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Joined: Sep 2000
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floored Offline OP
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I am confused if it is just my utter disgust for what my W did to me or if I am really trying to do what is best for my kids. My W thinks that there is no reason why our kids can't meet OM's kids soon. My D was talking to W yesterday when she started writing down a new phone number to reach W. When I asked her what that was for, my D said.."it's OM's phone number...". My W has told D that OM is a friend that let's her use his truck to come visit D and S. My D thinks he is cool because she gets to eat his candy from his truck and let's her mom use his truck to come see them. This makes me so mad, but I don't know if I am being mad for the wrong reason.<P>Another thing my W did was let my D talk to OM's kids while she was on the phone. This seemed like a slap in the face to me, but before I confronted my W about it, I talked to a close friend to see what I should do. He suggested that I ask W not to introduce anyone else until the divorce is final. I thought that was a good idea and that is how I approached it when I did talk with W. Well...W said "as far as D knows, we are already divorced, and besides, the divorce is only a piece of paper..." I am so stupified by this attitude that all is well with this situation. After trying to convince her that she could wait a while to physically introduce OM and his kids to our kids, I gave up. She said that she will do whatever she feels is good for the kids. I don't know if I can do anything..I feel helpless. I want what is best for my kids, but I seem to be so deep in this situation that I can't figure out what is best.<BR>Floored

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Dear Floored,<P>I think that you are on the right track as far as not having your children meet the OM's children. That can wait till the divorce is final, and the situation with custody is settled. I read your post with utter disbelief, and discust for your W!!! She has done enough to you, and should bow to your desires as far as the kids are concerned. If she can just up and leave, and make a statement like she did about the divorce, she has no right to dictate who the kids can meet, no matter how you feel about it. She is the one who is in the wrong, with everything she is doing. She is NOT thinking about your D and S, but what she wants to do. She isn't being a mother to your D, she is being a friend. Unfortunately, for your W, when your D finds out exactly what your W did, there will most likely be a lot of bitterness, because of what she chose to do, and it breaking up your family. I am again so tempted to fly out there and seriously knock some sence into her thick skull!! I am so sorry for the pain that she has caused you, and the frustration she is now causing you! I am beginning to wonder if she is in a perminant fog.<P>Sorry, I rambled. It just makes me so mad when I read what you are being put through, that I go on and on! Our prayers are being sent your way in this matter.<P>Tigger

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Oh Floored! What is wrong w/her? Geeze.... I agree w/Tigger on all counts.<P>Especially about when D finds out when she's older. I have to ask you doesn't she MISS mommy? Do your S & D not ask why mommy is gone? I think it's odd if they don't .<P>I'd tell W "no" until everything is final. Kid's have been through enough confusion.<P>Best of luck. Prayers to you.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

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Dear Floored,<P>I dont think you are being unreasonable to wait until<BR>the divorce is final. You do have your childrens' best<BR>interests in mind. Wish I had something concrete to say <BR>but am at a loss... take care, fluke

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floored Offline OP
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I agree with you all, but really, once they leave this house, how can I say what my W does? I agree with you tigger, that my W seems to be deep in the fog. As far as when the divorce is final, like my W said, it's just a piece of paper and my D considers us already divorced. My W thinks life should move on. She thinks OM's kids will just be like new friends..no big deal!! <P>Gem, my kids do miss Mommy but have grown accustomed to her not being here. There were tears and tears at first, but gradually the tears have gone. Now my D crys every once in a while when she is really tired or mad at me and wants her mom.<BR>Floored

Joined: Dec 2000
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Dear Floored,<P>I am sorry for the pain you are in and that this is what has happened to your marriage. I know from reading this board that you tried your best for things to not end up this way. Often the decision of whether or not our marriage continues is not ours to make. Sometimes our spouse makes that decision for us and we have no say in it.<P>As for your children meeting OM's kids, I think that you might have to realize that this is also out of your control. You have stated what your desires are in this matter to your wife. What she does from here is really up to her and considering how many unkind and even cruel things she has done to you in this marriage, I doubt that what you want is going to matter much to her at this point. I think that that is wrong (as are many of the things she has done), but all of us need to be careful to define precisely what is something in our control and what is not. It doesn't make the situation any better, but it can keep us from going nuts trying to change what we can't.<P>Don't know if this helps. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Mrs. Job<P>

Joined: May 2001
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<BR>What is it with these cheaters??? Let's just move on!!! That's all they ever say! They don't seem to care about how their past actions or present behavior effects us or our children. It seems like they can justify everything so that they can feel okay about what they are doing!!!!<P>I'm sorry for what you're going thru floored. But fog or no fog, I personally am sick of it!!!! If I hear, "let's just move on," one more time from my H I'm gonna explode!!!!

Joined: Mar 1999
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floored, are there court guidelines for this or have you guys not used the court system? Would they back you up here (contact with w's boyfriend that destroyed the marriage!)?? If they would, I'd use the courts, otherwise I guess you have no recourse. I'm surprised no one has told your oldest what happened by now... I know you want to protect your kids but in this case, with your marriage basically gone anyway, it seems to me like they deserves to know what happened and where your values stand. <P>Maybe I'm wrong here and forgive me if counselors disagree (Have you gotten any professional advice?), but when we tell our kids about OC (or if daddy ran off with XOW), I want my children to know that what daddy did was wrong by most standards (10 Commandments anyone?), that kids can still love daddy (and even OC) and daddy love them, but that his ACTIONS hurt people wrongly. Maybe this is wrong too but I might hope they'd think XOP wasn't entirely trustworthy, that XOP didn't have their feelings in mind. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable... it is something to repent and ask forgiveness for. Floored, are you protecting your kids, yourself, or your wife, or all of you within your community?<P>My 2cents. No pain intended. You've really been grace under fire!<BR>Prayers,<BR>J

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oops! doublepost <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited June 15, 2001).]

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floored Offline OP
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Mrs. Job,<BR>You're right about not having any control in what my wife does. I told her yesterday that she obviously doesn't know how much she has hurt us and that when she finally does, that she will probably be suicidal. I told her that even though she has hurt me so much, that I still wouldn't wish this pain on her or anyone else, even my worst enemy. She just kinda' blew it off and changed the subject.<P>Mojo7,<BR>I'm with you too!! I feel so helpless and angry when I know I can't do a thing to influence what my W does.<P>Jenny,<BR>I have told my D that divorce is wrong, but the whole concept of divorce has been diluted in my W's family..commitment doesn't seem to mean much there. My W's dad has been married 4 x's, mom 2x's, two younger brothers have already been divorced, etc. etc. I haven't told my D yet that OC isn't mine, but if my W continues with her blatant behavior I might have to use that as a threat to have W stop her little games with OM and his kids. <P>What do you mean about protecting me or my family in the community? I'm sorry, I just don't understand the question.<BR>Floored<P>

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floored,<BR>I just was wondering why not let the situation be out in the open and answer all questions honestly? You've said your D asked about you being the father once. Are you afraid of how people (community) will treat you or your kids or your wife or is it something else?<P>I can see telling wife to wait until the divorce to involve kids w/XOM and his kids, but isn't the truth going to have to come out to your kids eventually, sooner or later? <P>Prayers,<BR>J


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