Hello,<P>I have a situation that may be different because my husband has been with the OW until just recently-oc is 5 months old and I am at a crossroads as to what to do. I would be interested in hearing your input.<P>In summary, we married Nov 1995. Quickly our marriage became rocky due to his increasing work schedule and my unmet desire to have some of my needs met (time with him, sexual intimacy, conversation). My husband started working more which angered me more. He is in a family business (auto repair) so it was partly by choice. My husband took up a dragracing 9 months into our marriage without consulting me and I resented it. It took up most of his weekends from spring to fall then most of the fall & winter he would work on his race car. I became more & more angry and verbalized it. He withdrew more & more from me.<P>Our marriage stayed rocky but smoothed out a bit and I became pregnant. August 1999 I met a "friend" of his (14 yrs our junior-we are 36 now) while I was 8 months pregnant. She was going to the racetrack and apparently hung out at his work. I knew she was a threat to our marriage and asked him to quit inviting her and to tell her to get lost. He didnt. Our son was born Sept 1999 and my husband moved out 6 weeks later.<P>He started the A shortly thereafter which resulted in her pregnancy. He finally told me in April 2000 that he had been unfaithful & ow was pregnant. I had been in counseling since November 1999. I had just filed for divorce since he had made no attempt to work on our marriage while ever denying the suspected affair. He told me he wanted to break off with her and work on fixing us. I agreed. Less than a week later it was apparent he was not going to leave her and was not going to work on us. This happened 3 times from April to September.<P>I was not "at peace" with the divorce so I changed it to a legal separtion so I would have financial protection. I also had stumbled across this site and begun a type of plan A-failure, then plan B-failure, and finally realized I could not concentrate on him and me so I started working on me and left this site (sad in st louis). The legal separation occured in August 2000. He was upset and asked me not to divorce him, he would break if off with her. I told him once the baby was born, it would be too late to work it out with me but reconciliation was my real desire. He did nothing to try to reconcile with me. I began to follow a plan B of just being pleasant but no contact (except about our son) I truly had no love for him and planned on divorcing him by the end of the year 2000.<P>The baby was born in November 2000 and he was with her during the birth. Soon after, he asked me to reconcile-he was still with her and told me he wanted to make sure if he left her I would be available. I said no...its too late. He proceeded to fix up a house that her family was going to sell him and they were going to live together. Later he decided he would rent the house to her so she and his daughter would have a place to stay. (she already had a child when she was 15 yrs and still lives at home ). Sometime after Christmas 2000, he decided he was going to sell the house for a profit once her family sold it to him. Once her family realized he was not going to move into the house with her, they decided not to sell him the house and are selling it to her. He has $10,000 invested in the repairs and improvements but they arent going to reimburse him. He met with a lawyer and was told it would be tough as everything was verbal with them selling him the house.<P>In January 2001, I met with a new lawyer for consultation since my original lawyer made many mistakes with my custody time. I began negotiating with my husband on custody issues so we could finalize the divorce without having to go to court. He told me he was breaking it off with her and again asked me to reconcile. I again said no because I saw no remorse, only regret that he was in a mess.<P>I began going to a 13 week "Divorce Care" group. At the end of the session, the issue was that reconcilation is the best way to go but if adultry was committed, the other party has to be out of the picture. OW will never be out of the picture since they have a child-just as many of you are now dealing with too. He sees his new daughter often and I do not have a problem with that. She is the innocent party. He has "broken" up with his partner but still takes her out to dinner and is helping her with the paperwork to buy the house he fixed up (she told him she would take an excess loan and pay him the $10,000).<P>Just recently, my husband again asked me to reconcile. He will not tell her he is wanting to reconcile with me because she might get mad and not give him the money.<P>My question is...if I decide to reconcile, is it possible for our marriage to work, given the fact he left me for her and only now, over a year later, "wants to work it out with me"? Also, when DDay occured over 1 year ago, I told him my "list of demands" to reconcile. He basically ignored them and went with her. Now that maybe he is serious (Im not really sure he is serious because he has changed his mind so much) how do I handle this? Most of you have husbands that stayed with you and had ended the affair right away. Have any of you had a WS who wanted to come back after the child was born.<P>Anyway, any advice, input, stories or help you have would be most welcome.<P>Thank you for your time.<P>PressingOn

Unfortunately I don't have much advice for you. I have no experience in a WS that has tettered on staying and going. I do know there are some women here who have and they should be along to give some words of advice. Do remember it is slow on the weekends. You should see some more responses during the weekdays. <P>Good luck,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

PressingOn,<BR>Yes there are women here that can relate to what you are going through hopefully they will be along to offer you some answers. I dont see why as long as h is willing now to prove that he wants his family why it couldnt be done. Even though a lot of us had h that started working on things as soon as we were told they still before we knew were doing the same things your h has done. We are 2yrs into recovery oc is 1 1/2 yrs old we have no contact and never will. Sorry you have to be here hope things get better for your family. with love flowerseed

PressingOn,<P>While I am not in your shoes, I have read from many of the forum members, and from their posts, it sounds as if your H was in a fog during your seperation. Sometimes it can take more than a year for that fog to lift. I would definately lay down some "rules" if you are willing to reconcile, such as, if he is to be involved in his OC's life, you both make any and all decisions regarding visitation, whether you want to be present at those visits or not. Like many of the other women here, you should determine who will be the one the OW is to contact. A lot of the women here are the contact, or only if both of you are around for things like phone calls. Your H needs to understand that if he truly wants to reconcile, he will have to prove it. It's the "tough love" type of thing, but do it without love busting. It can work, but only if he is truly willing to work on rebuilding your marriage.<P>I don't know how much help I may have been, but that is what I have learned from others in your shoes. Hopefully there will be others along soon.<P>Tigger

Pressing on,<BR> It sounds to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Is that the way the saying goes? Sounds like what my ex "boy"friend used to do to me. Always keep one around as a "fall back". Maybe he can change. I know my H did a complete turn around when I left him for a month and straightened up. But that was before we were married. Set demands. Give him a trial period. Good luck.

ZebraBaby, Flowerseed, Tigger, Jessry<P>Thanks for responding to my ultra long post. I wish I knew what to do.<P>I asked h tonight what he meant by wanting to reconcile and let him talk. He said he saw a Dr on TV who said "how can you tell your child it didnt work if you never tried to not divorce". H said any answer h gives our son will be lame. Then he said I will also have to explain to our son why we divorced and implied my reason would not be acceptable to our son. I didnt say anything but was screaming inside...DONT YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE ANOTHER CHILD...WHILE WE ARE MARRIED...WITH SOMEONE ELSE???...YOU LEFT ME...WHAT COULD I DO WHEN YOU WOULDNT WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE BUT CHOSE TO STAY WITH OW UNTIL REALITY HIT???. Honestly I didnt say a word but just listened to him.<P>H proceed to tell me, he doesnt mean going to a counselor right away or deciding right away if we could make it work but he said he knows he would need to make changes in how he is and would want to see changes in me too. He said he wouldnt even know where to begin to start. After he was done all that I said was "everything Ive read, every expert that Ive listened to, all have said that reconciliation cannot begin until the 3rd party is out of the picture". He just nodded his head but said nothing. Thats where we left it.<P>What do you think about that exchange??/

I would think it is time for Plan A or Plan B, whichever is more appropriate. Since I've never had to do either, I can't say, but I have heard great things about them at Marriagebuilders. Hope someone gives you that advice soon.<P>prayers,<BR>J

PressingOn.... you and I could almost exchange stories and wouldn't have to do too much editing. My H has sat on the fence until I think it has grown into him! <P>Short version of my story... DDay was 1/2000. I filed for D to protect my children, then told my H that I knew about affair. He wasn't remorseful, other than getting caught. Things went up & down & it looked like we might stay together. I worked hard at it all. He was in the room... but not much of an active participant. I wanted this to work form my children. Then in 3/2000 he admits OW is pregnant (he knew in Dec & had kept this secret). Again, shattered trust, but I kept trying. We were doing fairly well, D was just in limbo. Then in July I take a trip to see my inlaws (yes... his parents) and OW gives birth. I had said "no" to him being at hospital & supporting her through birth. He went anyway & told me when I got back from trip. Again, I presented my list of "demands". These included no contact, but if contact had to occur I should know about it immediately (they worked together & still do... so that has been a big problem with the no contact stuff). At Dec. of 200 I told him that in January I wanted him to leave & go figure this out (my Plan B). He left, but was still around to see boys & stay here on weekends (I did a bad Plan B). He didn't live with OW, but has admitted to sleeping over there on occasion (yes... nothing I agreed to at all). He was telling me that his plan was OW woudl see that he wasn't with me, but he also wasn't with her and that she would get disgusted and move on. Yes... hard to beleive he actually thought that. And once again.... he has NEVER TOLD OW that he wants to be here and wants to be with our boys. He only tells me that. <P>This past weekend he tells me that he really just wants to be here and has no feelings for OW and that he has been in denial about all this stuff & the damage he has caused. I didn't even bother asking "have you told her that?". It would be a waste of my breath. I want this marriage to work, but my H is not an honest person. He never has been when I think about it.<P>Here is what I am going to do. I am going to finish my divorce. If my H wants to work on us getting back together, that is still possible, but it will be a remarriage for us. I don't see anything wrong with that. <P>I almost died laughing when I read your last post & the details of your conversation on divorce! Sorry, I know it isn't funny, but these men who avoid the real problem and strain over some other tiny issue are just FULL OF CRAP! Geezzz...like you are the bad guy here! What a hoot! I think it will be very easy to tell my sons why I am doing what I am doing and how I hope that their father will try as hard as I am to make sure they have a safe and loving home and family. I think you have tried "not to divorce" about as hard as any one woman ever has. Don't feel bad on that one. I am SO PROUD that you didn't even respond. A half-witted statement like one your H made doesn't even merit an answer. <P>If you divorce, your H can still work to be a better man, a better father, a better husband and a better partner. He can leave this OW alone. He can live by himself, or move in with his family, or find a MALE roommate. Then he can try to woo you back. Heck... I think I just stated MY plan! <P>Bless you in your actions. You seem stable and welll grounded. Keep working on you. As long as you know your intentions and purpose, you will be ok. Take care... Carolyn

Takingcare,<BR>You arent joking. Change a few facts and we could be talking about the same situation.<P>Its funny that after I sent this out this weekend and talked to my best girlfriends (who arent against us reconciling and have supported all my attempts to reconcile) I have begun to realize (again) that I can not do this without his trying too. I understand the plan A & B principals and I have read numerous books on adultry but most of the books as you may be aware, do not handle the issue of another child and that changes the dynamics.<P>I believe if he would get real and say, "I want to try...what can we do"...we could do it-with alot of work. I have to face the fact that we are here partly because he refused to do any work before the affair and usually takes the "easy" way out anyway. And I have finally begun doing serious work on me and am not responding to him the same way (as often) as I used to. <P>I like your plan Carolyn, about proceeding with the divorce. I have been planning to go that route but havent hurried it along. I agree that if we divorce that doesnt mean its over, it just means if we begin a new relationship, he would have to have worked on being a better person before we remarry and would have to do some of the work to woo me back.<P>Honestly, only God knows what will happen and I still trust Him.<BR>Thanks for your reply,<P>Kris