I am living a very crazy life right now the life I said I would never live and here I am living it and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I will try and keep my story short. Here goes:

Back in March I accidentally find my husbands 4th or 5th step that he had written down on a piece of paper (from AA) He put it in the filing cabinet which he never goes into cause I always file the bill receipts he never had.

Well on this list which I'm not going to share everything but one of the things that he had on the list was about 10 years ago he asked one of his co-workers out. He had said that he resented her for turning him down but he should forgive her cause he was married and thats why she turned him down. This woman has been married and divorced twice since this happend. Well 10 years ago the night he did this he came home and told me he didn't love me. Our daughter was a baby then. I should've known when this woman had called our house at 2 a.m. from the bar drunk off her [censored] calling to see if he will cover her shift in the morning. They work in a mill rotating shifts. I figured he owed her some kind of favor cause of the phone calls that night.
Well also on this list 4th step he wrote down that he told somebody that he was gay for his own selfish reasons and I just totally freaked out. (The reason I freaked out is my sister was married to his brother and he is a transvestite maybe gay) So after reading this I told him we weren't having sex anymore I did let him sleep in the bed with me but would not give him any loving eventually he started sleeping on the floor, then in anohter room and I asked him to move out he said he had to wait until he got some money together. In July he moved out and when he moved out he left me with every single bill we had.
On July 21st I had him served. While all this was going on I did the unthinkable which I had cussed at my friends about I met a guy off the internet in another state and had quite a romantic realtionship with him. We did the horseback riding, horse and carriage ride, He wrote me a song, we slow danced all night one night it was all romance it was all good well one weekend he came here and he fixed my kitchen sink and he was at my house later than he should've been and my husband brought the kids back and I had a man in the house and he was pissed off and jealous. Well he took that as a sign he should move on too. Well he told me that there was a woman in the program that was interested in him but she was more f'd up than he was. He also made a point to tell our son in front of me wait till you see the girl I'm gonna ask out she is really pretty and she is only a few years older than you. (Our son is 17)Well he did ask her out and it pissed me off so much that I went and pawned off my wedding rings and 10th anniversary ring. I kept the diamond bracelet and necklace he bought me Christmas 2002. If your wondering why I was pissed. 2 summers ago his friend who is 47 took his daughter on a camping trip with him and this young girl was her friend who also went with. Well she turned him down twice. I didn't care that just made me sick he is 40 so I asked him if he was a predator. When I told people about this they said what is wrong with that girl? I asked him what a 20 year old would want with a 40 year old? He said responsibility? I said really what are you responsible for? Our kids are always with me just to let you all know he had planned on taking the kids camping for a week but then turned around and told him that he couldn't afford to feed them for the week but he did turn around and buy himsef a pair of Eagles tickets $140.00 and remember he left with all the bills ya he sure is responsible. Well in the beginning he was coming over to the house trying to have sex with me but I wouldn't. I was involved with someone else and still mad at him. Well eventually he started seeing the woman in the program. I seen her in our truck with him early in the morning on Sweetest day and that really hurt. So I knew that he had sex with her. Well sometime in September we met at a park I asked him if he was happy he said ya and that he didn't love me and he told me that he slept with someone else. I said I know. He asked how I knew I said I could feel it in my heart. This night we said we would hold up on the divorce but I thought about it all night and called him the next day and said it don't pay to put it on hold as he told me that he didn't love me. In the meantime we both made a mistake and had introduced these people we were seen to our kids. Our 12 year old daughter was ok with it but our 17 year old had quite a problem and one night when he was suppose to be at his dads she was there so he went and spent a night at his friends. Well one week he was on 3-11 he kept calling me I'm like why are you calling me he said you know how I am when I work this shift.
Well I started yelling at him about things and he ran into the wall at work and he had to fill out an accident report and his foreman told him what to write or he would've got fired he told him that his head isn't on staight.
Well Friday November 28th he showed up at the house with most of the money that he owed me he had to take a loan from his 401 to pay me back. Note: our divorce was scheduled for December 1st.
I would also like to you all to know that he had planned on going hunting this weekend And after finding out that he has been lying about child support we kept everything out of the courts and I called child support to see what he was suppsoe to be paying and it was $25.00 more a week than what he was suppose to be paying so I left him a message on his voice mail and I said I just dare you to go hunting this weekend. He signed these papers lying and I would've taken the steps needed for him to learn the lesson the hard way.
Well anyways that Friday that he paid me we talked in the truck and I asked once again if he was happy, he said that he didn't need me anymore that he learned to take care of himself that he cleans and cooks for himself. He moved in with his brother so he wasn't quite on his own like he thinks he was well anyways he aked me if he could kiss me to see if there was anything there and we kissed in the truck and my heart was racing I asked him if his was he said yes. Well the kids and my parents were in the house I told him we can't confuse the kids like this so I went in and he called about 6 times that night to see if I would come over for sex. I told him I wasn't just gonna get up and leave that night what would I tell the kids. Well Saturday I went to his place and we made mad passionate love not just sex and it felt great and than we did Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and etc. Well now reality hits.
First we both have to brak it off with these other people that we were seen. For me it was easy it was just an email cause he lived 10 hours away from me and yes he is hurt he was gonna buy me an engagement ring for Christmas I knew he was gonna cause he was sizing up my finger the last time I seen him. Well then husband breaks off with the physcho ***** and St. Nick night she comes to my house and we were out St. Nick shopping for the kids. Well apperently she must have looked by name up in the phone book and comes over to my house and tells my son that she's gonna push his dad. My son told her to leave or he will be calling the police. Then she goes over to where he and his brother lives and tells him the same thing. Well like 2 Friday nights ago he went to the AA club where he met her he went at the end of the meeting for some reason and she was there asking him if he wanted her new number he said no. BTW he changed his cell number so she couldn't call. Well she tells him at the meeting that she owes our son and his brother an apology so now at 10:30 at night my daughter and her friend walked over there to his place to get his brothers dog. She comes back and said dad XXXXXXX is in her car outside yur house and when I heard this I went storming out the door to kick her [censored] but then I realized Christmas is coming up and I don't need to be thrown in Jail as I never been in Jail in my life.
Well anyways he told me that he told her to quit bothering him. WEll anyways she wasn't taking the hint so I found out on my own her last name and sent her a letter that if she comes to the house again the police will be called. Well during his relationship/affair with this woman she told him this guy was stalking her well she didn't like the letter that I sent so she gives me a call 10:30 at night December 23rd, guess whose house she calls from YEP the guys who she told my husband was stalking her. I asked my husband if I need to get a restriaining order and he said no you don't have to worry about that I feel like he was sticking up for her my friends said to get one. This woman has quite a police record and some of it is for robbery and stuff but he told me thats all in the past well where I live its an open record state and the last time she was convicted was October 27th, 2003 this year. He didn't know that. Just like she has kids that were taking away but she told him that her kids are grown up and married. I'm just like whatever believe what you want.
Well anyways we went to out first MC appointment 2 weeks ago and have the next one next week and I'm having a hard time waiting until then.
He is afraid I'm gonna throw him out again and he's afraid he's gonna hurt me again. I don't like not knowing. Part of is wondering if I only did this for finanial reasons I only make 1/2 of what he does and I'm in a dead end job that is very unsecure right now. I don't think I'm doing it for that reason cause I had a guy that I never met before come out to where I use to work a second job at night and he asked me to dinner and basicly he told me if I married him and had his children I would never have to work again and he was very good looking and quite a sweet talker and my friends think I'm nuts for turning him down. I asked this guy it don't bother you that I have a boyfriend and I'm not divorced yet? He said no. What kind of guy asks a girl to marry them the first night they meet. My cousin who heard the whole conversation told me he was desperate. Well he left and then he came back again and I still turned him down. One of my friends said it sounds like he's stalking me she works at parole. Told me I better watch out. Well this summer while being separted I had about 12 guys ask me out I turned every one down except the one from the internet but I still broke my vows and so did he. Yes I'm bothered by it but I think that I'm bothered by him leaving taking out kitchen table yes he took our table and leaving me with all the bills and the house payment got behind twice and his name is on the house with me and you know what he told the MC he couldn't just move out on his brother and stiff him like that their lease is Until July but he could stiff me like that. He said if he knew I was gonna make him pay 1/2 the mortgage he wouldn't have moved out on me. Through most of the separation I had to do what I could to pay for outstanding dental work for our son which the agreement was we would each pay 1/2 well he never paid his 1/2 until the end and I had to wait for him to pay me until I brought him in. He changed that at the end but I don't know if its only because our divorce was coming up ar if he actually felt bad. He did apologize to the kids for lying to them to about the camping trip and other things and he did apologize to me to for some things. But something that he said to me is he don't know if he loves me and I don't want to be with somebody that don't love me and another thing is that he says he's afraid if it don't work I'm gonna go for more money and back suppoort that he owes. Remember I was doing this without the courts.
The only other thing is I found out I can get alimony as we were/are married 17 years. Plus I'm entitled to half his 401K cause of how long we've been married. Am I crazy for wanting to try again? I am sorry for making this story so long but there is probably more that I could add but won't. I just know I'm living the life I never thought I would be living.

I really really think that you need to post this thread on the Just Found Out board.

Buy the book "Surviving an Affair" and read it.

Whoops....wrong planet!

<small>[ December 29, 2003, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: *^aeri^* ]</small>

SL,

Here's my two cents and a bunch of questions.
First, it sounds like the only time you really started showing an interest in him AGAIN was when he was dating someone else, so there was that competitive thing.

He says that he doesn't know if he loves you, so what are his plans? How do you feel about him?

Do you think that your competitive nature is what made you bring him back to you and not your desire to be with him?

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: gottobeme0320 ]</small>

Well this is definately over with. Me and the kids had the worst New Years Ever. He is on Lexipro which I thought was suppose to help control his temper. I left the room like 2 minutes and him and our 17 year old got into an argument and it turned physical I never seen anybody snap in 2 minutes before and neither one would let up and I was yelling he is our son what are you doing? Then our daughter was crying and ran outside in a blanket and I had to go find her brought her back in told her to go to her room. Then he left at 11:58 p.m. so at midnight I had 2 crying children. Yesterday my daughter and I went shopping and a guy got out of the car that looked like her dad and she ran back to me scared so now our daughter is scared of her dad and our son never wants to see his dad again. I talked to my parents told them the situation and asked if we could stay there if I lose the house. At this point I could care less if I lose the house their safety is much more important. I was married to this guy for 17 years and I have asked him to go to anger management several times before but he goes to AA and he's not even an alcoholic he tells me goes cause he relates to these people.
I am afraid of being alone but right now our kids are the most important people. We are suppose to have MC next Thursday but I don't even want to go.

Gottabeme: How I feel about him right now after seeing what he did to our son I could care less if he falls off the face of the earth. I hope soemday he gets into anger management.

I think the only reason I really wanted to go back was for financial reasons and thats not love.
I am 35 and that is young I'm gonna take a break from relationships right now and take care of other things.
I never thought in my life this is how my life would be. It is definately time for a new life.

Update:

I would just like to say I am one of them woman who know people don't change and I can't believe I believed anything he told me.

You see about 2 years ago he lied to my face and I had the proof and I said you have 1 chance to tell me the truth and if you lie your out of here. Well at that time he lied right to my face. I kicked him out and he came back later that night cause he had no wheres to go and back then we went to marriage counceling and by the time we were done I told the MC I was more in love with him than ever before however in MC I asked if there were any other lies that I should knoew about because they always show up eventually and he said no. Well the reason for this separation started to be because of his lies, during separtaion he was a lying selfish [censored] to his kids and now the physical abuse is bringing on the divorce. And just to let you all know what a sucker I was for this man he was still seeing ow and I broke it off completely with the nicest guy I ever met. The dude I met on the internet. ANd so all you know what a sucker I am I also threw everything out boyfriend bought me thinking that me and husband were gonna get back together. I have never been so stupid in my life. I called old bf back at his parents Saturday and he is a little upset with me and I asked him to forgive me for what I did. He needs to think about it he said and he said if he decides to see me it won't be until the divorce is final. And he said we would have to start all over again. I really hurt him cause he wanted to marry me and have a family with me and he was planning on giving me an engagement ring for Christmas which I knew cause of how he was sizing my finger up. Well after work I am meeting with an attorney and gonna give the x exactly what he deserves and anybody else out there thinking of reconciling please don't be as blind as me. Because of me thinking it could work my son got physically hurt, my daughter and son will both be emotinally scarred from this and I hurt the good guy.
I hope everybody on this board has a better year than they ever had in their life.