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Joined: Oct 2000
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blue00 Offline OP
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Yesterday was my 3rd therapy session.Things semm to be going well with the counselor.I am trying to follow her advice although it's still a struggle. <BR> <BR>FF to last night. Around 7:30, a new employee of my H's shows up on my back porch. He's got a few screws loose, so I was a bit concerned. My Hwasn't home yet. He preceeds to tell me that H left our store at 2:00 to go and get some money from the bank for him.Told him he would be right back.Well an hour passed and the guy asks our another employee when is he going to return. She said that H told her that he was taking the rest of the day off for PERSONAL time and that he wouldn't bew able to be reached. Not soon after that, another employee told him that he was going to the neighboring city, where ow lives and that he wouldn;t be back until late. THis guy knows nothing of our situation. He says he has no place to go because he nedds this money to get back into his rented room. Sya he will wait until H comes home. <P>Needless to say at this point I am furious and a bit scared because this guy won't leave. I am also beyond, beyond,because my H took off in the middle of the day togo see oc. Finally, 2 other employess show up at our house to get the guy,but has to persuade him to leave. His workers all tried to pretend that they didn't know where he was ,but I coould tell that they were lying. A ring of deceit. He didn't get home until 11:15,no telephone call,nothing. I went to bed and didn't get up tosee himbecasue I was so furious. This morning I didn't get up to see him off like I normally do. I am frustrated and so angry. He called a little while ago to ask the kids and I to lunch. Not a freakin word or apology ,nothing.Just going on with his life like he's handling everything correctly. He feels justified because he hasn't seen the baby in 3 weeks. He didn't say this ,but I know. I did tell him that I didn't want to hear anything about that situation 3 weeks ago,but I still can't handle this. THere I was last night with a maniac on my porch and he was no where to be found. I have no feeling left for the other situation, I am numb to it. I don't even want to face him.

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Dear Blue,<P>I know that I usually don't post to you, because I usually don't know what to say for your situation. I just felt compelled to post to this, because I can feel your pain through your words! I am sooo sorry that your H is acting this way and being deceitful. I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you, for healing of some sort.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Blue00}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Love,<P>Tigger

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Dear Blue,<BR>I too am upset with what you're putting up with.<BR>I know if you could just ask H you would. You really should. No more yelling. No confrontations. Simply ask. Your heart will tell you if he's lying.<BR>I think you already know he is.....<P>How about plan B? How can you continue waiting for the other shoe to drop?<P>I feel so bad. Honest. Your posts make me so angry. I want to shake your H into the here and now!! If I could I would.<P>Now go ask him what's up. Please. Do it for yourself dear Blue.<P>Prayers coming your way.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

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blue00 Offline OP
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Let me say this, I don't think H is still involved with ow. Sometimes I have doubts ,but I truely don't think they have anything running. I am upset because after 2 years of this crap he still won't do anything permanent about the situation. My H is different, he truely believes that going to see oc is noble. At this point the oc doesn't know him enough to go off with him so he has to have ow or her mother around so oc doesn't freak out. His children come first ,all of them. Also, he has never asked any of our employees to lie for him,they just doit. He just came home and was on the phone with a friend of his. Apparently he asked my H where he was yesterday. His reply,"i wasn't in town." How do I help my H see my point if he thinks that what he is doing is right?

Joined: Jun 2001
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Blue,<BR>How old is OC? I find your statement a little odd about the OC not being able to be alone with H. Why not? Our OC is 5 months old. OC gets somewhat cranky with H but not hysterical. I believe the only way for OC to get to know H is to spend time with him and him alone. The OW does NOT need to be there, ever. Maybe the OW's mother, but not the OW. I feel your pain and I agree with the other's who posted. You are really enduring alot. Maybe too much. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Blue, hugs and tears for you today! I heart hurts with what you are enduring. I hope you find a way to make it better. I haven't walked that road and don't have answers. An advice columnist says no one can mistreat you without your permission... <P>Prayers,<BR>J

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My H hasn't been a regular visitor with oc for the last 6 or 7 months. He only sees her maybe once a month. She doesn't know him.She will be 2 in Sept. I know that my 20 month old son would never go with anyone he doesn't see regularly. OW's mother is leaving to go back home this month.For how long ,I don't know.

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Dear blue00,<BR>I'm sorry your husband didn't communicate his whereabouts with you nor phone home to say he would be late. <P>AND this (strange) person who came to your home decided that they would stay there and wait? Hopefully things have calmed down enough so that you two could discuss things without getting too upset. If you husband is like mine, when I'm emotional, he shuts down and we get nowhere. I have to act business-like and professional, otherwise he simply cannot handle me! It's just the way HE is? Some husbands can handle their wives when they get overly emotional and some can't. My husband cannot. <P>He probably took your instructions (that you didn't want to hear any more about the situation 3 weeks ago) to mean that you didn't want to know when he decided to go visit? Since he knows how you feel he is probably afraid to tell you when/if he goes to visit. Not trying to defend him or anything, not at all. He just doesn't seem to realize what it does to you and his employees are all lying for him.<P>For me, the best way to cope when I don't know stuff I feel I should know and all that 'what-if thinking,' is pray. I ask God to help and protect everyone involved and expose the truth. To me it didn't sound so much like it mattered most to you where he was because you already knew where he was, but rather that he didn't call you and tell you or even ask you if you would mind. He just went ahead without your enthusiastic agreement. <P>Have you had an opportunity to share the policy of joint agreement together? Just curious. Perhaps that could be a step in a positive direction? What if you told him how much it hurts you when everyone seems to know his whereabouts except you, or how dumb it feels when people are asking where he is and you don't know and you have a right and a need to know!<P>I'm not trying to sound like I know what's best for you and your situation, just speaking as a wife to another wife. He needs to feel safe to tell you his plans. When he invited you and the kids to lunch it sounds to me like he wanted the kids there so you wouldn't act up. It sounds like he knows he upset you. Have you guys been able to talk about it yet? I hope so...

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blue00 Offline OP
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BTDT,<BR>I haven't spoken to H about situation yet. He came home EARLYyesterday for once and the kids were still up. He knew that I was upset,not angry so much ,but hurt. I am the Queen of dwelling on whatifs. I can't imagine that he is stil involved with ow, but the past haunts me. Prayer has been my salvation through all of this. God has definately saved me and my marriage. Although H and I still struggle, our relationship is 100% better that it was a year ago. He speaks often about how much better things are and how he knows we will stay together. <P>My therapist has asked me if I have given my H all that he needs as far as emotional support and my vulnerability.THe answer is no. I often find myself with holding quite a bit from him. When we are together I feel myself putting up that wall. She also says that whatever I feel that I am not getting, he most likely isn't getting either. I fear that I won't be able to open up to him. I have to do everything within my reach and beyond, to show him that I love him.Just staying in the marriage and the situation isn't enough. I know that I am the one who has to so this. He isn't a Christian, I have to be an example. But she also said that I need to give myself a time limit. If after 6 or7 months of me behaving in this manner he doesn't show any difference, then I have to look at other options.

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Blue,<P>BTDT gave some pretty good advice and i just wanted to add that you are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>Love<BR>bw

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Dear blue00,<BR>You said that you put up a wall and you fear you won't be able to open up to your husband. Earlier you mentioned that you have no feeling left...<P>It sounds like you are wondering how much more can you lay your feelings out there to be tread upon. You know what you are dealing with more than anyone and if you feel this much of a need to protect your feelings, you have that right.<P>I mean, being Christian doesn't mean to expose ourselves to full-on attacks. In other words, we are in a spiritual battle, not just physical and mental. You do seem to realize that your husband's salvation is at stake, but guess what? You are not responsible for that! Your husband's salvation is God's problem, not yours! You are not the ultimate example for your husband, Christ is! Hopefully that should remove a little bit of the load from your shoulders today. Sure, God can and is using you to minister to your hubby but remember that God's resources are unlimited! We (humans) have our limits! It sounds to me as if you have reached yours! And it's okay! 'Cause now, it's up to God. It's a good thing to reach the ends of ourselves. That's where we end and faith begins!<P>God is more able to get through to your husband than you are and I'm sure He will because of His great love for you! I think it is good for us to bare our souls in prayer (in private), but not always wise to lay it all out there on the line for someone to step on esp. when they have given us reasons to distrust. I'm not trying to put down your honey, just saying his track record ain't so great this week.<P>You are afraid you won't open up, well, God knows that and I believe He can help you take that wall down brick by brick. He never told us that fear would not be there, waiting on the other side. Sometimes we just have to do things afraid anyway, and just trust Him for a positive outcome. So we can say, Okay God, I'm going to stick my toe out there, YOU protect it! Don't look for your husband to protect you right now because he has proven that he is not capable. It might even be impossible?!? Your husband loves you and if he really could *see* your pain, I am sure he wouldn't be able to disregard it so easily. But GOD sees it fully and HE will protect you. God is behind that wall with you. AND guess what? God is on the other side of the wall waiting for you, too!<P>There are times when Christians have to apologize even when we know we weren't wrong in order to keep the peace, and God blesses us when we do so. I believe you desire to have peace in your home more than you fear being hurt, but I could be wrong. Fear paralyzes our faith. God is with you and HE will help you and myself and others are out here holding your hands in prayer, agreeing together with you for a peaceful outcome.


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