definately going to be a divorce and that it is my fault because I threw him out. Maybe I did react harshly when I found out about OW and OC all in one horrible day..and what did he expect?<BR>I dont know what to do!!!

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Dear Alone,<BR>goodness..I just dont know what to say. But I feel I must try.<BR>First let me say, what your H did was in no way excusable. If he is already telling your children the divorce is your fault bc you reacted to harshley to ow\oc then he is really in a little fantasy world. The only way, imho, you could react too harshley is by killing the two of them. You didnt do that so I think you handled ti just fine.<BR>As to what you did, gosh, how do you blame someone when you know how it feels. It was wrong. But you already know that. I know I have thought about it myself, but I swore I wouldnt make things worse. Unfortunately that is where you are. Do not worry about the man that you slept with not wanting "relationship" right now. You are still married.<BR>But now what do you do? I say you should do right by yourself and God now. Come clean and tell the truth. At least you have the option to stop it now...(the adultry). Dont let it turn into a full blown affair. Pray about it and do what your gut tells you to do and then listen to your heart about your marriage. Maybe now it is time to hang up the hat. But no one can tell you that but you and God.<BR>I am by far not hte wisest on this board, so if I were you I would definatley wait for some more answers, but I just wanted you to know I care and will be praying for you to do what is right. To do what is Gods will.<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Broken_Wings

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Dear aloneandsad:<P>The last thing you should do to yourself is beat yourself up for a moment of weakness that is not your sin but that of the person who abandoned you, causing you to do something completely out of character. <P>While it was not right, nor did it make anything better than give you a momentary, false sense of being loved and accepted, it was doing quite the opposite by opening you up to further hurt. <P>When we feel so rejected and unworthy of love, we are susceptible to predatory males whose radar is tuned into our neediness. They swoop in, telling us everything we want and need to hear, then vanish as if they never existed. Besides, if your vulnerability was showing your hurt and pain, it most likely scared him away because it is a kind of baggage he wants no part of. That is why it is so important to not have anything to do with men for several months until after a divorce is final. We need time to get to know ourselves and loose the need for outside validation so we don't come across as desparately in need of love.<P>After an affair, the Betrayed are especially vulnerable to what happened to you because we need to prove to ourselves that we are lovable and worthy of love. We think by having sex with someone, they are giving us what we need when in reality they are just using us, and in a way, we are just using them.<P>What is done is done and now you must let go of it. You are still married to your husband and the Harley prinicples suggest you come clean and tell your spouse of your indescetion. I don't know if I completely agree with that theory because I always worry about the Wayward's retaliation and using it as an excuse. He is already blaming you for the divorce because you made him leave when you discovered his affair. I did the same thing. I made my husband leave and regret it. <P>Regardless of what happened, a&s, you must get a hold of yourself, acknowledge what you did was wrong and forgive yourself. Remember what it states in the Bible about the sins of the betrayed spouse do not belong to her but to her wayward spouse. I'll find the exact scripture and post it later. This does not excuse it, but it explains where the true guilt lies. Probably many here will not agree with me...just my opinion. More opinions from others will be along soon.<P>You will get through this, a & s. In order to get through it, you will have to realize your own worth and not rely on validation from strangers. It is tough to do when you feel so bad about yourself but those feelings are mostly because of the emotional trauma you've absorbed over the past year or so. Be good to yourself. We are here for you.<P>Catnip =^^-<P>

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Dear Aloneandsad,<P>Well, I have been in your exact position, and look where it got me. Yes, we have worked things out, and H is going to raise this child as his own, and we also were never actually seperated. I would hate to see you end up in this position. You need to not worry about what this OM says to you. Your concern should still be your marriage, and if you can salvage it at all. It's a tough decision to make, about if you should tell your H about the adultry right now. Especially if he is telling the children that the divorce is your fault, for kicking him out. Yes, what you did was wrong, and yes, I understand how it could happen. Even my H agrees that if he hadn't done the things he did 9 years ago, we wouldn't be in our current situation. You have put youself into a very tight position at this time. I do feel that you should be honest with your H about what has happened, even though you don't know what his reaction is going to be. At least then, you would have a clean conscience. You also need to forgive yourself. And, believe me, I know exactly how hard that is. Like Catnip said, stay away from men who are not family members until you have healed the hurt and anger. It may be quite a while before that happens, but at least then you will know you are ready for another relationship. I don't really know what else to say about this, other than don't persue this OM at all. I know from experience that what you felt was NOT love, either for or from this OM. It was a temporary gratification, like a balm for a burn. Once the balm is gone, the pain comes right back, until it is healed. You need to do what you feel is best with all the advice you will get about your situation. But, having been there, and done that, it will only get worse if things aren't brought out in the open. I hope I helped in some way.<P>Tigger

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dear aloneandsad,<BR>I responded to the duplicate post. Please look there for my response. <BR>-cd

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alone,<BR>My heart ached when I read your post. the part about the men in your life not loving you really got to me. I know that feeling. My bio-father ditched when I was 3 and my step-father ditched when I was 11. It hurts so much when you feel rejected by the one man who was supposed to think you hung the moon. Then to have your H leave the marriage is just too much. The pain you have experienced is so great. I have only recently started to find healing in the men-in-my-life area . God has done a mighty work in my heart and I know He can do it for you.<BR>I am praying for you.<BR>Echo

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Thank you guys so much for your wonderful advice...My head is just spinning right now. This all happened a week ago today. I was feeling so rejected by my H...I just didnt know where else to turn. The OM lives in the same building as I do...and he is also going through a divorce for the same reason. I think we both just needed to back away from the situation and reassess what we want from ourselves and our marriages. Tigger4jdt; I suspect that my H knows about my indescretion because he just about walked in on it...Had I not been in OM apartment, then he & the children would have. For all of you who have been following my posts over the last 9 months-you all know that I have been on rollercoaster ride-One minute I'm up and things look positive for my marriage and the next I'm down-and it seems as though nothing will ever change...as it did last week when my H brought the OW to my home!!! I would give my right arm if my H would come home; I think??? I love my H still but I do have feelings for this OM that I didnt think I could have. I'm not even sure how or why it even happened with the exception on the feeling of emptiness and lonliness that he and I have both been feeling and we put all of that off on each other. I guess a little bit of it was flattery. I dont know if my marriage is even reconcilable at this point. I have been the one doing all the "reconciliation" talking; my H was just playing along until he went to court about non payment of child support. I guess he thought I could help. Wrong. He still is adimate that he is going to marry OW. You know; it was kind of an internal revenge that I slept with OM...I felt good about it for the moment; but now I feel like garbage; because of the rejection-yet again and because of the guilt. If I told my H about my indescretion...I still dont know that it would even matter to him...he is so indifferent to me most of the time...at least since he went to court. I thought I had it all figured out; but now; I dont know. I do know that I have to steer clear of OM for a while and clear my head of the cobwebs that mess has created in my head. I dont know how I could have "fallen" so fast. Out of lonliness, hurt, anger, and sadness-and even a little revenge. My H doesnt care what I do and who I do it with...all he cares about is "playing house" with OW and OC...Forget me and our 2 children...we are just little insignificant pons in his little chess game of Life.<P>The amazing thing is that I thought a little "fling" would make me feel better; but instead it has only done the opposite. It has brought back all of those old feelings of inadequacy and rejection and sadness and hurt. I just wish that I had just taken a little time before reacting to yet another HUGE betrayal by my H. I just cannot get over him bringing OW to MY home-to MY door...It's not like it was our home...this has NEVER been his home! He had no right!!! What in the hell was he thinking? Then I felt so bad about the way that I reacted towards him and HER; I called and appologized to them??? <P>I thought I could be happy just being me and being by myself..but this OM just turned my world upside down. I have been able to think of nothing else except him for the last week. I know it's not love; it's just me putting off my feelings for my H on him...and the neediness that I have within myself not to feel so alone and rejected...but it backfired. I dont know...he said that we need to cool it; we'll still talk and spend time together; but cool down...I dont know. I need to completely back away and reassess I think. I'm pretty sure by what my H has done in the past week and what he has been saying that my marriage is over...and it has nothing to do with what I did. He has made up his mind that this OW is what he wants and I just have to deal with it I guess....I've been praying so hard for resolution and for my marriage but It's not just what God wants and what I want...and what God's will is and what my will is; but my H will is also involved and if he is not willing to received God's grace and direction...nothing is ever going to change...I dont even know if I can live with the doubt and hurt and visions for the rest of my life. I know it will all diminish with time, prayer and counseling...but I dont know if this is the life that I deserve. Dont I deserve better? I shouldnt have to look over my shoulder every minute of the day for the rest of my life wondering why he came back; if he ever does...he acted like he wanted to there for a while; but things have changed...and a lot of people say that it gets worse before it gets better; but I dont know how much worse it can get!!! He has been throwing this affair up in my face for the last 9 months; bringing her to MY home was the LAST and FINAL nail in the coufin!!! I take responsiblity for my actions; but I wouldnt be in the position and would have never done what I did had he not done what he did!!! I wouldnt be feeling this way had he not done what he did! How dare he!!! He did this to me!!! To us!!! How am I ever going to get past this?<P>I understand a little better how affairs can happen now...which is actually a good thing...but on the other hand...I had extenuating circumstances that contributed to my adultery. I keep hearing myself say those words "I committed adultery!" and I just want to die! I cant believe I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment of passion, lust; anger toward H and OW; hurt! Im trying not to beat myself up about it...but it's hard. I've prayed for forgiveness...but with unforgiveness in my heart toward OW; I dont believe that the Lord can forgive me! The scripture says "And when you stand and pray, forgive anything you may have against anyone, so that your father in heaven will forgive the wrongs you have done"...I cant get past this...I cant forgive HER! OW and H caused this...they caused all of this pain and anguish! I have been trying to forgive her...If you will look at an earlier post of mine; I wrote a letter to her hoping that would help me heal and maybe convince myself that I was forgiving her because that's what God tells us we should do...but I just cant...and if I cant forgive her; Our heavenly father cannot forgive me! I havent hurt this deeply for so long. What I thought would help heal the wounds only put a bandaid on the problem and in the end caused more problems!!!<BR>Thanks again! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I have taken your advice; but there is no need to tell H...afterall, what I have done is no worse than what he did. I'm not living with OM and it only happened once!!! They (H and OW) go to bed together every darn night while I sit her "aloneandsad"!!! I'm in a deep dark place and dont feel like I will come out of it this time!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Dear aloneandsad,<P>Like the others have said, you were human. We can only tolerate so much and then we often do things that, if we were in our usual and right frame of mind, we would not even consider doing. <P>Why in the world did your H bring the OW to your home? I was really taken by your reference to her invading "your space". You are so right -- your home, the home you share with your children and shared with your H -- that was the final insult for your H to even walk that woman onto the lawn. A scene like the one you witnessed would have made me crazy but H and OW would have paid the price right on the spot. You showed enormous restraint by not taking a frying pan to both their heads.<P>Catnip is so very right, some men have the kind of radar that makes them zero in on needy women. They are sexual predators and you wouldn't want a relationship with a man like that anyway. (My H's ex-OW fell victim to a sexual predator at her church -- that's a great story for another time ... talk about just desserts!)<P>Yes you are married and the infidelity should not have happened. But right now you are fighting to save your marriage and your H is with the OW. I am so afraid that, like Catnip said, this will be used as another excuse for why he should not come home. I would hate to see you lose the opportunity to repair your marriage, when it is obvious you want that so much, because of a momentary weakness.<P>Catnip and Tigger have put you on the right track - Forgive yourself. Do everything in your power to save your marriage. Look into your heart and use this horrible mistake to find a way to forgive your H's horrible mistake. As far as whether or not to tell your H, you know him best. You know how he will react. Be guided by your feelings and do what will achieve the best result for now. Since you are separated, he may not have expected you to remain faithful to him.<P>It was very hard for me to let go of the images of my H and the OW. To do so, I had to make a conscious choice -- to wallow in unhappiness alone or to shut that door and look for the window that God always opens. I found my window and through that window was a brand new life.<P>You have had a lot to deal. You said your father does not love you. Sometimes adults are not very smart in their dealings with their children. Those who are not good with communication may not be able to show or express their feelings well. Whether this is the case or not, your father's problem is just that - his problem. We don't know you personally but from your posts you sound like a warm and caring person. If your father has not taken the opportunity to really know you and show his love for you, he has truly lost out on something special.<P>Before closing, I just want to add that you did not turn your back on God in that moment of weakness. You stumbled and God is always there to catch us if we simply put out our arms. You did put out your arms. You recognized your weakness, stood back up, and you are right back on track now. <P>My prayers are with you at this difficult time. Write and let us know how you are feeling.<P>love<BR>- heavenly<P>

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Dear Aloneandsad,<P>We were posting at the same time so I did not see your latest post before sending mine.<P>Your post hit me hard, particularly about the fact that your unforgiveness of the OW means that God cannot forgive you. I have thought this for so long because I could not accept the OC.<P>God asks us to open our heart; to ask Him to soften that heart. But if we are unable to do so on one issue that has caused us so much pain, it certainly does not mean that He abandons us on everything else.<P>I am alive today because of a miracle that happened nearly three years ago. I have felt God's intervention in my life to actually save me. And at that time, I harbored such horrible feelings about the OW and OC in my life. I felt that I never deserved God's goodness.<P>Don't turn your back on God, because He never turns his back on us. You recognize your weakness by not being able to forgive that woman. That is enough. You recognize that you are human and that you are subject to the feelings of human beings. God is perfect and we can strive to be like Him but that does not mean we will ever achieve His perfection.<P>If you have come to the realization that your marriage cannot be saved, I know you are in a very dark place. But if you reach out to God, and you keep reaching out to all of us and your friends and family, you will begin to see that there is light outside of that dark place.<P>I have to go, but I will write back again tonight. Don't lose hope, don't lose faith. I am praying for you.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

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Heavenly; <P>The home that I have now was Never H home which makes what they did even worse! This is the home that me and my children have built together! When H and I split; I left that house and never looked back..I got my own place! As if that woman hasnt done enough! She has invaded my family; my marriage and now MY space and my home and I was incredibly threatened! The only reason I didnt walk out of this apartment and strangle the both of them was because my children were there #1 and #2 OM was on the phone asking me not to...so instead; I just slammed the door in their faces! I just cant believe that the morning after, I was the one on the phone appologizing to my H for my actions!!! He should have been appologizing to me! I cant change what I have done, but I can move forward...with God's grace; but I still dont see how my unforgiving heart deserves to be forgiven! I deserve what I got from this man! I did what felt good for the moment and now I'm paying for it...I havent felt this bad in a long time. I have been studying God's word ever since this all happened...the worst part is; when I opened the Bible; I turned right to Galations 5 verses 7-10 "you were doing so well! Wo made you stop obeying the truth? How did he persuade you? It was not done by God, who calls you. " It takes only a little yeast to make a whole batch of dough rise" as they say. But I still feel confident about you. Our life in union with the Lord makes me confident that you will not take a different view and whoever he is, will be punished by God". It's amazing how God can speak to us in our deepest darkest hours...I feel a little better; but am still crying and upset. I didnt feel bad while the "affair" continued; but as the dust begins to settle; I feel more horrible than I did before I did the "deed".<P>Alone

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Dear Alone,<P>Sorry I did not understand the full picture. You are right -- the intrusion into your home is even worse than I thought and I thought it was bad enough. You apologized the next morning because you are a decent person and decent people were taught not to make scenes and slam doors in people's faces. I believe that is why indecent people get away with so much because they have the nerve to do anything and everything, yet we decent people apologize!<P>I am so sorry that you are still feeling depressed but now that you have resolved in your mind that you have done everything to save your marriage, it is time to start saving yourself.<P>Like you, I am my toughest critic. I have spent many years of my life agonizing over "not doing the right thing" or "not saying the right thing". I have not had an A. But I came very close when I found out last year that my H was in touch with the OW and OC. And my reasons were the same as yours. There was a man I knew for years at work who flattered me and paid attention to me. It felt so good and I felt so down that I ended up in his apartment with a box of condoms in my purse (at least I learned something from my OC drama).<P>Just before we were about to act on our passions, the fog cleared for me. And, I told my H what I had done. He was upset and hurt but having been in that same frame of mind himself, he understood. But I still felt awful that I had let myself sink so low that I was actually in another man's house -- so I know how you feel.<P>I forgave myself and I put that experience into my bag of bad times after learning from it. I learned that we have to take care of ourselves. We all have to be loved and validated in some way. And if our H's don't do it then eventually we will find someone else who is willing to do it. <P>I pray that you will forgive yourself, learn from what happened and use it to make yourself a better and happier person. I am happy to see that you are reading the Scriptures, but remember not to read the passages in isolation. Don't pick out the passages that simply condemn what you have done. Read the verses about God's unending love and forgiveness. <P>I am so sorry that you are experiencing this savage pain. I know what it is like to lose the man that you love. I was widowed at a very early age and it took counselling and medication to bring me through that painful experience. My first husband was my childhood sweetheart and I thought I would never, ever, be loved like that again. Several years later, when I was not even looking for love, I met my H who became my best friend. And, even with the problems and the imperfections of our relationship, I have found love with this man, my second H, unlike any love I imagined existed.<P>Endings always lead to new beginnings. If you are sure that this is an ending -- if you have tried everything and firmly believe that it is time for you to move ahead without your H -- then be assured that, with time and healing, you will find your new beginning. And, with God's blessing, it will be with a man who deserves you and recognizes the beauty inside of you.<P>Give into your feelings and grieve for your mistakes and all that you have lost, but don't let that grief drag you down into the "bottomless pit". Stay strong and keep looking ahead.<P>I will pray for you this week that you find the inner strength that keeps us all going.<P>love<BR>- heavenly<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited March 11, 2001).]

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We are our own worst critics. I'm so sorry for your pain. You are still a child of God, and when we come to Him in sorrow, He can heal us. Your error was perfectly human; at least you recognize it was an error. I think God forgives more perfectly than we forgive ourselves. Your father wronged you by not honoring a commitment to you. Your H wronged you and your children by not honoring a commitment to you and your children. <P>What I hope for you now is healing. I hope you can get some counseling help, some spiritual help, and find wholeness and happiness for you and your children. Life breaks us down but we have to keep swimming for the LIGHT (especially when the other 'fish' are pooping in our pool! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com])... <P>Angel wings flying your way!<BR>J

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I agree w/ you. There's no use telling your H. Either he won't are or will justify his own behavior.<P>My H and I have been seperated 2 yrs. this month. Last year I was beyond a mess. This year things are better between us but we're not together. I don't now what I want any more. He had an Ow which he still works w/. I don't know what is going on w/ that any more.<P>Mostly why I'm writing is I started a new job and met a guy and we started talking and having fun at work. Then it turned into more. My H has no idea about it. And I plan to keep it that way. Well this guy and I "hung out" for about 6 months. It was great to feel wanted and have fun. I got caught up in it. I know part of mine was I felt worthless an ugly cause my H wanted Ow and not me. Well in Jan. MF decides he's not ready for a realtionship. HELLO?? So now not only do I not have my H, I also have a broken heart from MF.<P>I feel like a fool, like no one is ever going to love me and so on.<P>Reading your post I understand. Cause I'm there too. I think about him (MF) constantly. I know it's a lot about putting my feelings on him. It's crazy. I just wanted to say I feel for ya. And I don't think you should tell H.

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Jld;<P>You read my mind and my feelings exactly about OM. We had good times together and he made me feel good about myself and made me feel attractive and wanted again. I think that I havent honestly felt that way in about 3 years. My H never showed me any affection; not like that...No deep intimate moments and no deep passionate kisses which I have longed for. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Friends say OM is scared because of both of our positions..Neither one of us are divorced and the reason we are getting divorced (both Om and I) is because of our respective spouses betrayal and if we continue that makes us hypocrites. If we wait it out until we are divorced..then it's legite...and we know that neither of us caused the other to waiver and change the other's mind about possibly saving the marriage...I think mine is dead. My H showed me that by bringing OW to my home and flaunting it yet again in my face. It hurt so deeply I didnt know who or what to turn to and OM was there..We had been talking and flirting for a while; but never acted on it. I just have to forgive myself because I know these feelings I am having for OM are wrong and I need to sort through the cobwebs and wait until the dust and the "fog" clears and figure out where to go from here. Thanks for the post..It echoes exactly how I'm feeling; I went out on a limb and allowed myself to feel something that I never thought I would feel for another person other than my H and now I'm left broken hearted-AGAIN!!!!<BR>God bless you all...<BR>ALONEANDSAD [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Dear Alone,<BR>Just one question....has ow ever asked you for your forgiveness? When I was going thru not being able to forgive my ow a very wise person pointed out the fact that she had not asked for forgiveness and did not want it. In order for God to forgive us we have to confess to him what we have done and ask his forgiveness. Then he will descend his grace upon us and then we are forgiven. How are you supposed to forgive ow if she has never asked for it?<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>Broken_Wings

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broken_wings;<P>OW has not asked for my forgiveness; furthermore; she doesnt think she has done anything wrong; "It was meant to be" she and my H are "in love" What BS!!! She didnt think that coming to my home was wrong either...she had to follow my H to the door to make sure nothing went on...Please!!! If he wants to be that way; then she can have him because he's of no used to me or my children; he's a p*sspoor excuse for a father and a h...if thats what she wants the heck with him and her both!!! They deserve each other!!!<P>Alone

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Dear Aloneandsad,<BR>Please do not be so hard on yourself.<BR>My H is here and I have had thoughts of still doing back to him what he's done to me.<P>I fantasize of a young stud-muffin and me going at it and H walking in on it!<P>That, to me would equal 1/2 the hell he and ow have put me through.<P>I'm not going to, but I feel your lonliness and can see how easily that situation can happen. Especially with you and om still on the rollercoaster of darkness together. Both of you feeling hurt and needing to be wanted.<P>Now I KNOW you KNOW God forgives you! He knows we are human and will continue to fail at times. He always forgives when we ask with our hearts. And if anyone ever asks with their hearts it's what I've read from you.<P>I will pray for your lonliness to end through a friend or other way.<P>I think lonliness is the hardest thing for us as humans to endure.<P>I wish I could help you in some other way. I feel so much for you today.<P>Bless you dear lady.....<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

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I just wanted to thank you all for your time and generous advice...That is why I come here. Even if my marriage is over; I need to continue to come here for strength and courage to carry on. My life today is not what I thought it was 1 year ago...I knew I was miserable a year ago; but didnt know why...I wish I had found this site then...although I knew OW was pregnant-I had NO clue it was H baby (alledgedly) (I still have serious reservations about that!!!) Anyway-I also wanted to update you all of the situation with OM...since Sunday-I have managed to steer clear of him...How? I havent a clue-because he lives across the hall in my apartment building and he works for the apartment complex!!! (I just hope my toilet doesnt overflow or something like that because he would be the one to have to come fix it; at least this week!!!) My only problem is-I cant stop thinking about him...I accept that my marriage is probably over-well not really; but it's pretty much a fact-I cant keep getting my heart stomped on by my H...someday he will live to regret the wrongs he has committed against me...and he will live to regret the end of our marriage...I may never see that and that's ok; because I know in my heart of hearts that I was faithful to him; even after he moved out and moved in with OW-until the last and final straw!!! Him bringing her to MY home and invading my space with HER and throwing that whole situation up in my face-AGAIN! I'm tired of it all and I cant keep going on like this-There comes a time when one has to cut her loses and move on...and the time has come for me to do that. I love my H and always will, in some way, but I hate what he has done and continues to do to me, my children, and himself...He is only setting himself up for destruction on judgement day. He will have to answer to God for the sins that he has committed and the sin that he caused me to committ. I would have never slept with OM or even turned to OM had H not had the A and then talked about reconciliation knowing what was in my heart then throwing OW up in my face in MY home!!! <P>I have forgiven myself and know that God forgives me and understands that I AM only human and a human can only take so much!!! God has set me free and loosed me from this man (my H) who has hurt me so deeply. Maybe that's why OM came in and out of my life so briefly. He helped me to realize that there is more out there for me and I do deserve better! God has a plan for me and I dont believe that he would allow this kind of pain over and over and over again...I believe that he has loosed me from my marriage and that sadens my heart for me, but mostly my 2 innocent children that I never wanted to see go through the pain of divorce. I did what I could and know that I tried to bring H home...I can end this marriage with a clear concience...and let my H tell my children that I am the bad guy and threw him out. Yes I did and am darn proud of it! He would have continued the A-he told me he would have. Sorry hunny! You cant have your cake and eat it too. My children will see on their own without me having to justify my actions what HE has done and they will understand! I may be the "bad guy"now who threw daddy out...but so what; they still love me and may be angry with me; but in time when they are old enough; they will understand; then I will have my justification! <P>I will continue to post here and stay in touch-but I am not going to persue my marriage any more. It has nothing to do with Om (well, yes it does, in a way)...it has to do with H...H is unwilling to change-he can talk a good game; but when it all boils down to it; actions speak louder than words and he spoke loud and clear! I'm done! I am doing well financially without him; emotionally (questionable-but who would be?) physically, I'm doing better..I've lost 58 pounds and still losing! I dont need him! I wanted him because I love him and wanted to keep my family; but I deserve so much better! I AM worth it and I owe it to myself to move forward without him! My children and I deserve better and there is better out there who will love us and care for us and not take advantage of us and be a parent not a "buddy" to my children!<P>Thanks again! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I am feeling better about everything! I will continue to update you on the situation with H & OM!<P>ALONEANDSAD [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>


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