Dear lsb,<P>You asked Jenny for some advice, so excuse me if I interject here.<P>I have accepted that this is the life I have now but that only materialized after more than a year of searching my soul and fending off the bitterness and anger you are experiencing now.<P>Lsb, it has only been a few months since discovery for you. Your feelings are far too raw to even consider accepting your situation and moving on. It took 3-4 months before I even felt human and as I said more than one full year of rigorously working on the problem to come to this point.<P>All of the books that I have read state that the changes that your marriage is experiencing are like the death of a loved one. There are stages that you must go through in order to heal. Anger and denial are the first stages, but then they are followed by sadness, acceptance and a desire to move forward and get back to the business of living.<P>Considering how new this is to you, I feel you are doing a tremendous job of coping. The anger lasts for a very long time. I personally feel you need to give in to it, but not direct it at your H. That is why it was so great to come here and vent. Then I could turn my full attention on the healing process with my H.<P>Individual counseling may be just what you need. But, until then if you have something negative to say, say it to us -- not to your H. It is difficult at this time not to further damage the love you have for each other by recriminations and anger. So, be wary of falling into that trap.<P>You are doing just fine. It's just a long, twisting road and you've only started the journey. Many of us have made it through and we can help you make it also.<P>God bless you,<BR>heavenly

CD Well put! LOL Hopeful1

heavenly26, I agree, I know what I am experiencing are the classic signs of grief, know anger is right up there. My H thinks my anger is fueled by my postings on marriage builders, I tell him it is my one outlet to really share what I feel with others who have been through it all. I agree- I should let my anger at him in another direction, although there certainly is part of me that wants him to know how angry I am, how disappointed I am with him, how hurt he has made me feel. Not for pennance, just for me to see if he gets it. He has admitted over and over to me how what he did was wrong, inexcusable, indefensible,a nd that I did not deserve this. This behavior is so unlike him that it has all been such a shock to me. I think the shock is wearing off-now I face the emotions I am stuck with for the rest of my life. I feel as if every day I will have to deal with this, and I hate that thought. But I see you and Jenny moving on, and others, and I hope that will be me soon. I do think I am not doing too badly- I am working, I have not quit, I haven't even called in a sick day, I am with my kids with their usual activities, etc. I am barely making it, but I am making it. Heavenly, how long were you married when affair occurred? How old is OC? Are you a contact or no contact family? REfresh my memory of your story.Thanks.

I REALLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. MY KIDS ARE 13, 11, AND 9 AND I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE DISTANCE BUT IT WAS THE TOTAL OPPOSITE THEY WERE SO ACCEPTING. AND I AM SAYING TO MYSELF IF THEY ONLY KNEW. I AT ONE TIME DID NOT WANT TO HAVE CONTACT EITHER BUT WE DISCUSSED IT AND I SAID I RATHER H HAVE OC HERE THAN TO SNEAK AROUND AND DO IT IF I WANTED TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.BELIEVE ME IT IS HARD BUT THE MORE I SEE OC THE EASIER IT GETS. BUT I ALSO TOLD H THAT AT OC AGE I AM NOT ACTING LIKE MOMMY OR STEPMOM UNTIL I AM COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE. THE OC IS ABOUT 6 MOS. IMAGINE THAT GETTING HER EVERY OTHER WEEKEND FROM FRIDAY TO SUNDAY. AND I SAID TO MY H THAT THE OW IS CRAZY FOR LETTING HER CHILD STAY OUT SO YOUNG FATHER OR NO FATHER.BABIES THAT SMALL NEEDS THEIR MOTHER AT NIGHT. WHEN THE OC COMES OVER I MAKE H DO EVERYTHING FROM BATHING,FEEDING,GETTING UP AT NIGHT YOU NAME HE DOES IT. THIS PROVES TO HIM THAT SENSE YOU WANT CONTACT YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL THE WAY. REMEMBER YOU TO CAN GET UP AND GO ANYTIME YOU FEEL AT THIS POINT YOU DON'T AVE TO HANG AROUND GO OUT AND DO SOMETHINGS BY YOURSELF OR WITH FRIENDS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT TIED DOWN.I PERSONALLY COULD NOT AFFORD A COUNSELOR SO WE HAD TO COUNSEL OURSELVES WITH WHAT IS NOT 100% COMFORTABLE BUT IS A START FOR ME.

I REALLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. MY KIDS ARE 13, 11, AND 9 AND I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE DISTANCE BUT IT WAS THE TOTAL OPPOSITE THEY WERE SO ACCEPTING. AND I AM SAYING TO MYSELF IF THEY ONLY KNEW. I AT ONE TIME DID NOT WANT TO HAVE CONTACT EITHER BUT WE DISCUSSED IT AND I SAID I RATHER H HAVE OC HERE THAN TO SNEAK AROUND AND DO IT IF I WANTED TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.BELIEVE ME IT IS HARD BUT THE MORE I SEE OC THE EASIER IT GETS. BUT I ALSO TOLD H THAT AT OC AGE I AM NOT ACTING LIKE MOMMY OR STEPMOM UNTIL I AM COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE. THE OC IS ABOUT 6 MOS. IMAGINE THAT GETTING HER EVERY OTHER WEEKEND FROM FRIDAY TO SUNDAY. AND I SAID TO MY H THAT THE OW IS CRAZY FOR LETTING HER CHILD STAY OUT SO YOUNG FATHER OR NO FATHER.BABIES THAT SMALL NEEDS THEIR MOTHER AT NIGHT. WHEN THE OC COMES OVER I MAKE H DO EVERYTHING FROM BATHING,FEEDING,GETTING UP AT NIGHT YOU NAME HE DOES IT. THIS PROVES TO HIM THAT SENSE YOU WANT CONTACT YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL THE WAY. REMEMBER YOU TO CAN GET UP AND GO ANYTIME YOU FEEL AT THIS POINT YOU DON'T AVE TO HANG AROUND GO OUT AND DO SOMETHINGS BY YOURSELF OR WITH FRIENDS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT TIED DOWN.I PERSONALLY COULD NOT AFFORD A COUNSELOR SO WE HAD TO COUNSEL OURSELVES WITH WHAT IS NOT 100% COMFORTABLE BUT IS A START FOR ME.

Dear lsb,<P>My story is rather unusual and I have one of the oldest OC's on the board - she is about to turn 11 years old. My H and I have been married for 20 years.<P>Why my story is unusual is because I did not start to deal with the OC issue until two years ago. OC was born at a time when I was in deep depression over infertility and H and I had been trying for years to have a child. Inability to conceive and then multiple miscarriages had really driven me over the edge.<P>When my H had to tell me that another woman had so easily conceived his child, something that I had been trying to do for so long, he told me that he never thought I would recover from the blow. To make a long story short, we decided after one year that because of the extremely painful situation, it was best not to have any contact with OC.<P>My H arranged CS payments and that was the end of it. But not really, I fell in and out of depressions, accused him of resuming relationship with OW, and basically had a very rocky marriage. Then two things happened, my H admitted that he was sneaking to see the OC and I found MB. The wonderful men and women on this board forced me to look at some hard issues and to decide what it is that I really want for my marriage and my life.<P>Here I am, a year later, with a much deeper understanding of where my marriage went wrong and with a much stronger and happier marriage than I have had in a very long time.<P>I have finally felt secure enough to tell my H that if he wanted to continue seeing the OC, while I could not participate in that, he was free to do it on his own. My H decided on his own that he wanted to concentrate on our new relationship together.<P>He also admitted that many of the things he had done behind my back were out of fear that the OW would make things harder for us financially and emotionally if he resisted. But I am fully convinced that there never was any real love between them and there is certainly none there now.<P>It's been a long road, but I believe the benefits have been worth the trouble. <P>I won't tell you it is easy, lsb, to rebuild the marriage or to accept the changes. But, I know in my case, whenI really looked at the marriage that I had lost, there were lots of things that I needed to lose anyway. Some of the aspects of my old marriage were not that great. We were missing a great deal of communication and we were not opening up to each other to fulfill each other's needs.<P>I can honestly say that I can now tell my H anything and I am shocked at the way this, normally quiet man, opens up to me and tells me what he needs. So, give yourself time. It can work and it can be good again.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

ISB;<P>I clearly feel your pain...I cant offer any advice as to how to accept OC: It may come in time; It may not...My advice may not be worth too much-because I am divorcing...It is up to you..I just want you to know before you do....It is painful for everyone involved...Children, You; and yes; even WS (whether they want to admit it or not) I have finally (10 months after discovery) seen OC in person. It wasnt as hard as I thought it would be...but that was because of the strength I have found in God and through LOTS ( and I do mean LOTS) of counseling. Dont discount what you can do...You will be surprised at what you can do (through your prayers and the prayers of others). I just want you to think it through before you end it all. <P>As to how to tell your 8 year old and 4 year old...I was forced to. My hand was forced by H. I begged him not to introduce OC to my then 5 year old and 3 year old; but he was on such an ego trip (Im a big man; I have testosterone and just fathered a child by a woman who is not my wife) I begged him to wait...he didnt; so I had to explain it. There is no easy way and thee will be a lot of painful questions; but you answer them the best way you can without making their father look like the selfish self centered thoughtless jerk that he may be. If they think he is a saint (even though every bone in your body and every nerve in you is screaming to say what a terrible thing he did to you and them) you have allow them to discover it on their own and in due time it will come out and you will be vindicated. They will then praise you for handling it it with dignity and grace.<P>No matter what happens...I will be praying for you and everyone on this site. You may not see me much...because this is a site dedicated to rebuilding marriages...and I am ending mine..<P>Good Luck! I'll be praying for you and I will check in on occasion.<P>God bless you and your family!<P>Aloneandsad

<B>Dearest Members of the Pregnancy/Child Forum</B><P>I am sorry that this situation requires I repeat this message and action again. I hope you will all understand. <P>I have locked this thread not because of its originator or any other legitimate poster. I have done this because of the posting of other people and the cruel things that were said.<P><BR><B>I am asking that any of the threads/posts from these members in question be ignored and for no one to respond. A few people have already said that if they are ignored they will go away. I believe that is exactly what will happen.</B><P>In advance I appreciate your cooperation in this matter. It's more than overdue for this forum to be the safe place it was intended to be. <P>------------------<BR><B>Xarelel</B><BR><I>Moderator of Pregnancy/Child Forum <BR>& CO-Moderator of Recovery Forum</I><p>[This message has been edited by Xarelel (edited April 23, 2001).]