Do any of you get swallowed up by sadness sometimes? Nothing has really happened tonight...I am just feeling incredibly sad. I guess I am sad about the relationship that could have been. My husband and I are working through the A and OC, and our marriage is going pretty well. Sometimes though I find myself covered by an overwhelming sense of sadness because of what we have lost.<p>My husband has pretty much decided not to start a relationship with OC (she is 10, and he has never had any contact with her). The OW has gotten the paternity test she asked for, and says that the rest is up to my husband as to whether to establish a connection with OC. Of course she says she hopes my husband can accept her into his life and our family. <p>I don't know how I feel about this. I know that I don't want my children to know yet...I just don't feel they are ready to handle this. I know the pain this has caused me, and I don't think I can handle watching them suffer, too. I also don't know where we should go from here. As a Christian, it is hard to not feel obligated to this child somehow. My husband doesn't want to see a picture of OC or anything. He says it will only make it harder because it is just not possible to let her in our lives right now. (He is also concerned about impact on our daughters.)<p>To be honest, I feel this woman holds all of the cards- mainly in terms of the financial impact this could have on us should she file for CS. I guess I should feel fortunate that she never contacted my husband for 10 years (she was a two week affair), because we could've been paying all of this time. Somehow it is hard to find much solace in that though. I feel that when she finds my husband is unwilling to establish contact with the OC, she will take us to court for CS. I feel ashamed to focus on the financial, but it would put a great financial burden on us if she does so. <p>I am sorry for whining. I know from reading this board that some of you are dealing with much worse burdens and have been doing so much longer. It is just so hard not to let this swallow me up. We finally start counseling this month and I am so thankful. I have read so many books on the subject of infidelity, but now all they do is make me even sadder. Reading about all of the betrayal and pain on this board makes me so disheartened. Are we foolish to believe marriage can ever be pure? Will I always be watching him suspiciously? <p>Forgive me for being so negative. Let me say that I do have much to be thankful for, and that Jesus has not forsaken me for one minute through all of this. He has been with me constantly...I know because I always feel His presence when I need Him most. It's just that sometimes, like tonight, my heart becomes so very heavy with the loss of what I thought was a monogamous relationship, and with the absolute dread and fear of what is to come...not for me as much as for my children.<p>I would appreciate your prayers. One way I know God is faithful is that He led me to this site!<p>Posey

Posey...I do not know much of your situation as I have been trying to catch up but see so many new names and yes it does sadden me. I also have found out of many other infidelities of people close to me and as they ask for my help I either get drained or sickened at the alarming rate of people that travel down this road.
There are many nights, especially in the beginning, that the saddnes broke me down so much that the only way I saw out was to run as fast as I could. But knowing I couldn't do that at the time I just cried, wrote, and, talked. I talked to my sister every night for months, and I mean every night. I spent many a night on the computer posting and reading. I would cry myself to sleep as my H lay next to me sound asleep.
I am now 18 months past discovery and feel that I should be so much further than I am, but I must admit that the saddness, although it rears its ugly head sometimes, it is not as often. It also doesn't make me unable to function anymore.
I often find myself envying the people whose marriages appear to be so safe and comfortable from this pain. I also get jealous of those who are just starting off and wish I was there again. And yes I so often find myself wishing for what was lost by my H selfish acts. But as the others here have tried to drill into my head, was what we had before all that great? and learning from this it could be so much better...I'm still trying to grasp that concept, but feel I am a little bit closer to understanding since I am at least trying to now instead of just discounting the idea...
I just wanted to say that I understand and yes still feel that overwhelming tidal wave of saddness. Just roll with it, feel it and deal with it. Each time you face it, the next time it hits you the sorrow it hurls at you may decrease in size.
God Bless...NGU<p>[ January 13, 2002: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]<p>[ January 13, 2002: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]</p>

Posey the answer to your question is a resounding yes. That overwhelming sense of sadness is often "triggered" by a song or fleeting memory of how cruel H was during A.<p>I know what you mean about "pure", but in reality no one has that. It looks that way, but everything in life is a trade off....or seems to be.<p>Sorta like Alanis Morrisette's song, "Ironic". Listen to it sometime. You know the one, "It's like rain on your wedding day, it's a free ride, but you've already paid, it's the good advice, you just didn't take, and who would have thought? it figures."<p>I know what you mean about not wanting your D's to find out. All of this time later and I guess I wish our son never knew. I had nothing to do with that as my H picked son up at lunch 4 days before d-day and told him what he had to tell me! And made him keep it secret all weekend! That was the beginning of son's mental breakdown!<p>When H told me, it then made sense why son was so sad/angry for the past few days. H has the nerve to say he loved me and didn't want a divorce all in one sentance after telling me the news of A w/our mutual friend and pregnancy. <p>I hope counselling helps you. Being it's so far in the past, you have a better chance at recovery, I hope.<p>Prayers to you.
love
Debi

posey,
I am so sorry for your pain. You're still grieving what you lost and yes it's normal, normal, normal. Anger and sadness are important parts of the grief process. It doesn't make them feel good but at least you know you're not losing your mind!! (have you read my thoughts for newbies post? Please take a look)<p>There WILL BE a better tomorrow, really. Maybe not the literal tomorrow, but sometime it will be 3 years, 10 years, 30 years... you WILL get through this!<p>Meanwhile, be very kind to yourself. You deserve it!
Prayers and you know God's holding your hand,
J
in recovery 3+years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Posey,<p>I felt that way for a long 18 months...
I've thought to myself...you couldn't pay
me 100 million dollars to go through that
period of inner turmoil and devastation
again. It is a shattering experience...
we all go through shell-shock. I am amazed
and saddened that so many of my family
and friends never once suspected me of being
in pain...I withdrew and felt like I disappeared.
Every day was a painful process because you
have so many unanswerable questions...and such
a horrible sense of loss. <p>As you can see from the positive posts on this
board...time can heal, there will be a scar but
you can go through the day and feel peace again.
It takes time and effort. It is painful but
there is no way around it except to go thru it.<p>Just knowing you are NOT alone can help you
through the day. Your faith is strong. Mine
had to grow...so you have a head start!<p>Keep posting and take good care of yourself!

Dear posey,
My prayers are with you. One thing I know is that if there was not a court order in place, OW cannot go for any back support.<p>I guess the thing you request of us is the best place you can start with OW/OC--through prayer. I believe that God will not forsake OC regardless of your family's decision.<p>So if anything, because you are a believer, I think you are obligated to pray. God will do the rest. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] God can and will restore your marriage to that place of your dreams. I read somewhere comparing an affair to a broken bone, at the place where it mends, it becomes stronger. Something like this either makes or breaks a couple. Evidently it didn't break you, so you can't help but grow stronger together. Don't give up the hope of a bright future. May God continue to bless your family.

Hi Posey,<p>I do not have to many words of wisdom. I just came to tell you I know what you are feeling. There are days that go by where the situation of, A, OW and OC are gone. Then all of a sudden a huge wave out of nowhere comes and tries to drown you, whew!<p>ALL I can give you is this: When I am feeling this way I just try to remember I cannot stop living and my children need me and I just try to forget it an move on. I cannot control anything but myself. I cannot control OW and what she attempts to do with OC to get into my H's life. There are times it's overwhelming, so I come here to the site. It helps alot because sometimes I know my H doesn't want to talk about the situation.<p>Well listen to these ladies, some have been here for awhile with good advise. I will pray for you and myself and all of the ladies.