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#805843 11/15/01 09:43 PM
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My h had an affair, started about a year ago, ended a couple of months later. The OW got pregnant, had her child 2 months ago. I told H that he had to choose me and our family or the oc. He chose me and then changed his mind. Wanted to have both. He then got extremely depresses, suicidal and ended up in psych ward for 2 weeks. He wants things to be ok again, but how can I trust him again? He originally said he would do whatever it takes to keep our family together, but then couldn't bear not seeing oc. He now says, again, that he will do whatever it takes to keep our family together (kids ages 3 and 6). How can I believe him now? Would I be stupid to? I have started divorce proceedings, partly to protect myself and kids financially against ow and her claims for oc. HELP!!!!

#805844 11/16/01 02:51 AM
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Callie,

You are in the same situation that i am probably headed for. My h had a 2 month affair that resulted in her getting pregnant (she is now 5 mo prg). H told me that he is willing to never see oc, ow again if it means saving our marriage. There are other issues with us like deciding where we want to live, we don't agree on it. But anyway, I am afraid that when the baby is born that h will do the same thing yours did - says he wants to have both. <p>It sounds like your h is really going through tough times having to seek help for depression and such, he really needs your support and God's guidance, above all.<p>I am sad sometimes because my h still sees ow on occasion when he breaks down and the guilt gets to him, so he tells me. The ow is telling him that they are a package deal, that if he wants to see the child, then she comes with it. Well, now h is telling me that he is willing to never see them and just fulfill the financial responsibility, but like your situation, I am scared that he will change his mind and want to see child once he or she is born.<p>I know that I don't have the answers for you, but I know your pain and i am nervous, worried and broken just like most of here, really struggling to get through each day, positively, with integrity, virtue - all the wonderful traits that make up a woman. A certain answer that i can give you is this... God is willing and able to take control of this situation. When I can't find any answers I just take a few minutes to stop looking for them and ask God to fulfill HIS purpose in my life and that is good enough for me. If we ask God for something, bring our desires to him, he promises to answer. I know that his answers aren't always mine, but i know that he knows best. <p>Keep your eyes on him and you can't go wrong.
Big Hugs and Prayers,
Julia<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

#805845 11/16/01 02:49 PM
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If you try to make him choose between you and his baby, I think you will only find he will resent you and it won't work anyway. Is there any chance you could accept the child? If he is interested in being in his child's life, and that seems to be the case, I think it's wrong for you to try to destroy that. Do you really want to live your life with him, wondering if he's sneaking off to see this innocent child? It's a terrible situation but if you want to stay married to him, you have to accept the package, otherwise you should divorce I think because it will never work. Good luck.

#805846 11/16/01 02:52 PM
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By the way, the OW is full of it. She cannot prevent him from seeing his child and he in no way has to accept them as a package deal. He has rights to his child but she cannot force him to be involved with her, other than obvious parental and visitation issues etc.

#805847 11/16/01 03:27 PM
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You have a good point Bonnie and that is exactly why I will not stay married to him unless he decides to live in CA with me, away from ow/oc.<p>I do worry that he will sneak off to see them but that won't be an issue if she is not in the same state. Ya know, I see your point about taking the father away from his child, i would have never prided myself on being that type of woman. But like some of us have tried to explain to you, I am in a position that i never imagined i would be in and now that i am, I am stubborn and hurt and it is going to be my way or no way. In fact you are the one who is coaching us on putting our foot down and making them make a decision. Well, that is what i am doing.<p>I have read a couple of your last posts/replies and have noticed that you are making an effort to really encourage people so thanks for that. I agree with you too about ow not being a package deal with the baby. She is just crazy to think that if h wants to see baby, then she comes with it. Yea, over my dead body!<p>God Bless,
Julia

#805848 11/16/01 04:10 PM
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Bonnie is right about my not wanting to worry about whether h will sneak to see oc. At this point, he has changed his mind about what he wants to do a couple of times. He wants me to now believe that he will not see oc if that's what I want; I have told him that he needs to make his decision based on what he can live with, not what I tell him to do. I know that if he does not come to his own decision for himself, he will resent me forever. There are a lot of other issues in our marriage as well. He has never really been there for me and our kids...he has always been selfish and done what he wants with his time. His choices were usually to do things that did not include me and the kids. I was "co-dependent"...not any more. I will not go back to the way things were (even before his affair). He says he wants to and can change...but I feel that I might be stupid to just say, ok, lets move ahead. I don't have any reason to trust what he says and I've told him it would take a long time for me to really trust him again. Am I being cold-hearted?

#805849 11/16/01 04:24 PM
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No, you are not being cold hearted. You are trying to take care of you. If you had marital problems to begin with, you have to work on those first and foremost, otherwise I don't see how you can make it thru this. My H and I had problems too and his has forced us to deal with those and work on them. The difference with us is that we both agreed the only possibility for us could be for him to be a father to his child. No, it's not easy but I would not respect him, therefore I could not remain married to him had he chosen no contact. So for us, the fact that we agree on that is in our favor. This is a good opportunity for you to make changes, with or without him. And Julia, thanks for your post!

#805850 11/17/01 11:45 AM
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I guess I am either not a big-enough person, or not at the point yet where I'm ready to accept the oc into my family/life. Why should I be the one to have to give up what I want from my life? Why is this child more important than my children? Why shouldn't my h have to choose? He is the one who messed up ( and he realizes it); why should he "have it all"?

#805851 11/17/01 12:18 PM
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callie300: Your husband can't have it all and yes he should have to choose. I'm a long time member of this site however I haven't posted in some time. My H had an affair 2 years ago and his OC is now 9 months old. After d-day (when OW was about 2 weeks pregnant) I went back and forth. Not because I had any harsh feelings toward the OC but because I didn't want to be reminded of the betrayal and violation I felt every time I looked into this childs eyes. I didn't want to live with the pain every day for the rest of my life.<p>In the end I was willing to accept the child into our lives. However things were still shakey for our marriage. We had been going back and forth about child support with our laywers. I guess one day OW and H got into somewhat of an argument and he told her he couldn't wait until the baby called me mom. This was before OC was born. Anyway he saw the baby 3 times and each time filled him with sorrow about what he had done to our little girl (now 3). Shortly after the OW asked what it would take for my H to stay out of their lives and dissappear. She is now with another man who has taken on the role of father. I told my H to think long and hard before he made a decision. He chose not to have contact because of his hateful feelings toward OW. As far as I know it's worked out for everyone. Me? I suppose so. My H and I have other issues on top of this one. Let alone I have my own. I'm taking care of myself. <p>Sorry to ramble. But like BB said you don't want him resenting you. The contact has to be his decision. If it's too painful for you to accept this child then let him make his own decision and if it is too hard leave. Start your own new life. You will feel so much better in the end. Easier said than done I know. Also don't make any decisions yet. This OC is not born. You know how roller coasters go. You and your H will go back and forth I'm sure and things change so suddenly you never know what your going to feel next week let alone in 4 months. Take Care of yourself.

#805852 11/17/01 12:22 PM
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One more thing. I'm from California also and believe me there are some hot guys here. Go out and get a little ego stroking of your own. It feels so good just to turn a guys head even if you aren't looking for action.


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