Please someone help, I am having an issue that as far as I know most parents don't have to deal with when their child is 12 years old. What should I do? I have been raising my son in the hopes that he will become more self dependent, take pride in everything he does, and be able to achieve the basics every kid should be able to do on their own by the time their 5,6,7,8 years old.

Without a reminder, he will not brush his teeth, brush his hair, change his socks, underwear, and clothes, clean up after himself, do the dishes, take out the trash, feed the dogs, and most importantly take pride in himself. My son goes to school, and is in the fifth grade after being held back one year. Problem is, he still craps in his drawers and will walk around school and home all day without taking a shower until either my wife or I smell him, and tell him to go take a shower. It doesn't seem to bother him that he smells like crap all day. Why is he still crapping his drawers at 12 years old? WHY??? It is so frustrating, and so nasty. Everything he touches, Everything he does is nasty, I can barely stand living in the same house as him knowing that everthing I touch, he has touched with his nasty dirty hands. He will actually prepare a sandwich with crap on his hands, and eat it unless I am right there telling him to wash his hands, oh and don't forget to use soap. Everywhere I look, Everywhere I touch is sticky and nasty, I find myself washing my hands at least 50 times a day I am so disgusted and frustrated. Why is he like this, What is his problem. I truly do need help, and cant talk to my parents or anyone else I know becasuse it is so embarrassing, What Have my wife and I done Wrong. PLEASE HELP!

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 12:47 AM: Message edited by: kroaknking ]</small>

Kroak,
You definately have a serious situation on your hands! But how you deal with it will depend on different things.
Let me start by saying this, I am not a child psychologist or a licenced proffesional but I do have a fair amount of experience with kids and parenting. I have 6 kids from 1 1/2 yrs to 16 yrs and I have dealt with a miriad of different issues. I have also been through many and even taught parenting classes and have heard even more stories than my own. So just as a disclaimer, my advice may or may not do you any good, but let's give it a try.
The first thought I had when I read your post was that there were many unanswered dicipline issues. Now I know every parent has a different idea of what dicipline means or how to administer it but there are specific ways you can accomplish this without harm or humiliation to the child and ways to find out which ways are most effective for your child. This may be something as simple as your child needing consistant dicipline in the form of chastisement, and I emphasise the word CONSISTANT! A couple swats here and there will do nothing more than give the child a skewed idea of what your trying to accomplish. The dicipline must remain consistant until the problem is cured!
Now the further I read and the more I thought about the issues you are dealing with, and please hear this in the spirit in which I am intending it, the more I suspect there may be a deeper problem within, perhaps a mild degree of Downs Syndrome or something to that effect. Now I won't even attempt to try to diagnose that one but if that is the case or even a consideration of what may be the problem you should have him tested. Even the most normal seeming person on the outside can still have issues within.
Now the third thing I think of has more to do with you and your wife. Once again these are thoughts based on limited information. What I mean is that perhaps your son feels a serious lack of attention or love. Not saying you don't love him, you wouldn't be seeking help if you didn't. If he feels detached from the family these problems may be his way of seeking out some kind of attention. Many times children will take any attention they can get even if it is of a negative nature. Or if you and your wife argue openly in front of him or loud enough for him to hear or if you don't but there is tension in the air due to unresolved conflict, he may be trying to draw your attention away from your conflict. Children seem to have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to sensing conflict between mom & dad and when that alarm is triggered he will go into overtime subconsiously to try to "turn off" that alarm. Negative habits are often a result.
I hope this helps but I you feel I totally missed the mark on this one let me know. Either way I would like to hear what you think. Till next time.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I also get the feeling he is doing things for attention. I think a trip to the doctor would be a great idea. It will give him attention and find out if there is a real medical problem.

If he does have a medical problem, it's important that you find out for his health AND his self-esteem.

If he doesn't have a medical problem, the trip to the doctor's office might help him snap out of this horrible trend. If he doesn't have a medical problem, it might be fun to have the doctor run a few extra, invasive "tests". If not wiping/pooping has him upside down in a doctor's office getting things stuck up his rear, he might just stop trying to get attention that way.

Just some thoughts.
Don't be angry with him. Your son has a real problem whether it is a physical one and/or a mental one. He needs some help from his parents.

Smile

Any school problems?

As the mother of a child with learning differences, I would think counseling might also be in order. It might be that the child needs some individual counseling but it might help if there was some family counseling also. You know, everyone is dysfunctional somehow. Even at my house.

I would think there could be something medical going on. There could be something psychological going on. I don't know but I would vote for digging into this some more.