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#808235 01/29/02 05:28 PM
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I certainly didn't mean to imply that an OW is not to be held responsible for her actions.I didn't mean that at all. And I think that if an OW has the audacity to get pregnant on purpose, then she too should accept the consequences of her actions. I think that it's just plain foolish to puposely get pregnant with the intent of "trapping" a man. That hardly ever works, wehter the man is single or married--we're in a day and age where men have realized you don't have to marry a woman just because she is pregnant. So. I think if an OW gets pregnant by a married man she should realize that there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE the MM will not leave his wife to be with her. I only know of one instance in real life where an MM left to be with an OW and his OC....but now he is back with his exwife. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I know that nothing is ever just cut and dried so no one solution will work for everyone.

#808236 01/29/02 09:41 PM
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this whole thread is seems a waste of time. every one here is in agreement that both parties are resposible. not defending anyone or attacking anyone but lets understand the basic difference between men and women that lead to these crumby life circumstances. women have sex hoping to get the emotions they crave from the man, while men show a woman the emotions she is craving in order to have sex with her. therefore they are both lieing to each other. <p>a man (husband or not) who gets a woman pregnant is equally as responsible as a woman who becomes pregnant. married or not. <p>because a man chooses not to have contact with oc does not mean he is irresponsible. if he is paying his cs he is being responsible financialy, contact or not. in some cases he may be being more responsible by having no contact and allowing oc to know just one set of parents and not throwing the pain of having to choose which parent oc wants to spend the weekend with because parent a is going to disneyland that particular weekend and parent b is only going to the park for a family picnic and parent b has visitation. <p>
also there are cases where abuse is likely and a parent is better off not having other parent around. biological or not. <p>
in my case i am praying that om will just pay his cs and stay away as not to disrupt the reconciliation fullhouse and i are struggling with. i feel this will be both benificial to fh and grace and to fh and myself. that to me would prove that he is a man and not just a snake sneaking around trying to bang another mans wife and cause havoc in established families.<p>if a husband and his bs decide to proceed with their visitation rights then i wish them all the luck in the world and although they will undoubtably hit some pitfalls if they can see it through the rewards will be fruitful. i am living the proof of that.

#808237 01/30/02 09:58 AM
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Emily,<p>What I don't understand is WHY are you on this board debating with the BS over this issue? <p>You said yourself...<"I just get so weary when it seems we make excuses for the men">. So why are you here looking for excuses and answers from women who had NO say in whether or not their H's had sex with someone else? They had NO say in what birth control was or wasn't used! They had NO say in whether or not the OW kept the baby! They had NO say in their H's affairs! Period!!! <p>So if you want answers then why don't you ask the OW and MM...after all, it's their OC and they created the situation!!! NOT THE BS! Maybe you should try gloryb.com or philanderers.com and ask the MM why they do/don't want visitation with OC. You are under a false impression that the BS is running the show when it's typically not the case. <p>And it's flattering that you think as BS that we have so much control over our H's/OW's/OC's...if that were the case then the affair would have never happened in the first place!!! <p>I just personally think that you are looking in the wrong place for your answers! These women are here to cope and recover from the horrible situation that they have been put in. Leave them be and go ask the people who REALLY had the choices in the matter!<p>Angelface

#808238 01/30/02 11:03 AM
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I posted this answer on my own topic , but I felt that my answer needed to be placed here. There is just so much critism of us bs and I need to let those who feel complied to put us down read this:<p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Are there any members here whose husbands are fathering their other children who may be able to give me some feedback as to what the best way is to handle it?"<p>To answer your question Emily, the oc is no longer welcome in my home. My h and I have spent close to 4,000.00 and two years fighting for visitation, and we enjoyed the company of the oc for less than a year. During that whole time the xow, who might I add was a mere one night stand, during a brief separation, fought us and tried every trick in the book to end the visitation. She refused to allow the oc to call my h dad, she accused us of not feeding the oc, and we have two healthy children, aged 7 and 3. She tried to blame allegies on not wanting the oc in our home. The oc never had allergic symtoms while over our house it was only after he got home he had hives or sniffles. These were all just tricks to get it over with.<p>You claim you are glad the men have to pay support, well we pay hundreds a month, but the xow refuses to acknowledge my h as the father and only wants that check. We want the oc to know his father and silblings. <p>After all else has failed and we continue to win in court and get all the visitation we request regardless of the fight the xow puts up, she has now resorted to the lowest low. The oc, after spending a wonderful weekend at our home, which included two birthday parties and a football game, returns home with a small bruise on his face. We can not figure out how it come but that the last few hours or his visit when the kids are out in the yard riding bikes, throwing a football around and doing handstands on the lawn. The xow calls children's services the next day, and to make a long story short, an accusation turns into an arrest, and now again thousands of dollars spent on what. Bail and a lawyer to clear this all up.<p>Our xow wants a paycheck for having a child and does not want any involvement from my h or my children not to mention me. Please do not lecture on doing the right thing there is not one right thing when it comes to these xow, everyone does not all fit into a one right thing to do. Look at what doing the right thing has done to my family. HOW MUCH MORE SHOULD MY H PAY FOR ONE MISTAKE? Having a one night stand that I have forgiven him for but the xow seems to not want to let go of the fact that he wanted to stay with me and not play house with her for the rest of his life. My family does not deserve all the heartache and pain we have suffered over TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING FOR THIS OC.<p>So now after all is said and do and all the money we spent on trying to get the visitation, our lawyer has advised us that even after this last chapter in my painful life is over, the oc is a danger to my family, who knows what we will be accused of next. Now I know that the oc is a pawn to the xow and that she planted all the seed in the oc head but enough is enough my family can not deal with the emotional and finiacial strain much longer.
So I ask you now who are any of us to say what the right or wrong thing is when dealing with whether or not to have contact. <p>We are not here to judge others , only to help, support, give advise, comfort, guidence and most of all to rebuild or marriages and familes. If contact with the xow or oc is not going to help gain the end result of a happy and healthy marriage and family, there is your answer. If contact and parenting the oc will help a marriage and family than again there is your answer.<p>We thought the contact with the oc would help or family and marriage, we clearly want the child in our lives and look at the thanks we got. Again I will close with one thought that I have always stood by in all my many months on these boards, there are no right or wrong answers, no two families, no two couples are the same. <p>I thank all my dear friends that have been there for me over the last year and most importantly the last few months. This board is a true haven and place I cherish. Peace and love to all my wonderful friends. Court for us is this Friday I will let you all know. Gabi1116<p>[ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: gabi1116 ]</p>

#808239 01/30/02 06:35 PM
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Well, not that we can put a square peg into a round hole...which Emily, you are trying to do by grouping all situations into one. We are not "turning our backs" on our oc. We are turning our backs on the exow. WE LOVE OC. Exow will not allow us to be a part of the oc life. She is selfish, inconsiderate, and cares only about her agenda.<p>My H has proven himself to be responsible, has paid cs since 2nd month, visits with oc no less than every 2 weeks, and provides a loving, comfortable home for oc when he visits. But guess what, exow wants h to sign more paperwork saying he will be "responsible". What the hell does that mean? He is, has, and will be. She doesnt agree. She can only say that when oc has the sniffles, he doesnt call every hour on the hour...I guess. She now says H cannot see oc.<p>You figure out what the "right thing" is since you are so all knowing. But please, take your unfounded, uninformed opinions elsewhere.<p>Walk a mile in my shoes baby...better yet. Just try them on for size. <p>To everyone else, I am sorry, but sometimes I cannot just "let it go"! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: tryin4sainthood ]</p>

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