as soon as H gets here I am out the door. Im going to a friends house for at least tonight, but I dont know if I am coming home for good or not tomorrow. Of course my friend doesnt have a puter, which is something I might have to live with for a while.<p>He got up this morning at like 2am to go to his second job (back at the 24 hour restaurant) to do inventory. He didnt bother to call me until 9:15 this morning. He called, we got into another huge fight, he hurt he, i told him i hated him.......it was really really bad. Did I mention he was at an ice house? Drunk? I am so sick of this. He said he would take his buddies home and come home. It is now 4:08 pm and he is not here yet. I cant even really go anywhere til he gets here as I dont have a car or a carseat for our daughter.<p>I do love him and i want out marriage to work. Ya know its like I dont know if I can make it on my own. Im not sure what I can do; BUT I know what I can NOT do and I can NOT live like this anymore. This totally sucks as most of you know we are supposed to have a baby in July. I guess Ill be doing it myself.<p>Everyone, just please pray for me. I dont know what God wants me to do. Please pray for my H. Whether I am here or not, please pray he will come back to the Lord. He is so very lost.<p>Love to all........<p>bw

BW,<p>I am so sorry to hear that things are bad right now. I will definately pray for you. If you do stay at your friend's for a while, you could always check out the internet at the library when you need a fix. Let us know if there is anything else we can do for you.<p>Love,<p>Tigger

hi sweetie.
I am sorry this has continued. I am and will continue to pray for you. Your h is so lost right now. You do what you feel is best girl...you have two children to consider and they and you must come first.
It sounds as though you have been doing it on your own for awhile. You may find it easier than you think. I am with you no matter what.
I agree with tigger. Check the library when you can so we can see how things are. I hope things calm down for you soon. You and the baby dont need this stress.<p>(((((((hugs)))))))<p>tryin

BW,
I have been thinking of you and your H. I am sorry that things are getting worse. Maybe leaving for awhile is just what you and your H need.
I am will pray for you and your H.<p>Dawn

BW,<p>I'm sorry your going through this. Do what you have to and relax think about your child H will be there later. Sometimes getting away is the best thing you could do, instead of staying home arguing. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.<p>Tee

BW,<p>I know the way you feel...dealing with the 'fight or flight' options that go on in your head. Sometimes i just want to walk out and never look back and then other times i just can't wait for h to get home so i can hold him and feel his warmth. I am sorry that you are dealing with more emotional crap than what you need right now. You should be relaxing and making sure that your body and mind are at ease for your little baby. I can't imagine why your h is putting you through more stress at this time than you need. I would hope that if i were pregnant than my h would just be there for me, in every way... But who am i kidding, my h can't even leave his cop job for me! <p>I am sorry, BW. Hey, and i think i will take you up on your offer- let's be roommates and get through this together. I will be soooo excited when the baby comes! Just wishful thinking...<p>I have told my h "i hate You" more than i can remember. It is not that we actually hate them, well maybe we do at times, but i think we hate what they have done to us and what they continually do to us - drive us bonkers!

I know you said that your h isn't very spiritual, but don't give up on him just yet. Maybe if you haven't left to your friends house yet, you can invite h to church tomorrow. Even if he says no, keep it up every week and maybe he will decide to go. Maybe you both (and your daughter) can begin praying before meals? Just thoughts...<p>Hang in there, i am praying for you.<p>God Bless your family,
Julia

Update.......<p>It is now 1:00 am on Sunday. I have just now heard from H. Can you believe that?! He in all his bs has never done something like this before.<p>I was just irritated and pissed and hurt until his work called me at 12:00 midnight to ask where he was and what time he had left since he was supposed to be there at 11:00. I told them I hadnt seen him all day. Do you all know how embarrassed I was to say that?? Then I was paniced and called back to see if they would call the guys he was with to see if they knew anything. Once again.....embarrassed.<p>A friend of mine helped me out. The route that I know of he went on this morning covered 7 towns. She was calling police depts. and hospitals for me. Thank the Lord cause I couldnt hardly stand. He never misses work. Ever! This stupid job is placed like 10 notches above me. I was really afraid. The last thing I had said to him was "youre gonna die" He said he would remember those were my last words to him. I told him to remember right before he dies what the last things he said to me was. I was sick thinking that it might have been true.<p>He finally calls from work. He was two hours late! He tells me he is sorry I was worried. Hello! He has only been gone 23 hours. Why would I be worried?? I asked him if he would be home in time for me to go to church. He actually says "of course. I would never make you miss church." I asked if he would be there. He said he didnt think he could handle church right now. He is supposed to make an anouncement tomorrow and tell the church about the new baby, which I guess he is now not going to do. I feel so betrayed again. I am so very hurt. How can he do this to me? I dont understand.<p>There is one bit of justice in all this. He is up at work, smelling Mexican food......sicker than a dog! He has been puking his guts up. I hope he does it all night.<p>Please, someone tell me what in the world to do. I am so lost. I still feel God wants me here in my marriage. Please pray that God will give me the strength and wisdom for all of this. And that He will not let H go. Please pray that H will soften his heart and get help. Any help!<p>So far, still here........<p>Love to all,<p>bw<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: broken_wings ]</p>

Oh, BW...<p>Hang in there, Girl. Today i had weird episodes of just spiratic crying that kinda freaked me out. Usually i cry for a reason or maybe h and i had a fight or somethin'. But today was very hard. The reason i tell you this is because when i was at my lowest point not knowing where to turn and why i am really even crying (well i know why...) but sweetie, just get on your knees, cry, and watch and feel how God calms you and holds you. It never fails. <p>What state are you in if i don't mind asking? I probably asked you before, sorry. But i am going to be driving through MN, IA, NE, UT, CO, AZ(kinda), and NV. I will stop by if you are on my way to CA. I hope you are. <p>Take care of yourself. I know it is hard, we all know, unfortunately. I'm praying for you.<p>God loves you,
Julia

BW,
I am thinking of you and praying for you and I want to get in touch with you. I know for a fact that you can do whatever you set your mind to do. With God at the helm and many friends in your life, you will do what you need to do and make the right decisions...regardless. Have a little faith in yourself.<p>I myself, have raised two babies alone until my H came along. I know I have shared with you. I will give you any info. you may need to help yourself in whichever way you choose to go.<p>You are a strong woman. A wise woman. A good friend, you reached out to me and befriended me at one of the lowest points in my life. I am here for you also. If it's in my power, and you need it, you got it whatever it is.<p>I will try to get a hold of you soon. I am praying and I know that God will move in a mighty way in your life. It's always at the lowest points that HE (God) moves the quickest.<p>Love to you,
Twiisty

BW,<p>Deja vu, baby! You remember how you asked me what the turning point for my h was? A night like your h just had!!! He said he was ready to quit but he also knew that I was steaming. Angrier than a bull seeing red. He had been out all night on a binge. He didnt call and I had no idea where he was. I drove all over town looking for his van at the wee hours.<p>He showed up at about 9:00 a.m. but didnt come into the house. He just layed in the back of the van feeling sorry for himself. I called his mother and said I cant deal with this anymore.<p>I dont want to get your hopes up...but maybe this will be the turning point. I pray that it is. You have a whole world praying for you and your h. Things will change.<p>((((((((hugs))))))))

It is so distressing to hear, time after time, what men, who are supposed to be our protectors, continue to do to their marriages.<p>My Grandfather told me before he died that it wasn't until the fifties that men began to change. Before that, men were men at 14, 15 or 16. They took their responsibilites seriously. They focused on their families. Their wives were their first priorities...after God and Country.<p>It is such a heartbreaking commentary that the men of the last two or three generations have become so juvenile, infantile...looking to be coddled and spoiled. Shirking repsonsibilities and behaving like naughty children. It is sickening. And yet they continue to have children and then run off drinking and carousing like teeny boppers in junior high, leaving their wives to be alone to take on all the obligations alone while worrying who they are playing with on the side. God in Heaven...what makes them so incredibly self indulgent and self absorbed? Why do they get married if all they want to do is play, play, play? Why on earth don't they stay single and spare us their idiocy?<p>Sometimes I wish we could go back a few generations just to feel and see what it's like to be in the presence of real men who care for, protect and guide their families with maturity and love. Men who are not focused on themselves and their needs and desires as much as for their family's best interest. Biblically, this is the way it was meant to be and was the way for milleniums...now in the age of Howard Stern and Jerry Springer and MTV and the like, we are inundated with men-children. Ugh. It is so sickening.<p>Take care of yourself and try not to get so whipped up into worrying about something you have no control of. He will straighten up when you let go and let God come in and fix this mess.<p>I will pray for you all.<p>Catnip =^^=

Dear broken_wings,
I'm sure that God has not given up on your husband, after all, he is blessed by having you in his life--because of your connection to the Lord.<p>I think it is wonderful that he realizes how important church is to you and he is not willing to jeopardize that by withholding the car, so that's a good sign (that he respects God in your life, even if he is not willing to surrender his heart at this time).<p>I don't know, I think it sounds like a temporary down spell. Plus by you being pregnant, your emotions are especially sensitive so things get really extreme--not to downplay anything you are going through. It sounds bad, but it could be worse! At least you have a friend who is willing to help you in any way possible and who is opening her home to you. It's great that you have somewhere to retreat! Too bad she doesn't have a computer tho!!! BUMMER! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think a huge blessing is waiting for you right around the corner and this major blowup is a distraction of some sort, so keep the faith and be watching closely for your miracle!

BTDT,<p>Its worse........

Dear Brokenwings,<p>I am so sorry you are going through this now.
You've always been in my thoughts and prayers.
I haven't been here in so long and finally
tonight I have some time and courage to post...
only to see your post.<p>I am praying for you. I know how strong you
are...no matter what happens.
You have been a real friend. Call me if you
ever need to talk. Wish I had the words to
help you but I know the words you need to hear
have to come from your husband.
Take good care.fluke

BW,
Fluke is right, the words you want to hear have to come from your h... (i'm sorry it has got worse).<p>Praying for you and your family-<p>Julia

I was gonna post earlier and let yall know what is going on, but NGU was on and I let it all out to her. Thanks NGU.<p>This will be a quick version as I am now exhuasted..emotionally and physically. After I got off the phone with NGU I cleaned my house which needs it desperately. I am still not done and it is 1:30 am but it does look better.<p>H left tonight. I think he has been planning to do so for a few days. He was adamit about getting my car fixed today no matter what. This morning I coulda sworn he was either on drugs or withdrawing from them. It wasnt a great morning. Tonight he said some things that led me to believe he didnt plan to stay home tonight, so I asked him if he was leaving. He said more than likely. It started a HUGE fight! It all got way out of control and ultimately he left saying he would be here in the morning to get his stuff.<p>He is supposed to go see his dr friend about the meds but he didnt even make an appt today. When he left, as I had finally resolved to let him go as the situation was getting dangerous, I told him to not come back until he was ready to get help. Then all of a sudden he wanted to be hesitant on going. I wanted him to pack if he was going so he doesnt come in in the morning and be all nicey nicey and then the same thing happen again. I am emotionally drained. A few seconds after he walked out he came back in for something he had forgotten. He came and stood by me (I was sitting on the floor) and he just stands there and stutters. I looked up at him and he tossles my hair before he walks out on me. Is he psycotic or what?!<p>Why come back in to show any sign of affection at all? He had already told me he was not in love with me anymore. He hates being home. He cant stand to walk in the door and I make it worse. Then as he leaves he tossles my hair??<p>I am ready to go on my own for now. I want my marriage still, but not like this. He needs help desperately. I guess I was in a state of denial also as to how bad it was. I think I am catching a clue. I pray he will soften his heart to the Lord and God will bring him to his knees. I think that is what itll take. Course I am not God so I dont really know what itll take.<p>Love
bw

Well,
Evidently he is not in his right mind, so at least by being in Plan B, you can negotiate some terms upon taking him back--for example, no drugs and counseling or maybe even church with you, anger management, and whatever else is necessary to improve your relationship.<p>Maybe you can call Steve Harley for some quick advice if you can swing it. I think the calls are over 100 bucks a pop...<p>My prayers are with you at this troublesome time. Roll all these burdens on the Lord so you can maintain a healthy appetite for the little one. Right now is a crucial time in your pregnancy and the enemy knows that. You must be carrying a powerful blessing in there! Focus on staying healthy and let H figure out what he needs to do. God will take care of you. To me, it sounded like H really didn't want to leave but things escalated and he was too prideful to take back what he said... (?)<p>I don't believe he meant those mean things, esp. if he has an anger problem and flies into a rage. Unfortunately, the damage is done. It's tough to take back words that have already wounded people.

Dear BrokenWings,
It was hard for me to read of your recent troubles.<p>Drugs can destroy people. It is destroying your h's mind. He's so cruel. He can't be in his right mind when all you've done is love him.<p>I will pray for you today.<p>I hope things begin to turn in the right direction soon.<p>Love,
Debi

BW,
I'm praying for you and I'm trying frantically to look for those numbers and info. etc. that we talked about....I haven't forgotten! I just have to find what part of my cluttered house it's in....I will try to get a hold of you later and look for you online...I'm so sorry dear.....I have been thinking of you lately and will continue to pray. I care as do the others here...we are here for you.
Hugs,
Twiisty

BW,<p>No advice, just wanted you to know you in my thoughts and prayers.<p>
Unsure