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#802750 08/03/01 02:51 PM
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H is walking around the house holding our three year old daughter and talking to her like a loving daddy..Unknown to him i was doing something in the kitchen and casually listening to them talking, In his little conversation he says things like your my baby..you know the usual baby stuff..then he says to her "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE"..I froze becasue he has never said that to her..and why would he, she is an only child??!!..or is she??...i couldnt speak, its like a knife went in my heart..i never mentioned or said anything about it..another coincidence?? I ask you?..am i crazy??<P>I must add to this post..the middle of November was d-day and if i calculated this correctly in january, july would have been 9 months :-( <P>the baby stuff and the wish list I found on the computer was back in december 24..early christmas present??..Im clueless<p>[This message has been edited by Incognitess (edited August 03, 2001).]

#802751 08/03/01 03:40 PM
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I hope this makes you feel better....<P>I often tell my only son that he is "My favorite". I don't know where I picked that up--my parents didn't say it to me (also an only). Still, he likes it, and now as he is getting older we go through all sorts of silly things that he is my favorite of: "Are you my favorite little boy?" (We agree yes...) "My favorite hugging boy?" (yes...) My favorite chocolate chip cookie?" (Nooooo!) It's a silly little game but it makes him happy....<P>It is possible that is what your husband is doing.<P>All the best,<BR>HBC

#802752 08/04/01 07:21 AM
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ty for sharing that with me becasue i would love to hear anything that would make me feel better or even a small explanation of the things that went on..I dont think he meant it the way you say it, he never said that..it doesnt make sense becasue i would have heard it before at least once..in combination with all the other stuff i have seen and heard this is not what he meant to say to an only child..

#802753 08/04/01 08:21 PM
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Incognitess, I was blessed with a daughter and a son. I used to tell them, "You are my very favorite daughter. You are my very favorite son." It made them feel "special". Each of them thought they were my favorite. One day they discussed this amongst themselves. They were finally old enough to catch on. They were both my favorites, and still are.<P>Why not tell your H you overheard him talking to your daughter. Ask him what he meant when he told your D, "You are my favorite."<P>I used to dislike confrontations with my H. But, I have learned it is part of communication. <P>Good-luck. ember<P>

#802754 08/04/01 08:35 PM
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ember<P>I can not by any means bring up this subject again..and if i ask him..he will lie and it will cause a fight..It would be nice if you could ask your H something and get the truth, but since november i have been lied to and he has failed to explain anything I saw, hear, found, and anything that came out of his mouth when he was in a state of confusion except by saying i didnt mean it..he meant it, just didnt mean to say it to me..he slips quite a bit but i dont say anything..just gather info..it will come out eventually, just maybe a litle work on my part..God knows..just wish i could control my emotions better, i can get very sad sometimes holding all this in becasue who on earth do i talk to about this except you guys..you are a god send and i am grateful.<P>had to add this, ember I understand you doing that with your son and daughter , but my daughter is an only child, favorite between who?<P>yf<p>[This message has been edited by Incognitess (edited August 04, 2001).]

#802755 08/04/01 08:42 PM
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Have you tried marriage counceling? ember

#802756 08/04/01 09:05 PM
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he refused initially..after a few months he brought it up only becasue i am not comeing back home as he stated(meaning that i have changed drastically since this) which makes him sad..since then he doesnt want to go..he is up and down like a see saw..we bought a new house,(he is trying everything as i said in another post) but how on earth do i rid myself of this oc issue..at his point i dont want to go to a marriage couselor myself..i want the truth and am taking action becasue im tired now..im exhausted..after that i will see how it goes..just have to keep my emotions in check..it so very hard<P>

#802757 08/05/01 02:37 PM
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Hi tess,<P>How do you think you would react if you found the truth and the truth was ow/oc? Would you stay?

#802758 08/05/01 10:18 PM
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I don't know the details and I don't know your husband, Incognitess, BUT....<P>...I don't know where I came up with telling my only child that he is my favorite. It could have been from some tv show... It is possible that your husband just saw a rerun of that tv show...<P>I know, it sounds nuts, but it's possible!<P>As for the other possibility...I am afraid it is still a possiblity. I don't know of any way to know for sure until you feel you can believe your husband.<P>I know that right now you don't feel like going to a counsellor, but you might wish to consider it. It might give you an opportunity to focus your life better.<P>All the best to you, whatever you decide!<BR>HBC

#802759 08/06/01 05:14 AM
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Dear Incognitess,<P>Was reading your question and thought I would offer an objective opinion...<P>Maybe he was just saying that she was his favorite because she is so small and innocent and accepting of him in spite of his flaws??? Wonder if he meant she's his favorite in the household? I know that sounds terrible, but if she is the only child and you are the only other girl in the house, it makes me wonder which favorite, too...<P>I don't believe you overreacted and I totally understand how it is possible that you cannot confront him about it esp. in an emotional state. It's probably best not to confront because it could come out wrong and cause an argument, like you said.<P>Perhaps after you calm down and can calmly mention it, you could bring it up later on... Maybe it would make you feel better if you wrote all about it in your journal.

#802760 08/06/01 11:16 PM
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broken wings..<P>honestly i dont know what i would do..i guess no one knws becasue it is such a profound thing to deal with..In a way broken wings my suspicions lead more toward he does than he doesnt..only becasue i know his so well and the circumstances of what went on back then and his bahavior now, which is night and day literally..we fight alot now due to the fact I think alot about this and your emotions are a direct result of your thinking..i never actually say that THIS is bothering me imparticular but beat around the bush and fight about things that are common to our knowlege but he has no idea what is eating me up for sure..I can not bring this up becasue a long time ago he has stated that I am insulting his integrity, and that where he comes from integrity is important..in other words he doesnt feel that he did anythign wrong..no matter what he did it wasnt wrong therfore his integrity was not affected!..he constantly tells me he is a family man..but how many families is he taking about is what i am thinking..its sad what i deal with in my mind..it hard and tiring<BR>i have to share another bit of info that i feel was another coincidence..which what i stated prior will have a direct result on how you think about the things that i say..<BR>first h is muslim..not to insult islam becasue i feel it is a valued religion just as christianity..but i must add some points that will convince you aswell..we were watching this movie on lifetime one day..it was the jim baker/jesica hahn story..there was a part where jim baker was on his hands and knees begging god to forgive him for having a relationship with jessica han..h blurts out this "SEE..Thats is why Islam is easier"..i froze again..i said to him"..muslims pray for forgivness just the same way christians do..when they want God to forgive them..well i said to him "do mot muslims pray just like christians..then why would Islam be EASIER..well he fumbled again..had no answer for me..jim baker was doing nothing different than asking God for forgivness..i must stress this point..my answer for why islam is esier becasue i know Islam well..is that Its easier becasue you are allowed to have more than one wife..so if you mess up you can marry her..one two three..easy..there will be no [censored] child..no shame,..no conscequences to face other than the The first W doesnt know..and that is not a sin at all..the W doesnt have to be told for the good of the children with that W..in other words the W's feeling are secondary to the welfare of the children..ok fine..but what if the w suspects..well that is where i am now..miserable..after reading this you are probably going to tell me to get the hell away from him

#802761 08/06/01 06:49 PM
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Incog,<P> My H was also brought uo Muslim.He doesn't claim to be Muslim now, but he still prays regularly. I think somewhere deep inside ,from their cultural upbringing, that they believe it's o.k. to have 2 families. Was the ow in your case also from your H's culture? My is. It chaps my [censored] to think that he preached for years how women from his own country truned him off.Short,dark-haired women with dark eyes. I am tall blond, hazel-eyed. It makes me wonder if he regrets marrying an American in the first place.

#802762 08/06/01 10:21 PM
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Blue<P>Im interested in talking with you..with regarded to the regret you say they have, well i will tell you a few things about that sorta thing and more on my saga..please tell me about the problem you are having with him ..i dont have much time to post right now becasue he will be here in about 15 minutes..i will reply to your post tomorrow<P>night

#802763 08/06/01 10:49 PM
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Hi there Tess,<P> Bottom line is that you are in America and here it is NOT okay to have 2 wives. And on top of that you do not believe in such a thing so it is not allowed. Obvoiusly he knows this.<P>Here is my advice to you Tess...hire a PI and find the truth once and for all. Or....if you are waiting for something and you know he is not 'fessin up, then put it on the backburner. What if there is no oc? What if there has never been an ow? Is it possible that with you manifesting your anger over an uncertainty into arguments that are about petty junk, that you could inadvertently destroy the love between the two of you? The marriage? I am asking this bc I realized I was doing it. I had so much anger pent up over the ow/oc that until a few months ago (and honestly sometimes now) I was fighting with him all the time. I finally realized (when he told me that a few nights before he was trying to get ahold of his dad to see if he could stay with him) that I was the one destroying my marriage..not him and not ow....ME. It was truely a revelation for me. <P>Search for the truth if you must, but dont let yourself hurt the marriage. Innocent until proven guilty. Dont sentence him just yet. I know it is difficult. You are in my prayers.<P>Love<BR>bw

#802764 08/09/01 09:56 AM
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hi bw<P>I read this post the other day but didnt have time to post and also didnt really know how to in the correct way..Yes i do know that the mind plays tricks on you to cause you to make what you saw into your own story of events, but it can never take away just what you saw, what was said in confusion and never fully explained, with this said you can never come to terms with it no matter what you do, the human soul can not operate that way and can never be at peace becasue whatever went on was so overwhelming that the mind just wont let go..I dont have the type of personality to never forget things that happened to me..i am a very forgiving person and many know me to be a very truthful person, with this is mind there must be more to this story than meets the eye..I have never been one to fabricate things, why would I ..I have everything I want in life why would i want to destroy what i spent 12 years building just becasue I though i saw somethings that should be forgotten, at the same time what went on makes me want to run and leave it all behind..why would that be if i didnt have a valid argument....one as lighthearted as myself could easily forget things that had no reliveance..but when the heart has been weighed down with too many things (coincedences as he says)then you really cant say its imaginary anymore..or that past petty things are causing it..i have forgotten millions of petty things so far why would i start to harbor things now? if there was nothing there <BR>my h has always been knows and a master manipulator so ofcourse my mind now that he betrayed me will always feel vulnerable and that he is capable of doing to me ..sometimes i just think he is just too much of a complicated man to deal with anymore

#802765 08/09/01 09:05 PM
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Dear Tess,<P>It is okay, honey. I think maybe you might have misinterpreted what I was saying...<P>Let me start over....<P>When I feel my anger building up over ow/oc because something has triggered my memory or for some reason I am obsessing over it that day I tend to start fights with him..those fights that I start from his point of view are petty. He sees me flying off the handle bc the trash isnt taken out or my daughter is still in her pjs when I come home or whatever I might pick to unleash the waves of hell on him. In reality I am obsessing in my own mind about ow/oc and am angry about that but somehow I feel stupid bringing it up out of the blue, especially considering we have no contact whatsoever. I was just saying that in doing that I was driving my H away. I was lovebusting left and right. That is when I realized that if I want to make this marriage work then I have got to gain control over myself.<P>I know the state that your in is one of the worst. You think you know, but your not sure, and even if your gut tells you it is so, you still need proof to make your heart believe it. It is rough. I was in that state for 9 months with suspicions about the affair, although I was taken by surprise totally about oc. Find the truth for yourself, but it seems to me like you are convinced this is the truth and honey if that is what you are facing there is a long way to go. You need to find some peace of mind, but if he isnt being honest with you it is nearly impossible. Do you think he is seeing this oc? What about support? Can you get ahold of the $ and see where it is going to?<P>Good luck on your quest for truth and still praying that it is not what you think it is...<P>Love<BR>bw<BR>

#802766 08/11/01 07:00 AM
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bw<P>ty for your concern, i also say prayers for all of you who are going through this, i know it must hurt so much..<P> I wanted i guess to clarify myself in a way, i know here that i show alot of pain, this seems to be the only place anyone in this situation can actually show it and not get judged or looked at as crazy..I dont show the H this side of me becasue i am still searching the truth..we had a fight about this a while ago where i threw the bby stuff up to him one last time, but since then i have not mentioned, and will not mention a thing until i know for sure..the marriage is surviving, how i have no idea, maybe he and I are still so in shock about what went on we both cant mvoe a muscle to fix the problem..the problem lies with me and i try my hardest to not show anything, so far i have been able to pull it off..i come here to vent and find some answers but aside from sometimes losing it mentally i have things under control for the most part..who knows why, maybe becasue i dont know for sure, in a way it frustrating, in another a sheild..i still think he is having sex with someone though with evidence of some white stain that is fresh in a trunk of the car that we have that only gets driven maybe 4 times a month by him..I am under soem stress over this but not going to get upset until i recieve the checkmate in the mail and test it for semen, i really dont think i will say anything about it anyway, i will just investigate him again becasue then i will know that things are still a mess and someone is still in the picture, at what capacity will follow


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