My W told me today that D had asked why I haven't seen OC but once and asked if I was OC's daddy. W said that she kind of changed the subject, but I am really worried that D will ask me the same thing. I don't know what to say. My D is only 7 yrs. old and although she is smart, I don't think she is ready to hear the truth, so what should I tell her. <P>On another note, my W is coming to an awards ceremony tomorrow night at my D's school and asked me if I cared if she brought OC!! I can't believe this woman! She said that she didn't have a choice because her mom and grandma wanted to come too and they are the only ones that could take care of OC besides herself. I asked her if she ever thought about how I look to other people when I have nothing to do with OC? Everyone present knows how involved I am with my D's school activities and her life, and I don't want anything to affect my D's routine if someone finds out that OC is not mine and then D overhears them talking. It seems like this whole situation is coming to a head and something is about to give. Prayers needed and appreciated.<BR>Floored

Wow Floored,<P>I am sorry I dont have any wise word of advice or anything, but I am offering my prayers and support.<P>Love<BR>bw

Dearest Floored,<P>I was so saddened to read your post and the frustration that came through in it. I wish that I had some advice for you, but I am at a loss as to what you should do. I will definately continue to pray for you in your situation. I can only imagine the stress it is causing you.<P>Tigger<p>[This message has been edited by tigger4jdt (edited May 22, 2001).]

floored,<P>your wife is a do-do. sorry to say it, but she makes me soo mad. she needs to make up her mind, and tell everyone about the decision. she can't have everything all pretty and perfect. she had an affair, she got pregnant, she is keeping a relationship up with OM, why should you keep protecting her?? everyone makes mistakes, but she isn't even rectifying the one she made. she is living in both worlds, fantasy and real world. <P>your daughter already seems to know the truth. kids are way more perceptive than we think. i think it is actually more destructive to your daughter to think that you don't love her sister. i am sure those thoughts cross her mind as well, and she doesn't need that kind of stress added to what she already has. i knew stuff way before my dad ever told me about them, i think most kids do. <P>i think that if your daughter asks, you should ask her why she would ask that, get a feel for her feelings on it. i really think she already knows, or suspects. otherwise she wouldn't have asked your W that. if she asks YOU, then tell W it is time to face the music. either she does it, or you do. <P>you would think that THAT would have jolted your W into reality. and what is with her family covering for her?? don't they try to talk some sense into her?? i am so frustrated over your W's behavior. she is really in the fog, completely.<P>i will say a special prayer for you. i think you are right, this thing is coming to a head. your W should be the one to explain things to your D. and i think that before she becomes more inquisitive and puts you in a position that you don't want to be in, you need to tell your wife that she needs to talk to her, quick. <P>sorry i got so upset. your wife just upsets me so much, and i feel so sad for you that you are going thru this, and mad at her for not seeing how great you are to put up with all this and keep trying. and i think she is being selfish and cruel. i don't have kids, so don't take anything i said seriously. not being a mom, i have no right to be giving kid advice. i just worry about you. i would like to have a little discussion with your wife...<P>prayers for you,<P>happy_girl

floored,<P>I agree with happygirl. If D asks, ask her why she asks. My son this week asked if I am keeping "any big personal secrets" from him! "why do you ask?" says I. "Cause I want to know more about life" he says. I told him that I have some personal things about me that he just doesn't need to know as an 8y old, and he went on to ask some questions about his grandparents...<P>My point is just what happy said, that maybe your D already has it figured out (kids are smart) and looking for conformation and assurance of her place in life (kids her age need to know nothing in this is their fault, only grown-ups), or maybe she's got something totally different on her mind. And unless you see reconciliation on the horizon, I don't see how you can keep this from your D much longer! The reality IS. <P>I too see your wife living a fantasy. Let her live with the REALITY of what she has wrongly done, and may it be NO bad reflection on YOU! Anyone who puts you down through learning of it doesn't deserve your time anyway. You have been exceedingly patient through this whole ordeal. <P>So sorry for your and D's pain. Godspeed,<BR>J

Dear Floored,<BR>My 8 yr old goddaughter found out at school last week that Mrs.blanks baby is uncle bobby's baby too and asked her mom if baby was her cousin and why did uncle bobby have a baby with mrs. blank if he's married to aunt debi?<P>We have not found the words to answer her.<P>I will go over any thoughts with my sister on how to let her know it was a mistake. I just don't know what to say to her. She has cried in the past over this.<P>When my sister asked her why she was crying she said she was sad for aunt debi.<P>So I think she understands it's not right. I want her to know it's not what happens when two people get married. I don't want her to grow up frightened.<P>I think your D has a clue. If she asks you, maybe you should tell her as simple as you can.<P>"No, I'm not baby's daddy, I am your daddy and love you very much." That may be enough for now.<P>If you and W work things out your D will see you being daddy to C and grow to love and respect you even more as she gets older. <P>What a man you are Floored!<P>I hope I've helped.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Floored:<P>I agree completely with Happy Girl's wisdom on this. And I suggest you see cd's recent post as well.<P>Your daughter is NOT too young to know and I think it is high time you show your daughter the respect of confirming what she already suspects and stop protecting your wife. If your wife has heartburn over you telling your daughter, tell your wife that you have respect for your daughter and that she should not dismiss or underestimate her intelligence. Kids are far, far wiser than we give them credit for.<P>Tell you wife to get a sitter out of consideration for you...and tell her it is the LEAST she can do for you...that she owes this to you and be firm about it.<P>Good luck, stay strong and focused. you're in my prayers.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

floored:<P>I'd vote for the truth too. Your daughter is old enough to know, especially since she's noticed that you've not been spending time with the OC. You might want to discuss this with your wife on the details of who is going to initiate this conversation and what will be said (a violation of Plan B, but appropriate).<P>And as far as the awards ceremony, I would suggest that you ask your wife how she wants the community to view this---if she's willing to go public or not. I'd encourage her to find a baby sitter for THIS event (since your daughter doesn't know yet). Seeing that all three (grandma, mom, and your wife) know the score, one of them should be willing to sacrifice and do this.<P>God bless.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by gemini1:<BR>[B]Dear Floored,<BR>My 8 yr old goddaughter found out at school last week that Mrs.blanks baby is uncle bobby's baby too and asked her mom if baby was her cousin and why did uncle bobby have a baby with mrs. blank if he's married to aunt debi?<P>We have not found the words to answer her.<P>I will go over any thoughts with my sister on how to let her know it was a mistake. I just don't know what to say to her. She has cried in the past over this.<P> Dear floored, i am sorry for your pain. i agree that maybe your daughter knows more than you think. I have come to learn that once just ONE outsider, someone other than the actual parents and BS knows about the OC the secreat will never stay a secreat. GFossip that "good" will get around and will one day smake our kids right in the face. i am DEFINATELY going to make sure I am the one that tells my child. It will be enough trauma coming from me and hubby i can't imagine the trauma if it came from someone else.<BR>

floored,<BR>I to am sorry for your latest pain that the doo doo wife has yet to deal with. I think happy has said already what I would have said its time to let your little one know the truth, since your wife is still living this life she has choose. Why cant the om watch the baby? Good luck let us know what you come up with. with love flowerseed

floored,<P>I agree with everything that has been said, but I would go a step further. I would invite your W to come and join you in explaining to your D what the situation is. But as has been suggested use your D's feelings as a guage for the depth and complexity of the explanation.<P>Your W is her Mother and she should be present to provide part if not all of the explanation. Next I would do as K has suggested, ask your W how she wants to handle other people knowing, your church, friends of D, and your friends. It cannot remain a secret and it is time honesty reared it's ugly head.<P>You need to be honest with D, but do understand that she cannot conceive of the depth of this issue as yet.<P>Sorry, for jumping in, but I am pretty sensitive to this topic.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you friends, for your kind and encouraging words. I know what has to be done, I just don't want too. My W is probably going to skirt around the truth and justify everything which will probably really make me angry and LB. I guess it is best for us both to be there during the explanation and maybe that will make W be more honest. <BR>I told W yesterday that I was probably going to move and she really got upset, hopefully more at herself than me, but I think mostly at me. She knows that I have never been a person who holds grudges, even for this, so I think she will see that I am not doing this to hurt her. I told her that if I wanted to hurt her, I would move to the town I originally grew up in which is 7 1/2 hrs. away. It's not my intention to move so that W will come out of her fog, but I really do hope it will be a catalyst. Any more suggestions for how to say what needs to be said is welcome.<BR>Floored

Hey floored,<P><BR> I think your wife is angry at you because you are forcing her to take a hard look at herself.<P> Linzi is seven, also, and so far she has not asked the question. I think about what my answer would be, and all I could come up with was to tell her the truth, and reasure her that I love her, and lexi, and Mom, even if we can't live together.<P><BR> This is the hardest part!!!<BR> <P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg