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Joined: Jun 2000
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<BR>Hi again, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>As most of you know; I have been hoping and praying for my marriage...for my husband to come home to me and our children. We had come close to reconciliation...he hadnt come back home yet, but we were talking and it was good and it seemed as if my prayers were being answered. He's still living in fantasy land with OW and OC playing house; but talking to me on a regular basis and coming to see us on a regular basis....That was good; however I just couldnt get past the visions and the hurt...and another man came along-Telling me how beautiful, sweet, sexy and smart I am...I havent heard that in a loooooong time. Even talking with my husband...I'm not trying to justify my actions...but it just felt so good to hear it and to have attention paid to me..to be touched and to be looked at like I matter....So one thing led to another and bam! I commited adultery=which makes me no better than my H. I was hurting and aching and lonely because I go to bed every night by myself while he wraps his arms around another woman. My H doesnt know about it...but I do and God does and that's the worst...I had started to have feelings for this man, now he calls me and says that he is not ready for a relationship....Why am I not worthy of anyone? Why should I expect that I would be? My own father doesnt love me; so why would another man, be it my H or any other man find me worthy? I feel like for every step that I have taken forward during this whole process I have taken 15 steps backward. Until this man, I was prepared to restore my marriage and bring my H back home; now I'm not sure what I want....If I can fall this easily for someone else; how can I be sure that if my H came, that I wouldnt stray in a moment of weakness and frustration and hurt like I did a week ago? I feel like such an idiot! I gave up on God, myself and my marriage in one single moment of stupidity. I let myself feel something for someone else that I didnt know was possible....I thought that I would love my H forever...I messed up!<P>Let me digress...it got kicked into high gear when my H brought OW to my home...to my door to my space. I was hurt and angry and discouraged because I saw them walking arm in arm; hand in hand toward my door..and it hurt; it hurt real bad. It broke my heart in half. This is how it happened...then this man expressed a little bit of interest and I just let loose. I havent hurt like this or felt this inadequate in a long time. Why?<P>I have nowhere to turn but here. I dont know what to do. Why did it hurt me so badly that this man I have only been seeing called me to say that he doesnt want a "relationship"? I guess maybe I figured that I committed adultery so God wont allow me to restore my marriage. They say it always gets worse before it gets better. I am so tired of hurting and being alone. I just wish that my H and I would have done more than talking...I wish he would have asked me if he could come home....He told my children that there is definately going to be a divorce and that it is my fault because I threw him out. Maybe I did react harshly when I found out about OW and OC all in one horrible day..and what did he expect?<BR>I dont know what to do!!! <P>AloneandSad (again) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: Jan 2001
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Dear aloneandsad,<BR>I know a little bit about what you are feeling. When my h was "living with" the ow after I kicked him out, I too screwed up many times. I didn't know about the Harvey philosophy then, so not only did I react to the affair by kicking him out, but I went on a couple of dates while he was gone AND one time that he came home I freaked out over the continual mental images I had about him and ow having sex, so I kicked him out AGAIN.<BR>When I went on the dates - one was a "fix-up" by a well-intentioned friend and one was with a former flame who I had been briefly engaged to - I just ended up feeling horrible about myself. Not only that, but (here is my deepest darkest secret that will forever shame me, please don't throw stones) the former flame was technically still married at the time, though he had been separated from his wife and the divorce became final shortly afterwards. Oh, how I regret ever seeing him. I will never know if my date with him compromised any chance of him reconciling with his wife. I don't think there was any chance of it anyway, but I do know his obsessive feelings for me during their marriage were part of what led to their separation in the first place. <BR>Here is the story of that: I met him when I was a teenager. He was a couple of years older and had a two-year-old daughter from a teenage romance. After we became serious, the old girlfriend asked him to get back together for the sake of the child. I backed out and broke up with him, thinking that it was the right thing to do, and they eventaully got married. He joined the service, they all moved to a different country for a few years. In the meantime, I met and married my h. I had absolutely no contact with him at all during the years that followed. Then, right at the same time the affair began, he began calling me, saying that he had filed for divorce and that he heard that my h was living with another woman and wanted to know if we could go out to dinner. And in my stupid quest to do something, anything, that wwould make me feel better, I went out on a date with him. What a mistake. Not only did my h find out - which contributed to him continuing the affair for even longer than I think that he would have under other circumstances, but it also led to my former boyfriend becoming very obsessive in thinking that he had "a chance" with me. Over the past four years since h and I got back together, he has managed to track me down everywhere we have moved. We have had to change our phone numbers so often it isn't even funny. He has even been known to sit outside of my parent's home in his car to watch my little sister go in and out because she looks so much like me, or at least she looks the way I did back when we were dating. So just by agreeing to see him that one time, I fed into his sickness at the same time that I added fuel to the affair. both of which come back to haunt me now. I am always thinking that if I had only not gone on that date, oc would never have been conceived. So that is my burden of guilt and shame.<BR>aloneandsad, please don't beat yourself up over this too much. the only way that I have been able to forgive myself is by telling myself that God knows that I am truly remorseful and that He has forgiven me for it. i am sure that God knew how messed up and devestated I was over my h sleeping with another woman, just as I am sure that he understands your pain. So when you ask for forgiveness, I know He will give it to you. what you did was wrong, no doubt about it, but one bad mistake does not make you a bad person. It sounds to me that you allowed yourself to be used in a moment of great weakness. You just have to learn from it and go on.<BR>i don't know if it helped at all that I sahred that story - I hope it does.<BR>So what is going on now? I thought that you and h were going to reconcile?<BR>Anyway, I will be praying for you.<BR>With love,<BR>-cd


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