Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
We went to mediation yesterday. The first session anyway. If I had to sum it all up, I would say things turned out in our behalf. Several little small, sweet victories in the name of trying to do what we feel is right, while at the same time not becoming a victim of a foolish, vindictive woman.
1. I had a chance to talk to her father while my H and she were in the mediation room. Her father seems to be her sole support system for now. He seems like he understands the fact that my husband and I want to try to do what's right for this innocent little girl. He's truly on the baby's side. He admitted that he had been an absentee father and I really felt his pain. I guess to sum it all up, I feel like we have an advocate on the other side. He understands the stress of the situation and seems to respect what we are trying to do.

2. The mediator told my H that the baby's mom (xow) was more than likely intimidated by the fact that we sent her a four-count complaint via certified mail regarding cs, custody, communication, and paternity testing. In our case, she was the defendant, my H was the plaintiff. When my H told me this, my response to him. was 'good'! She threw the first stone by claiming she had engaged Child support enforcement. We found out in mediation that she led about that. Nowhere in the system was there a case for her against my H.

3. I get to enjoy the sweet (albeit small) victory of beating her with her own stick. She thought she could threaten me and my H into doing what she wanted us to do. Never in my life did Jesus' teachings on turn the other cheek make sense to me. She needed to understand that she COULD NOT control us by trying to intimidate us with threats. She thought the child support enforcment threat would take something from us and make us comly to her dangerous wishes. We wouldn't allow her to take anything...no, we'll give it willingly before we bow down!

4. We get to see the baby without her present. I'm still not sure if I want to be there for that first visit. I'm starting to realize that I'll relive the grieving process over and over again for a while. Not sure if I'm ready to see her in person. She's a cute little girl. Her father had to almost make her give us a picture.

5. She said something that showed her true character. She mentioned to the mediator during the session that 'this is my first born child, and they (me and my H) don't have any children..'
Of course both the mediator and my H were confused. They didn't know what she was trying to imply. We're still not sure what she could have meant, but could it be a hint of further intimidation???? If so, she really has no reason to feel that way. I, nor my husband have no desire to take the baby...no, we'd rather concentrate on building our own family.

6. She is slowly being exposed to all involved as the liar she is. She's unstable and downright hard to reason with. I almost felt a little sorry for her, but not quite there yet.

7. Her father agreed to be a go-between for the first visit. He'd drop off the baby wherever my H wants.

For those that have decided to include the baby/oc in your lives, please keep us in your prayers. This is a small victory, but the battle is still on the horizon.

Love you all...thanks for listening!

MM


Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 303
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 303
Dear Matthew,

I just wanted to say Congratulations!
It sounds as if you and H are on the right path.
Im so happy the truth is coming out and its working
in your favor. I'll keep you in my prayers that it
continues to go well for you!!!


Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 971
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 971
Dear Mat.
sounds like overall it's going well for you. I am so glad!

We are about to go into mediation too. I was wondering if, when you have a minute, you could describe for me what mediation was like - I mean the procedure and all that. I know it probably varies from state to state, but I would like to have some idea of what to expect, and right now I don't have a clue.

Thanks,
cd


Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 1,169
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 1,169
Matthew,
Good to hear things are going your way. Its good to hear when someone is getting somewhere in all this mess. with love flowerseed

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 901
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 901
Dear Matthew,

Havent seen much from you lately, but of course I am just now back on myself. You really helped mea lot during the time when I was "junior member" and I want to thank you for that.

We do not have oc in our lives ...choice of ow, which is fine with me, but I will be praying for you.

Love and Prayers,

bw


Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
CD,
I'm sorry it's taken so long to respond.
I've browsed some of your posts and it looks like you've had some contact w/ xow in your lawyers office?
Well...if you have, I don't need to tell you how awkward the whole thing can be. I felt many things within a span of two hours. I'll list them for you:
angry, sad, embarassed, confident, vindicated, aggravated, superior (to xow), in control, victorious.
The reasons behind the negative emotions are obvious. But the positive emotions can be explained in one of two ways...maybe even both. Here goes:
I'm plum crazy OR
I feel like she has to face me and can't deal with it. She could barely look me in the eye. She got caught in one of her lies.

But regardless of what shape you're in when you leave, you'll go through the grieving process all over again. I felt good afterwards, but a couple of days later, I was down.
Be prepared!


Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 1,169
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 1,169
up

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 661
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 661
MM:

Thanks for posting this.

I'm glad it worked out pretty well for you.

Having to deal with this is a big "trigger" setting folks in a tailspin back to dealing with all the emotions they have when an affair is first uncovered. I can understand how you'd feel down again afterward.

You did a really great job through it.

How is your recovery going otherwise?

All the best.
--HBC


Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
HBC,
The recovery process is done from that mediation session. But the mediation session started a whole new can of worms...coming to the realization that I may be dealing with this woman for quite some time.
What I'm dealing with now is anger and rage. I'm finding that even though I've forgiven my H for what he did to our present and future family (imagine explaining this to grandkids?) I still feel a lot of anger towards the both of them. I've gone over the reasons why I have a right to feel angry over and over again.
I'm starting a Sunday School class tomorrow on healing for damaged emotions. I just don't want this anger to fester and become something I pass on to my future children. Can you imagine my children, and children's children dealing with mistrust and anger just because I can't let this go?
Pray for me...I'll keep you all in my prayers!

MM


Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
Dear Matthew6,

I just wanted to offer support and let you know I am praying for your recovery. Please let us know what you learn in the class for healing damaged emotions. I think that would be helpful for us all.

I know how you feel about the anger at dealing with this person for years to come and explaining the situation to future generations. The problem with the OW/OC is that it is not a situation that heals and passes, it is a whole change of the fabric of our lives.

Coming to the realization and accepting that our lives will be different forever was the hardest part for me. I fought that loss of control kicking and screaming for a very long time. But once the dust clears and you make the decision to re-commit to the man that you married, you focus on that commitment and everything else starts to fall into place.

Oh I still have my days when I would like to break all the glass in the house, but they are fewer and farther between. The anger is slowly being replaced by acceptance and, more than that, a desire to make this new life as good as it can be.

Let us know how your class goes.
love,
heavenly


Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 661
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 661
{{{MM}}}:

I am glad that one part of the healing process has begun. And I am very sorry that part of it cannot be...

One thread that I don't remember seeing on the "Notable Threads" Thread (gee whiz, could I say "thread" just one more time in this sentence? Doh! ) was one that talked about ways BSs had let go of the anger and the hurt they felt because of the affair.

One that I did (I mentioned this in another thread here...) was to write down the hateful things I wanted to say to the OW and then to burn the bits of paper. I used nicely scented candle to light the edges of the papers on fire (standing over the kitchen sink) and I watched them burn, saying a little prayer of sorts to let me channel all of my bad feelings into that paper.

I don't know if Smokey the Bear would approve of my methods, but after writing and burning a lot of paper I feel better. I still have the knowledge of what went wrong and I'm learning how to fix it....Perhaps this might help you on your road to healing? Perhaps others have other tips to share?

All the best to you.
--HBC



Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 40 guests, and 61 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,565
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5